bits and pieces

21 YEARS OLD. THESE ARE A FEW OF MY TANGLED THOUGHTS

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When you just can't be arsed anymore

[angeldu5t]

[angstyindie-blog]

Found Here

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Day 1

TRIGGER WARNINGS: anxiety, panic disorder, panic attacks, medication withdrawals About three weeks ago I was put on Zoloft, and taken off Ativan and Urbanol. I was told I could use Ativan if I desperately needed. I know it takes awhile for meds to stabilise but I just had the most awful time. Dizziness, shakes, insomnia, cold and hot flushes and increased anxiety. So I spoke to my psychiatrist and we agreed to take me off. Last night I woke up with drenched in sweat, nauseas and in a full fledged panic attack. I gave in and took half an Ativan. Today I feel a bit lightheaded, shaky and some pins and needles. I can feel my anxiety sitting and waiting for me but I haven't felt more myself in weeks... I don't think anyone reads my posts, so I'm not too fazed but if you do and you're dealing with a similar thing, LOOK AFTER YOUR BODY!!! LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!!! BREATHE!!! And only use medication as a last resort!!!

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Here's the thing

So here's the thing. I've never been an avid drinker or drug-taker. I quite pride myself in that path I have chosen with regards to substances. But you see, with anxiety, I had to go on medication. I felt as if I was in a stuffy room at an AA meeting admitting that I have no control. So here come the anti-anxiety meds. I did my research. I thought I was smarter. Clever girl, always taking relatively low doses, always managing it. But now... here I sit Afraid that I won't make it through the night Fuck withdrawals Fuck the false sense of security I had on the Ativan. It is day 4 of severe heart palpitations, outer-body experiences, gag-reflexes and cold sweats. And I just lowered my dosage, I haven't even gone off them fully. So I do sit-ups, lunges, squats and jogging on the spot.... exercise helps right? Wrong. This is pure loneliness. But when anyone asks, I just say I'm fine... I can do this... I'll push through... what else is there to say?

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Today.....

Today I had a panic attack. Three irregular strong beats... it started with palpitations. Today I accepted my anxiety. And as wave after wave crashed through me, as I clutched onto a paper bag and a bottle of Ativan to survive the storm, I DID NOT REACH OUT FOR HELP. Today was the first day I survived a panic attack on my own, no hyperventilated calls to family, no rushes to the emergency room, no breaking down in tears Because I am ready to fucking conquer this

[kathiuska]

Inspiration that comes from the work of Gunseli Sepici

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Songs For The Blue Days

When you can’t give any more fucks : Jake Bugg - Two Fingers. When you want to get the fuck out of here : Oasis - Half The World Away

[atlanxic-deactivated20250205]

sometimes you say or do bad things while you’re in an awful mental place. sometimes you say things that are rude or uncalled for or manipulative. and i’m not going to hold that against you. mental illness is hard, and no one is perfect. but once you’re through that episode, you need to take steps to make amends. you need to apologize.

“i couldn’t help it, i was having a bad episode” is a justification, not an apology.

“i’m so fucking sorry, i fucked up, i don’t deserve to live, i should stop talking to anyone ever, i should die” is a second breakdown and a guilt trip. it is not an apology.

when you apologize, the focus should be on the person you hurt. “i’m sorry. i did something that was hurtful to you. even if i was having a rough time, you didn’t deserve to hear that,” is a better apology. if it was a small thing, you can leave it at that.

if you caused significant distress to the other person, this is a good time to talk about how you can minimize damage in the future. and again, even if it is tempting to say you should self-isolate and/or die, that is not a helpful suggestion. it will result in the person you’re talking to trying to talk you out of doing that, which makes your guilt the focus of the conversation instead of their hurt.

you deserve friendship, and you deserve support. but a supportive friend is not an emotional punching bag, and mental illness does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions. what you say during a mental breakdown doesn’t define you. how you deal with the aftermath though, says a lot.

[nebet-ren]

This is the most carefully-nuanced discussion of this I think I have ever seen. Thank you for writing this.

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So important

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Part 1 : Why Is Everything Blue

TRIGGER WARNING I read an article that described a panic attack as possession of the body and mind. Nothing has ever come close to explaining it so well. The feeling of complete loss of control. This became all too familiar to me. I tried to psychoanalyse the shit out of myself, I mean I know I've dealt with trauma, but everyone has it rough! Why, so suddenly, so out of the blue, did I feel like I was reduced to a vegetable. The difference between an full blown panic attack and just your general anxiety disorder is enormous. With my general anxiety disorder things like being in public or walking in brightly lit shop gave me a gag reflex and transformed my body into fight or flight mode. The feeling of I NEED TO RUN BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE I AM SO VERY TIRED became the norm. I don't know if other people experience this but I've been having some really annoying heart related symptoms, throbbing right through my body, sometimes I can feel it in my toe, sometimes it focuses on my stomach. FUCK BEING PSYCHOSOMATIC RIGGGGHT? What the psychiatrists and doctors don't tell you is that on some days you'll just feel like a knife is stabbing into your ribs, your neck, your back, your arms. I even went to hospital thinking I was having a heart attack only to be left feeling utterly humiliated. Suffocating, that's what this is like. My therapist calls anxiety The Trickster, manipulating your mind and body into believing and acting as if you're out of control. She tells me I'm in control... I still don't feel it. I promise you this story has a happy ending, I'm just still fucking waiting for it. It still needs to be written. I've gotten a lot better, made many small improvements and achievements but I still can't control when this hits me, I can't control when a crowd is going to make me feel like I am about to be swallowed whole, or when I need to run I just whisper to myself "one foot after the other" repeatedly. I can't control when this full body pain is gonna come or when my arteries feel like they're constricting. I still feel hopelessly out of control. All I have, is a little tablet, that I begrudgingly take everyday, so I can feel a tiny bit of control. I still cannot believe this is what my life has been reduced to. Everyday is a struggle, the skin on my head feels as if it is going to peel off at any moment. I'm still pretty lost. But I found some helping hands... Literally.... Holding onto a friend while we go grocery shopping, meditating, writing, doing Pilates. These all help. Yes great, they do, but nothing more than those little pills, and I fucking hate those little pills. I am always told that "this too shall pass" but fuck me if it isn't starting to feel like a kidney stone trying to pass

[sow-ay]

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Write a short paragraph explaining yourself in relation to your peers me: .....

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BLOG SPRING CLEAN

So it’s actually Autumn here in sunny South Africa, so the title isn’t as catchy as one would hope. (Also side note: triggers ahead)

Anyway I haven’t blogged for ages, and I due to a very rough past couple of months (read years) I’ve decided to use it as a form of therapy. Read it, or don’t. I don’t care, I’m doing this for me.

Short summary of said ‘rough past couple of months’: Part 1 : I began the year as many of us did, hoping it wouldn’t be the colossal fuck up 2016 was. HAH who was I kidding? So anyway, brown eyed and bushy tailed I decided 2017 was my year! CUE THE DIZZY SPILLS, I began, what can only be described as, dizzy spills that felt as if I was three double whiskeys and a couple of tequilas in. Usually the feeling right before you hug a toilet bowl. These feelings slowly became more persistent and eventually daily. CUE CRAZY LANDLADY, during this period I got into a gigantic fight with my landlady over her inability to provide basic security updates to our home as we kept on getting broken into. I am quite the anxious person and this shit really scares me. Following this I was caught up in a series of very unfortunate events: my landlady tried to blame me for the break-ins AS WELL as stealing my own shit (which isn’t insured); her husband threatened me and told me all about what a terrible human I am (I have met the man twice, he wears lumo tank tops, flat back caps and constantly looks like he is is three 2XDouble brandy and cokes in); my boyfriend was also threatened and an email was sent to all the parents of the tenants accusing us of robbing ourselves. WORST INSURANCE THEFT EVER AM I RIGHT??? This followed with seven of us moving out due to the behaviour of the landlady and her husband and me moving in with (one of the now ex-tenants) my best friend and her sister.

Part 2: Fresh start, new place, beautiful view of the mountains from my window and living with the best people. AAAAND Dizzy spills increase, heart palpitations, increased heart rate, low blood pressure, constant feeling of doom and dread, fits, convulsions, legs shaking and not having the energy to make it down the stairs. NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Test after test, obnoxious opinion after obnoxious opinion, speculation, negative results, a couple of trips to the hospital, having to pee into a container for two days, dropping out of university and finally, a shaky and somewhat uncertain diagnosis. Seizures (dizzy spills) a severe general anxiety and panic disorder. Hello Urbanol and Ativan. Hello pharmaceuticals you little fuckers. Boy have I tried to stay away from you. But here we go.

So if you even bothered to read this, I’m changing my blog into a story of my experiences, focusing mainly on the anxiety, the panic attacks, the loneliness, the struggle with being on medication and also, the most beautiful kind therapist who waltzed into my life. This is the introduction, I am doing this as a part of my own healing and coming to terms with what has happened in my life, not just recently but where this all began, when I was 6 and someone convinced me to engage in sexual acts because it was cool and what all the older kids did, when I was 8 and my mum was diagnosed with schizophrenia, when I was 16 and I self-harmed, and now, where it all came crashing down around me and the fucked up messiness in between.

I won’t go much into the detail of the above mentioned incidents, maybe touch mostly on my mum, but one needs to accept that the traumas in our life shape us, they do not define us, but they certainly shape us. As I said, I will mostly be blogging about now, the present and the past couple of months, both the good and the bad. Because fear not, there is good, there is hope. And whoever reads this and can even relate in the slightest to their life spiralling out of control, you are not alone. Never alone.

[slaughteringbunnies]

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[hevrtout]

o u r  l o v e  h a s  g o n e  c o l d

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New catfish is banging 🐊