Bernard Spilsbury (OBE)

He/Him 66 years old Prisoner 24602

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

Hello,?

It's me, everyone's favourite (law abiding) coroner.

Everything you heard about the scandal was wrong you can't convict me

If you need a corpse, call me. (I'm looking at you, montagu.)

[deborahisdoingherbest]

Does anyone know which pub everyone is meeting at? I think I may be lost, it smells funny here, why would it smell like meat when there are no butchers around? And the ground feels really sticky...

[pink-typist]

Darling I think you're at Spilsbury parlour but dw I can pick you up if you want!

Also I'm Prezzo btw idk if we have met before

[deborahisdoingherbest]

If you wouldn't mind! I don't think we've met before either, but I believe you're a friend of Jean's? Please call me Debbie, it's lovely to meet you!

[pink-typist]

It's lovely to meet you too!

And it's really not problem! I'm basically friends with Bernard so I can get you out of there in no time!

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

Oh, dear. I'm awfully sorry. I can point you to Montagu's most frequented pubs if you promise not to alert the authorities on anything you may or may not have seen

[the-quasar-hero]

Come, you simply must meet my associates! This woman right here is a delightful pervert of sorts, and this fellow here, he’s some kind of a fucking idiot.

[navycat305]

Shout out to Brian

[mi5complaintbin]

ATTN AGENTS

Please be aware that the majority of the Human Resources department will be on a staff retreat for the next two weeks. As a result, response time to any complaints or issues may be delayed. Thank you for understanding.

[cockney-in-a-hat]

You lot have a smashing time! Feel free to extend it if ya want to, we can definetly behave ourselves in yer absence! Totally nothing to worry about!

All I'm hearin' is that there ain't no consequences for the next two weeks... sounds real fun

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

Ooh! No HR for a fortnight? I can't wait! I must contact my glitter/heart provider…

[cockney-in-a-hat]

I s'pose that means you'll be usin' the passages durin' that time? I got some people ya can leave 'presents' for if ya'd like! I can help with the glitter but please don't put those dead things near me... I hate the texture of 'em and even lookin' at 'em creeps me out because I can practically feel the yuckyness. Makes me shiver thinking 'bout it... No offence of course, I'm just a lil' sensitive when it comes to certain textures

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

Oh! I never actually thought about that… I might utilise my summertime to make dugouts. For accessibility. I forget people might be averse to the texture of gore.

[cockney-in-a-hat]

I done a couple of improvements to them passages o' yours, so I can show ya some of the better places to put yer stuff cos' there's a couple I don't use all that often. If ya stumble upon a cupboard with a mat and random stuff in, that'd be me home, so please don't tamper with it. You're welcome to help yerself to the snacks though, just don't touch the digestives, I give them to Masterman when he annoys me.

[mi5complaintbin]

Hey, what do you mean when you say “passages” ???

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

… nothing don't worry about it

[that-1940s-homosexual]

🫁🫁🫁🫁🫁

Did Brian escape again? Glad he came to me tho, I can take care of him while Spilsbury is away doing whatever he does..

@very-trustworthy-coroner when will you be picking Brian up?

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

in a minute. Why are there five now??

[nonknowledge3-deactivated202309]

we could be covered in blood together if you stopped playing hard to get

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

me and who?

[milfcastro-deactivated20251208]

Some people look better with less clothes and some of us were born with the painful absence of a Soviet era military winter overcoat

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

@communist-ping-pong

[communist-ping-pong]

This is very real but luckily I do now have a Soviet military winter overcoat so it's all fine.

You should get one tho

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

No thank you. It's summer so I'm only wearing this from now on.

[milfcastro-deactivated20251208]

Some people look better with less clothes and some of us were born with the painful absence of a Soviet era military winter overcoat

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

@communist-ping-pong

[ribbitingconversation]

bernard spilsbury the original etsy witch

[ewen-montagu-official]

Got yer watch! He gave it t' me fer free cos' he owed me a favour from a while back. Now I ain't exactly been taught geography, but I saw some of yer notes and got a little confused... how d'ya get to Spain if you're turnin' left at France?

@cockney-in-a-hat

Excellent job! I knew you'd be able to do it. And as for that other question, well firstly those shouldn't have been left out for you to see, many apologies. But when you're planning the route on a map, you do in fact turn left at France to reach Spain. Of course the crew will have more accurate instructions, that's only shorthand.

[cockney-in-a-hat]

Sorry Sir, but I still don't follow.. surely turnin' left and goin' straight on means yous hittin' France or endin' up in America with that offputtingly loud American fella Mr Watkins?

[ewen-montagu-official]

It's vaguely left. As I said, the purpose of my remark was mainly humorous and not an accurate estimation of the orders that will be given to the crew

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

Oh my god do my eyes deceive me

[soy-sauce-and-mothra]

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[whimsberrypie]

The People’s Pathologist

bruised body lies on a mortuary slab

silent in her putrified state

the sole witness, breathes not a word

in pieces now, since the days without trace

feintest whispers of evidence 

shed no light on the case

when there’s three in the dark

and hell to pay

so blame of course falls,

 to a soul in decay

and the press snap up a story

of a young man—his fate hung by a string

of man and woman, sickness and health

she’s mad, so they say

but who’s to know?

when there’s three in the dark, 

and hell to pay

‘never mind, dad’ he wrote ‘don’t worry’

splashed across papers in the streets

here’s a martyr to spilsburyism

to the man who never sees

past the bleary fog of wrath and greed

dazzling the courts—courting his fallibility 

marring truth and beauty

with deft fingers, the scalpel pulls apart

the dreams of fair youth

future ripped from the flesh

with manner cold and calm

he claims again to see

a bruised body lay on a mortuary slab

plain as day, so he says

but not to you or me

but he’s the people’s pathologist

and there’s nothing left to do

at the end of the day

when there’s three in the dark

and hell to pay

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

Do yer actually have any hobbies that ain't related to icky dead stuff?

@cockney-in-a-hat

I tour worldwide sewer systems in my spare time

[cockney-in-a-hat]

Oh. That's... nice. Good fer you, any of yer friends.. partake in yer hobby with ya?

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

No, but I've also taken up eating skateboards and I have a few companions who join me

[champagnegalore]

those meetings in the basement get pretty late

[ewen-montagu-official]

r u really a good barrister?

trustable?

I am the best barrister imaginable, and my trustworthiness is second only to my immense charm. Hope this helps <3

[cockney-in-a-hat]

Y'know it's better t' be trustworthy than charmin', right?

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

and you know who's very trustworthy?

[italia-at-the-typewriter]

🫁🫁🫁🫁

im not dealing with this today

@pink-typist can you handle this

[pink-typist]

@very-trustworthy-coroner your lungs have escaped the gore freezer again. Please collect them back.

[very-trustworthy-coroner]

Right I'm coming to pick them up hold on