Fragments of Me

20s | Academic | Poet

[virspei]

The Shadows in My Room

The night is dark and full of terrors

Many reside in the folds within my skull

Thoughts do not cease when it is time to rest

I lean against my doorframe staring at the bed

Knowing with certainty that restless hours await

I adjust myself on the mattress, exhausted and uneasy

Men who are not human lurk in my peripheral

They have not hurt me yet

But the threats never cease

Nightly, it is described to me

The unspeakable horrors that will be performed

My heart races, shoulders stiffen, and eyes shift

Without fail I get a couple hours

Of broken slumber which I feel more tired having had

I gave up on a fulfilling, beautiful life long ago

Begging them instead to proceed

I plead with those tall, shadowy men

Kill me with anger, vengeance, and pain

Let it be swift and me seized by immeasurable fear

I want to know that it happened

If they do keep their promises

So that I might let one last scream

Ring through the night

To inform the neighbors of my departure

Into the night that is so dark and full of terrors

[virspei]

Counting Crows

After I told him it was over

I had a terrible night of sleep

My grandma had a heart attack

Fruit tasted like ash in my mouth

I found his sweatshirt in my bed

It smelled like summer breeze

He came to get it that evening

We hugged goodbye one last time

I inhaled that fresh scent

And headed out for a walk

Just me and my dog

Upon our return

Atop my building

Sat a lone crow

I stared and thought

"One for sorrow"

For whatever reason

I could not avert my gaze

My eyes stayed focused

Even as I began to head in

And there it was

A second crow

A glimmer of hope

Warmth rushed through me

"Two for mirth"

My grandma goes home tomorrow

And leaving him was right

The crows told me

Happiness is mine

[virspei]

What's Faith?

Do you feel close to God...

When you're in your room alone?

Part of me feels like I never did

It was a farce

They all felt Him

So how could He not be there?

But He wasn't

Not when I was failing classes

Not when my mother was angry

Not when I couldn't save my friends

Not when I hated myself

I called for Him in the darkness

And in the light of day

They told me I wasn't looking hard enough

I said that's enough

I don't need Him

I've learned not to care for those

Who can't love me in return

[virspei]

And

I adore poems that begin with "And"

It feels like I already know you

We've been talking for a while

You're just continuing

There was something before

There will be something after

This is just a fragment of you

[virspei]

On the 8th Day

And He said let there be pain

Eternal suffering in the hearts and minds

Of those who have the gift of life

Let them be broken again and again

The cracks only building upon each other

Every moment looping back

Reminding them that they felt this way before

Teaching them that it will happen again

No matter what they do the pain is certain

Until the bitter end they must suffer

Because without it there is no beauty

So let there be pain

[lena-oleanderson]

also a poem from the new, unreleased collection. very possibly my own all-time favourite.

[virspei]

Be free a little

He told me he wants to visit the ocean in my eyes

I concluded we could go for the afternoon

Knowing very well that I'd get swept up

A kiss with our toes in the water

And our clothes would be strewn about

Something tender, gentle, new

Would evolve to be hot and full of passion

Then in another moment

Our cucumber sandwiches on a rocky beach

Would become a little house not far from the coast

Two dogs whose names made us giggle

A day trip would lead to a lifetime

So of course I conceded

The car is packed and we're heading to the ocean

[virspei]

Keep things to yourself

You don't have to give it all away

Not to your doting mother

Or more closed off but loving father

Keep something from your brothers

Have secrets that you never tell

It doesn't have to be anything big

Maybe you leave pennies for people to find

Don't tell your friends

That you talk to the wind

You always give someone else the better half

The dishes have to be lined up a certain way

There's a fiery anger inside you

Your lover need not hear

You see shadows that aren't there

In some rooms your skin crawls

It feels like the birds are talking to you

And they are telling you horrible things

The future is coming and you know

If you love them

You mustn't share

It's okay to keep things to yourself

[virspei]

I can't get away

I think I need to cry

It's not an overwhelming feeling

Like it normally is

Sadness is sitting on the steps at my backdoor

She brought lemonade and rain

I already have company though

I promised the guests my undivided attention

She will just have to wait

I don't want the lemonade to get warm

The storm clouds are getting darker

It's not the light drizzle that was here

When she first arrived

I start for the back door

My mother steps in front of it

Blocking my path

I make my way back into the living room

To spend time with everyone

All the people I've ever known

They need me

I have to be strong for them

Can't let the sadness in

She is eternally patient though

And I'm itching to let her in

To let it all come crashing down

The marvelous facade that I've created

Stone by stone

A hand crafted fortress

Let the walls be ruined in an instant

I beg them to leave

Of course they all refuse

I'm yearning for the release I will feel

When she brings the storm inside

The primal, unfiltered, pure sadness

The wind whipping at the shutters

Rain beginning to leak through the roof

Nobody notices except me

For now

She sits on my steps

Holding a case of lemonade

[dxstroymx]

i need to kill myself, M.T.

[virspei]

Doesn't Feel Real

I'm so glad you never told me

That you loved me

So I didn't have to bear the pain

Of having to part ways

Knowing that it was something beautiful

Everything that I had imagined

Late nights and early mornings

Our dogs with their tails intertwined

Hot black coffee and kisses

Admiring the neighbors' gardens

Soft, gentle, consistent, comfortable

Chatting about family and friends

Even spoke of the one who left you

That was okay though because you were mine now

It almost felt like I had it all

You just never said it

And maybe that feels like more of a lie

I wish you had expressed in words

How much I meant to you

So it didn't feel like I was just grieving a fantasy

[virspei]

A Better Love

I don't want to be needed

Yearned for endlessly

Every minute of every day

It is an exhausting existence

To need and be needed

Let me be wanted, desired

When every essential requirement is met

He has been fed, watered, rested

With journals full of endless emotions

Education obtained, careers explored

A human formed and a life begun

Intensity is exhilarating, intoxicating even

Being drunk on someone is the best feeling

Until you can't live without it

Drowning every night you can't get a hit

On the bathroom floor

Tears staining red splotchy cheeks

An undying craving

No part of me wants that life

I would give anything for ordinary

Something simple, almost unremarkable

You would see it and not even realize

Worn, stained towels on a clothesline

Tall grass swaying in the breeze

A robin searching for bugs

Just a man

Not anything more

To be

And to be with me

[virspei]

Navigating a Man's World

And so she asserted "I don't like men"

Her lover was hurt and confused

"You can't generalize us like that"

"It's not about you" she argued

Over and over again

Back and forth they went

To and fro like a small ship in a raging sea

The sails whipping in the wind violently

Violently like the men she so despised

If we just turn back time

Here we arrive in her childhood

Her mother told her to cover up

For fear that the bad men would see

See her round, unscarred, youthful features

So she hid them away

Her grandmother prioritized the boys

Went to every practice, meet, and game

In the news that she began to read way too early

She saw the damage

Battery, rape, murder... war

Be very afraid

All of her friends told her

About fathers who hit

Cousins who molested

How could they be the most important?

And the people to fear? To hide from?

She would never understand

And so she asserted "I don't like men"

[virspei]

I noticed

I used to cry at the dentist

Not because I was scared

Of the sharp metal tools or being reprimanded

I always diligently maintained my oral hygiene

It was just one place my defenses were useless

The constant noise I purposefully kept in the background was gone

Humming, buzzing, distracting me just enough

To keep my sadness from slipping through the cracks

Silence can be deafening

I would hear my blood pumping in my ears

My heart beginning to pound uncomfortably fast

Adjusting my stiff limbs in the awkward chair

It started slow, leaking, dripping

Helplessly, I would pretend it wasn't happening

There was nothing I could do to stop the inevitable

The floodgates would eventually burst open

The hygienist, dental assistant, and the dentist

Would always stop, with a look of pity or concern

A box of tissues -- quickly provided

Once I was asked if I was being abused

Today I noticed, I didn't cry

[virspei]

Fridge magnets!

[virspei]

A Siren Song

I want to be sitting on the edge of a cliff

Maybe not so high

A pier perhaps

Overlooking a black, swirling ocean

I love the smell of the water

The way it clings to me when I go

Begging me to stay

You are home, it says

Someday - I tell myself

I will succumb to her whims

Never return to the place so far away

I need to feel the ocean igniting all my senses

The same way a line cook needs a cigarette

It calms and arouses me all at once

I am at peace but never more alive

My keys are in my hand

I just can't wait

[virspei]

Confessions of an Innocent Man

I really didn't mean to keep it from you

Time just got away from me

It all happened so fast and then

Well I tried to put it out of my mind

The last finals week of my undergrad

I was under a lot of pressure, you know

You have to understand

I didn't mean for it to happen

I was feeling vulnerable is all

And I convinced myself I needed it

That maybe it would actually fix me

Allow me to take a deep breath

I was gasping for air

Unable to clearly see

So it happened

I broke my promise to myself

Didn't have the heart to tell you