i know i shouldn’t read comments on things, but there’s this really common idea i see a lot that rape is just “when a woman regrets having sex with someone”.
something about this logic is really pervasive and comfortable for people: if the majority of claims are just women overreacting to consenting situations, it makes the world a safer place. it lets people believe that there is an equal amount of power in play: that women can “cry rape” when things go wrong.
and i wonder who started that idea, because virtually no one i have ever spoken to who has regretted consensual sex described it as rape. in fact, many people i spoke to who regretted sex ended up telling me a story that did sound like rape or sexual assault, but they considered consensual: “i was drunk it was my fault” “i only said yes because he was being scary” “he pressured me into it” “i agreed because it was easier than disagreeing” “she was my older babysitter what else was i going to do?” and in the end most of these people don’t like talking about it, because they feel a deep shame and guilt about it, haunted by this notion that they made the mistake, not the other person.
and i think: who does this idea benefit. if you can shut down any claim with “you just regretted it” who does that idea protect?
it’s an entirely scary thought, but i wonder how many people walk around with the idea that the rape they committed was perfectly consensual. how many people write off any accusations against them as just “regret” or “jealousy” or the good old fashioned “witch hunt.” i wonder how many people have no idea that what they did was an act of violence, nor will they ever.
when people tell me “oh, it’s just a woman who regrets having sex,” i often feel it’s important to ask them: why would someone regret having sex? and at this point, the answers get muddy. oh, she was drunk. he was ugly and his partner didn’t notice. it turns out that many of these answers lead up to situations where a power structure was at play, or liquor, or manipulation, or discomfort.
i just wonder. exactly how much of this is a conscious choice to belittle a violent act because otherwise, a lot of people have to look at the reality of their actions.
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