⸝⸝ Noli 🎭

Alter in a system , 21 ! | Accidental host | NSFW + VENT POSTS ! MDNI

[voidedsanctuary]

hi. temporary intro.

college Noli introject, 21, accidentally became the host oops

autistic + paranoid schizophrenic with BPD iwc

freak polyamorous homosexual with unsure other labels

might share this acc with a few other headmates or theyll cameo but its 99% mine

i love my friends and SpongeBob and pancakes and uhhhhhhhh nyan cat and being joyous and whimsical

basic dni, minors, ableists and endos dni, idk dont be problematic

fairly nsfw blog!! whether its venting or me being horny on main

i get nervous easily so be wary when interacting pls

also i won't be reblogging and interacting with ONLY source as my partners and friends are all from different sources so i def will be interacting with them + their sources

[voidedsanctuary]

tonights been rough because of something i brought upon myself

all i ask from the people i love, and who love me, is be patient with me.

please don't give up on us, on me.

[voidedsanctuary]

all I've ever known is hurt, and negativity

im sorry to the ones trying to reassure me, incase you feel like its not working or maybe your efforts are going unappreciated, i promise you they're not

im sorry i feel like its taking me forever to accept it

im sorry for apologizing

lately its just starting to hit us, me, how badly all of that traumatized us. 4 1/2 ish years of that.

nearly a fourth of the entirety of our time on earth.

paired with literally everything else to ever happen in those 21 years.

im sorry if im ever too much with my sadness.

[voidedsanctuary]

If somehow you ever see this,

you fucking ruined me. all of us.

Fuck you. Go to hell.

[voidedsanctuary]

// Major CW , serious vent - sexual and mental health related

I genuinely do not wish the type of post nut clarity I suffer from on anyone.

This is fucking horrible.

This is not a "haha funny" like oh no I get sad after I finish, no I genuinely get fucking suicidal sometimes because I realize how disgusting I'm being and how awful I feel with the names that may leave my mouth, especially when I'm solo, and I'm always solo. I hate myself more than anyone could have ever possibly hated me and most of it is because of this.

I, Noli, am fucking disgusting. It makes me devalue myself heavily. I feel inhuman and undeserving because I've done something so disgusting and perverted with nobody around.

I'm paranoid I'm pushing away the people/person I end up having feelings for, simply because I'm being too much. I don't even want sex half the time I think I'm just fucking fawning accidentally because oh my god the only two people I've ever had a relationship with didn't actually love me in any regard. I want to be held, I want to be valued. I want to be something more than.. just, whatever. I love the attention, I'm just afraid of it because I've genuinely never had it before and I'm freaking out because what if I fuck it up. I want to give love I want to be someone's source of affection because they know I mean it, and they know I'm not doing it for myself.

What if me being jaded towards romance and affection makes me fuck it up and push them away? What if I lose everything again because no matter what I do I can't fucking convince myself I'm capable of being loved? Everything I do for the people I care about is genuine, every word, every gift. I'm so afraid people don't think I'm being genuine, that its shallow. I'm afraid of it being the other way around. I was LIED TO by my ex. I have no sense of security.

I'm fucking stupid. I know deep down I deserve the attention I'm getting, but there's too much up here on the surface that I don't deserve it.

This might be PNC mixed with a BPD episode, if I'm being honest. I'm scared of how I feel and I'm scared of how others feel, I'm scared of it just

not being real.

Like one day, one more time

I'm gonna wake up

and it's all gone again.

Why can't I love like normal people do?

[voidedsanctuary]

I'm fucking disgusting and i deserve nothing im sorry

[voidedsanctuary]

Noli is a dork and i love him /strictlyp

- 007n7

[voidedsanctuary]

ml, my love, my sweet boy, my darling

put "my" infront if it, ill be yours

and ill do it in return

[voidedsanctuary]

traumatized us so bad i had a mild anxiety response when i won a 1v1 with a friend because i thought theyd get mad

normal people dont get mad at you for winning

good friends dont do that either

lol

[voidedsanctuary]

hes not safe from me

/dir /vagueonpurpose

[voidedsanctuary]

jacking off with the bedroom light on was terrifying but i had to i let the demons win

felt like i was in fnaf

[t1me2danc3]

Even worse when you can hear people outside the room

[voidedsanctuary]

even worse because its midday and you KNOW our family doesn't knock

[claim2fame]

even worse when you’re loud as hell

[voidedsanctuary]

GIRL?? thats why you gotta learn how to muffle itttt what who said that

[voidedsanctuary]

jacking off with the bedroom light on was terrifying but i had to i let the demons win

felt like i was in fnaf

[t1me2danc3]

Even worse when you can hear people outside the room

[voidedsanctuary]

even worse because its midday and you KNOW our family doesn't knock

[voidedsanctuary]

jacking off with the bedroom light on was terrifying but i had to i let the demons win

felt like i was in fnaf

[voidedsanctuary]

Bad Things happen.

But everything always gets better in the end. Somehow, someway.

Just have to keep going.

- 🪴

[voidedsanctuary]

CW // (Mostly) Vent + Freakpost it went on longer than I thought it would i had too much to say

I think the emotional neglect from my ex 'wife' genuinely made me like, horrible with intimacy. im never really vulnerable about this topic because of how much i hate talking about her usually, but at some point sooner or later people would get told.

i was never truly paid attention to, i was never truly wanted, i was seen as inconvenient. i had no right to beg for that sort of attention from her, and i never did, but at some point it felt like my relationship was just a label and nothing actually serious. my entire relationship felt like a facade. she never actually loved me.

all i want is to be told im good, i want praise, i want sexual attention, i want everything, but this comes with a side of "im actively seeking this from multiple people and something deep down makes me feel guilty and i dont deserve any of the attention im getting"

i think it just comes from a place of "tell me you love me too", even if you dont mean it and its superficial

i just want to be everyone's something. but wanting that feels wrong. im too affectionate, im too greedy, desperate even

also something something i have the worlds worst post nut clarity and i cry like, every single time i have yet to escape this I don't think thats fixable

and dont get me wrong i am treated very well by everyone in our life now, i just fear ill forever think i don't deserve it because of how i was treated

maybe i should've left this one in the drafts i might delete this at some point

i just want to be a pet

atleast one thats pretty well taken care of

[voidedsanctuary]

// Actual freakposting.¿¿¿ underneath

???? jesus fuck where do i even start do whatever you want to me just be nice and take care of me after ohmygod just call me your kitty call me your good boy do anyth ing and everything, mark me every which place you can reach i dont want to be able to function afterwards ohmygod

just be nice to me when youre done

god fuck i need to be held i need to be pet and called every name under the sun i need

I NEED TO STOP LMAO

[voidedsanctuary]

you should freak post -🎤🃏

i need to be treated in ways i cannot say out loud man im gonna get got

im gonna get got so good ouhhh

why am i tagging this