Today I have started something new, and I’m excited and hopeful but at the same time terrified. I’m about to confess something to you that I have only told to a handful of people.
For I don’t know how many years I have calorie counted for almost every single meal. Every time something is put down in front of me I’ve had numbers going through my head trying to estimate the damage - and it’s always with that negative spin - to work out how much I have left of my self-imposed deficit.
For months this deficit has been quite brutal, I have been on diet shakes for lunch, as few (low-cal) snacks as possible during the day and usually no breakfast except a latte. Often I’ll have no dinner either. Sure it’s had some good effects, I’ve lost a lot of weight since the NY, but it’s extremely detrimental to my mental well-being. I obsess over food, every minute I’m not actively distracting myself. I view every bite as a failure, and when I inevitably cave to my cravings I’ll sink into quite a dark place which is very hard to get out of again.
I also weigh myself every morning, taking an average for the week and tracking my progress. If I gain I compare the food I’ve eaten to a light week and I cut my intake savagely.
But, I am going to be stopping almost all of this. I’m going to be concentrating on eating *good* food instead of just *less* food. I’m going to actively work on my relationship with it so I can view a meal as nourishing as opposed to harmful. I’ll keep the scales, but only to take my stats once a week - weight, BFP, measurements - and track my average over a month instead of a week.
I had a Tesco delivery this morning with all of the things I need to make proper breakfasts, lunches and snacks for this week. As long as I’m organised I’ll have three filling, balanced meals a day and nutritious snacks in between and I won’t be weighing a thing!! I’m optimistic and enthusiastic but at the same time I’m really quite nervous. It’ll be a battle, I may put on weight again, but I’ve got to learn that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s just part of the process.
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