Be at peace

I am trying to be better.

[thememedaddy]

[tomb-mold]

can i come over and touch your things and belongings

[sirlonius]

Eyeing and perusing all your knicks and knacks.

[laterkiss]

how to beg for attention without actually begging for it but like beg

[visionarybyheart]

i asked the barista if i could keep the receipt actually , right as she was crumpling it up and i said “for junk journaling” and her eyes kinda lit up and she said of course!!!!!!

and then i said thank you and to have a good day and she said “you too, babe!” and then my heart exploded into one million sparkles

i love people who call everyone babe :,((( <3333

[visionarybyheart]

maddy called tonight <3

i made pancakes this morning (kinda angrily? lol? i wanted to sleep more but was hungry)

watched parks & rec on dvd and then 13 going on 30

was feeling out of control and colored my hair pink ("why else does anyone change their hair?" - maddy)

had a bad therapy sesh yesterday have i shared that already

he said "that makes for a great comedian but not a great partner" at one point

HAHAHA call me out

been falling asleep to Friends

something i've been telling myself is that even if i feel rejected by a person or a couple or a group , is that the sun isn't rejecting me! the sky isn't giving up on me! the stars aren't! there's a whole big world out there and nature is pretty unbiased and it doesn't leave me

did my dishes

had all my meals and all my snacks !!! idc if its seemingly small or mundane i am proud of myself

tm my friend is having a birthday celebration so i am going to try to make a card right now

i got them a snoopy mug and conan pins and i hope they love !!!

[visionarybyheart]

being a regular at coffee shops will save you <3

this guy that i chatted with today was so nice and he saying that today had monday energy and i was like yeah today is weird energy and he was like i’m not here for it

and then we both talked about how we had a friends bday this weekend and we were twinning

and idk it probably sounds silly and there was more to it than that but i’m so tired and the point is that he’s so nice and friendly and is like “hey friend!” and “hey love!” when he sees me and then it suddenly feels like things are going to be ok and i’m going to be okay

[pingo1387]

having a headache while hydrated is so unfair. you were supposed to protect me.

[tombofnull]

Frog.

[tombofnull]

Frog, but now in motion.

[visionarybyheart]

i wasnt really planning on being thrust into pain, old wounds pressed onto, salt instead of salve, absolutes hurtling through my brain and crashing down coping mechanisms i made at a more regulated time … i wasnt really expecting it no matter how many videos i watched about big astrological transits and upcoming change.

i threw pancake mix across the floor and crackers too and felt whatever kind of pain i felt as a kid when i threw things against the off-white doors of my closet. i thought i had things that were safe and things even started to advance in some ways and that was exciting but then so much changed and changed really, really fast.

and when i’m hurt, it hurts, like it physically hurts, like i don’t see a way out.

but i guess i just want to say that i made a therapy appointment for friday. that i spoke clumsily but gently to my inner child. some maternal force (or something??) broke through a night i almost spent all of crying. that i said “youre fine, it’s fine,” and then worried that was invalidating but i hugged my arms across my chest and i thought about how theres more than this grief even if it’s hitting really hard.

i got takeout tonight and they know me there and they called me “hon.” i worried about a latte i got the other day, another $7 charge, but i went through the drive through and they smiled so big and it reminds me of that lyric from a song the sisterhood of the traveling pants, something about “we can wear each other for a while, i’ll lend you my tears if i can borrow your smile.” and i think he called me “love.”

maybe i’m just a parasite. maybe i just need to get out of this apartment sometimes. maybe i feel a little discarded, maybe i need to remember i’m still a human, still worthy of being interacted with, i don’t think i’m asking for much, a “hey, hon!” every now and again.

i didnt need this lesson, not really. these hardwood floors didnt need more tears, knees crashing into them, same old story spinning in my head. but i made a therapy appointment for friday. i like to imagine i get my shit together in the future, maybe future me is finally meditating , maybe she reached backwards in time and space to cradle my inner child on a bad night. maybe she saves us, which is to say: maybe i save me.

maybe i put myself in the drivers seat, go to the drive-thrus , french fries and lattes, let myself be “hon,” if only for moments at a time, maybe i open a DBT book for the millionth time, maybe i don’t self destruct this time. maybe my brain only feels real when i’m closely intertwined with another ; maybe i prove it wrong.

[cenneidi]

do it grieving

[cenneidi]

do it while the ground falls out from under you; do it while everything you loved goes up in smoke; do it while the dream of your future is still burning embers around you; build anew on the hot ashes of everything you worked for; keep going, keep loving, keep living, even as all you want is to turn back (there is no turning back; it is gone already); do it through grief, which feels like fear in the body

do it grieving

[cenneidi]

The tag I have seen most often on this post is "I needed to hear this," and I am so, so grateful to have said something that was needed. These words came out of the depths of my own grief, and I am so grateful to have made this small connection with others in the midst of it. Grief is isolating and indescribable, but none of us are alone.

That said, these tags were what I needed to hear:

we're all gonna make it

it's okay if you can't see how yet. you don't have to believe in better. for now it is enough to just keep going, and eventually the path will emerge. you are not alone. you are not lost in the woods forever. keep going. I love you.

[v35heh]

[ozara13]

[visionarybyheart]

tatem didnt answer two of my calls and it’s hard not to feel rejected

i cried about it to the moon. i’ve been trying to give him space but i miss my friend i’m trying not to scare him off but am i literally not allowed to call my friend

[sproutlett]

if you’re not paying attention to trees and how they sway in the wind then what are you even doing

[visionarybyheart]

theres a lot of changes and i don’t want to sound like i’m having a pity party or always whining on here but

i don’t talk to kristen in the same cadence; it’s different now. i don’t talk to ben; i apologized a year ago and asked him to thai food and he gave a nice reply but i wonder if part of it was just cushioning the blow for “no.”

things ended with jacob and then we were friends but that was hard. so now we don’t talk. elliot used to call me, sometimes i think of the winter nights and a random sound bite of him talking about his airpods , us coordinating while he went on a walk and i drove home from getting tacos. he said “jane,” instead of pet names (adding my name to lots of sentences) and mostly talked about himself and his work but at least someone was talking to me.

maddy said it’s like tatem and i have been platonically dating. but then i asked a question that maybe pushed things too far (and i fear i ruined things?) and now i feel sad (and crazy) because i really miss movie nights.

i’m jealous of people who have significant others who want to talk on the phone with them, who don’t get inconsistent or annoyed or ghost them.

a coworker today mentioned that she thinks of me sometimes and how often people switch up overnight on me and it makes me sad but i also feel a little validated to have a witness.

another coworker said i get myself into relationships with a lot of push-pull. i thought about that driving home and wondered how i contribute to that too; because everything is a dance and mirror, no? (it takes two to tango?)

i just feel sad and a little teary tonight. a little bit wishing that no one would get sick of me, a little bit wishing for consistent phone calls, a little bit wishing just to be held for a bit,

i don’t know why someone has to get to close to me while i’m building my own inner world and garden and then they intertwine our gardens until one day they decide to uproot and leave and i’m left, sad and disheveled. and i just keep doing it and i can heal, i can. but i’m getting so sad and so discouraged and everything feels like a farce lol. so dramatic but whatever.

[visionarybyheart]

tatem and i haven’t talked in a while :(

everyone on the apps is ignoring me

the curls in my hair arent holding

i’m having digestion issues

i’m so tired even though i did finally sleep last night

[anxietyproblem]

[chips1977]

im high on a new drug you can get for free. Its called love