vignesh mohankumar @vigxyz - Tumblr Blog

Some learnings at 30

Values: It feels like saying “values-aligned” is too limiting. Most of the time, people can’t express their actual values, what they mean to them, or how they affect their relationships with others. It’s better to share a vision you see for your future, and let someone visualize it with you. Much more realistic to see if there’s a connection that way.

Change: People change, but never in the ways we expect. If there’s a behavior from someone that doesn’t work for you, pushing and punishing them are the least likely to shift them. If anything, it might actively be doing the opposite. The cases I’ve seen where people meaningfully shift their mindset happened on their own. I need to try to accept people for who they are a bit more.

Tradition: Modernity confuses me sometimes. The way we look at romantic love, ambition, and individuality is a relatively new concept. When it feels like it’s not working for me, I wonder if maybe people in the past had things right that we missed. But then, when I learn enough about what “tradition” actually led to, it’s obvious that it’s not as simple as defaulting to the past. I think we owe it to ourselves to question aspects of modernity that feel wrong to us without being fully opposed to change.

Focus: I’m totally unable to fake focus; it has to be real. In the past, not having this led to procrastination and lack of energy, because I really didn’t care about what I was doing. I’ve been working for myself for a few years now, and I’ve found a few things that add energy: writing code, working on new problems/areas, teaching something that inspires someone, feeling valued, and working with the best people.

Imagery: Much of how humans live and make decisions is not based on morals, values, or reasoning. Rather, they make decisions based on imagery. Visions they grew up around, aesthetics they wanted to live with. The myths and stories we grew up around and idealized (our origin stories) affect so much of what we look for as we grow up. Realizing this has helped me understand why I want certain things for myself.

Identity: I grew up with a dual identity. The traditional Tamil/Indian origin I had in my house growing up, and the modern American life that I had everywhere outside of it. For years, I tried to find a perfect blend of the two for myself. The problem was that those two cultures often actively contradict each other, so decision-making felt nearly impossible. Sometime this year, I realized instead that I am both 100% Tamil and 100% American. Now, I let myself be drawn to either side as needed, and see it as a benefit that I can have inspiration from both.

Perspective: I’ve learned the most when I’ve shared my life experiences with people I trust, and been truly open-minded to how they’d react to the same thing. Not that I look to them to make decisions for me, but I genuinely see a different lens I could use. Sometimes I’ll shift my views based on what a friend told me in a random conversation years before. Every time I find another person I can do this with, my life exponentially improves.

#nyc

#california

Some learnings at 29

My main commentary on this year's edition is that I did not use ChatGPT in writing this. As always, let me know if you want to discuss more!

Motion: I’ve never looked back at a time when I was stagnant and found it was particularly worth it compared to making progress. Something about my brain chemistry means thinking about problems feels even better than actually solving problems. Now, whenever I catch myself doing this I force myself to either ignore the problem (it doesn’t matter enough) or find some small thing I can do about it immediately. Now I’m not stuck nearly as often.

Discussion: I grew up during an era where certain questions shouldn’t be asked. Essentially, some views are harmful enough that they shouldn’t be held (let alone shared). A few things happened that made me question this. Often times I changed my mind with enough investigation about a specific view. And I noticed it’s useful to hear why people held those views in the first place. Silencing them mainly prevented getting to a shared understanding, and didn’t protect anyone. I believe in unifying people and communities. If we hope to shift anyone’s views, that can only happen with open, respectful discussion—not punishment and silencing.

Family: I have friends that are extremely important to me. But no matter how much I care for and respect my friends, it’s a relationship built around convenience. There’s a threshold of how difficult a friendship is to keep up (shared interests, distance, values, age, etc) before people grow apart. With family, you’re somewhat forced to make it work because you can’t get new family members (unless you get married). When I do grow apart from my family, it takes serious effort to get back to feeling close again. It’s always been worth it to me to put in that effort, and there’s nothing I prioritize more.

Therapy: I’ve had a therapist for about 2 years now. I was honestly extremely skeptical about it for years. I found someone who’s not white (so they can relate to immigrant issues) but not Indian (so they don’t by default understand Indian cultural dynamics). I also got a guy because I felt I’d be more open about… being a guy. My main worry was that I figured I should be able to own my problems. The reality is I still own all my problems, but now have someone who has an insane amount of context about me to help me consider what to do. It works because he pushes back on my assumptions, and I push back on his. He’s also well-read enough to suggest relevant stuff to read (a surprising benefit). It’s been great for me, but I remain cynical about the average therapist-client relationship.

Progress: I used to believe that any form of technological advancement was progress. To be clear: I’m not an anti-capitalist, but hear me out on this. The theory is that in a free market, the stuff that gets adopted must be “progress” because people choose to use it. The problem is that consumers’ lives aren’t necessarily improved with those choices, and often they don’t even have a choice. I think technology has been net-positive to humanity, but more than I expected specific technologies have been basically negative. It at least seems like GDP growth alone isn’t enough to indicate that things are getting better.

Rationality: I’m starting to realize that it’s unrealistic to expect people to explain why they make specific decisions. Really, most decision-making is emotional—this is the case when people argue with friends, decide if they’re attracted to someone, vote for someone, etc. I was spending so much time trying to understand why people did what they did until I realized I ultimately had no idea what was going on in their heads. It's not possible to really reason through emotional decisions.

Some learnings at 28.5

I write these every year, but for some reason the thoughts felt too raw around my birthday in November. Six months later I realized that if I didn’t write it now I’ll never get to it. In retrospect, I wish I had written this on time because my feelings have changed so much since then.

Vulnerability: Being able to say how you feel matters. I’ve found that for every meaningful relationship, having the hard conversations has (eventually) been worth it. I’ve found that bottling up the feelings eventually comes out in unexpected (and unfair) ways. This only works when the other side has an open mind, but that’s not something you can control.

Environment: I’ve done my best work when I’m surrounded by people who believe in me, the work actually matters, and I’m valued for what I produce. It’s that simple for me. A lifelong goal of mine is to continue to put myself in those spaces and to help create that for others.

Mentorship: Much of my progress over the past year has come from having an incredible support network of mentors. The biggest change for me was realizing everyone is flawed and biased. Instead of viewing a mentor as someone with certified answers, I try to learn from their choices. The choices in my life are mine alone, but I’d rather learn from those around me than figure everything out from scratch. Life is too hard to do alone.

Discipline: When I think back to when I’ve done my best work, it never felt like work. I didn’t have to use mental tricks on myself. If I’m not doing something, I believe it just doesn’t matter enough. I believe in having good habits (working out, eating well, cleaning, etc.), but I view them as a way to focus on what matters to me rather than as stuff I’m just supposed to do.

Identity: This is a lifelong thing, but I’ve spent a lot of time understanding who I am and where I come from. I’ve felt such a pull to learn more about Tamil culture over the past few years since many of my values originate there. At the same time, so much of my independence and mindset comes from American culture. I’ve been working on unifying these parts of me over this year.

Questions: Many people who know me well would describe me as an overthinker. Maybe they’re right, but many times in response I’ve called them underthinkers. Creating space to think meaningfully about what matters is important to avoid regret. I’ve accepted that I’m always going to be someone with lots of questions. My goal is to use the questions to push me forward rather than get stuck.

Some learnings at 27

These learnings are for me to be able to look back at this period in my life. I posted them last year as well. I don’t consider any of these to be new ideas, nor do I expect others to agree with everything I wrote. I’m happy to talk more if you’re interested in anything specific.

Friendship: I’m lucky to live within a couple of miles of most of my closest friends. I’ll probably remember the little things from this time: walking around aimlessly in Lower East Side, playing FIFA at my apartment, shopping in SoHo. I also know this isn’t going to last forever — people will get girlfriends, move out of the city, have more responsibilities, etc. There’s no guarantee of how much longer we have together like this, so I do my best to cherish every moment.

Learning: I’m about a year into my dance journey now. It’s been humbling to go through the awkward phase of learning, especially in front of people who’ve been dancing for decades. What’s helped me is taking videos to see the progress and viewing other dancers as inspiration rather than as competition. I’ve also never gone to class and regretted it, even the time I accidentally signed up for a semi-classical class.

NYC: People ask me pretty often what moving here was like. I usually say it takes a year to start to get used to living here, and by then people either enjoy it or move away. Even simple tasks here can get complicated, plus expect to spend money every time you leave your apartment. Two of the hardest things for me were finding a great barber (I tried 7 before I found Tim) and knowing who to call in an emergency (luckily, some of my best friends moved here). I could probably write an entire other post on why I couldn’t see myself living anywhere else.

Solitude: The past couple of years I’ve been spending a lot of my time by myself (since I live alone). It can be lonely at times, but I’ve been enjoying having space to live my life. Enjoying my own company has increased the standard who I’m willing to spend time with. I do worry if my routine is getting too rigid to add another person into, but it’ll make sense when it needs to.

Sister: Watching my sister grow up the past few years has been so rewarding. She’s unquestionably an adult now, and is already more mature than I am in a lot of ways. It’s hard for me to not try to give her advice all the time, but I also know that she has her own dreams and problems. I’d do anything for her, but she deserves the space the figure things out for herself.

Work: Life is too short to work with people you don’t trust or on problems you aren’t passionate about. If I wake up four Mondays in a row without being excited to get to the office I know it’s time to make changes. To me, the most important thing is being around the most talented people. That’s the tribe you stick with over the course of a long career.

Allergies: Took a while, but finally figured out what I think are my food allergies: lentils and lactose. Lentils have been a bit annoying to cut out as an Indian, and I’m still not fully convinced they’re an issue. For lactose-intolerance I’ve gotten used to not eating cheese, and I use macadamia nut milk for everything else.

kauai, hi

#nyc

Some learnings at 26

I've had most of these learnings over the past couple of years. It might be useful to you, but it's definitely Just My Opinion. You can message me if you want to talk about any of these.

Fitness: Your body will decay faster than you think it will. After spending almost no effort on fitness through college I couldn't get to my 3rd floor walkup without being exhausted. Now I know I have work out every week for the rest of my life to be able to play with my grandkids. The best hack for this is to pick some sport you find fun, then find a coach to tell you what to do.

Frugality: There's a difference between avoiding lifestyle inflation (frugality) and spending nothing (cheap). Nickel-and-diming your friends isn't worth it. Spending hours on errands to save a few bucks isn't worth it. A mediocre haircut isn’t worth it.

Values: A strong belief system is one of the best things you can have. At the same time, expecting others to have the same values is unreasonable. Be comfortable making decisions others don't agree with based on your values.

Ambition: The world has (almost) no rules to follow. There's no moral obligation to "achieve" anything in particular. I used to, and still do, feel an immense pressure to prove something to People. It can be helpful to try and list out who those People are, because usually it's less people than you thought. Your ambition can be whatever you want it to be.

Jealousy: It's easy to get frustrated by others' success. If you're in the right group of people, your friends will inevitably be successful. The only thing that's helped me is to become more self-motivated than externally-motivated. That way it's possible to be legitimately excited when things go well for them.

Attractiveness: This is mostly meant to be a thought on dating. I spent most of my life thinking people should judge me purely on my personality rather than how I look. Then I realized if I judge someone even 1% on how they look, I couldn't get upset for someone judging me 99% on how I look. I’ve found this makes dating a lot less stressful.

Confidence: There's a difference between being arrogant and being confident. Trying to prove yourself by picking battles is probably better than being a pushover. Ultimate confidence is not needing the validation from others at all.

Milk: Somehow I'm allergic to every cow milk and nut milk I've tried. Pretty annoying, so let me know if you have suggestions.

Relationships: A few realizations here... - The nature of a friendship can change over time. It's healthy to accept change, and it's not necessarily permanent. - One friend won't satisfy all your needs. It's best to know who you can rely on for what. - Your friends probably don't need the same thing they give you. - Avoid grudges.

Distractions: A good sign of not being focused is having distractions take up a lot of energy. It's not to say 100% of your time needs to be productive. It's worth finding ways to spend time on what matters to you most.