florilegium

makes of the stardust's days afloat

[virgaversa]

Queen of the Night

You know what I am? 

Everyone tells me that I am special, I am beautiful, and I am worth the wait. But honestly, what is so special about a Tan Hua? Its sumptuousness? Its rarity? Its delicateness? What is so special about a flower fabled as the Queen of the Night if, after taking its precious time all its life to bloom, it dies? 

Yes, you may think I am special, beautiful, and worth the wait, but I am only so because you know that once I am gone, it will be costly, difficult, and demanding on your side to replace me. Yet I am still replaceable.

[virgaversa]

am i the sentence you underlined but never read again?

[virgaversa]

your idea of me is not who i am and there lies the problem. you fell for who you thought i was, not who i really am. it is not for me to reach that standard you created of who i should be, it is for you to accept the reality of me, the very person you are claiming to love. i hope that if you couldn't love me for me, at least respect me enough to set me free.

[virgaversa]

do you know that feeling when you're taking a new medication, adding a new product in your skincare routine, or changing your diet? when you weirdly feel all the feelings you didn't feel before? as if this one thing you took, added, or changed made this huge difference. it makes you feel hypersensitive to the effects of the medication, the product, the diet. you notice a lot of things and you pay close attention. it is either because you want for it so desperately to work or that you are cautious it might harm you. you in my life, that's what you do.

[virgaversa]

my third eye is for you, for us, for what we were. i see it—all around all the time—even though it's long been gone.

[virgaversa]

you're staring at me like a faux sheepskin jacket begging me to touch you

[virgaversa]

We are humans, not animals. We want so bad to show superiority and control over e v e r y t h i n g around us yet we choose to be savages, barbaric, and ignorant—worse than animals.

Animals act the way they do because they need to survive, not because they are perverted, high on drugs, or drunk. They do not have the capacity to rationalize, but we—humans—do. We are disgusting. We have no excuse to be cruel and hurtful, but somehow we find all irrational reasons to be.

[virgaversa]

to those born with a silver spoon, is humility that cheap?

[virgaversa]

seeing isnt enough anymore. what we need is awareness, not of typical bullshit awareness, but awareness of ourselves, our power, our capabilities and privileges, awareness of our purpose. today was one of my few good days recently. i held a baby, was complimented on how the baby really likes me. i had some genuine laughs and smiles. i was reminded of my worth and how big my role is in other's lives. but today was also one of the ugly days where i end up questioning how our luck is decided upon. how come, with my smartphone, i see news online about a vendor being beaten up by law enforcers just cause he is on the road. what privilege i hold. i felt so useless and guilty. this man just wants to sell kiat kiat to feed his family or god knows pay for his kid's new art materials or jersey uniform yet other people decided to just fuck him over and hurt him. while i, i excuse myself from training in order for me to have a longer rest yet i get no shit for being lazy. how is the world so messed up and how are we so oblivious about it? we do recognize it. we see it, how awful and unfair it is here, but we dont act on it. we choose not to put relevance and importance to it. we choose to do something "more important".

at times, on my bad days, i wish so badly for god to take me back. but sometimes too, my day is so bad i wish so badly i live long enough to be able to make a significant change in this world or at least make a remark, leave a legacy for people to follow. tonight all i want is to be able to have a long ass life and offer everyday of it towards achieving something worth dying for. i want so bad to fulfill my purpose and to live meaningfully, because what i saw tonight tells me only one thing: that the world is cruel and unfair because we let it be. we have the power to influence others, the privilege to lead the less fortunate, and the voice to remind people that they are humans, not animals.

[virgaversa]

i want you even if

[virgaversa]

‪i hope we didnt just cross paths, i hope God put us in the same marathon. and damn, i hope we both get to the finish line.

[virgaversa]

in poetry, i keep my memories of you. in prose, i keep us alive.

[virgaversa]

cool has always been synonymous to cold

[virgaversa]

i havent been thinking about you lately, but as of writing, i am still lying.

[virgaversa]

nothing has to trigger me to remind me of you. i remember you automatically, like how a husband kisses his wife before he leaves for work— it is habitual, the way i think you. i miss you regularly. not just the vivid you or the cute laugh you have or your stupid face, i miss the you i forgot to store in my memory. i miss having you beyond just my mind. i miss the you i can love more and more. i am running out of memories to relive in my mind. i need new yous to remember.

[virgaversa]

rainy 12nn

its crazy how we perpetually choose to equate our value with the material things we own and infuriating how we are not even mad about it or the fact that others only treat us the way they do because of it. we think that portraying as the rich and capable in this society will have people look up to us as someone powerful and admirable. some of us even think that being able to afford such lifestyle exempts them from the shame of being a pretender.

we are so attached to material things that we begin appropriating each one of them as a part of ourselves and our souls, and we make sure people know that we are of high value by displaying such lavishness unapologetically. we commodify ourselves, like products displayed in glass cases at department stores. we are prostitutes for compliments, endearments, and attention that we bare ourselves in public to get some sense of validation and acceptance. we are demanding in how we want ourselves perceived and valued, to the point where we invest materially just for people to have a 'visual' of who we might be.

it is pathetic that we all opt to settle with this form of affirmation. when a boy cheats on a girl, forgiveness is handed in exchange of a public apology and a boquet of roses. in the background, people sing, "ah, what love can do!" stupidity and desperation, to say the least. stupid and desperate is what we become whenever we choose to buy things we dont even need. unless you define need to be something like, "oMG id literally die for this!", then you pretty much 'need' everything that glitters under the light. and we all do this just to comply with other people's expectations, which plot twist, are not directly coming from them, but from you.

you want so bad to be this person that you set the bar so high for yourself to reach. you always keep up to match the sass and lifestyle of the character you portray that the character whom initially possessed material things, becomes the character possessed by material things.

[virgaversa]

When I was a kid, I had a classmate who asked me which would be heavier: a kilo of cotton or a kilo of nails? Right away, without thinking, I said proudly that it would be a kilo of nails. He laughed at me and said that there couldn’t be anything heavier because both of them were a kilo, and that it wouldn’t matter if a unit of cotton is lighter or that a unit of nail is heavier.

Now, though i feel like i sound petty, this love thing is becoming a pain in the ass. I have, for sure, a lot more things to deal with right now, but out of all of them, where I feel the most pain, where I feel more involved in, is being in love. Maybe this time cotton is heavier.

It’s so stupid that I am disappointed even posting about this, but really, it’s consuming every bit of me. My pack of cotton is weighing me down.