This blog is generally pretty cringe worthy and embarrassing. Honestly. There are times I love myself way to much, but, I mean, sometimes I simply can not deal with the shit I do and say.
There's something wrong with me, psychologically. I'm messed up somehow. I don't know if I've ever been.... fine. I mean, I don't have a psychological disorder, not at this time in my life at least, but there's definitely something off with how I process things. There has to be.
And then apparently you don't believe in sex before marriage and yet you are having sex and you are not married. You have been having sex since you were 19, and since your dad says "try it before you buy it," you think, yeah I still believe people, and myself, should wait till they are married to have sex, (because of the bible?) but I am going to have sex now, before I am married because my father says you should "test out products" before you make a commitment. You're a fucking hypocrite, and I don't care if you have sex before you're married, obviously, but don't tell me you think people should wait, because that's clearly not what you believe.
Just because you're obviously confused about that vow doesn't mean anyone else is. There are actual people who don't have sex before they get married because that is what they believe is right. They believe in it and follow through. Don't assume everyone else is lying just because you are.
Yesterday I was feeling very emotional for whatever reason, and we discussed a lot of things that had been bothering me. And I feel like I just need to get my feelings down somewhere, here, so that I can try to understand them better.
I don't even know where to start or how to organize this.
Okay, to be honest you started this interest into you exes. Remember that weekend you came up here? You almost told me you love me? That same weekend we looked through an album of pictures of you and one of your exes, I didn't even really want to look at the pictures, but you apparently did. And don't tell me, "She's not my ex we really only dated...etc." Whatever the fuck you think an 'ex' is, it definitely encompasses 'girls you go on vacations with to Cali, have sex with and still have their photos on your phone' because oh yeah, don't you remember, I must have seemed upset at you showing me pictures of you and one of your exes on a vacation together because that night you opened you phone and showed me a fucking picture she clearly sent you, that you didn't feel the need to get rid of, or forget about, and said, "See Chelsy, she's not even that pretty" What the actual fuck was that even about, first of all, yeah she was fucking gorgeous, thanks, and you fucking knew she was to, for god's sake you went on your little vacation because she was being a fucking model for artists to paint. Second, why did you show me another picture of her, it was enough that you saved those ones of you and her, I mean, I gues it was a vacation you probably would want to remember, but showing them to me was a dick move, but showing me a picture of just her, one that she had taken and sent to you. Fuck that. I don't even know what you were thinking, except, how can I make Chelsy feel completely insecure and unimportant to me all in one weekend. Hmm, yes, tell her I love her, and then take it back right after I've showed her my romantic getaway with a beautiful ex, making sure she knows how fond those memories are to me. Yes, perfect. Thanks dude.
Okay, moving on to Sammy. Thinking about who she was and what she meant to you started close to the beginning of our relationship. I'm not even sure if we had technically started dating yet. I'm actually pretty sure it was before we even met in person. I had posted something on tumblr about how I wished my name was Sam (X) and I played Run Away With Me for you and while I was playing Sami for you told me to turn it off and you got really weird. I asked you why, what was wrong, and you wouldn't tell me, you just said you didn't want to listen to it anymore. I thought right then that you must have had a girlfriend named Sami. You stopped the song right at the moment he was saying "Saaaamiii" really longingly and stuff, and I just..... yeah must have brought back memories or something.
Initially though, I mean, after that, I was only curious as to why you stopped the song, because I had another theory that maybe you stopped it because you had feelings for me and you didn't like thinking about Darren Criss singing longingly about a name I wanted to have. Or something weird like that. So that's all it was. And the fact that you told me to forget about it, you made me promise to completely forget about it, forever. I told you I wasn't sure if I could do that, and you said that I had to. I had to. That just made me all the more curious.
So there was that, and then little things in the relationship sort of fed this growing curiosity. There was the fact that while looking at one of your pictures on Facebook I noticed a "Sammy" liked and commented on it. Hmmm. I later noticed that she commented on a lot of your photos with /tap. Okay. You sent me a screen shot of something once. The thing you wanted to show me was on one screen, but on the other screen you had a chat open with Sammy. I'd noticed a chat with her at another time too. One time you were talking to Trinz and I was there, it was in your old room, and I said hi as well, and he said, "Is that Sammy?" and you said, "No, asshole." Ummm. And then, while looking at you facebook pictures on a call with you I saw a stupid "Rainbow Cleaners" picture, that I had been curious about before, as to why it was your prof pic, and I noticed you had tagged someone. Sammy. I asked you "Why was this even your profile pic, how does that even relate to you?" "It's an inside joke." K.
Just all of these things building upon each other. And I felt like I couldn't ask you about them because you made me promise all that time ago.
You said not to trivialize your feelings, well don't downplay my intelligence. When I asked you if you talked to any of your exes still, "No." Are you still their contact on skype? ".....umm. No, well not really" What do you mean," Well it wasn't really an ex" Later, "No, I misspoke earlier, I don't have contact with anyone I dated." Come to find out, you are still a contact with this girl you met on "vent" and had sex with once. Just "playful sex". What the fuck does that even mean. If you were wondering as to what would be worse for me to hear, just quick sex, one night stand type of thing or "playful sex" let me just tell you right now that, "playful sex" is a whole lot worse. Upon further investigation I find that this same girl who you had the playful sex with, who you met on vine, was the same girl you couldn't stand listening to a song about, the same girl who writes /tap on your photos, the same girl you share an inside joke with powerful enough to make it to your profile pictures, the only time, I might add, you felt the need to tag someone in any of your profile pics.
Don't fucking tell me, yeah we just had sex once. Don't pretend to me that you didn't have some kind of relationship with her, emotionally, even if you never officially dated. You certainly had enough of a relationship to share inside fucking jokes and use them as profile pictures and still fucking be in contact with her fucking two years later. Fuck.
This subject has gotten me kind of worked up. I'll try to calm down a bit.
Concerning how many girls you've loved. It's not so much how many that matters. It's the fact that what I thought was true, and what I'd accepted as how things are, was not really true. On Thanksgiving night, when we were sitting in the parking lot together, the rain coming down on your car, you told me some things. You told me the first relationship you had was really hard. You were really naive and you thought you were in love and you told the girl and things ended badly, your heart was crushed, and you told yourself you would never say that again, you would never be so naive again. BUT, you told me you that you felt a certain way about me, and you even googled you're feelings, and that...... you loved me. It took you a long time to say and I could tell you didn't necessarily want to say it when you did, maybe you still had some reservations, maybe you weren't sure I would say it back, whatever. You were very hesitant and very sincere, and I felt wonderful treasuring the thought that after feeling like you couldn't love again after the first girl and going through all the girls you'd dated since you finally felt like you could love. And it was me that you loved. And you felt like our relationship was the most real you'd ever had.
A few days ago I asked you "So you've loved a lot of girls, have you?" And you're response was, "Not a lot like, two before you, one for real and then the other one was more like puppy love I think" Hmmm, okay, still matches the original statement for the most part, puppy love is not really love love, so... okay, I guess. When we talked about it again yesterday, you said, "Why does it even matter if you were the second or third. So what if I loved two people before you, I got my heart broken twice and now I love you." You got your heart broken twice? Puppy love does not result in broken hearts. That was not puppy love. And so that whole thing you said when you told me you loved me, it doesn't even apply. There was never any steeling yourself against further heartbreak, vowing to keep yourself from falling again. I didn't melt your heart, break down your resilience, you just fell in love again, for the third time.
It's just that I thought I was the girl who made you love again, the only one after the first time cut you so badly. I though, in me, you had finally met someone who you were willing to give your heart away. That's not how it was and I guess it's narcissistic of me to be hurt by this but I am and I can't help it. For some reason knowing that it was different than you said it was when you told me you loved me cut me. I'm sorry I can't explain it any better.
And I'm not fucking trying to trivialize your feelings and emotions and the things you went through. I'm not saying that those relationships and heartbreaks aren't real or valid or whatever you were insinuating I was saying yesterday. My complaint is only that you told me it was one way but it wasn't that way. You lied to me, whether on purpose or by accident it still hurts like a
I mean, the reason that I'm asking you about your exes and when you broke up with your previous girlfriend and how many people you've loved before me is because I want to be able to understand my place in you life. I want to see the whole picture so I can know where I fit in. It's clear to you how much you love me and how much I mean to you because you know your entire history. You know all the pieces that had to fit into place in order for you to make it to where you are now, with me. I don't know where these pieces fit and I don't even have the whole puzzle. I have pieces from here and there in your life and I don't really know where they go.
Listen, I don't even know what I want to know, and what I don't. I'm really curious on the one hand yet when I get the information sometimes it makes me more upset than not knowing would. So I mean I don't know man. I don't know. I just had to get all of this out.
So ready for this quarter. I am ready for the work, I am ready for the papers, speeches, assignments, statistics. All of it. And then when it's over, in ten weeks, I will have the summer to recharge. I'm ready for this.
I always want to talk to you. I don't even know why.... because half the time we start a call and we sit there for hours, barely speaking. And sometimes, rarely, it's enough to simply know you are on the other end of the line, being alive, but most of the time, I'm wishing we were interacting more. I don't know why I still look forward to talking to you at night. Most of the time our conversations are.... I don't know. There's nothing wrong with them, just most of the time they aren't, like... riveting or anything. And then we end up arguing a lot, disagreeing and getting annoyed with the other person. But nonetheless, I end up wistfully sort of watching the clock, wondering if now would be a good time to call you. I pretty much go through this sort of waiting game every day. I think about what you're doing throughout the day, and when it starts getting closer to 5 I get excited because, you'll be home, I could potentially call you.
But I don't, because you have other things to do. You might say any number of things in response to this, that you always want to talk to me, that I should call you whenever I want, etc. Or you might say I'm selfish for wanting to talk to you right when you get off work, that you might be hanging out upstairs, that it's true, you might have other things to do. Truthfully, I think you would say the first ones, but in practicum, in actual fact, the second ones are more relevant. They are.... just more realistic. And I understand that.
So I wait. I get excited for five, but then it sort of....lessens. It's subdued for a while, my wish to talk. I don't need to anymore, I can occupy my time with other things. Even so, I'm still absentmindedly checking the clock now and then, wondering if it's late enough for me to call, wondering if I should even call today, weighing how often we've spoken recently, how badly I want it, the worth of my conversation options, what you could be doing, etc.
I am in love with musicals and music and instrumentation and vocals and djkafjdfdjakfajkl;jg
I desperately want to be around people who are also into that sort of thing again. I desperately wish I had a friend I could sing harmony with and make cool arrangements and play piano with all day. I wish I was a better pianist. I wish I was a better vocalist. I wish I still had all my old friends. I wish we could spend hours in stairwells singing with each other. I wish I was in a chamber choir with an incredible director again.
Sometimes I even wish I had pursued my music major instead of switching it for psychology.
It was set in like... this alternate fairy tale sort of world, and I was traveling down a path, sometimes it was like a high school hallway that curved endlessly, sometimes it was a narrow pathway between trees and stuff, it reminded me of something that might be in Waterworld (when he's on the floating colony thing). It had some very Wizard of Oz features to it. I had to go down this path with my companions and along the way there were different stops (rooms at times, if I was in the high school, and small city's or towns in the fantasy setting. I remember we had to stop at some of the places, some of them were really dangerous but eventually we got to the end, or at least I did. Somewhere along the path I lost my companions, although this fairy, who was sort of a cross between Navi and Glinda the good witch, stayed with me, and I reached the end of this spindly path, opened this ivy covered gate/door into this magical realm of unicorns and other cool things. It was like getting to Oz, and I just wanted to stay there, but I knew I had to go back and get my friends.... I was possibly in love with one of them, and so there was this huge internal struggle between staying and going back. This place was gorgeous, rolling hills, a rainbow, friendly people all around unicorns flying in the distance, one of them was close and people where fawning over it, it looked just like the one from the Last Unicorn, but then I decided to turn back. I was walking/ running along the hallway and a grate slammed down over the door closest to me, I kept going and the same thing happened to the next door, and the next, and so on. I started running, the grates slammed faster, so that just as I was reaching the door it would slam down. For some reason I was holding the fairy at this point and she started turning all black, I couldn't see her face, it was covered in a cloak, and her clothes went dark, like all the color was sapping out of them. She was very reminiscent of a crow, or black umbrella at this point. And she started trying to stop me and hurt me. She caught my wrist and started pulling me backward. I apparently got loose, I think I slammed her against the floor, and I ended up in this huge performance hall with tiered seating. There were a few people there and someone was playing piano. I think my companions were there, I just wanted to burst out with Alicia Key's Fallin' but the fairy had caught up with me and tackled me and we tumbled to the bottom of the seats and ended up sitting there together and listening to the piano. And then my dream ended. Hmmm.
It was really good. I wish I could reproduce it better.
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