Claire Keane

oozey mess

⁂
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hello vonnie
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Not today Justin
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@vgregss
me.
Justin left Saturday morning, which was like 3 days ago, and yet it feels like 3 weeks have gone by. Each day feels like an eternity. Ugh I was a mess. At first while at the airport, I felt fine, like I got this. I won’t cry. I cried a lot the night before when it was just me and him at home spending time together, I thought I had got it all out. Nope, as soon as he hugged me so he can go to TSA, the tears flowed like it was the easiest thing I could possibly do at that moment. I held him so tight. I can still picture the wet spots from my tears on his hoodie. I kept an eye on him until I couldn’t no more after he went through TSA. It was a tough walk back to my car. Thankfully, I had to run a couple errands, I napped when I got home (so tired from crying) and then my best friend Allie came later that evening to stay the night with me.
So far, I’m okay and dealing with the fact that he won’t be home for a while. I just have to keep my mind busy. And it’s nice that I’ve been talking to him more often than not. Except when he’s asleep, since where he’s at is basically a whole ass day ahead of west coast time. So, I don’t really hear from him until late afternoon. Since he’s at the base for a little before he turns over the other guys on the ship, I can talk to him more because he’s on land in lodging using wifi. Because of that, it’s made for an easier transition so far. The days that will be hardest is when I don’t hear from him and I know that’s going to be inevitable. But I can’t think about that. I have to live in the present and soak in all the seconds I am able to communicate with him. It’s going to take some adjusting, I know. We’ve been a part before, weeks only, not months, so after a couple weeks have passed, I’m sure that’s when it’ll start really hitting me how much I miss him.
I am, though, truly blessed to have the support system I have. A lot of our friends have been reaching out and have expressed their support and love should I need it. Justin is happy to hear how everyone’s been so kind, as well. We are both so blessed to have the people we have in our lives. It’s overwhelming, but in a good way :) Makes me feel like I’m not alone.
I also have sporadic plans throughout the next few months to keep me busy. Like, flying out to see my best friends in the Bay Area and in Texas. Also, most likely, going to go see my parents here in a couple weeks, then see KT, then it’s my birthday. I have a good friend who will also be here next week for work, that I’ll be able to see and meet up with. I have a lot of plans in the works and it makes me hopeful that things won’t be SO bad. At least right now that’s how I feel. But it is truly helping my anxiety so far. Idle hands create idle thoughts, otherwise.
More to come as time goes :)
Dear Kobe.
I have to let this out somehow.
The death of Kobe has me real down. It’s crazy because I personally don’t know him, never met him. Seen him at a couple of games and taken pictures of him from a far. I have never had a conversation with him. Nothing of the sort to say we were ever even acquaintances. This man was a professional athlete, a celebrity, a legend. Someone I admired from afar.
I became a fan as soon as I moved to California at 11/12 years old. I noticed his fight and dominance in basketball at a young age. He was incredibly fun to watch. I instantly became someone who looked up to him. My first hero in sports. Living in southern California and still mooching off the cable of my parents, I was able to watch almost every single game. I witnessed him winning championships and watched games with my friends, or just flat out watched by myself in the living room yelling and screaming at the tv. I can still hear my mom from the other room, “Vanessa! That’s not lady-like.” I’d get so upset sometimes as if I were a Laker. My parents, though, would always ask after I watched a game, whether it be home or out with friends, “did the Lakers win?!?” They knew my love for the Lakers and Kobe at a young age. One of my, if not first, jersey’s was Kobe’s gold 8. I still have it. It’s in my closet and I plan on wearing it this week. I wrote one of my college papers on Kobe. I grew up with him. I watched him become more of a man over the years, a fierce and loyal competitor of the game, and an icon. One of the GOATs and THE GOAT of my generation. I didn’t grow up watching Michael, I grew watching Kobe. Just as he had struggled and became frustrated when father time came knocking and the Lakers weren’t building around him any longer, we as fans were right there with him struggling and getting frustrated. We felt his pain. We were so used to seeing him succeed, we wanted more for him, more OF him. I have gotten into heated altercations with friends and even strangers about Kobe. Debating about whether or not he’s the greatest to ever do it. I could go on all day sometimes. It would bring me joy to defend this man and his talents that I so believed in. Then the time came. He retired. I will never forget watching that game at a bar screaming “Kobe! Kobe! Kobe!” as if the whole bar was suddenly the Staples Center. I cried a little that night after he walked off the court, in somewhat disbelief that this was his last game. That I will never see a fade-away jumper from him or crazy under the basket dunk ever again; unless I youtube it or ESPN decides to show highlights. The Kobe I grew up with, grew up, too. He had to move on from the game, he had to live the next chapter of his life. And I as a fan, had to respect that. We want to keep them there in those wonderful moments forever because the memories bring us such joy. We don’t want to believe he isn’t bringing us new stories or “did you watch that game last night when Kobe did this...?!” moments. We had to move on too. So, we did. Kobe went on to create a short animated story of his love for basketball, win an Oscar, have 2 more baby girls, did Detail, Muse, become a coach for his daughter and so many other kids. He was happy, we were happy for him. The game must go on and so must our lives. But yesterday, January 26th everything stopped. Nothing went on. It’s probably silly to some, probably most, to get heartbroken over a “celebrity” passing, but this was different. It’s indescribable.
I was at brunch with my boyfriend celebrating our 2 years of dating at the restaurant we had our first date at. We were pretty much finished with our meal, paid already, so we were just drinking the last of our mimosa flights. I didn’t want to be on my phone much, for obvious reasons, but my phone kept vibrating. I looked at it and a I had 3 or 4 texts all asking about Kobe with sad emojis. I was confused, wondering what it was they were talking about, because I had yet to receive anything from my ESPN or Yahoo Sports apps. I was like hm, they’re probably trippin on something stupid. But the fact that both my mom and dad texted me, was weird. So, I went to Twitter. I go to Twitter for most of my news and know it’s always pretty live. I see devastation. Lots of denial type messages. I see fellow athletes in disbelief, many saying “No, not Kobe.” Not Kobe, what?! -- I said to myself. Then I saw it. Kobe killed in helicopter accident along with 8 others. Nah, this is fake. Someone is playing a sick joke. I kept scrolling and scrolling and I started to shake and began to believe everything I was consuming in the palm of my hand. I put my hand up to my mouth in shock and denial, and started to cry. I was shaking and had chills. I have never felt that for someone whom I had never met. The impact he has had on my life since I kid was powerful in that moment. A shock of childhood memories flooded me. I could not fathom that my athlete hero is dead. I couldn’t believe it. I was in complete shock. He isn’t supposed to die, right? I had to keep reading everything that was coming in about it and then I read that his daughter, GiGi, was also with him and had died. Just weeks ago, we watched her and Kobe court side at a game. My heart broke even more. I was angry. I wanted to scream! I seriously could not process it.
I didn’t know Kobe, I didn’t know his family. I was truly just a fan, like so many. I knew the love and joy he brought to my life. He reached and touched so many lives. He taught me to be resilient, to fight through anything. The Mamba Mentality is a thing that transcends sports. It is something I have admired about him since I was that 12 year old kid. As I got older, I realized that mentality isn’t just about a game. It’s about life. He taught the world that, he inspired so many and it is unreal that he is no longer on this earth with us. He was a legend, IS a legend. He was a god to so many of us kids who grew up watching him and who wore his jersey 82 days out of the year. He can’t die. There is no way. But he is human. A human who reached millions of people, who made people believe in pushing through any obstacle that was in your way. There is just no way that this man is no longer breathing.
In the last 24+ hours or so, I’ve found myself constantly scrolling through social media, to hear another story about him. I think it’s to keep him alive somehow. To help me remember that he was incredible to everyone and that everyone is also feeling how I am feeling. But he is gone. All we have left now are the stories the highlights, and the fond memories he brought us. Whether it be in our own living rooms, a bar or at a game itself. He brought more than basketball and that could not be more clear after learning this tragic news.
If we are feeling this heart broken and saddened, it is only imaginable what his wife and other daughters must be feeling. It truly breaks me to think about what they are going through. I pray that God lifts them and comforts them during this difficult time. I pray they take their time in grieving and that they don’t feel the need to share what they are going through with the world until they are absolutely ready to share it, if at all. His family meant more than anything in this world to him and we must support and send love from a far.
The sports world will never be the same. The world itself will never be the same. Kobe Bean Bryant can never be duplicated. I am grateful and honored to have watched him over the years. I am a proud fan. I will truly miss him.
I love you, Kobe and I will never forget you. Thank you.
kobe.
I never get too emotional when a famous person dies. I didn’t know them. I was shocked and sad when Michael Jackson passed, sad when Aaliyah died. But this hits a bit different. I grew up watching Kobe. I became a Laker fan because of Kobe. I loved basketball because of Kobe. I loved his game, his mentality, his drive, his perseverance. Not only did we learn things from him as an athlete, but as a human as well. He taught us to never give up, to have that “mamba-mentality”. A part of my world has been shaken today by a professional athlete. Weird, but it is true. I am so saddened and don’t have the words. I can’t even pretend to know what his family must be feeling. All I can do is pray for them and pray that God is resting everyone on that helicopter’s soul. Today is a tragic day. I am a fan in mourning. I have so many memories from watching Kobe. So many nights and days yelling at the tv, asking friends if they saw what he just did, being in awe and even sometimes frustrated. He’s brought so much happiness into people’s lives, on and off the court. He will never truly die. I will always remember where I was when I heard the news. I started to shake and cry because I just could not believe it; in all honesty, I still don’t. I am so very sad and just trying to comprehend it, process it.