How to help someone get out of a harmful group (like a cult or conspiracist community)
First, you must understand that you can’t convince someone of anything if they don’t trust you. If they already trust you and respect your opinions, you have a pretty good advantage already. If they don’t trust you and don’t respect your opinions, then you need to evaluate whether it’s likely you can build trust with them.
Someone like a parent who always puts your thoughts down because you’re supposedly not old enough to know anything is not likely to trust you, and it’s unlikely you’ll be able to reach them. Maybe someone else they actually respect could convince them, but you probably aren’t going to get anywhere with them. If it’s possible, your best chance might be to talk to someone this person actually does respect.
Basically, if somebody treats you with contempt because they think you’re beneath them, you probably can’t change their mind, and there is probably very little you can do without getting help from someone else.
If this isn’t the situation, then you need to work on building trust. This is why a lot of articles with advice for helping people out of cults instruct people to be available and being willing to listen without passing judgment. You need to be a safe person.
Now of course, being safe doesn’t mean that you just agree with everything they say. But it does mean that you don’t try to lecture or talk down to them, or try to spring gotchas on them, or try to lay on shame and guilt. Basically, you must always try to avoid showing contempt. And I know that might be challenging sometimes, but if you’re going to get anywhere then it’s what you must do.
Building trust also includes just hanging out and talking about normal, non-controversial stuff. You can try and discuss things that you both like and care about. Do you have a fandom in common? Do you both like crochet? Do you both like cats? Do you both care about the environment? Focus on topics that you share interests in.
You can also guide them toward activities that aren’t related to their group, like fun media, volunteer work, hiking, anything. If it’s possible and appropriate, invite them to do things with you.
Be emotionally available and supportive where you can. Harmful groups are usually highly toxic, and if you can be a safe person they can vent to and validate them when they feel like they’re being mistreated or feel like something in the group isn’t right, this can be very helpful in getting them out of it.
Offer any other kind of support you can – money, a hug, baked goods, whatever. Show them that you care about them and their wellbeing.
You must also be mindful that harmful groups often teach people that their critics are not to be trusted, and if your friends or family criticize them then they are bad people and must be cut off. They will usually also have canned responses to common criticisms. The techniques don’t work? It’s just people who didn’t try them or didn’t try hard enough who are saying that. Abuse allegations? The accuser was just trying to smear the group. Furthermore, people often believe that even when harm does happen, the good the group is doing outweighs the harm. If you try and bring up bad things the group they’re in has done before they’ve started to realize that it’s bad on their own, you’re going to make them feel attacked, which loses you your safe person cred.
You also shouldn’t bring up facts and logic unless they’re in a frame of mind to entertain that kind of thing. Many people make the mistake of thinking that they can just pelt people with facts and logic whenever and have it change their minds. The trouble is that many people get into harmful groups for emotional reasons rather than logical ones. They are also often capable of creating counter-rationalizations, if the group hasn’t already provided them. The time for facts and logic is when your person is open and willing to listen to new ideas and different ways of thinking.
One thing that is useful is to research the group to get a sense of what kinds of needs it claims it can fulfill. Harmful groups often promise people a way out of their problems by claiming they can help them meet their material or psychological needs, teach them personal empowerment or build their self-esteem, give them community or purpose, or help them find healing. Try and figure out what your person wants or needs, and try to encourage them toward healthier ways of getting it. For example, if they suffer from poor self-image, you can try and direct them toward resources that will help them build a positive self-image in healthy ways.
(Also, it’s easier to think critically and avoid cultish or extremist thinking when you’re not under a bunch of stress, so helping them meet their needs and feel security in healthy ways is also empowering them to think better!)
Researching the group and its teachings is also useful because if your person uses its language, you’ll know what they’re talking about and you will be able to have meaningful conversations about it. When your person trusts you and feels that you are safe, you can ask critical questions (here are some examples) about the group, its practices, and its beliefs to prompt them to think. You don’t want to be too pushy and make them feel like they’re being grilled or interrogated, or make them feel like you’re forcing them to defend their beliefs. You need to come across as sincerely thoughtful and respectful.
At some point you might feel tempted to say something like “they don’t care about you” or “they’re just manipulating you.” Don’t do this. For one, it’s literally manipulative behavior itself. For another, many people in harmful groups do care about each other. Even the leaders might genuinely care, even if the ways they try to take care of people are harmful. It’s more useful to help your person come to recognize that that someone can truly care about you, and have harmful beliefs or unhealed trauma that make it hard for them to care for you in a healthy way.
In fact, helping your person recognize that two (or more!) things can be true at once can be a very useful approach overall. Harmful groups tend to hold a lot of binaries as truth, and by showing your person that the real world doesn’t really operate according to binaries will help them realize that the group’s beliefs don’t really make sense.
You might also recommend media that can help them broaden their understanding of things and maybe correct some of the misinformation they’ve been exposed to. I don’t necessarily mean media that directly debunks their beliefs (that kind of thing can backfire), but media that talks about things that don’t totally line up with their beliefs. For example, if they have a comprehension of Native American culture that comes from white New Agers, you might recommend a book like Braiding Sweetgrass. If they trust and respect you, your endorsement of a book or a video can carry a lot of weight.
It also helps to be aware of who and what they’ve been taught to distrust. High control groups and conspiracist communities often teach people that information from certain people or groups cannot be trusted. If they have been taught that “mainstream science” is controlled by a conspiracy, sending them a scientific paper or even a science news article might not be of much use. You’ll probably have to work on helping them see that their distrust is unfounded.
Personal anecdotes might also help chip away at the beliefs your person has adopted. Like if they have bigoted or incorrect beliefs about a certain type of people, you might tell them about your own experience with this kind of person. For example, if they claim that academics just believe what they’re told and toe the party line, you can tell them about your academic friend or an academic you follow online who isn’t like that. If they believe anti-vax conspiracy theories, you can mention that you know lots of people who got vaccinated, and nothing bad happened to them.
Also, you should make sure you’re up on critical thinking and research skills yourself! You can start by checking out:
A Beginner’s Guide to Information Literacy
Critical Thinking Skills: Definitions, Examples, and How to Improve Them
11 Characteristics of Pseudoscience
Six Ways To Debunk Any Conspiracy Theory
Finally, make sure that you take care of yourself. Helping people out of harmful groups and belief systems is often a slow process, and it can be physically and mentally draining. Make sure you set boundaries for yourself – if interacting with this person causes you serious stress, then take time to focus on yourself. Also remember that this is not work that you are absolutely obligated to do, and there is no shame in admitting that it’s too much for you. Also know that you can do everything right, and it may not work out because people will sometimes choose to cling to harmful things for one reason or another.
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