The Vidalia News Recorder

https://vidalianewsrecorder.wordpress.com https://linktr.ee/the_vnr --- We're the future of satirical journalism parading as satirical journalism embellishing the bullshit that is real journalism, and we're going to rock your world of journalistic inexcellence. So excellent, it’s in-excellent. Boom. Clean up on Aisle 3, your pants.

[vidalianewsrecorder]

ATI: Are You Smarter Than a Horse?

ATI: Are You Smarter Than a Horse?

[vidalianewsrecorder]

After Microwaving Hotdogs for Dinner, Dad Imagines Future as Michelin Chef

Del Hannigan, a Journeyman Equestrian Pipefitter, just finished making dinner for his kids: 16, 14, 5, by microwaving hotdogs and serving strawberries with glasses of milk to drink. Upon completing this monumental chore, Del had a vision, a breakthrough moment, a beautiful insight into the wonderful world of possibilities that could change his life, forever. He did it. He MADE dinner. If he…

After Microwaving Hotdogs for Dinner, Dad Imagines Future as Michelin Chef

[vidalianewsrecorder]

By 50 and 9 We'll Hold the Line

Fifty people died in ICE custody. Nine murdered by ICE in the streets. All in the first half of 2026. This is not the America we wanted to poke fun at while squiffing the hooch on a spliffy doob. We wanted to laugh at the feckless, the powerfully inept, the woefully controversial, the laughably stupid. We wanted to punch-up at dipshits, assholes, fucksticks, twat-waffles, and heinous…

By 50 and 9 We'll Hold the Line

[vidalianewsrecorder]

ATI: When Will Messi Finally Get a Red Card ?

ATI: When Will Messi Finally Get a Red Card ?

[vidalianewsrecorder]

Martian Biologists Begin Nonchalant Butt-Stuff With Monkeys to Stop Human Illiteracy

Dr. Zablepoo PeepeeButtygon, famed Martian biologist from Mars, announced shocking findings–that counter long-held common-sense beliefs–at this year’s AANAL-CON (Aliens & Natives for Anterior Literacy). Apparently and according to the Martian Dr. PeepeeButtygon, 1000 years of anally probing humans did not actually improve literacy. This shocking revelation undermines the last 1000 years of human…

Martian Biologists Begin Nonchalant Butt-Stuff With Monkeys to Stop Human Illiteracy

[vidalianewsrecorder]

White Nationalist Still an Asshole

Close your eyes. Breathe. Oh shit. Okay, now open them back up and read the rest of this article.  Imagine a serene lake, gilded by lily pads, and lush evergreens, painted with the verdant brush of a deep forest against a crisp, azure sky. There you sit, on a blanket beneath you, with a basket of your favorite snacks: roast lamb, rosemary potatoes, strawberry pigs feet, and banana caviar for…

White Nationalist Still an Asshole

[vidalianewsrecorder]

ElBo The Muppet Interviews Jeff Bezos, Immediately Discovers Depression & Heroin

Editor's Note: This has been a troubling time at The Vidalia News Recorder. We sent our ace reporter, Elbo the Muppet, out into the field to interview one of the world's greatest minds, Jeff Bezos. However, we didn't account for the emotional difficulty of this assignment on Elbo. It seems that, had we considered this earlier, sending in one of the sweetest, kindest, most selfless souls on the…

ElBo The Muppet Interviews Jeff Bezos, Immediately Discovers Depression & Heroin

[vidalianewsrecorder]

Bad-Boy Researcher at M.I.T. Invents New Gun That Goes "Pow! Pow!" Instead of "Bang! Bang!"

Nils “Pow Pow” Bjornssonson, the bad-boy researcher at MIT, discovered new gun technology that is revolutionizing the market. For centuries, warfare was decided by guns–big and small–that went “Bang! Bang!” And what an effect it had on cultures, families, and nations. The “Bang! Bang!” ushered in dramatic changes in foreign policy, home defense, and spectacular police brutality. Everyone knows…

Bad-Boy Researcher at M.I.T. Invents New Gun That Goes "Pow! Pow!" Instead of "Bang! Bang!"

[vidalianewsrecorder]

ATI: Who Will Win FIFA World CUP 2026?

ATI: Who Will Win FIFA World CUP 2026?

[vidalianewsrecorder]

ATI: What Will You Get Dad for Father's Day?

ATI: What Will You Get Dad for Father's Day?

[vidalianewsrecorder]

Natural Causes Kill John Wick's Yorkie-Doodle Mix. Pope Shits His Pointy Hat

Earlier this morning, a second John Wick dog died. Wick vowed revenge on cruel God as Vatican scrambles in fear. Goodbye Pawpaw-Yaga While much isn’t known about John Wick’s other dog, a Yorkie-Doodle mix named “Yorkie-Doodle Dandy” and known affectionately by (deceased) family members as, Pawpaw-Yaga, sources suggest that he died peacefully in his sleep. Pawpaw-Yaga was 25 years old and said…

Natural Causes Kill John Wick's Yorkie-Doodle Mix. Pope Shits His Pointy Hat

[vidalianewsrecorder]

ATI: Is US Rep M. Stansbury (D-NM) Single?

ATI: Is US Rep M. Stansbury (D-NM) Single?

[vidalianewsrecorder]

ICE-Displaced Criminals Start "Fictional" Crime Podcast "Only Murders in Your Neighborhood"

The second Trump term has seen unprecedented changes in society as the United States, unravels, and speeds toward a tyrannical police state with an alarming rise in unsmashed penises. Bankers, teachers, scientists, and idiots are witnessing their professional lives, and personal lives, change on a daily basis. The toll is incalculable. What many don’t know is how this is affecting America’s…

ICE-Displaced Criminals Start "Fictional" Crime Podcast "Only Murders in Your Neighborhood"

[vidalianewsrecorder]

Lazy Americans Miss Chance to Gain Federally Protected Status by a Few Snooze Buttons

EDITOR'S NOTE: Yeah, it's not lost on us that this is the article we've been so late on releasing. In our defense, we just really, really ran out of time. Between the napping and snacking, I'm proud that we got anything done at all this week. Those Doritos don't eat themselves, y'know. The US Equal Employment Office failed to recognize a new category of protected individuals: lazy Americans. Oh…

Lazy Americans Miss Chance to Gain Federally Protected Status by a Few Snooze Buttons

[vidalianewsrecorder]

ATI: What Should Stephen Colbert Do Now?

As millions around the world mourn the late night host’s forced departure from primetime television, they are left to ask… What’s next for Stephen Colbert? Indeed, many around the country are taking the question one step further… Do you think he’ll call me, now that he’s not busy? I’ve been watching his show for a long time. Surely he knows my name, and that my dog passed away last week. So,…

ATI: What Should Stephen Colbert Do Now?

[vidalianewsrecorder]

10 Rules for LAUGHSMAXXXING the County Autopsies

Let’s be honest, autopsies can be a real snooze fest, right? There you are, watching the evolution of centuries of science and technology, as it unravels another mystery and tells the story of yet another life from an intimate, clinical, and unbiased perspective. Booooorrriiing!!!! Below are ten proven ways to spice up the next county autopsy! When the medical examiner is not looking, tie her…

10 Rules for LAUGHSMAXXXING the County Autopsies

[vidalianewsrecorder]

What did you give your mom for mother's day? Your divorce, a box of laundry detergent, pictures of you in a macaroni frame, or a grandbaby?

ATI: What Did You Gift for Mother's Day?