Paris Review(ed)
“I understand why French kings always had gout.”
An interview with Self (a fictionalized version of Diane Sawyer) and Self (Vida).
I arrive early on the 9:15a Express train to Forester and head to the local cafe, Mama Jama. You can smell the cafe’s bacon grease as soon as you step off the train - a hairspray cloud hangs over this small town.
I’m the last one on the platform when the noxious diesel fumes are felt. My ride has arrived. I turn to the left and see a pedicab smoking. A man with a long face and sunken eyes waves me over. His voice is slow like molasses and has the same twang all dopey small town handymen have in films. “Miss Sawyer? I’m to take ya over to Mama”.
My driver today is local handyman, Herbert. Herbert is that rare breed of men that can do anything - ranging from healing butterflies to moving the bed of a F350 truck with only his two hands. He’s recently hurt his left foot and pedaling his cab is not feasible. Not a man to let a small thing get in his way, Herbert has attached a diesel motor to his rickshaw; he’s “helping the enviroanment with [his] pedicab”, failing to see that the motor negates his original intentions.
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Self (Diane) - You recently traveled to Paris for the first time. How did you find the City of Lights and Love?
Self (Vida) - It was dirty and my lungs are full of second hand smoke.It is the most beautiful city and I love it with everything that I am.
Diane - How can a place be dirty but beautiful?
Vida - Paris is a city that personifies what every person wants to be - comfortable in their own skin. The city radiates with sadness and joy; failure and success; ignorance and knowledge.
Diane - What advice do you have for someone who is visiting Paris for the first time?
Vida - When in Paris, eat foie gras in all of its incarnations.
Diane - I’m not an adventurous food eater…
Vida - Let me stop you there, Diane. If you are not willing to step out of your comfort zone and eat the local fare, then don’t go to Paris. I understand why French kings always had gout; Paris IS food.
Diane - I’m vegan. . . . . . (silence and a serious stare off begins) . . . . Diane - Anything to sum up your experience or feelings of Paris?
Vida - To be in love with Paris is to be in love with the best and worst versions of yourself. Paris mirrors you and beats to your exquisite pulse.
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Vida is a manager with an ambiguous title. She lives in the city with her dog, Bug.
Diane is a fictionalized version of Diane Sawyer in Vida’s mind. The real Diane Sawyer may not be vegan and is much better at asking questions.
Editors note: While foie gras (especially warm over a poached egg with a glass of white wine on a balmy night at a Parisian cafe) is amazing to eat, it is torture for the ducks and geese. Please consider the suffering endured before eating any food.