This is it

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If..

If I don't spend time alone with God soon.. I'm going to lose that hunger...

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YI camp 2013

Okay I have been kind of procrastinating this cos I know it's going to be a long post and I've been really busy with bash to type this post out too! But it has been really awesome!!! I'm just going to talk about sessions here, or else i can write a book alr. Session 1: was about Gideon, who was the weakest of the weakest of the weakest but God called him a mighty warrior. It talkes about exchanging our weaknesses for God's strength. When Paul said about that Jesus said to him, my grace is all you need, My power works best in weakness. Through this session, what really spoke to me was that I realised that I think myself as a strong person(as in my own will power) rather than weak. I understand that I have wrongdoings, but I don't see myself as weak enough that only God can save me. And this changed my perspective. And coming to the conclusion that I really need God. Session 2: I don't remember what's the rest of the session, but one very very distinct thing I remember ps Tim Ross sharing is that he prayed for God to give him the addiction to God's Word that he had with pornography. That struck me so hard. It is such an amazing addiction one can ever have. And I know I want that too. (I rmb what the session is about now: it's about appetite) Session3: this was the most amazing session for me. Ps taught about the Holy Spirit. And then he got all the leaders to stand infront, and then for people to come to the leaders to be prayed for. Now, I was hoping that I would be prayed for first. But then, I told Holy Spirit that I really want to see Him work. I really wanted to see His good work. The first person came up to me and I prayed. I prayed in tongues, in words, unsure of what to do. Nothing happened and then I moved on to next person, and then I did the same till I felt Holy Spirit telling me: SHUT UP. Pastor Tim started praying against spirit of fear, and I also started talking to Holy Spirit. I told Him that I don't want to do it out of my own glory but His. And since it's His, it doesn't matter the results. Then I started praying for another person only in tongues until I felt that I need to speak in words. I told God, today I decide to be Your vessel. And then the people I prayed for, some people started to get slain by Holy Spirit, I felt led to certain people and people started crying too. And I just marvel, seeing the amazing things Holy Spirit is doing. What struck me most; was that Holy Spirit can and will use me. A sinner, so undeserving, but God still choose to use miserable me to impact lives. Immediately after that, I started to have thoughts of self- glorification; devil's not happy with me. And I rejected that immediately. Really want Holy Spirit's power in my life daily!

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Expectations for YI camp 2013

!YAY! YI Camp is coming and I'm excited! As i started to prepare for it (since I just reached SG).. I was typing out my expectations for others. Then I realised: I haven't set expectations for myself! I know prolly the rough direction I want, but still not very clear yet. So let me think through. I know that I will be busy, doing logistics, OOS, and whatever else I need to do; but I don't want to lose focus like last year, where I didn't manage to get much out- cause I only keep focusing on serving. So my expectation for this camp is: -to learn to be steadfast like Jesus (Hebrews 12:1-13)

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Vision?

Was just reminded of this when I was typing the previous post. Some weeks back during Fuel Prayer Meeting, I forgot what BRX was sharing about but it lead me thinking and an idea sprout out in my head: to start a ministry at where I am to help women who are struggling with sexual sin. I was doubtful, since I am not out of it yet (though I will prolly never will be- but you know what I mean) but this thought also came out of the other time before this that I was thinking about how great will it be if there is a group or maybe just one other person who is going through the same thing as I am, but also wanting to go in that same direction, to become Christ-like. That person/ people will better understand what I am going through, see the importance of certain things which other people not going through it might not see. I'm not saying that my current accountability partner isn't doing a good job. In fact, she has been wonderful, always there for me, taking time out to meet me, to be there for me, to keep me accountable, and help me with the inconvenience that certain steps i take bring me. Really love her and am grateful for what she has done. It's just that it will be great if there is someone else who can understand too! And so, back to my initial thought. I'm not really sure if its from God. And it's quite a scary thought, because I also don't want it to come to a point that I prevent and stop myself from sinning because of ministry, or I immerse myself so much in it that I neglect God. which totally defeats the purpose. And its obviously something I haven't done before, and how can I lead others to places I haven't been. but meanwhile, let's take baby steps towards it :)

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Goal for month of Decmber 2013

Actually, my goal that i just came up with is pretty much simple.. To memorise and meditate on Hebrews 12:1-13 by the end of the year. It really isn't some complex goal or decision, but just wanting to restart and test how much God can speak to me, by meditating throughout. And thinking that this will also probably set my attitude for year 2014, IF I manage to complete my goal. I really like these verses, where I can really align myself alongside Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith; and see that He struggled as I did, but He finished it really really well! Also, as the first verse said: the huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith! Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin. And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord ’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.” As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all. Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong. (Hebrews 12:1-13 NLT) Let's do this!

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Here I stand within Your Presence Longing for Your touch A thousand days cannot compare To one day in Your courts. Hold me now And never ever let me go My Jesus, my precious Saviour I'm forever Yours

I'm forever Yours by planetshakers

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Finally found!

I finally found a good reason why my mum should snore! Thought I can't wake up early enough to spend time with God.. In the end, I woke up too early, yet can't fall back asleep.. Cos of the snoring!

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Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus

Hebrews12:1-2

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Christ's longsuffering

Here I am, 621am, at a resort where the only other person awake is the guy at the counter… Haha! I made a decision last night to wake up early to hear from God.

To be honest, I’m afraid of what He will say to me, to tell me, or even ignore me. I’m afraid of making a decision again but not stick to it.

If you fall, pick yourself up. - summary of the previous poem.

Picked up my Bible, and started reading 1Tim1. And then I stumbled across 1Tim1:16

However, for this reason I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might show all longsuffering, as a pattern to those who are going to believe on Him for everlasting life. (I Timothy 1:16 NKJV) What?! So Paul is an example of our longsuffering? So God, are You preparing me to suffer? Hmm.. I guess that make sense.

Then I looked at another version. But I obtained mercy for the reason that in me, as the foremost [of sinners], Jesus Christ might show forth and display all His perfect long-suffering and patience for an example to [encourage] those who would thereafter believe on Him for [the gaining of] eternal life. (1 Timothy 1:16 AMP) Wait! So it’s HIS longsuffering? Perfect one at that! But why should Jesus be long suffering?

But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life. (1 Timothy 1:16 NLT) OH! It’s long suffering for us! (Recalled that sometimes the Bible refers patience as longsuffering)

Wow. At the previous verses, when Paul said he is chief of sinners, I was like, no! I think I am. At least he didn’t go back on his word. At least he stayed strong throughout. But me? I’ve been in and out and shake it all about. But the Bible says Jesus’ long suffering for me.

He’s waiting. He’s patience is for me, the worst of all sinners. How can I keep Him waiting any longer?

Dear God, I am so so sorry, for grieving you time and time again. So sorry for making promises that I go back on. So sorry for not loving You. And I thank You, for always always being there for me, whether I know it or not. Yours, Verlyn

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From finishing strong. Encouraged, edified me so much

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Maybe all I want..

Maybe all I want.. Is to be loved.

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I can't sleep

I can't sleep I can't sleep I can't sleep Okay that doesn't help. I just feel like I should emo abit now.. ARGH. What do I do from here?!?

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Had an amazing covenant day

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Thoughts on Saturday night

I seriously don’t know how to use this.

Anw, pastor Tim Hall is a great man. He came to YI to speak today. In all honesty, I couldn’t get almost half the things he talked about.

What I did get is the part where he talked about his own walk, where he made decision to ‘tithe’ his food by fasting the first 1.5 months per year. And about how much he gathered his people to pray every week, and every month, pray overnight- which says how much he himself prays and seek God. He talks about climbing to the mountains and do nothing but seek God. All these sounding so foreign and intriguing to me.

Suddenly, he got all of us to close our eyes and asked if anyone wants to receive Jesus, and one raised his hand. Got him up to the front, prayed sinners prayer, and BOOM! He fell to the floor with his friend holding him. Then he started picking random ppl in the crowd and prayed over them and they gt slain one by one. Here I started to pray like mad, that I want God to touch me, not to miss me out like what happened last time.

Suddenly, a whole lot of things happened at once. All the chairs got shifted behind, people went to the front, and he prayed for everyone one by one and they all got slained. Running around catching people was what I started to do. Then suddenly, he asked for my name, and said that I’ve been helping him right? And yes, and boom! I didn’t even know who was the one who caught me. I just blanked out and my legs gave way. And I lay on the floor. Now thinking back, I should have stayed there, I should have asked for more. But after a short while, kept thinking of the other ppl I need to catch.

Almost everyone got slain this afternoon. It was just people going around the room, things going crazy.

After I recovered. And really thought through for myself what had happened, I thought: what kind of amazing walk this guy must have with God! To walk so closely, that God’s presence just manifest through him.

And I thought: can a person like me ever have that kind of relationship with Him? Is it even possible? Me- being thwarted and covered and defiled, by so much sin and shame. That even so many times I asked God for forgiveness, but I still fall back to sin. I still don’t help myself.

I scare myself. When I want sin, I convince myself it’s okay, no one knows, I’m not gonna tell anyone. Immediately after the estacy moment is over, I continue, even when the guilt is there, to make myself feel less guilty. And I feel like crap aft that, and to make myself feel better I say to myself, since I’m in it already, there’s no getting out so I continue. And throughout I know that I’m numbing myself, I make concious decisions to do what I did.

Can someone like this, so messed up on the inside, pretending to be all ok on the outside, ever be someone so close to God?

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Hi! Im creating this to put some of my many thoughts down!!