i love you so much mercy.... i need you and i cant live without you, youre all ive ever wanted, youre all ive ever had
youre the girl i spent my whole childhood daydreaming about
this is all far too much for me to bear and im breaking to pieces every day for what feels like the entire time youre gone
and now what will i do tomorrow
what will i do tomorrow with no place to stay, nowhere to go, and no knowledge of the future
what will i do when the choice is made for us and they try to force me to stay homeless out in the cold and the snow
when they wont allow us despite it being what we want, what we need, what we cant live without
what would i ever do without you
i was on deaths doorstep, banging and rattling the knob
i was ready and if i had possessed a gun i would have been dead a long time ago
my mind was made up and set and nothing could change it
but
then i told you and you hated it so much and i couldnt understand why
and i remember you took so long to respond and when you finally did all you could say was that you hated that so much
and with anyone else i would have taken the hesitation and the curtness to be a lack of caring, like annoyance at me
but i didnt feel like that was how you meant it
(i had to come back to write this sentence bc i was too scared originally) and it made me feel really weird, i mean i had so many horrible relationships i just gave up on trying to find someone entirely
but it felt really different and it was strange and scary, i didn't know what to think or how to feel
so i just forgot about it and didnt focus on it then one day you revealed that you loved me and you had always loved me from the second we met
and i had realized i had felt the same way all this time but was just too terrified of being hurt yet again because i knew, i knew it would be my last and i knew i wouldnt be able to do it over again, i knew it would be the final nail
even now writing this strikes me with such pain and sorrow, unbearable fucking agony and for what, over what
uncertainty? it seems so stupid but uncertainty just strips me to ribbons and i just cant change that
i would probably need years unbroken of true certainty to ever believe that it were possible
remember how when we first came out here we were homeless together? sleeping in my car, all that anxiety and uncertainty, but it was okay, i felt okay with it because i still had you, i could always just squeeze you tight, pull you into me, kiss your adorable sleeping face all over and melt over the noises you make in your sleep when i do
to hear you mumble "awww" in your sleep,
god
i love every single piece of you, the entire package
i love all your flaws and quirks and everything that makes you you
i love your morning breath and the way every single yawn of yours turns into a squeak
i love how whenever you want something you flutter your eyelashes and do a cute little dance
i love it when you ask me to get something on a high shelf for you or open things for you
i love the way you deliberately mispronounce words
i love the way your brain works and the way you think
i love how you understand me and the batshit psycho things i say and not only that but you understand the love from them, like no one else would ever go "awww" when i say shit like id make hitler look like a fucking toddler if you were ever taken from me
i love how you keep trying
please, please, please dont ever fucking stop, please dont ever give up on me
ever since i was born to these worthless subhuman methheads, that's all anyone has ever done
i love how flustered and giggly you get when i pick you up and carry you around
i love how you always do the grabby hands whenever im just out of arms reach
i love how you kiss so unique, no one in the world kisses like you do
and i love so much how i told you that last night and you did your adorable little giggle and said "i just get excited...."
i love the way you move, the way you walk it drives me crazy
i love how you're literally femininity incarnate, the culmination of every single trait and quality i spent my life daydreaming about
i love how when you walk a short distance you do that fucking adorable little thing with your hands where you walk like a dainty lil princess, cuz its what you are, you really are a dainty lil princess
and i love how getting called princess would piss you off so fucking much before me and i never even knew that until you told me months later, and all because my meaning behind it wasnt that you needed to be saved
and i love how despite that, we kinda did save eachother, and i kinda was like trying to "save" you at the start but the sacrifices i made were genuine and i felt them necessary
i love looking at our shadows together outside and seeing how much cuter and tinier you are, how sometimes you have to run after me to keep up with my walking speed because youre just so FUCKING PRECIOUS, and i just love staring at the way you walk honestly, like the way your body moves, the way you swing your arms, i could just stare at you for hours and we have!
like the first day we met up, standing in the motel parking lot after checking in, literally for 3 hours straight. doing literally NOTHING but just STARING eachother in the fucking eyes and holding eachother. THREE HOURS!!! of just staring at eachother doing nothing while the sun goes down behind us and it felt like three minutes..... the only reason we even stopped and went inside is because i said oh wow 3 hours its been and you were like WHAT
i love how sometimes you just burst and you squee and cover your face with your hands while you bicycle kick my legs and i hate how you apologize for kicking after a while because i wish you would just do it forever, i wish youd leave bruises so i could always feel it and remember how much you love me
i love how you twitch in your sleep and i love so much how i was helping you, how they were getting smaller and less frequent and i fucking hate more than anything how theyve become worse now due to the strife between us
i love how most of the time i can talk to you in your sleep, and you will NEVER respond in your sleep to something that needs like, conscious thought or anything, but almost every single time i tell you i love you youll say it back in your sleep
i love the weird things you do that you think are so gross but i just find them so charming
i love how human you are and how you dont hide behind some false bullshit veneer
i love how you call me "mine" and stuff like "my sweet boy"
i love how sometimes you get confident and stand up for yourself and put your foot down and i love so much that you do it more now and i need so badly for you to learn that its okay for you to always be that way, that the entire world needs to bend to your whim
i love how youve never made bad food once in your life and i love how you always keep asking me my opinion on the food and what you should change even though we both know theres never anything i could suggest that would be better than what you have planned
i love what a weird lil creature you are and how youll just be acting like a gremlin then youll stop, giggle and go "teehee im weeeiiirrrddd....." and ill kiss ur pretty lil face and tell you "no baby, youre perfect"
and your eyes, i love your eyes so fucking much
i love the way you look at me, i love the way you look up when im holding you and feeding you ice cream
nothing could ever compare to your eyes and the look you hold in them for me
i remember exactly how it felt to be a freshfaced young kid, have no experience, no frame of reference, no clue, and seeing what i thought was true beauty for the first time
urban decay, the sunset, the night sky in the woods full of stars, that one delorean poster where it's like, floating on water and theres a cool kinda like 80s cyberpunk purple sunset (dude as a young boy i remember one night just being entirely awestricken and just staring at the poster, lightly jumping up and down on my bed and just bawling my eyes out at its beauty lmfao)
i remember all of these and they don't compare to the beauty in your eyes, much less behind them
i feel all of that and more when i look into your eyes of indescribable beauty
every day i wish we could be melded together entirely like we are when we sleep at night
and i love how when we sleep together we wrap our entire bodies around eachother and we look like we belong in cirque de solei
all i want is to stay like that forever, i don't want anything else
i just want to exist in a space with you and stay like that forever, i want the night together and the sleep together to last forever
nothing has ever made me feel the way you have and nothing ever can. if i ever have to experience your death in this life, if we ever have to die any other way than together, unknowing, in eachothers arms at the exact same millisecond, then i will become something other than human, my reckoning will warp the fabric of reality and permanently shift the universe
i love you, mercy. i love you forever from this life to the next and all lives onwards, i need you by my side in every life i ever lead, every experience i ever have. i cant do it without you and if i cant be with you in the next life then i want this to be my last and final life. i want it to permanently end here and never start again if i cant be with you for every last one of them because nothing could ever be better, nothing else could ever be as good. you're all that makes sense and all that fits. there's no other experience like you. i love you. love doesn't do it justice. i would still give up so much more just to see you happy
<3 @batsnvampires <3
this is by no means an exhaustive list by the way. duh
