story of my life

a series of personal essays & other anecdotes (some of them fictional)

[verbalfencer-blog]

i dont want to be married

i’ve never dreamed of being anyone’s wife - and I don’t mean that in the “go feminism i won’t be domestic” kind of way.

I don’t want someone to stay with me because of a sheet of paper

I don’t want someone to love me because a church or a minister or the government tells them they have to

I want endings to be amicable and simple not drawing out the process with third parties and legal forms

[verbalfencer-blog]

i wish i could see an orange as something other than 40 or 20 minutes of pushups

They say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. But obviously they haven’t felt the pang of hunger that comes, When skinny does not come in the way that it should, When skinny ruins you in every way, They haven’t felt the acid from your insides coming back up your throat The dizziness in your head from the lack of energy The pain in your stomach from being constantly empty. They couldn’t have felt the words in your head, Flashing constantly like a neon sign in your mind, Telling you that you are never good enough – will never be good enough but should kill yourself trying. And they don’t understand that you’ll never feel truly skinny, truly happy or truly worthy

A cup of cucumber has 18 calories Hard boiled eggs have 77 each And the one half slice of crustless, wholegrain toast with a thin layer of margarine – never butter; 50 calories. I may not be good at math, Quadratics, functions, or exponents But counting calories, Forming a net of less than 1000; The same amount a 2 year old needs That I can do. My head becomes a spreadsheet of shame, Numbers that add up but subtract from my worth.

I was never a thin kid, And that was never a secret. But what I didn’t realize, What my family and my friends didn’t realize Was that not being thin didn’t mean you were fat And so they would comment on my pudginess, Oinking away, joking around, telling each other, “Well she, she’s kind of fat” When people asked me what I wanted to be, I said “thin”.

That’s when I began restricting. Sometimes purposefully after a hard day or a long look in the mirror, Sometimes because I was busy and just forgot, But day by day, I lost weight The muffin top above my jeans diminished, My legs lengthened. And they noticed. I got praise and admiration for finally going on a diet. “Now you look so much more beautiful” they had said.

Because when a fat girl stops eating She gets told - good job She gets told; finally. She gets support for her eating disorder. She doesn’t become the stereotypical anorexic bone thin girl people think of, But her weight fluctuations look normal, so the EDNOS is hidden While her relationship with food gets hurt more and more

For a while, Ana was my best friend. She shared her obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat. But sometimes my friendship with her would be replaced with Mia. Her sister and complete opposite. Mia showed no self control that Ana had and she would go wild and binge And, like teens do after parties, purge. They were constantly there for me and I wanted to please them, But that meant not eating and not eating meant my loss Not just loss of calories or pounds, but loss of interest, loss of positivity, loss of energy, And the loss of myself.

The truth is - every body is a bikini body, No matter what people tell you, no matter what the magazines say, Because even the models in the magazines, look at them and wish they could actually look like that. Hashtag Thinspo- is not inspiration to change but motivation to continue dying 13% of the 30 million victims of eating disorders will die Ana and Mia are terrible friends to have, They betray and bully and starve and deflate you Until you succumb, until you give in Why hug a toilet when you can hug a real person? Because everyone, everybody and every body is perfect, No number on a scale, on the label of a shirt, or on the wrapper of some food, can determine your worth, And no number should.

[verbalfencer-blog]

to the boy that broke me

To that boy I was infatuated with in ninth grade, the one that I skipped my best friend’s party to go see, the one I used all my data video calling, the one that i thought I was in love with.

To the boy that made me believe in love and subsequently disbelieve.

To the boy that I made myself vulnerable to and caused me to decide to never open myself up again.

To the boy that I dated and helped me determine that relationships weren’t for me

To the boy that was everything but a tick on my hookup tally although being the reason it was created

Maybe it’s unfair for me to say that you broke me.  Maybe it’s weak of me to want to believe that. But I remember everything and I don’t want to be hurt again.

You didn’t mean to hurt me, but 2 months into our relationship, by telling me that you didn’t want to be in a relationship and throwing that into my face - that hurt me.

I was honest with you. With you, i didn’t put any walls up; with you I gave it everything. I was vulnerable with you and you knew how to hit it where it hurts. And you did,

I don’t want to be vulnerable or hurt anymore. And I haven’t been since.

Not since I stopped caring, not since I put up walls, not since I stopped trying to find a deeper connection and stuck to superficial interactions and meaningless hook ups.

You broke my heart a long long time ago, but I guess you must have done quite a number on it because I’m still afraid to take the bandages off. I’m still afraid to stop hiding. I’m still afraid to open myself up.

[verbalfencer-blog]

coffee drinks your 6 friends would be

The Black Coffee Brew from McCafe: Sometimes bitter, this straightup is always bluntly honest with you and gets the job done. The straight shot of caffeine like in your friendship will wake you up and let you see the real world while giving real situationals. Although s/he can sometimes be rude and unforgiving, you know if you need it, it’s the most effective.

The Espresso Con Panna from Aroma: this person is pretentious and fake - it’s really just a plain latte with a fancy title but they need to use fancy words, brand names and other things to upgrade their otherwise boring life.

The Iced Cappuccino from Tim Hortons: This friend is simple, a classic, s/he doesn’t pretend to be anything they're not and is consistently reliable.

The Green Tea Frappuccino from Starbucks: S/he is labelled by many stereotypes but doesn’t let them limit their actions and style. Like the Green Tea Frappe, it’s a different take on life and a different person while maintaining the same happy reliable characteristics the regular frappes have.

The Caramel Brulee Latte from Starbucks: This person is a great partier and super fun to be around, although only in small doses. After a while of constantly hanging out with this person, it’ll become overwhelming and like the Caramel Brulee will only hurt your (diet) habits.

The Classic Hot Chocolate from Second Cup: This is a pure classic, something that’s cozy and warm especially in your times of need, crisis and desperation. Sometimes you may be looking for something more adventurous or crazy, but you know you can always count on this friend to be there for you.

[verbalfencer-blog]

open letter to my almost boyfriend

hi you, you know who you are. 

the boy that had once captured my attention, affection and admiration.

the boy who i’ve spent hours after hours on the phone with, hundreds of mbs of data instant messaging and of course tons and tons attention on. 

i really liked you. i liked that you always knew what to say. i liked that you cared about my day, about my feelings, about my life. i liked your hair. i liked your eyes. i liked your dimples. i liked you - past tense.

i remember the first time i met you, i remember what you were wearing, what i was wearing - i remember thinking you were a cocky, no good, arrogant, jerky asshole (first impressions change.)

we had spent hours talking about everything, your friends became my friends, my friends became your friends - you weren’t just you any more and i wasn’t just me, it was always you and me. 

i love you - i dont remember who said it first but it came up loads. hearts, affectionate messages; i was “in love” with you. your intelligence, your heart, your personality. i thought you were perfect, i didn’t know why you were wasting your time flirting with me, I didn’t know why you’d love me too.

though we bonded on an emotional level, shared everything about our lives and became a unit - you never seemed like you wanted more, you never tried to get physical, you never tried to become my boyfriend. 

this sounds cliché but as fast as it had started it stopped. skype calls were less frequent, i had to wait now in between messages and our cute little dates stopped happening. you decided you didn’t want me any more and you told everyone but me.

tell me before everyone else please.

i’m not going to lie, i was hurt. i was sad and i was confused. all of a sudden, that cute devoted, endearing boy was gone and here was this cold stranger. but i faked a smile - your friends were still my friends and my friends were still your friends but things were different now.

i got over it - i still used you as an excuse when the creepy boy who sat across from me in history tried to get me to go out with him, but i didn’t care for you any more. not in the same way.

almost relationships are hard to get over - there’s no closure without even a clear ‘we’re through’ they just kind of disappear into no where leaving you to think what if. 

i don’t regret you. I once thought you were perfect bt as I fell out of love, i realized you were just like any other guy with some fatal flaw. 

you were almost my lover, you were almost my life - but luckily the word the almost. 

[vampyredame]

I want to live my life so that I’ll be able to read an in depth biography about myself in later years and not puke.

Paris Geller, Gilmore Girls (via gilmorisms)

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Platonic - Tessa & Scott Drabble 2/3

He invites her to his place to watch a movie and of course, she agrees. She's wearing a tshirt of his and sweats and as she curl ups against him on the couch, she can't help but wonder if he ever felt more than platonic feelings towards her - and if he feels them

"Tess?" Scott calls, bringing her back to reality. "Yes?" she asks abruptly. He lifts his eyebrows at her but points to the screen. "What movie do you want to watch?" He asks. "I heard Inception is good, or Now You See Me" She pouts, "How about Funny Face or How to Steal a Million," she suggests. He laughs at the suggestion. "Tess, we've seen those a thousand times. Have you ever seen a movie without Audrey Hepburn!" He protests but start scrolling through Netflix for them anyways. "Of course I have... We can always watch the Proposal or the Vow, if you'd prefer." She says. "No, no. How to Steal a Million is fine. No need for more chick flicks." He says selecting it. He'd never admit it but watching a 'chick flick' is fine as long as she's there with him. She smiles and cuddles closer to him - movies were always better when he's around.

"Okay, you're the boss. Just do as I tell you." Simon tells Nicole in the movie. He playfully nudges her. "Even though I'm supposed to lead, let’s be real, that's us" He tells her. She laughs. "About time you admitted it." She says. 'In the movie they end up together, they don't fight the feelings forever' she wants to cry out, 'can that be us too'. But she holds it in. It's platonic.

It’s past 11 when the movie finishes and she’s tired. She starts to doze off on his shoulder and Scott doesn’t mind. “Tess?” He calls gently as she comes to. “Yes?” She mumbles groggily. “Why don’t you stay the night?” He suggests and she mumbles an okay before closing her eyes again. He carries her up to the guest bedroom and slips her in between the covers. “Love you Scotty, night” She murmurs as her head hits the pillow. He kisses her on the top of her head. “I love you too Tess” Platonic, she thinks as she falls asleep. “More than you’ll ever know.” He finishes quietly as he leaves the room.

He gets changed for bed and comes to check up on her before he sleeps. She calls his name half asleep as the door creaks open. “Scott?” she says murmuring, as if she’s dreaming. “I’m here darling, just checking up, I’ll be going now,” He says quickly as he turns around. And she might have been dreaming because the next words she utters that stop him dead in his tracks are “Why don’t you love me” Link to part 1/3

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Platonic - Tessa & Scott Drabble 1/3

Platonic. Tessa Virtue hated that word, all 8 letters, 3 syllables and offending, horrid, painful, definition. With her and Scott it's always platonic. It's platonic when he takes her hand as they're having dinner. It's platonic when he wraps his arm around her waist when they walk down the street. It's platonic when their lips brush. It's platonic as they breathe together, hearts beating together. And it's fucking platonic when he tells her he loves her. 

 She smiles and laughs shaking her head as yet another interviewer asks her about her and Scott's relationship. "It's platonic" she spits out bitterly and covers it with a laugh. Scott looks at her worriedly, noticing the change in tone but he doesn't comment and just wraps his arm around her shoulders. And of course that's platonic too. 

 "So what was that about?" Scott asks her after. She just shakes her head. "Oh I'm just really out of it" she says, he doesn't buy it but he doesn't push it anymore and she's thankful for that. "Let's get dinner?" He suggests, "Let's go to Le Cout de Faim"  "Wow fancy, what's the occasion?" She comments, knowing she'd never say no to him. "No occasion, why can't I just have a nice dinner with my favourite girl?" He tells her with his charming Scott smile. And she smiles back, but it hurts because of how fucking platonic it is. 

During dinner, she couldn't help notice how much like a date this was. From the way he picked her up and handed her her favourite flower and pulled out her chair for her at the restaurant. She couldn't decide what she wanted for dessert, chocolate mousse or a strawberry cheesecake. "Get both" he tells her, "we'll share." He smiles at her and her knees feel weak. He takes his spoon and feeds her the first bite. "Oh god mhm" she moans as she takes in the rich chocolate.  "That good eh?" He asks, taking some for himself. For the rest of the night they feed each other. It doesn't feel platonic, but it never does. 

 "So," she says, as their conversation lulls. "So" he says back. He laughs and smiles his Scott smile - the one that he only gives her. She smiles too and kicks him underneath the table. He looks shocked and feigns offence as he kicks her back. "Hey" he says. "Hi" she replies shyly and it's like they're 9 and 7 again. link to part 2/3

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music of the month

below are the 17 songs (1 hour of music) that i’ve been listening to on repeat recently !! music has always been such an important aspect of my life, i thought i’d share with y’all :)) i generally like mainstream music  older mainstream music hehehe (follow me on spotify - @/itsang3l to be able to play the songs in my shared monthly playlists) 

Impossible (Shontelle) We are Stars (Virginia to Vegas ft. Alyssa Reid) Scarecrow (Alex & Sierra) Domino (Darren Espanto -  Cover) What I wouldn't Do (Serena Ryder) Heart Attack (One Direction) One Last Night (Jesse LaBelle) The World Is Ours (Eleven Past One) Classic (MKTO) Our Song Comes On (Kristina Maria) I Will Never Let You Down (Rita Ora) Lights (Ellie Goulding) The Walker (Fitz and the Tantrums) Cant't Feel My Face (The Weeknd) American Beauty/American Psycho (Fall Out Boy) Best Day of My Life (American Authors) Troublemaker (Olly Murs)

[verbalfencer-blog]

You can count on me like 1, 2, 3 - I'll be there And I know when I need it, I can count on you like 4, 3, 2 - And you'll be there 'Cause that's what friends are supposed to do,

For real though, reminder that if you're going through tough times, I'm always here if you need someone to talk to, rant at, or make awkward eye contact with until the bad feelings go away. You're never alone! Even if we've never talked before, or hang in different squads, I'm here for you <3

[verbalfencer-blog]

a temporary family

how could i be closer to someone i’ve known for 10 days than people i’ve known for years? It’s funny how for a couple weeks, they were my whole entire life and then I knew I’d never see them again. Summer camps have that distinct ability to create strong, intense friendships without hesitations in a way that’s different than at school or back home. I think it’s the fact that the friendship is on a timeline that changes things. Knowing that if you desired, you’d never have to see them again - all the embarrassing moments forgotten.

Last summer, I stayed in Spain for 2 weeks to attend and volunteer at an English immersion program and by the end - the teens there were like my family. It was me and about 79 other teenagers, approximately 40 of them from Ireland, Scotland, America and many other native English speaking countries and the remaining half from Spain. We spent two weeks together; a couple days exploring the capital of Madrid with all the other ‘anglos’ and then settling down in a quaint resort in the beautiful Salamanca. Days were filled with community building activities, traditional Spanish foods and cultures as well as incorporating more ‘western’ elements and of course one-to-ones. At the end of my two weeks there, I knew the name and location of all 79 other campers and had built friendships nothing like that of mine back home. Even with the Spanish kids who spoke little English, a connection was created. We broke the language barrier with charades, google translate and my desperate pleas to “habla ingles”. I didn’t speak Spanish back then - I barely know Spanish now, but “no entiendo” and “podo ir al bano” was all I truly needed. The short 12 day timer on us created an impulse to jump right in; to actually be yourself and let it show.

I love camp. Before last summer, I had never been to a ‘real’ overnight camp; my only experiences being from overnight leadership trips with my school, a multitude of day camps, family vacations and trips to my friends’ cottages. It’s the whole living with strangers concept that fascinates me - within days, you’ll discover quirks that would take months to uncover back home. They truly become your family. Especially where no one knows me, I can do whatever I desire and not worry about it following me home to my reality. Camp is a safe haven - a place to run away from problems, life and start something new. It’s a break, creating distance, a change of pace.

[verbalfencer-blog]

Best debate experiences & what do you have coming up?

some that come to mind include:- york hs invitational 2014; because it was the first time my partner and i broke and we kind of looked at each other like “wow we might be able to do this”- jr. nationals 2014; it’s just exciting to represent your province but i remember going to the mall after and buying makeup for my (male, non makeup wearing) friend and then getting dinner all together. It was a great example of just becoming friends, meeting people and having the time of our lives.- osgoode 2014; it was actually a kind of bittersweet tournaments because we had “ pulled a ding “, placing 5th team (and being locked out of finals) and 2nd and 3rd speakers. But it was a tournament where I really got to spend time will all my debate friends who i dont see often and I got to mentor some newer, younger debaters which was a really good experience to see them have fun at their first tournament- 2015 shsh training camp in halifax; tbh the plane ride was one of the most memorable experiences since it was the first time i had really travelled with my team. we all got up early, checked in, talked a lot in anticipation of the training camp and shared notes and watched rounds together on the plane. typically i’m scared of flying but having my team there made it a really fun experience.

stuff i’m looking forward to: so I don’t have all my assignments for this season yet, but i am apart of the ontario delegation for the 2015 Debate National Seminar so i’m really excited to visit victoria, bc and get to meet people from different provinces. I have UWO coming up in november and for that I’m taking it chill and debating with one of my best friends rather than my partner just for fun :)) my partner and i are first alternates for the oxford qualifer and we’re hoping for a bid to queens so we can compete for icyd

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prompt me please :) I'll do personal essays, anecdotes, stories, short prose, even fanfics!

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what activities/extra curriculars do you do?

ahah I think I have commitment issues because I’m constantly “quitting” and then restarting. but anyways, *currently* I’m involved in:

- debate- deca- field hockey- political society- model un- model city hall- dance (just ballet & pointe; jazz&lyrical on occasion)- (figure) skate

(if you want to hear more about something, leave it in my mailbox :)

[verbalfencer-blog]

conquering the toeloop

When I was 6, I really wanted to be Joannie Rochette. Watching the 2006 Olympics, I wanted to be able to do those turns and jumps and have the musicality, grace and stamina that only a figure skater could possess. So trying to be like her, I skated. Like any other stereotypical Canadian child, I started skating since I was young, slowly going up level by level, season by season. That time, I was still balancing a life of competitive dance, recreational gymnastics and of course, the CanSkate program; so time was of great importance and carefully split.

I got on the development team at my rink in fifth grade. It was then when I was first introduced to jumps. Here's a bit of science for you. The ice is cold and hard - it's a dense solid object. Combine that with high speeds and gravity, falling on the ice hurts. Thus, it wasn't crazy that I was absolutely terrified and horrified at the prospects of starting jumps.

The first time I took to the air in something other than the most basic waltz jump, leggings neatly tucked into tightly tied white skates with a thick hoodie protecting me from the frigid air, I fell, crashing down on the cold hard ice, landing on my shins. The next time, I was more restrained, I stepped slowly backward and gently tapped my topic on the ice, I wasn’t launched very high up, and I didn’t complete the rotation but I landed it. For the next couple weeks, skating became a nightmare, the idea of jumping up and landing, losing control drove me crazy. Each time, I would take a deep breath and take a small hop backwards, not even attempting the toeloop. Needless to say, my coaches saw right through my act and demanded that I actually use energy and put trust into the jump - but I was scared. After the first fall, and knowing that if I didn’t even try, I couldn’t fail, the idea of jumping was a greater challenge than ever.

I wasn’t progressing. I was going to be held back a year if I didn’t get this jump and by then I was just about ready to quit. I didn’t know what would be harder, repeatedly falling and failing or just giving it up all together. But my coaches pushed me - and pushed me until I tried it for real. I fell many times but after being reassured that I wasn’t actually going to get hurt (that badly) and seeing other kids get it, I knew I needed to try. The mental block stayed with me and made each jump more scary than it had to be, but after falling a couple times and being able to get right back up, it slowly started to disappear. I continued working on the toeloop for the rest of the season and when I landed my first “perfect” jump, there was a feeling of satisfaction that just couldn’t be replicated. I had finally, conquered my mental block, my fear of falling and of course, the toeloop. 

wc: 515

a.n.: GASP I ACTUALLY DID WRITING TODAY? Submitting this for my essay assignment probably with a couple edits and skimmed down, but enjoy :)

[verbalfencer-blog]

crux of debate

I debate because it gives me a voice, it gives me confidence and it gives me a family. I wouldn't know what my favourite debate memory would be, it might be the look of pure shock and exhilaration that my partner and I share when we broke for the first time. It might be standing with team Ontario as we introduced ourselves to the rest of the debaters at Jr. Nationals. Maybe it was receiving my first “big” award at HartHouse, placing in the top 3 Jr.s of over 250 debaters. But really, I don’t know if it’s the big accomplishments. Sure it showed me how much my work has paid off, yes it did give me confidence and made me hella happy. But I’d have to say my favourite parts of debating are not in the rewards, but in the experience. The rush of adrenaline as I start my speech, the trill of winning a round, the satisfaction of working with someone well - being put together and the excitement of meeting new people. Not only has debating helped me meet some truly remarkable people from my school but also tons for other schools all around. Crashing another school’s team dinner and being welcomed with open arms, meeting up and skating with debaters from all around the city, staying with another debater during development camp, travelling and meeting others from all around the nation. It’s amazing. It’s not networking. It’s making friends.

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xx me

hi i’m angel and sometimes i like to write. after being stuck with every extracurricular activity since i was 4 and dropping them all, i’ve really learnt a lot aboot myself with humour along the way :) follow this page to read some of my personal essays and share some laughs, tears and frustrations with me  xx ange