(gif is not mine, credit to the owner)
warnings / language
word count / 13.9k
masterlist in bio
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THE MARKS THAT Y/N Y/L/N HAD RECEIVED on her last Transfiguration exam were ghastly compared to her usually outstanding work. There was just something about the material that Professor McGonagall had been teaching the last few weeks that she just couldn’t seem to grasp. Even her friends—the Marauders, they preferred—had all done better than her, even Peter, and they chose to spend their free time partying or wreaking havoc on the rest of the castle. Perhaps that was why McGonagall had agreed to let her retake the test in a week’s time, as long as she’d received tutoring from the student who’d received the highest grade.
And, of course, that was how Y/N ended up in the library with one of her dark-haired friends—surprisingly—through dinner on a Friday night. Their textbooks and note-covered pieces of parchment were splayed across the wooden table, as evidence that they’d already been there for hours. “Sirius, please,” she groaned for the umpteenth time as he snuck his wand out to twirl a tendril of her hair around it and she ran her hands over her face in what she hoped looked like annoyance, but the hint of a smile on her lips would give everything away if he noticed. She should’ve known that with how close he was sitting beside her—so close that she could smell his cologne—that it would never get past him, and it didn’t. “You know, if I’d known you were going to be like this, I would’ve put my request in for Remus, instead,” she told him half-heartedly, trying to press her lips into a thin line to fight her grin, but he’d already seen it.
looks like slytherin betrayal to me ✷ fred weasley
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warnings / language, underaged drinking, steamy scene
word count / 5.4k
masterlist in bio
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MUGGLE STUDIES HAD BEEN nothing but boring that day, so it only made sense that Y/N had been so quick to leave. Well, that, and the fact that it was her last class of the day. She sucked in a deep breath as she made her way towards the Great Hall for lunch, happy to get a lungful of something other than the smell of dusty books and parchment paper, but her newfound relief didn’t last long. She’d made it not even halfway down the corridor when she felt a presence pop up on either side of her.
“You’re coming tonight, right, Y/N?” A voice chimed and she didn’t have to look to know it was Fred Weasley, in all of his tall, red-headed glory. She glanced at him, anyways, and she pretended to roll her eyes at the sight of him. Even though he and George had been two of her least favorite people in their first years at Hogwarts, after they’d almost accidentally killed her during one of their firework shows, their persistence had won her affections over somewhere along the way. She’d never verbally admit that to them, but sometimes, she did hope that the two could see through the cracks they’d made in her reptilian demeanor.
(gif is not mine, credit to the owner)
warnings / language
word count / 13.9k
masterlist in bio
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THE MARKS THAT Y/N Y/L/N HAD RECEIVED on her last Transfiguration exam were ghastly compared to her usually outstanding work. There was just something about the material that Professor McGonagall had been teaching the last few weeks that she just couldn’t seem to grasp. Even her friends—the Marauders, they preferred—had all done better than her, even Peter, and they chose to spend their free time partying or wreaking havoc on the rest of the castle. Perhaps that was why McGonagall had agreed to let her retake the test in a week’s time, as long as she’d received tutoring from the student who’d received the highest grade.
And, of course, that was how Y/N ended up in the library with one of her dark-haired friends—surprisingly—through dinner on a Friday night. Their textbooks and note-covered pieces of parchment were splayed across the wooden table, as evidence that they’d already been there for hours. “Sirius, please,” she groaned for the umpteenth time as he snuck his wand out to twirl a tendril of her hair around it and she ran her hands over her face in what she hoped looked like annoyance, but the hint of a smile on her lips would give everything away if he noticed. She should’ve known that with how close he was sitting beside her—so close that she could smell his cologne—that it would never get past him, and it didn’t. “You know, if I’d known you were going to be like this, I would’ve put my request in for Remus, instead,” she told him half-heartedly, trying to press her lips into a thin line to fight her grin, but he’d already seen it.
actually crying ;-;-; this was so so amazing, Sirius and the rest of the gang’s characterisation was perfect, the build up, the pining, the flirting wsdjsgjsxjh I am done for omg, thank you for this
the sirius black fic you did is soooo good you should be proud of yourself like seriously and i've read it about 5 times and it's always just as exciting!!!
aw thank you! i was really happy that i finally finished it because i took a hiatus but im trying to get back into writing and that was the first thing i finished
im really glad you liked it though! i wasn’t sure how well the plot line was gonna go over but im satisfied, thank you for your kind words!!! 💘
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warnings / language(?), draco being a cocky little bugger
word count / 2.7k
masterlist in bio
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“‘MIONE, HAVE YOU cut the daisy roots, yet?” Y/N asked in a quiet voice as she stirred the cauldron with slow, clockwise movements. She and Hermione had been sitting at a workbench in Professor Snape’s classroom for some time now, working together on the shrinking potion that he’d assigned for the period. Snape had performed a demonstration in the class prior, but this time, they were responsible for brewing the substance themselves. “I think it’s almost warm enough to drop them in,” she hummed, continuing to heat the cauldron gently.
Hermione turned to look at the girl and she managed a strained smile. “Yeah, they’re all cut up,” she explained. She cupped her hand and slid the pile of finely-chopped roots into a small bowl, figuring they’d be easier to dump in that way. She pushed then to Y/N over the tabletop before her gaze flickered elsewhere. “Have you noticed that Malfoy’s been staring at you all class?” she muttered out of the blue, tearing her eyes off of what Y/N assumed was the platinum blonde’s table.
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warnings / language
word count / 2.5k
masterlist in bio
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Y/N LICKED HER FINGER and she turned the page of the textbook that sat in her lap. She let out a tired sigh and she leaned back against the button-tufted cushion of the sofa that sat in front of the fireplace, letting her eyes scan the text lazily. Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini sat comfortably on the left of her, their feet kicked up onto the coffee table as they read through the pages of Blaise’s own book, while Pansy Parkinson was settled in on her right, peeking over Y/N’s shoulder into hers. The four of them had been studying for hours, which was quite unlike them, but they all had a big Charms test coming up. They were the last Slytherins in the common room now, though, as everyone else had trotted off to bed long ago.
Pansy was the first to break the silence that had settled amongst the group about a half hour before, pulling her elbow off of the back of the couch and getting to her feet. “As fun as it’s been studying with you lot, I’m exhausted,” she told them, letting out a yawn that seemed much too dramatic. Y/N shot her a look, but it seemed to go unnoticed. “Quidditch practice was particularly tiring today,” she added and she nodded her head in farewell at the boys, who gave her small waves. As Pansy finally turned to leave, her eyes locked with Y/N’s and she flashed her a wink.
Y/N’s lip curled upwards in confusion as her friend walked away, leaving her wondering what the hell all that was about. She turned to look at Blaise, who was already furrowing his brows at her, and she shrugged. “I didn’t think practice was that bad today,” she offered and he tilted his head in an ’oh, well’ sort of way, before returning his attention back to his book.
(gif is not mine, credit to the owner)
warnings / language
word count / 13.9k
masterlist in bio
↴
THE MARKS THAT Y/N Y/L/N HAD RECEIVED on her last Transfiguration exam were ghastly compared to her usually outstanding work. There was just something about the material that Professor McGonagall had been teaching the last few weeks that she just couldn't seem to grasp. Even her friends—the Marauders, they preferred—had all done better than her, even Peter, and they chose to spend their free time partying or wreaking havoc on the rest of the castle. Perhaps that was why McGonagall had agreed to let her retake the test in a week's time, as long as she'd received tutoring from the student who'd received the highest grade.
And, of course, that was how Y/N ended up in the library with one of her dark-haired friends—surprisingly—through dinner on a Friday night. Their textbooks and note-covered pieces of parchment were splayed across the wooden table, as evidence that they'd already been there for hours. "Sirius, please," she groaned for the umpteenth time as he snuck his wand out to twirl a tendril of her hair around it and she ran her hands over her face in what she hoped looked like annoyance, but the hint of a smile on her lips would give everything away if he noticed. She should've known that with how close he was sitting beside her—so close that she could smell his cologne—that it would never get past him, and it didn't. "You know, if I'd known you were going to be like this, I would've put my request in for Remus, instead," she told him half-heartedly, trying to press her lips into a thin line to fight her grin, but he'd already seen it.
Sirius slipped his wand back into his robes and threw his head back in a laugh, his mouth stretching out into a grin—one that showcased his nearly perfect set of teeth. She could feel her cheeks heat up slightly at the sight of it, almost confused as to whether he'd gotten this handsome overnight or if she'd just never noticed until now. She had early spent time with him alone—away from the others—so the latter definitely made sense. Or, maybe, it was all just some sort of weird trick her mind was playing on her as payback for hours of studying. That seemed more likely. "We both know you like it when I bug you, Y/N/N," he pointed out, a crooked smile settling on his lips once he'd gotten his laughter out of the way, and he reached out a slender hand to wind a lock of her hair around his index finger this time.
She shot him a look, despite the sudden racing of her heart, and she reached up to take his wrist in her hand, her resolve faltering briefly at how warm his skin felt beneath her fingertips. She covered her sharp inhale with a deep sigh and unraveled her hair from around his finger, trying to recall a moment where he'd been this touchy with her in front of the others, but coming up short. "Not when we're meant to be studying, Black," she drew out and she gently pushed his hand back towards his own body with her cheeks ablaze, trying to tell herself that his signature smirk was not having some out-of-the-blue effect on her, because it wasn't. It was the same smirk she'd seen him give countless other girls, so it absolutely wasn't. She was just a bit hazy from having her nose in her textbook all afternoon.
Sirius let out a huff of amusement at her answer, clearly satisfied, and he propped one of his elbows on the table, leaning his chin into it. "So you do like it?" he retorted, a smirk playing on his lips.
Y/N widened her eyes at him. "Are you thick?" she asked, gesturing to the materials that littered the wooden tabletop and she lifted her hand like she was about to swat him. "I'm saying you need to—"
Sirius pushed himself off of his hand when hers lifted and he wrapped his long fingers around her wrist, leaning in towards her. He used his other arm to brace himself against the back of her seat. "Relax, Y/L/N, I'm kidding," he whispered and she could feel his breath against the shell of her ear, sending shivers down her spine, and his dark eyes stared intently into her own. She'd never realized how quickly he could take the breath from her lungs without even trying until then and she could hear her heart pattering in her ears. "We'll keep studying, if that's what you want," he muttered lowly, his thumb tracing semi-circles on her wrist and leaving trails of fire in its wake.
She nodded, swallowing thickly as she did, and she couldn't help but wonder what the hell was happening to her as she looked into his eyes. He was entirely unreadable, but she was sure her emotions were written in bold, black letters on her forehead. "It is," she managed quietly, averting her gaze from his because she couldn't take it any longer, and she pulled her hand gently out of his grasp.
Sirius let her with no qualms, but he left his arm around her chair. "Very well, then," he said, turning his head back towards his book, and she got an inkling feeling that he knew exactly what he was doing when he placed his free hand on her knee instead, tapping his fingers against her skin. Part of her wanted to knock his hand off of her leg, but the other part of her liked the warmth it brought, so she listened to the latter and let her hand rest gently on top of his own to keep it in place.
Y/N could see him turn to look at her out of the corner of her eye after that. "Thank you," she all-but-whispered and he nodded, giving her knee a soft squeeze. It was unbeknownst to her that the little tug in her lungs that followed was the first bud of many that a painful, unrequited love would soon bring her as it bloomed inside of her chest.
—
Slivers of golden sun seeped through the curtains in the dorm room that Y/N shared with Lily Evans the following Monday morning, stirring her from a less-than-sound slumber, and she rolled over in her four-poster bed. She hadn't seen Sirius much over the weekend, the last proper time having been their little study session, and oddly enough, she was looking forward to another one later that night. It was a strange feeling, even considering thinking about Sirius Black as more than a mutual friend, but it wasn't unwelcomed. Maybe spending time with him alone again, instead of letting the thought of him bounce around in her head all day, would ease some of the tightness that had been building up in her chest.
Of course, she'd have to make it though breakfast with the rest of the crew first.
She let out a loud sigh and lifted her hands up to her face, rubbing her eyes tiredly. "G'morning, Y/N/N," Lily hummed from across the room. "It's about time you've woken up. I nearly left for breakfast without you," she pointed out and Y/N shot up quickly, almost certain that the girl was pulling her leg. To her dismay, Lily's freshly laundered robe hung loosely off of her body, covering her neat uniform, and her red hair fell smoothly over her shoulders. Wondering how long she'd slept in, Y/N glanced at the small clock on her bedside table.
Her eyes widened as she did and she practically threw her red covers off of her body. "Dear Merlin, Lily," she gasped, tugging her fingers through her hair to brush it out the best she could on a time crunch, and she hopped hurriedly out of bed. "Hit me with a pillow next time I sleep in, please," she said through a nervous laugh, tugging her pajamas off and rushing to get her uniform on while Lily laughed.
"You don't have to move at the speed of light, Y/N/N," Lily pointed out as Y/N slipped her arms into her sweater, running out of stamina rather quickly from throwing everything about, and she poked her head through the hole. Lily sputtered out another laugh at the fact that she'd reminded her of some sort of mole rat with that mannerism. "I'm sure we'll still beat the boys, even if we are a few minutes late," she reassured her, crossing her arms over her chest. "And I can braid your hair if you'd like, so you don't have to style it," she offered and she took a couple steps over to her dormmate as she finished getting dressed, watching her adjust her red and gold tie one last time in the mirror that was propped up beside her bed.
Y/N nodded and she pulled an elastic out of her bedside table. "That would be lovely," she accepted, passing the black band over to Lily. "And you're right about us beating the boys. I forget it takes Sirius ages to do his hair," she joked, leaning her head back when Lily pulled her hair over her shoulders, separating it into three sections softly. That's probably why his hair looks so bloody lovely all the time, she thought to herself, staring at a pattern on the wallpaper absentmindedly.
She heard Lily let out a huff of amusement and she tugged on her hair softly. "Lovely?" she repeated and her sneaky smile carried into her tone. Y/N's cheeks flushed red when she realized she'd made her little comment out loud. Blast. "Funny that you say that, really. What was it that he said you called him just last week, hm?" Lily pretended to think about it while her fingers moved nimbly, tossing one bit of Y/N's hair over the next. "A 'loud, greasy, little mongrel', was it?" she teased, knowing full well that had been exactly what she'd called him.
Y/N could feel her cheeks flare further, and she could see their warm color in her reflection. She pressed her lips together for a moment as Lily tied off her braid before she shook her head, turning around to point a stern finger at the girl. "Hey, I only said that because Slughorn kept looking at us during his lecture and he would not shut up," she defended herself, picking her bag up off the floor as Lily went to do the same. "I didn't mean it. I happen to like his hair, actually. It's," she paused, shrugging her shoulders, "pretty," she finished and she stuck her chin up slightly, like she was proud to say it, and honestly, she kind of was. She couldn't tell you how many times she'd thought about twirling her fingers in it, just as he'd done to hers the night of their first study session.
"Oh?" Lily's eyebrows lifted as the girls made their way towards the door and she nudged Y/N gently in the side with her elbow when they started down the staircase. "What else about Sirius do you happen to find pretty?" she questioned, a teasing lilt in her voice, and Y/N's heart started pounding in her ears. She let out some sort of garbled noise and she glanced over at the girl with wide eyes. Lily burst into laughter at the sight, her lips pulled back in a perfect grin.
Y/N pushed her way out of the portrait hole, "Oh, shut it."
"You're rather defensive this morning," Lily observed when they started down the corridor, making their way towards the Great Hall. "Or maybe, you're just getting defensive about him," she theorized, leaving his name out now that they were immersed in a herd of other late students, all headed to breakfast.
"I'm not getting defensive about him," Y/N retorted, guess what, defensively.
Lily hummed, "Really? Because it seems like it to me. What happened during your study date?"
Y/N shot her a look that was contrary to her brightening cheeks and fluttering heart. "I'm not getting defensive about him, alright?" she repeated in a firmer tone, ignoring the heat of the growing pressure in her chest and the butterflies in her stomach. "And it was not a study date, it was a study session, and nothing happened. It was nothing," she told her, tucking her thumb underneath the strap of her leather bag. She was holding out and she knew it. Lily knew it, too, but it wasn't like she was just going to blurt out all of her newfound feelings when she didn't quite understand them herself, even if they had been germinating all weekend.
"Well, if you say so," Lily conceded.
Luckily, she didn't push the topic any further as they walked through the large doors and into the dining hall, making their way over to the Gryffindor table. Peter and James were sitting a little less-than-peacefully with Marlene, all of them immersed in noisy conversation as the two walked up.
Marlene tilted her head up at the sight of them and she flashed the girls a wide-eyed look. "Oh, thank Merlin," she sighed in relief as Lily slotted herself beside the blonde and Y/N slipped in comfortably beside Lily. "I can't believe you two left me alone with these nitwits," she said, her voice slightly teasing as she nodded towards the two out of the four Marauders that were settled on the opposite side of the table.
Y/N let out a soft laugh as James' hand smacked over his heart and he feigned offense, his eyes flickering to Lily like he was making sure she was watching him as he did. "Marlene, I wholeheartedly assure you," he paused, moving his hands to clap Peter sideways on the shoulders, "that whatever Wormtail did to upset you, he didn't mean it," he finished—teasingly, of course—and Peter made a show of rolling his eyes, pushing the boy's hands off of his shoulders as he did. Lily cracked a small smile as the scene unfolded, but she tilted her head down in a weak attempt at hiding it.
"Sorry, Marlene," Y/N apologized with a half-grin on her face as she knocked James gently in the shin with her toe under the table. He exaggerated a wince and threw a dramatic glare in her direction, but her smirk only widened. "I slept in a bit, otherwise we would've been here to keep this madman in check," she said, nodding towards James, who laughed mockingly before kicking her back. Her head snapped towards him again and she was about to say something unladylike, before someone interrupted.
Sirius had waltzed up to the Gryffindor table, in all of his Adonis-like glory, while everyone had been distracted by James's antics, accompanied by a bedheaded Remus, and it wasn't until he nestled in beside Y/N that anyone even noticed him. "Morning, everyone," he greeted as Lupin took a seat next to Peter and Y/N jumped at how close he sounded. Y/N's gaze snapped to Sirius's elbow, which then brushed up against her own, and she trailed her eyes up his shoulder to meet his own. "Morning, darling," he added and the way that he singled her out made her chest ache. "You're a bit of a spitfire this morning, aren't you?" he joked, knocking his knee against her own and she swore her heart skipped a beat.
"I was just—" she started, but she cut herself off when she felt her cheeks burning with pigment. She found it unusually hard to breathe as she tried to string her words together, opening and closing her mouth like a fish. She used to get crushing anxiety when she was younger, and she chalked her faulty breaths up to its return. "Good morning, Sirius," she found herself mumbling when she couldn't form one coherent thought that wasn't about how dashing he looked that morning. She'd been right about his hair, she realized. It was bloody gorgeous, shiny and black as it framed his sharp facial features beautifully, the ends brushing the tops of his shoulders. She felt Lily's hand creep towards her over the tabletop, pinching her forearm roughly, as if to snap her out of her trance, and she cleared her throat. She patted Lily's hand once in unspoken gratitude and she flashed the raven-haired boy a closed-mouthed smile, her chin dipping down in borderline embarrassment.
After watching Y/N struggle with making a fool out of herself, her friends returned to conversation amongst themselves and if Sirius, too, had noticed her blatantly gawking at him, she felt lucky that he didn't say anything. Instead, he grabbed a pumpkin muffin from one of the golden platters in the center of the table and dropped it onto his plate. Her eyes followed his hand to his lips as he kissed a few crumbs off of his thumb and she felt her stomach flip. Her cheeks tingled in a sudden fluster and she blinked up at him.
Sirius must have noticed the way her eyes lingered on him, because a small smirk graced his pink lips, sending shivers through her body. She was quick to divert her attention to the food, placing a couple of sausages and a cluster of strawberries onto her plate. "Did you sleep alright?" he questioned lowly, peeking over at her. "You seem different this morning," he added, loud enough for her to hear but quiet enough so that their friends couldn't.
His observation was enough to startle her in itself and she shook her head quickly. Merlin, if she wasn't careful, he would find her out before he even finished eating. "I'm not different," she assured him, sucking in a slow breath as if to quell her nervousness. She was usually so comfortable with him around, but their encounter that past Friday had screwed it all up. Damn him and his unwitting charm. "I slept fine, did you?" she countered, almost hoping he didn't so she could pin her odd behavior on his lack of sleep.
He nodded, "Beautifully, actually."
Of course, he had.
She mimicked his nod, before forking a bite of cut-up strawberries into her mouth.
There were a couple beats of mildly uncomfortable silence, before Sirius looked over at her once more. "Aren't you going to ask me what I dreamt about?" he questioned and she lifted her eyebrows at him when she turned to meet his gaze. There was a mischievous glint in his eyes that made her feel like he was baiting her into something.
Y/N sighed and peeled the paper off of her muffin. "In that case," she said, glancing back over at him, "what did you dream of, my darling Pads?" she questioned as blandly as she could, drawing out her joking little nickname for him.
A smile spread across Sirius' face like someone had dragged a butterknife over it and he let out a laugh. "'My darling Pads', I like that. It's really rather cute coming from you," he teased, eliciting an eyeroll and a bit of a blush on her end. "But, since you so desperately wish to know, I dreamt of you and our study date later. We're still on for that, yes?" he asked her, having gone through much too elaborate lengths to do so, and she let out a breathy laugh, shaking her head despite the smile that played on her lips.
"You're insufferable," she told him through another small laugh and he flashed her a teasing wink. She ignored the way that it made her heart flutter and she nodded, "But, yes, if you're still up for it."
"Of course, I am. You won't flunk on my watch," he promised.
Y/N gave him a huff of amusement. "I'm eternally grateful," she deadpanned, satisfied with herself when his lips quirked up at her comment, and then, their banter died down for a while.
They sat in silence, arms brushing occasionally, as they listened in on their friends' conversations, and Y/N kept sneaking small glances at Sirius when she felt he wouldn't be looking. Fortunately, he never was, but she felt less so whenever her eyes would follow his to a pretty brunette at the Ravenclaw table every so often. Every time they did, a part of her longed for him to look at her that way and her heart sank.
Only when Y/N saw him wink at her did her chest feel like it was caving in entirely. It was a bit startling, actually, how it felt like something actually shifted inside of her, and she couldn't help but bring one of her hands to her chest. "Well, as fun as it's been with you all, I think I've got more pressing matters calling my name," Sirius spoke up after a bit longer, flashing a beaming smile at Y/N and the rest of his friends. "See you for our study date later, Y/N/N," he hummed, knocking her in the arm with the back of his hand, and before she knew it, he was up and walking away from them.
Y/N felt winded as she watched him walk away, like the breath had been vacuumed from her lungs, and she panted slightly as she glanced over at Lily. The redhead, having already been looking at her, offered her a sympathetic smile and she squeezed her hand softly. "Is it really nothing?" she mouthed, bringing back the topic of their exchange from earlier, and Y/N shook her head.
It was never nothing.
Lily's hand squeezed hers a little bit tighter, and contrary to Y/N's earlier belief, her study session with Sirius that evening only made her chest feel tighter.
Another seedling of one-sided love sprouted in her lungs that night.
—
As the cool autumn months ebbed into those of cold winter, the pressure in Y/N's chest only worsened. Even in late December, she still blamed it on anxiety—factoring in the few months before exams, her ever-so-hopeless crush on Sirius, and the impending war looming over everyone's heads—terribly clueless of the way her feelings were quite literally taking her over. It was nearly Christmas, now, and though the hallways were three-fourths empty, lacking the students who'd returned home for the holiday, she still found herself sitting in the common room with her friends.
Y/N was sitting sideways on the couch, her feet resting over Lily's lap, and Remus was settled into an arm chair in the corner of the room, while James and Peter wrestled each other in front of the fire place. "Good lord, I've never seen something so pathetic," Lily muttered as the boys gripped each other's arms, attempting to bring the other to the ground, but their strength seemed so evenly matched that they just seemed to stand in place.
Y/N couldn't help but giggle at Lily's words, her eyes trained on the two boys in front of her. "They're trying so hard," she said, another laugh bubbling up from her stomach, and she leaned into the couch cushion as she snickered.
"If Sirius were here, they'd never hear the end of this, I guarantee it," Remus piped up from across the room, and at the mention of their dark-haired friend, her laughter stilled. If only Sirius were there. She felt Lily place her hands over her shins, rubbing them softly in a knowing manner, as she grimaced. Sirius had been with them through the morning and a fraction of the afternoon, but as the sun started to set and the sky darkened, he'd found something better to do.
Or someone, rather.
She'd seen him jogging to meet her in the corridor, his girl of the week, with her blonde hair and golden brown eyes. He'd taken all the air in her lungs, plus some, with him. It had been all she could do for her lungs to focus on anything else but him since then, she'd felt, but she knew it had only been a matter of time before someone said his name and the feeling would creep right back up on her. It was haunting, almost.
"He definitely would've intervened by how," Y/N hummed, forcing the thought of Sirius with that Hufflepuff girl out of her head, and she let her eyes drift back to the wrestling boys. "Maybe we should take a page out of his books and raise the stakes, yeah?" she suggested, looking back at Lily, and a lightbulb went off over her head.
Lily furrowed her eyebrows, as if she knew it was going to be something she wouldn't care for, "Raise the stakes?"
Y/N nodded. "If James can pin Peter down in the next minute, I say, you go on a date with him," she hummed, loud enough for the boys to hear, and they stopped moving instantaneously.
Peter glanced over at them with widened eyes, looking between them and their messy-haired companion. James, on the other hand, stood straight up and puffed his chest out a little, brushing his hands over his white button down to smooth out the wrinkles. "Are you being serious?" he asked, his gaze flickering between the girls.
"Um." Lily's lips parted as she glanced at Y/N, but she found herself nodding slowly, anyways, as the girl urged her to agree. "Well, I suppose we are, but only because I have extraordinarily little faith in you, Potter," she told him, her tone almost playful as a slight grin made the corners of her mouth quirk upwards.
The grin that spread across his lips was nearly blinding. "Brilliant," he beamed, glancing over at Peter and nudging him in the arm with his elbow. "You hear that, Wormtail? I'll be taking Lily to Madam Puddifoot's in no time," he hummed, earning an eyeroll from the small boy beside him.
Peter sighed, "Well, what if I win?"
Y/N blinked at him, as she really wasn't sure what he was all that interested in. He was rather quiet most of the time, so she didn't know him quite as good as the other boys. "I don't know, Pettigrew," she admitted with a shrug. "A chocolate frog or something?" she tried sheepishly.
The boy's eyes widened in disbelief. "What? That's not even close. What if I—" Before the poor, unwitting lad could even finish his sentence, James hooked an arm around his neck and used his body weight to all-but-slam him against the floor. Peter let out a surprised yelp, but he hardly made a move to fight back as James planted a knee on his chest to keep him pinned down. He looked between Peter and the girls, a triumphant smile playing on his lips. Poor kid never stood a chance. "You're a right tosser," Peter groaned, winded, and they all erupted into laughter. Lily placed her hand on her forehead, squeezing her eyes shut as she giggled, Remus was doubled over on his armchair, and Y/N was hanging off of the side of the couch, her stomach bubbling with belly laughs.
She could feel her cheeks turning pink as she did, but her laughter was quite short-lived compared to everyone else's. She spared a couple more chuckles before she felt a sharp pain in her chest and she sucked in a breath, bringing her hands up to put pressure on her sternum. She let one of her hands stay as the stinging travelled up her throat, but she used the other one to cover her mouth as a wet cough crawled out of her throat. It was almost painful as it did, like she'd been incubating a cold for a while, but it made sense when she recalled the vigorous snowball fight that they'd all participated in only days prior. She'd returned to her dorm with her clothes soaked through, so it had really only been a matter of time before one of them came down with something.
The laughter around her ceased not long after her own, and Y/N could feel the worried gazes of her friends lingering on her. "That was hearty," James pointed out, having stood up now, and he crossed his arms over his chest. "Are you alright?" he questioned, taking a step towards her in a way that was almost protective of her, and she nodded.
"I'm fine," Y/N promised with a bit of uncertainty, propping herself up into a sitting position. She grabbed a tissue from the box on the table beside the couch and she spread it over her hand. "I think I'm just coming down with—" Another onset of coughs overtook her before she could finish and she placed her hand over her mouth, hacking into it. Her lungs stung as she coughed something up, feeling it shoot into the tissue, and she pulled her hand away to inspect it briefly. She felt a little uneasy when her eyes saw what it was. It was hard to tell when it was covered in mucus, but it didn't seem quite rounded. The edges of whatever it was were a bit fringed, and it was a yellowy color, with hints of red at one end. She swallowed thickly and folded the tissue up before anyone could ask questions. "It's probably just a cold," she assured them, getting up to toss it away.
Everyone let the topic go, seemingly satisfied with her explanation, and they all joked about her spreading germs as she continued to cough through the night. It wasn't until she found herself in the girls' bathroom before bed did she really feel nervous.
Y/N felt unusually tired as she trudged her way into the lavatory. She sighed, almost in relief, when she realized it was empty, which was no surprise considering the time, and she braced herself against the sink. She hadn't realized how achy her limbs had started to feel, how raw her throat felt from the coughing, or just how tight her chest felt when she was with her friends, but now that she was alone, it was all pressing down on her at once. She took a look at herself in the mirror, probably the first time she'd paid such close attention to herself in a while, and she was surprised to see the way that her under eyes were dark and hollow. "Godric," she muttered to herself, reaching up to touch her skin. She even looked like she had come down with something.
Deciding she would see what magic a long, hot shower could work, she started to strip herself of her clothes. She'd barely gotten her shirt off when another fit of coughs came out of nowhere. Her chest clenched in an instant, her lungs on fire as she coughed. These hurt more than the last and they were a lot less sporadic. When she'd coughed to the point where she felt like her sternum was cracking, something happened. Hunched over the sink, she coughed up another glob, larger this time, and she spit them into the washbasin. Her heartrate picked up nervously when she realized this one was coated in blood.
She could see the same sort of rigid shapes in it, so she separated it with her index finger, and she realized that they weren't just shapes—they were petals. She recognized them as those from a striped carnation, something her grandmother used to grow in her garden before her passing.
Y/N's eyebrows furrowed in confusion and she looked up at herself in the mirror once more, her eyes widening as she looked at her bare chest. She was a lot paler than she remembered being, and there were faint black lines spreading underneath her chest like roots. She lifted a finger to trace them and she swore she could see one of the lines stretching as she did.
This wasn't like any cold she'd ever seen before.
—
The cold days of December bled into January's soon enough, meaning the winds had grown harsher and the corridors had grown fuller with every student returning back to the castle to finish out the year. Unfortunately for Y/N and Sirius, that also had meant that Hogsmeade had grown busier again. She always forgot how quiet it seemed when it wasn't bustling with students, but as the two of them headed into town, she was quickly reminded now that it wasn't.
Y/N adjusted the pale purple mittens on her hands and looked over at her black-haired friend as they maneuvered themselves around a group of Slytherins and met again when they'd moved past them. "Bloody busy today," she grumbled, when she was close enough to Sirius again that their elbows brushed. Even through the her puffy jacket and his wool coat, she could feel it, and her cheeks grew warm. She cursed herself silently when they did.
Even in the new year, she hadn't escaped her feelings for him.
"Well, at least I'm not dead," Sirius hummed, jostling her arm with his own while a small smile played on his lips. Y/N couldn't help but manage one of her own, even if she did jerk her arm away from his a bit. She recalled what Sirius had said when they'd been back in the common room, sitting lazily beside each other on the couch while the rest of the Maurauders were nose-deep in their textbooks. He had moaned something about a butter beer and how he'd been craving one so, terribly, awfully badly and he'd probably just die if they made him go alone. Lily and James had eagerly volunteered Y/N—who had felt too restless to study, anyways—just to get him to shut up, but now that they were alone together, she wasn't quite sure that she hated it. "That's what matters, right, darling?" There was a note of playfulness dancing in his low voice.
She couldn't help but let her lips tilt into a crooked smile. "Maybe," she started with a slight shrug of her shoulders, her voice a bit hoarse from this month-long cold, and she pushed her shoulder into the boy's side gently, "although, it is much less quiet with you around," she finished and his nose crinkled, while his large hand was brought to his chest, long fingers splaying out over the cable-knits of his sweater. Her cheeks remained warm as a quiet chuckle spilled from her lips.
"You wound me, love," he joked, stopping in his tracks. "You know you fancy my words of many wisdoms," he continued, his hand falling from his chest, and he tucked it into his coat pocket instead, tugging it tighter against his back.
Y/N had stopped with Sirius and she quirked an eyebrow up at him. She crossed an arm over her chest and tapped a purple-mittened hand against her chin. "Do I?" She pretended to think, narrowing her eyes slightly. They continued to stare at each other for a moment in a slow-settling silence, until she dropped her act and smiled at him. She could feel the stretching of the pressure in her chest, the one she'd grown all-too-familiar with in the last few weeks, and it seemed to spread in wisps around her lungs. "I think you're right," she admitted.
Sirius let out a hum of content at her response and gave her a proud smirk, studying her face for a moment. "Man, you really are easy on the eyes, Y/L/N, you know that?" He questioned, reaching up to brush a tuft of her hair out of her face, and his cold fingers brushed against her cheek, leaving trails of fire in their wake. She could physically feel something lurch inside of her chest, and maybe this is what they meant when they said unrequited love was painful. Her heart was hammering so loudly in her chest, she almost forgot to listen when he said, "but that voice of yours had grown quite manly," he finished, and her eyes blew wide.
All the mushy-gushy was immediately forgotten and she stepped forward to smack his arm lightly. "Are you serious?" She exclaimed, suddenly very conscious of how gravelly it sounded, and she grimaced.
This bloody cold.
He threw his head back in a laugh, black hair shaking about, and if she wasn't offended, she would've marveled at him. "Yeah, Sirius Black, and you?" he teased, pulling his hand out of his pocket to extend it towards her, and she shot him a look. He huffed in amusement, a soft grin playing on his face, and he used that same hand to clasp her shoulder. He gave it a squeeze and leaned closer towards her face, as annoyed as her expression was. "I'm kidding, darling, your voice is lovely," he promised in a manner meant for only her to hear.
Y/N felt warmth spread through her cheeks and up to the tip of her frozen nose, and a little blossom opened in her chest, and she couldn't help but notice how his eyes sparkled in such close proximity. She swallowed thickly, but maintained her façade all the same. "It'd better be, Black," she said.
He merely smiled. "Well," he said, his eyes searching her own. "I was really hoping for a 'my darling Pads' again," he finished, recalling an encounter from weeks prior, and only then did he pull his face away from her own. She let out a small laugh at that, surprised he'd even remembered that, and then, he looped his arm through her own, leading her forwards once again. "But really," he hummed, lightly pinching at his throat with his free hand, "couple shots of firewhisky'll clear that right up," he told her.
She couldn't help but shake her head at him, unable to hide the grin that crept onto her face. "This your way of saying you want to get me drunk, then?" She teased back, her eyes quickly flickering to the sign hanging above The Three Broomsticks and back to him.
"Well, we've got to make sure James knows he missed out somehow," Sirius chimed with a quick wink, sliding his hand down her arm to take her mittened paw in his fingers, and he pulled her through the door. Right from the start, the place was whirring with tipsy wizards and witches alike, huddled together in their respective groups and chuckling with rose-dusted cheeks, but there were plenty of tables open. The lighting was a bit dim, but given the darkening sky, that was understandable, and Sirius began to lead her further into the building. He nodded to an unoccupied table in the back of the room. "Why don't you sit down and I'll get us some drinks?" he suggested, giving her hand a squeeze before letting go.
Y/N nodded, forcing herself to ignore the fact that his touch lingered on her hand even through her mitten, and she offered him a parting smile before she made her way towards the table. Her shoes stuck to the floor with every step, courtesy of the residual alcohol, but she didn't notice it much when she sat herself down at one end of the table. She crossed her arms over the tabletop and looked over at Sirius, big hands in his coat pockets as he waited for the bartender to acknowledge him. She rested her chin in the palm of one of her hands.
Sirius, from the time Lily had introduced them, had always been one way—loud, filthy-tongued, and up to no good—when James and Peter were in earshot, but when it was just the two of them, well, he was still up to no good, but he was softer and more gentle. She had come to feel like in those rare moments when they got to spend time alone together, he was at peace. She always wondered if he was just so used to the girls at Hogwarts falling at his feet, that maybe he enjoyed spending time with a girl who—infatuated with him as she was—treated him like a regular person.
Even looking at him know, the boy seemed completely content.
He was stepping up to the counter, a grin stretching across his face and his hands moving from his pockets so he could speak with gestures. She studied the way that his lips moved, wondering if she would ever get lucky enough for them to kiss her, and the way his eyes shone in the flickering lantern lighting. Her attention drifted to his cheekbones, lovely as ever, and the crinkles of a smile just above them in the corners of his eyes. Those were her favorite. When Sirius smiled, he smiled with his whole face and it was, without a doubt, heart-melting.
His hair, too.
Merlin, she'd always loved his hair, even before her heart longed for him. It had always been kept rather long, framing his face perfectly at any given moment. What she really loved about it, though, was when he was studying, or writing a paper, it was just long enough to fall over his cheeks and annoy him. She loved watching him thread his hands through it. Oh, and his hands—
There was a prick of pain in Y/N's wrist that stirred her from her thoughts and she let out a hiss, her body jerking into a more upright position. She was quick to rip her woolen glove off of her hand, dropping it into her lap. In the center of her wrist, a bud has sprouted through the surface her skin. It waited a moment before the petals spread open, blooming in front of her eyes, and revealing a small, yellow carnation with a reddish center. Her eyes widened slightly and she brushed her thumb over the flower, tilting it a bit to confirm that it was, in fact, growing through her skin.
She pinched the stem of the flower between her fingers and pulled, wincing at the sharp pain that shot through her wrist. She removed the small flower, roots and all, leaving a small spot of blood in its place, like tearing off a hangnail. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly as she placed the flower in her hand and prodded at it. The petals were just like the ones she'd been coughing up, but she didn't understand how they'd gotten into her body in the first place. She struggled to inhale a sufficient breath as the pressure in her chest made itself just a little more noticeable, and she could feel her heartbeat pick up in the slightest.
She wasn't all too sure that this was just a cold anymore, but before she could dwell too much on the subject, Sirius set down a tea saucer filled with shots and two butter beers. "What's that you've got?" he asked as he situated himself across from her, nodding towards the flower in her hand, before his eyes flitted back to her own.
Her eyebrows lifted at his question and she shook her head, tucking the flower into the pocket of her coat and hoping he wouldn't pick up on the fact that she was nearly breathless. "Nothing important," she said, shrugging her coat off all together and setting it beside herself on the bench. That feeling in her chest was crushing again. She could feel it all the way in her shoulders and stomach now. "Who've you got all those for?" she deflected, gesturing to the half a dozen shots between them.
"Oh, right," Sirius beamed, a mischievous smile creeping onto his face, and he tilted his head at her, strands of his hair deciding to follow. "Two for me, four for you," he said, already starting to split them up between the two of them.
Y/N scoffed lightly, recalling when he and James had snuck a few handles in last Christmas and she was already giggling after two. "How come I get four?" she questioned. "Seems like you've got it backwards, Pads," she defended, sliding two of her shots back in his direction.
The black-haired boy covered her wrists in his hands and stopped hers halfway across the table. His eyes met hers in a challenging gaze. "Darling, one of us has to get absolutely smashed tonight, and the other one of us has to live to tell the story," he started, before a laugh started sputtering through his lips, "and I'm sorry, love, but I'm a bloody good storyteller." He couldn't even help it at that point but break into full laughter, pushing her hands back towards her chest slow enough as to not spill the shots. She shook her head lightly at him, but she stopped her protest all the same.
"If you insist then," she hummed, and Sirius pulled his hands back into his personal space. "I'm a terrible lightweight, though, so if anything bad happens, you're to blame."
"Oh, I remember," he said without missing a beat. "You'll be alright, though. If we get you drunk enough to fall on your arse, maybe it'll knock the cold right out of you."
Y/N picked up one of the shot glasses and tossed it back, downing it all in one go before she had the opportunity to smell it and chicken out. She wrinkled her nose as the amber liquid made its way down her esophagus, burning all the way down. "That's right foul," she muttered, flipping the glass upside down and placing it back on the saucer. "Gives me a bit of flashbacks," she said.
Sirius laughed. "Just reminding you of the end goal," he teased, before grabbing a shot himself. He tilted his head back and swallowed the liquid in an instant, setting his empty glass next to her own.
—
As the night went on, their drinks disappeared one by one, and then some, until Y/N was hiccuping in her seat. She'd begged Sirius for another round of shots about an hour before, and he'd only brought back four that time, claiming his had worn off in the few hours they'd been there already. It was certainly past curfew then, but sneaking into the castle wasn't unfamiliar to him. Y/N was at the point then, that as she downed another shot, she couldn't even feel the sting anymore. She flipped the small glass over in her fingers and placed it with the others. "I," she started to hum, lifting one of her fingers up at him and wiggling it about, "think you," she continued, letting a small giggle out, "should get me more," she finished in a slur, falling into another laugh, and she lazily propped her chin up with her hand.
Sirius furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at her, all-but-fighting the amused grin trying to spread across his face. He was far more sober than he would've liked to be at that moment, but if he were to get her home safely, they couldn't both be out of their right minds. "I," he mimicked the pattern of her speech, "think you," he waved his finger at her, too, "are getting cut off now," he said, pressing his lips into a thin line.
Hearing those words come out of his mouth felt like someone insulted her mother in that very moment. "What?" she asked, sitting up a little straighter and throwing her hands up in protest. "Why?" She dropped her hands, palms flattering against the table tops in only half-serious outrage.
"Think we've got to start heading back, darling," he hummed. "Gonna be a lot harder to bring you back if you drink yourself into a coma on me."
She let out an exaggerated sigh, staring at him through a haze of drunkenness. "Leaving already?" She pouted. "I was having fun," she protested weakly, puffing her bottom lip out and hoping that maybe he might cave enough for one more round, but she had no such luck.
Sirius only laughed, before gathering their mess in one place on the table to make it easier on whoever cleaned up after them. "Y/N Y/L/N having fun?" he repeated lightly, furrowing his eyebrows together as he slid out from the wooden bench he'd been sitting on and sliding his thick coat back on over his broad shoulders. He shook his head at her as he did, pretending to mull over the concept. "I don't buy it," he admitted teasingly, before walking around to her side of the table.
Y/N looked over at him as he bent down across her lap to grab her coat, his face centimeters from her own for a moment, and her breath hitched in her throat. It returned once he had pulled away, scooping up her coat, and leaving her heart fluttering in its place. "Well, you should," she slurred, hoping it didn't sound as rattled as she'd thought, but she was too tipsy to think much of it, so she stood up instead.
"Really, now?" Sirius drawled, his lips curling up in a crooked smile that he made minimal effort to hide, and he ran his fingers over the lining of her coat, opening it up. He held it up in a way that signaled for her to turn her back to him. "And why should I do that?" he questioned softly as she held her left arm up just high enough for him to slip her puffy jacket over shoulder.
The girl shrugged and he fitted her coat over her right shoulder as well, before she turned back around to look at him. "'Dunno," she stated, following next to him as he started towards the door. "I always have fun when I get the chance to sit and admire you, my darling Pads," she said, hardly giving the words much thought before they rolled off of her tongue. Clearly, as she would've died in mortification if she'd been in her right mind. Sirius let out a garbled noise that started almost as a gasp, but turned into something like a cough to clear his throat. She looked over at him and smiled to herself when she noticed the color that had come to his cheeks. Was he blushing?, she thought to herself, before shaking her head at the thought.
"Think I was right perfect on my timing," he chimed, pushing open the door to the tavern and rolling his shoulders back at the cold air that filtered in. "I've been trying to pry that little nickname out of you all night." His tone was joking and if her head wasn't spinning, she might've sworn he'd winked at her.
Y/N dumped it from her memory as she stepped out of the building and back into the winter, shivering at the sudden change in temperature, and she waited for him to do the same. "I'm a bit sleepy, Sirius," she admitted when the door had closed behind them, and they had started on the path back to the castle.
"Sleepy?" he repeated, like he was surprised. "I thought you were having fun doing—,"he paused. "Oh, what was it? Looking at me?" he asked, a bit of mischief in his voice, and she crossed her arms over her chest.
"Don't get cocky now that I've played into that ego of yours, Black," she warned, and he laughed, his lips pulling back in that way that they did, and her entire façade nearly crumbled at the foundation. He held his hands up defensively and shook his head. "But since I'm drunk," she said, uncrossing one of her arms to point a finger at him. "I might inflate it a bit more, because that's just how I'm feeling. You just watch yourself tomorrow, because I will deny it 'til the very end," she continued.
Sirius only laughed softly at her alcohol-induced antics and tucked one of his hands into his pocket, threading the fingers of his hair through the other. "You've gone bonkers, haven't you?" he joked, another laugh bubbling through his lips. "Perhaps, I'm responsible, though," he added, glancing over at her, but her eyes were already on him.
Y/N swallowed thickly and she nodded. "When you run your hand through your hair like that, you're bloody fuckin' responsible, yeah," she said, unable to stop the words once they'd formed on her tongue, and she could visibly see the pigment rushing to his cheeks at her words. She was so focused on the fact that she'd just made the Sirius Black blush, and so filled with the satisfaction of it, that she hardly even noticed the way her foot caught on a jut in the cobblestones and her balance blew away with the breeze. She would've been victim to the street if Sirius hadn't wrapped a hand around her bicep, twirling her so that he could pull her against his body to steady her, and her mind was reeling at the quickness of it all.
She looked up at Sirius with her breaths stuck in her throat and her heart drumming inside of her chest. When her eyes found his, they were searching her own intently, though he looked quite unsure of what he was searching for. "You drive me mad, Y/L/N, you know that?" he muttered, his face inching ever so slowly towards her own, and she could see his throat move as he swallowed thickly. Her heart only picked up the pace, her blood pumping furiously through her veins that she could feel her pulse in her neck without even touching it. "And, Merlin, you are difficult to read, because you act one way, but then you say things like that and I—" he paused for a moment, because she was starting to feel increasingly more ill. With every pounding of her heart, there was a shooting pain in her chest and a twist in her stomach, and the longer she stood there, the worse she felt. "Are you alright?" he all-but-whispered, taking a step back from her to place his hands on her biceps, and she shook her head.
Y/N managed a small smile before she pushed herself lightly out of his grasp, bringing one of her hands to her stomach. "I think I'm gonna be sick," she said, before an overwhelming wave of nausea barreled over her. To keep herself from toppling over, she lowered herself down onto her knees, bracing herself with one of her arms in the snow, and her chest was on fire. "I think something's wrong," she nearly whimpered, finding it hard to catch her breath in the moment, and she broke out into a fit of coughs. She barely registered it when Sirius knelt down beside her, placing one of his hands on her back. "I'm sorry." Her voice was small and hoarse, hindered as her throat tightened through the beginning of tears.
Sirius could feel her body lurching beneath his palm and he could hear the congestion in her lungs. He grimaced, feeling almost guilty that he'd let her push herself so far. He knew that she'd been feeling under the weather for quite some time, but he figured that she must've been clearing up by then. It hadn't occurred to him that her condition might be worsening until she was doubled over in front of him. "It's alright, Y/N/N," he assured her, rubbing his hand up and down her back. "We can wait as long as— oh, bloody hell," he hissed when she puked into the snow.
He was quick to gather her hair behind her head before it got caught in the crossfire, but only after did he realize when she vomited, it was filled with flowers and streaks of blood.
—
Everything from the night before was hazy on Y/N's memory. Everything except for the flowers that had spilled out in her puke, covering the snow in carnations and bile, and Sirius had witnessed the entire thing. She ran her hands over her face in borderline embarrassment as she stared up at the roof of her red canopy bed, and she sat herself upright. Her head ached from the aftermath of the firewhisky and her shoulder stung from—she assumed—holding herself up off of the ground.
Once she'd mustered up enough of her strength to start moving, she folded her comforter off of her legs and swung them over the side of her bed. She was wearing the same outfit she had been the night before, minus her coat, which had been thrown on top of the trunk at the foot of her bed, and she reckoned she could use a wash before breakfast. Y/N pushed herself up off of the side of the bed, grabbing a change of clothes from her nightstand, and she made her way towards the girls' lavatory. She was careful not to wake Lily or Marlene as she did, and when she got into the bathroom, she was almost thankful to find that it was empty.
She set her clothes up over the edge of one of the sinks and her mind lingered slightly on the burning in one of her shoulders as she moved. She wondered if she'd knocked it against anything on the way back to the castle the night before. She gripped the bottom of her sweater and pulled the hem up over her head, wincing as it seemed to snag on her shoulder. She dropped her sweater in a pile of knit on the floor, and when she looked up at herself in the mirror, she was surprised at what she'd seen.
Y/N had been sick with what she'd assumed was a cold for a while now, and there had been mild changes in her appearance, like faint dark circles and flushed skin, but staring at herself in the mirror in that moment, was like looking at someone she hardly recognized. The bags underneath her eyes had progressed significantly since the last time that she'd looked, sinking into her skin to the point where she looked hallowed, and her face looked so thin. Her cheekbones were sharper than she'd ever seen them, as was her jawline, and she reached up to touch her cheek. Her skin was pale and cool to the touch.
Her eyes traveled down to her neck, where faint dark lines seemed to stretch out just above her collarbone. Her breath hitched in her throat as she trailed the lines back towards the center of her chest, watching their color darken and their mass thicken the closer she got. She brought her hands to brush her fingertips over her sternum, pressing against it only to find the lines were like cables beneath her skin, and her fingers shied away from touching them a second time. She reached up to rub her eyes, almost praying that she might still be dreaming, and she reached behind her back to rub the shoulder that ached.
Y/N's heart sank in her chest when her fingers brushed against something that felt unfamiliar and she angled her back towards the mirror. The breath was stolen from her lungs when she was met with a patch of carnations. Her stomach lurched and she suddenly felt the urge to vomit again, bracing herself against the sink in case she did. She tried to catch her breath, but instead, she began to gasp for air, feeling a lump of tears forming in her throat and finding it quite hard to breathe over that.
The door to the lavatory creaked open and she reached down for her sweater, hoping she might be able to cover up in time, but her head was spinning, and the room was swirling, and she couldn't hardly think over the sound of her heart in her ears, and— "Shit," a familiar voice—Lily's—filled her ears and Y/N didn't bother with her sweater anymore. "Shit, Y/N, your back," she continued, her footsteps rapid as she practically ran towards the girl, and Y/N could feel a tickle of pain as Lily brushed her fingers over the carnations.
"Scale of one to ten," Y/N said.
"Fuckin' eleven," she muttered. "What's happening?" she asked, and the emotion in those two words—just Lily's genuine concern for her—was enough for the lump in Y/N's throat to spill over.
She shook her head as her eyes started to swell up with tears and she looked at Lily over her shoulder. "I don't know," she admitted and she turned around to look at her.
Lily pulled Y/N into a hug before she could explain anything more. "We'll figure it out."
—
After Y/N's worries had settled to a point where she felt like she was functional again, she and Lily had decided they needed breakfast. She almost regretted their choice as they approached the table and five solemn faces were what greeted her. Sirius had most likely told them what happened the night before, and she was sure he'd included the part about the flowers. She managed a small smile at all of her friends, which some of them returned sympathetically, and she moved to take a seat next to Sirius. Marlene and Peter scooted down to make room for her, while Lily planted herself between James and Remus on the other side of the table.
Warmth settled into the small of her back when Sirius placed his hand against it gently, like he was touching a porcelain doll, and her chest quivered slightly. She turned to look at him and the first thing she noticed was the circles beneath his eyes and the waves of concern rolling in them. "How are you feeling, Y/N?" Sirius questioned just loud enough for her to hear, and she shrugged her shoulders. "Looks like you're one second away from collapsing," he pointed out, meaning for it to be teasing, but he sounded more worried than anything.
She let out a huff of amusement and crossed her arms on the table too. "Feels like it, too, if you want the truth," she admitted, smiling half-heartedly at him, and he moved his hand from her back so he could pull her closer to him by her waist. He then grabbed a piece of toast from one of the platters in the center of the table. "Also, I'm really sorry about—," she started to apologize for the night before, but he was quick to interrupt her with a shake of his head.
"Don't apologize," he stopped her, moving his hand to her knee. He brushed his thumb over the cap of it and squeezed it softly. "I shouldn't have pushed you. You've been ill and my thinking was impaired. I'm the one who's sorry," Sirius continued, his eyes searching her own for some kind of acknowledgment, she assumed.
Y/N readjusted so she could set one of her hands over his and his skin was so comfortably arm. "You shouldn't be, Pads. I just didn't recognize my own limits," she reassured him. She almost wanted to slip her fingers through the spaces between his own, but before she could, his hand upturned beneath hers, and he slotted his fingers through hers first. She felt her heart skip a beat in her chest and a small smile tugged at her lips. "But," she hummed, clearing her throat out of nervousness, "your thinking was impaired, you say?" she questioned.
Sirius' full lips stretched into a grin. "As is expected when I'm accompanied by a woman of your caliber. Can't blame me for finding any excuse to spend more time with you, can you?" he chimed, giving her hand a gentle squeeze and igniting a wildfire across her cheeks. She turned her head slightly away from him in embarrassment and he let out a soft chuckle, his other hand coming up to ruffle her hair. "That was well-deserved, I think," he said.
"What?" She turned back to look at him with her cheeks still ablaze.
He laughed again. "For your comment about my hair last night," he explained. "Can't make me blush and expect me not to tease you about it."
"I thought I told you not to get cocky, Black," she rebutted, swatting away the hand that she held, and he chuckled.
"Oh, so it's like that, then?" he teased, forgetting her knee, and he wrapped his arm around her waist again instead, pulling her in for a good-natured side hug. "I was only joking. Well, about the payback, at least," he admitted, turning his head so that his lips brushed against the shell of her ear. "I promise, though, darling. I rarely think properly around you anymore," he whispered the words to only her and a tingle crawled down her spine.
Just when Y/N had been sure she couldn't get any more red, her cheeks grew burning hot, and her chest felt like it was exploding. "That's cruel, Sirius," she muttered half-heartedly, almost breathless from the way her chest was caving in on her lungs, and she reached across the table to grab a waffle. She felt much too lazy to actually cut it up and drizzle syrup on it, so she bit into it like a piece of toast.
"You can think what you want, but I know what I feel, love," he hummed, and he left his hand where it was while she nibbled on her waffle. She honestly couldn't tell if he was pulling her leg or not. "If you're still not feeling well, though, you're welcome to lean on me. I'll make sure you stay upright," he offered with a small smile and a quick wink, before he turned his head back to the others, tuning into the second half of whatever story James had wanted to share that morning.
Y/N, after Sirius had focused his attention elsewhere, did fancy the idea of a place to rest her head, especially on the shoulders of such a specimen, so she took a bite of he waffle to calm her nerves, and she laid her head against him. She could feel his fingers tighten on her side as she did, and his head fell to rest against her own. She could feel her walls come down, and it was as if it was on cue, that a wave of fatigue hit her. She locked eyes with Lily, who was looking at her from across the table, and the girl wiggled her eyebrows at her slightly. Y/N only flashed her a half-hearted smile and reached to set her waffle on her plate, her appetite suddenly having disappeared.
The tightening in her chest from minutes before still hadn't let up, and she found it becoming increasingly harder to manage a proper breath. Her chest felt thick and heavy, like it was filled with tar, and her lungs ached with every breath she sucked in. "Sirius," she whispered a little too softly, and she grabbed his leg with one of her hands. "Sirius," she repeated again just a bit louder, giving his leg a quick pat, and he lifted his head up off of hers and leaned forward to meet her gaze.
Sirius' gaze had gone from questioning to concerned almost as soon as he had the chance to gauge her change in condition. His eyebrows furrowed and he began to trail his hand up and down her side gently. "Not feeling well?" he asked quietly and she shook her head.
"Can you take me to the infirmary?" she questioned, wincing at the way her lungs stung as she spoke, and when her eyes flickered to Lily, she realized everything was becoming hazy. "Quickly," she added, her heart starting to thump a little faster, and she looked back at Sirius. The dark-haired boy nodded in an instant, his hand moving from her side to the center of her back, keeping her stabilized as he moved to stand up.
This seemed to catch Remus' attention, as he pushed up his glasses and furrowed his eyebrows. "Where are you two lovebirds off to?" he drew out teasingly, a small smirk tilted on his lips, before his eyes settled on Y/N, and his expression fell. "What's wrong?" His tone was rushed with worry, and rest of the group halted their conversation and turned to look at her.
Y/N shook her head and placed her hands on the edge of the table, using it to lever herself into a standing position. "I think I need to see Madam Pomfrey," she told them. "Something feels off."
"You think this has to do with the flowers?" Marlene questioned and she nodded.
"Yeah, I've been seeing them more and more, I think—," she paused, wincing through a small laugh because she knew she was going to sound entirely mad, "I think they might be growing in me," she explained, but it came out like a question, and she tried to ignore the way the edges of her vision had begun to turn fuzzy and the way her head started to spin.
Peter had started to scoff, but Marlene was quick to swat him in the stomach. "I believe it," Lily chimed in. "The way your chest looked Y/N/N—" she shook her head softly, recalling what she'd seen in the bathroom earlier that morning. "Here, I'll come, too, yeah?" she offered and Y/N held one of her hands up.
"Oh, bloody hell, Y/L/N," James blurted, striking confusion in her. "Your hand."
Y/N furrowed her eyebrows. "My hand?" she questioned, before turning her hand around to face herself, and her breath caught in her throat. Her face fell completely when the entirety of her palm was covered in carnations. The purple fuzziness on the edges of her vision started to trickle into her line of site in spots, growing rapidly. Everything became increasingly distorted as her head swirled. "I don't— I'm not—" she couldn't bring herself to fathom a coherent though, all she could do was sort of stare at her hand agape, and before she could even register it, everything had gone black.
Lily brought her hands to her mouth in a gasp, shooting up from her chair when Y/N fell limp. "Pads—"
Sirius had shifted behind Y/N before Lily had even had the chance to speak, supporting the weight of her unconscious body with his own. He moved to slip one of his arms against the bend of her knees and lift her up into his arms. "I've got her," he assured her, before looking at Y/N. Her head was draped over his bicep, her hair hanging downwards behind her head, and her lips were parted. "I've got you, darling."
—
Golden light seeped in through the windows in the hospital wing, pooling in puddles of sunshine on the stone floors as the sun began to set. A pesky ray filtered in directly over Y/N's eyeball and she squinted against it in her sleep. As she was far too unconscious to be aware of her movements, the placement of the light went unchanged. A grumble of frustration was pushed from her lips and her eyelids fluttered open.
She lifted her eyebrows in surprise when she wasn't met with the familiar, homey decor of the room she shared in the Gryffindor Tower. Everything she set her eyes on was white or gray. Beds lined the walls on each side of the long room. Some were occupied, but most of them happened to be empty. She sat up in her bed carefully, quickly remembering the pain that throbbed in her chest and ached in her hands as she did. She was about to call for someone—Madam Pomfrey, probably, considering she thought she was the only other able body in the room—when she noticed the boy by her bedside.
Sirius.
Y/N almost gasped at the sight of him, but she refrained. Instead, she looked at him with a small smile. Sirius had pulled a chair up to the side of her bed—how long ago, she was unsure of—and he sat slumped down with his arms crossed over his chest. His head hung forward and his chest rose and fell with every sleeping breath that he took, and she fought a small laugh when a snore pushed its way out. The way his chest rose and fell so peacefully was mesmerizing, but she had a few questions, and she was almost certain he'd be able to answer them.
She reached over the side of the bed with some difficulty and she patted his knee. "Black," she whispered softly, but another snore was the only response she got. She smiled at that, but she patted his knee a little harder. "My darling Pads," she sing-songed teasingly, "it's time to wake up, pretty boy."
That seemed to have done the trick, as Sirius let out a groan, before throwing his arms out to the side in some sort of stretch. He tilted his head from side to side, cracking his neck, and when he was situated, a heart-melting smile pulled its way across his lips. "'Morning, my beautiful girl," he hummed with a small wink, and Y/N's eyes widened.
Color rushed to her cheeks and lit them on fire, and her mouth fell open. "You cocky bastard," she muttered, shaking her head at him softly, and moving to lean back against one of the fluffy pillows on her bed. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him through playfully squinted eyes, the hint of a smile on her lips.
"Me, cocky? Never," he joked, pulling his chair up closer to the edge of her bed, and he reached across the sheets to pluck one of her hands up off of her chest. The teasing expression on his face grew somewhat solemn as he flipped her hand over in his, exposing the patch of carnations. The petals seemed to wave up at him. "You're a right mess, you know that, Y/N?" he asked, peeking up at her, before he ran his thumb over the flowers. Her hand tickled as he did and she let out a hum, as if she was asking for clarification. "You know. Scared the piss out of me in the Great Hall this morning," he admitted, setting her hand down in her lap, but he left her fingers tucked into his own. "Lily was here earlier after it happened, and James and Remus around lunch, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do anything but sit here all day." He gave them a quick squeeze before he pulled his hand back towards himself.
The thought of Sirius being worried sick about her made whatever was in her chest tighten it's grasp on her, and she placed a hand over her sternum as if to still it. "You've been here all day?" she questioned softly, her eyes flickering over his facial features, and he nodded once.
He slid one of his hands up and down his thigh a few times before he let it rest in the middle. "I mean, I'd like to think we're close, so your well-being, by default, is important to me," he told her. "With the throwing up and the passing out, and the flowers, I've been worried about you." She pressed her fingertips on one of the wiry lumps stretching across her chest, and she could feel it slither under her fingertips when she recognized that his words were touching to her. "Plus, I've decided that I fucking hate flowers," he continued, almost teasing, but with just enough certainty that conveyed his seriousness.
Her stomach was swirling with nervousness and her heart was knocking against her chest. "Thank you, Pads," she said with a small smile, gliding one of hands over the sheets to reach out for one of his, as she felt too awful to extend herself any further. He seemed to understand and he took her hand in both of his with a small smile. "Has Madam Pomfrey said anything about this?" she asked him.
"Professor Sprout was called in earlier after Lily and I explained everything," Sirius said.
"And?"
"She said there's an old Japanese story about a disease called hanahaki. It takes root in the chest and lungs in people experiencing one-sided love," Sirius explained, "it develops over years, or months in extreme cases, and by the final stages the victim's are puking entire flowers."
Y/N's heart lurched and she could feel her expression fall at his words. This had all stemmed from their first study session, the first time the roots took hold in her lungs, and as her love as grown, and remained unrequited, this disease had only worsened. "Is there a cure?" She muttered, her voice quiet, but she had a feeling she could guess the answer, based on the fact that she was in the 'final stages'.
He smiled in a half-hearted attempt and he squeezed her hand. "Sprout said it's rare. She'd never seen it in person before you, but she said the only cure is for that person to express their love to you in return." His gaze shifted towards his lap.
She was going to die, wasn't she?
"What happens otherwise?" she asked.
Sirius had seemed more distraught now, tugging his nervous fingers through his dark hair. "Otherwise— I don't want to think about—," he paused, looking up from his lap and his expression was muddled with confusion and concern. "Is it James?" he practically blurted, his tone slightly harsh. He tightened his hold on her hand. "Is this because of him and Lily?" he questioned and she could see in his eyes the way that his mind was whirring.
"Sirius," Y/N hummed, bringing her other hand to close around his.
"Did you tell him?" he continued, his eyes furrowing together. "If he said something that hurt you and that's put you through all of this—"
"Sirius."
"Merlin, Y/N, I'll—," he paused, shaking his head. "Y/N/N, I'll kick his arse. Maybe not too bad 'cause I'm sure we'll have something planned that week, but—"
"Sirius, stop," she stressed finally. "Quit it, okay? It's not James. Don't even say that like you'd actually hurt him. He's your best friend, you idiot," she told him, although her voice betrayed her words. She was soft when speaking to him, but she was also in acceptance. She was going to die in a matter of weeks, if she even had that long, so what was the point in keeping her feelings a secret anymore? "It's you, you slug," she mumbled.
Sirius stilled for a moment, his eyes squinting on and off as he attempted to process her words. "What did you just say, darling?" he questioned, fingers beginning to tap her wrist as his hand was still sandwiched between both of hers.
Y/N shot him a look. "I said, it's you. I love you," she admitted. "Part of me always liked being around you before, but I never thought anything of it until we studied together. Ever since then, I haven't been able to breathe right or think straight or be around you without my lungs collapsing, I—"
"Me?" he cut her off, pulling his hand away and poking himself in the chest with one of his thumbs.
He stared at her with a dumbfounded expression and she blinked at him. "Were you listening to anything I just said?" she asked in disbelief and he laughed. "See, this is really unfortunate, Black," she said, crossing her hands over her chest again and taking a deep breath. "I'm still a bit in shock that I'm apparently so in love with you that it's literally killing me, and you're—"
A cocky smile spread across his face like butter. "Now, now, darling, this is quite a development," he explained, holding his hand up and pressing it down in a slow, gentle 'calm-down' sort of motion.
She narrowed her eyes. "Development how?"
He folded his hands in his lap, fingers clasped together, and he tilted his head at her like a puppy. "Because, I'd say today's become your lucky day," he hummed, that stupid smile still evident on his lips, and cute as it was, she really wanted to smack it off right then.
"Lucky?" She repeated. "I just found out I'm literally going to die in who knows how long because of your dumb arse, and you want to call it lucky?"
"Oi, beautiful, settle down, maybe, so I can figure out what I'm supposed to say here."
Settle down?
Settle down?
Y/N was about to lose her mind, and maybe she'd even be cured after she strangled him to death, but before her fuse could blow, there was a blur of black, a dip in the bed, two hands cupping her cheeks, and a warm mouth smashing against her own. A gasp pushed its way out of her lips and it took her a moment to realize that Sirius Black was bloody kissing her. His lips disconnected from her own for a split second, his dark eyes peering into her own, and he opened his mouth to speak. "Darling, I—"
She gave him no time to finish.
Instead, she grabbed two fistfuls of his white, button-down shirt and pulled his mouth back against her own, pouring months and months of pining and drooling over him into one singular moment. His mouth melded against hers like their lips were never meant to part and the tips of his fingers were pushed back into her hair. One of his hands traveled to the nape of her neck to support her head, before his lips broke from hers again and peppered kisses over her face.
"I love you, Y/N," he whispered breathlessly, kissing over her cheeks and her nice. "I love you, I love you, I love you." He kissed her between each one and when he was satisfied with the surface he'd covered, he pulled away, and his eyes met her own. His eyes were glistening with emotion that seemed so familiar to her in his gaze, but she'd never recognized it as adoration until that moment. "And you're bloody stupid, because I've been set on you since I switched the names on your paper with Pettigrew's in Transfiguration last year."
Y/N's head was still reeling from the kiss, but her lips parted in surprise at his confession. "You what?" she sputtered through a laugh. "You're the one who's bloody stupid," she managed while she giggled.
As a chuckle bubbled out of his Sirius' mouth and Y/N tried—not very hard at all—to shove him off of the bed, the roots in her chest finally began to recede.
↴
a/n / two years and i finally finished a fucking imagine! yay :)
“There is a bit of a luxury to experiencing this amount of exposure not as a young man,” he said. “Because at this point, whether I like it or not, for better or worse…I am who I am.” - Pedro Pascal
