This is my life, in my own words I guess @vivid-colors - Tumblr Blog

Father, I’ve lived a long life of sin.

If I had to count them , I wouldn’t know where to begin.

I’ve shouldered this burden for a long time and it’s burrowed deep.

Most days I’m not strong enough so I weep.

I weep from the guilt and shame.

I weep because I’m in pain.

I hope you don’t think less of me because I’m this way.

I’m mostly over the fact that we separated, but the thing that still stings is that you don’t have any regard or concern for me. It shows to our daughter and allows her to think she can disregard or brush off me. Through me she’ll act this way to men her life. You don’t have to love me, but you could show me some respect and try to be amicable for Josie’s sake. You don’t know how often she draws pictures of “us” together as a family. If you really wanted to give her a “good childhood experience” then you would understand that she wants to see a unit. She wants to see Mom and Dad. Not Mom & Dad. That doesn’t mean we have to kiss and make-up, but it means that we make efforts to show her we are a family together, even though we have our differences and separations. It’s a weird and hard thing to do, but that was a decision you made when you decided to leave in the first place.

Maybe I’m frustrated by this all since I saw these complications when I was making my decision to stay or leave when you were talking to other men. But I decided to stay knowing the complication it would have in Josie’s life. But for you, you seemed to make that decision without thought to how it would affect her, and you made that decision selfishly to have YOUR life. And part of your life is to have Josie in it.

I just feel like I’m having to do everything to be In Josie’s life and to give he a full experienced childhood, while you try to keep me away from it as much as you can.

Dear lord,

We turn the number on time again. This time on the year, but on all time, whether it’s minutes, months or Millenium, I ask you all the same.

Put in me a heart that seeks after you. A resolved that is disciplined by you. A spirit that is lifted up by you. A mind that is fixed on you. A body that is moved by you. And a will that is in sync with you.

Help me keep focus on your purpose in my life . Not with women, with status, with money, or with things. Help me accomplish what I’ve always yearned for; love, companionship, health, and your presence.

I love you. Happy new year.

perfectfeelings

“Forgive yourself for accepting less than you deserved - but don’t do it again.”

— Unknown

I can never tell if TikTok is torturing me, or warning me.

Telling me she’s fucking other dudes… it hurts… but the truth hurts.

6vcr

hello!

I’d rather remove myself than rain on your parade. A storm rains whether people are there or not. It only effects those that feel it, and I’d rather you didn’t feel it. No one cares to stand in the rain.

Realizing that I don’t know how to have fun.

I want to witness grass like waves of the sea

I want to bathe in the light that is filtered green

I want to burn from the wind on a stormy day

I want to feel the sting of heat from childlike play

I want to cook a great dish like the chefs of Greece

I want experience the winter solace of peace

I want to see the mountains of old

I want to hear the trees of the fold

I am by myself a majority of the time. Between work, my home life, and even my social life; I am too myself. So the person I talk to the most is myself. And bring in conversation with myself separates me from the “now” and from being present enough to talk to other people.

I feel lonely, but at what point do I do it to myself?

(Context. I’m currently sitting at a bar. On the opposite side from all females and a decent ways from friends.) i feel worlds away from everyone.

I feel sorrow from the lack of relationship, yet I don’t think that I have the energy to foster a healthy one. So I guess it is better to sit with the pain and to let others play the game. I don’t want to sit above. But oft, I sit besides.

You weren’t a good wife.

You were an even worse friend.

Proverbs says that a noble wife is more valuable than rubies.

You were hardly my wife, you were a woman I had a baby with. You refused to treat me like your husband. You told me “I only care about taking care of Josie. And I barely take care of myself. So I’m definitely not taking care of you.”

When you said that, that is the day we separated. It just took me till today to see that fully. I was clouded by optimism and by hope in being able to change things.

But I was naive. Didn’t realize you don’t change people. Experiences do. And you weren’t willing to experience anything from me other than hate.

You weren’t a good wife.

You weren’t a good friend.

You complained that I didn’t listen to you. After working all day, and coming home to someone who wasn’t cooking meals, who moderately cleaned the house, and expected me to pick up the slack that you dropped during the day. Gaslit me to think that it was my fault and responsibility to work and come home to maintain the home. All of that to say, I would still listen to your thoughts, dreams, problems. But when it came to listening to me, you refused, made up excuses, and sidelined anything I had to say.

You weren’t my wife.

You weren’t my friend.

You used me to get out of your fathers house. You used me to get over an abusive relationship. You used me to get the things you wanted for your passion of photography. You used me until you didn’t need me anymore. You cheated on me and begged for me to take you back. 6 months later you decide you are leaving me.

What was on your mind during those 6 months? You were making a big deal about cars. I bought a car for you to use, but no, you needed your OWN car. And it became clear when you left.

You told me you didn’t need me any more. That I wasn’t doing anything for you. But when I told you to leave immediately, you were shocked. You still needed at least 2 weeks maybe even a month to leave.

Idk. I’m venting, and hopefully it lets out the last of the steam that has been bottled up for 2 years now.

I gave, I tried to build, I planned, I tried to change. It never mattered what I did or didn’t do, i was never going to be enough for you.

I’m told I need to do for myself, but I’m tired now. I don’t have the energy to move, to do, to think, or learn. I did that on others’ behalf and found no fruits. So what will make it any different doing it again, when “myself” is another person, an ego, that will ultimately fail again.

It hurts when you recognize people and they choose not to recognize you. Like taking the wings off a butterfly..

People can change but not in the way you want them to, nor in the timing that would be convenient.

People can change but not by the control of another and rooted in their own life-altering experiences.

My circumstance is a blessing from God, and what I do with it determines my obedience to him.

My mask protects me, but not from disease. It protects me from dis-ease

Society says “never go back”

Philosophers say “never return to old love”

The Bible says “dogs return to their vomit”

So maybe I’m a dog, because my heart wants to go back.

But the bitch of it all…

She says “I’ll never go back”

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This is my life, in my own words I guess