VoldyisOldy

We're ghosts of all the people we've ever been.

[voldyisoldy]

yield or repeat?

no time to wonder but all of it lost yet this is what you have a moment now how do you become a better person when your tears are sterile with memory and your knees bleed with questions ? a fitful rage and silent resentment will be the end of us the white lie smiles saying "of course I'm fine" that was the end of us you dug deeper to find a grave that birthed you and I left you at the pyre I didn't want to burn on that was the end of us I hear you now in the music box that sprouts mould I read you in the books you abandoned on the nightstand and I feel you fade in those letters left unsigned this is the end of us yet it is all we have a moment now do we yield or repeat?

[voldyisoldy]

Today there's nothing to mourn

Nothing I miss

For there is nothing I love today

A man who has nothing to lose is a prisoner to a gaping bleakness left by a wistful spring

forever pining for something to find faith for.

[voldyisoldy]

warplanes and home-cooked meals

I water the plants and the ceiling rumbles. Father reads the paper, sipping his tea and says a little too loudly, “ah!The neighbours running after the baby again” for the seventeenth time this week.

“What would you like for breakfast?”, mother asks over distant thunders 

And I tell her that we’re out of bread.

Sit in the dark, curtains drawn,

Headlines that can’t be heard over thumping hearts and fearing that the ceiling might collapse anytime now , mother mumbles something either cursing the neighbours or citing a prayer.

I can’t tell. I’m too distracted by my growling gut.

Its never quiet in this house.

A white screen that’s scrutinised by glaring eyes all day, dims out. Mother walks over to the kitchen and brings out stale meat and yesterday’s leftovers. Father lays out the table and we eat, never in a hush

Because I crack my tooth on ceiling debris.

I do the dishes and watch lights soar in the night sky out the window while mother sets the mattress under the dining table, murmuring still.

It’s never quiet in this house. If silence is peace, then 

Peace came with a lethal roar and the gleam of a thousand suns.

[voldyisoldy]

never enough, always more

I wish you were taller

Only if you didn't have that scar on your forehead

What did you do to your hair?

It doesn't look right

Why don't you eat well?

You're devoid and you hate to walk

How could you lose that?

Heedless scatterbrain

Seething like your father

You're indifferent and insolent

Always forgetful

And an absentee

Why don't you mourn me?

Or feed me?

Or watch me take my pills?

I wish you loved me more

Only if you cared as much

I wish you were enough.

[voldyisoldy]

of remorse

I'm petrified

I'm so afraid

I fear the angel at my window will devour me if I don't apologise to it

I can't repent for the debts that aren't mine to pay

I know they aren't mine

I think I know

I'm not sure

I don't want to take the burn of it

But I have to, don't I?

I let the angel in

I let it sleep beside me and I feel it breathe heavily down every crevice of my neck

I think I hate it

I'm not sure

Not anymore

I plant a kiss on its head and head out for a smoke.

[voldyisoldy]

how to write when you're rotten

You chisel it on your chest

And bury it in the sky

You write it down on that curved part of your ankle

And perhaps carve it on your spine

Trace it on the underside of your tongue where teeth sometimes collide

Never write it on paper but dig it in your bones

The words are not in your larynx but entombed in your lungs

Exhaled, inhaled

washed away from your brain as the storm washes away all your sins

they pool in your empty gut

weigh you down through the concrete

until you forget

then you levitate in oblivion

always

always blissful in ignorance.

[voldyisoldy]

before i grieve

You were eight

When you realised the reek of blood was that of a song

and the weather the day you scraped your knee

I taste you in blood and overcast now

I fail to cry the tears you cried or embrace the sordidity like you did

All you ever will be is a whisper of antiseptic in the air

Reminding me to keep holding and holding on

to something that was always lost

As I lost you on the way

You wander somedays like that annoying fly hovering over the dead puppy in my dreams

I do nothing but move on and call you a brat

Over

and over

You were always the one with a heavy heart and no place to go

There's that same song in my head on repeat.

[voldyisoldy]

a wish a promise

All your life you've been told to be content in hopes to shape something magnanimous

but once you aquire a taste for something more

more than your errs

more abundant than what you starve for

(everything human)

all you can do is Pick your lashes

and wish

till your eyes bleed

Catch a ladybird

and wish

till you smother it in a locked jar

Disseminate broken bones

and wish

as the food goes cold

Run out of pennies

and wish

as the well brims with the stench of metal

Strip the land of clovers

and wish

as you render it a desert

Watch as the sky goes devoid of every falling star

and wish.

[voldyisoldy]

[voldyisoldy]

[voldyisoldy]

[voldyisoldy]

[voldyisoldy]

no thoughts, head empty

abandoned desires and etched cross on eyeballs

feel not what is felt and love not what is hoped

eat up the muck that you bury yourself in

because the glow of the dying ember in your living room

could never be your salvation

drained enough to not scream but wait

keep waiting on the bathroom floor

for the sun of infancy to set

on your dreams

as the music sings in your head

whilst a crimson touch bathes you in inevitability

or a kaleidoscopic mist drowns your senses

you call yourself a "stellar mass" of sleeping blaze and infinitude explosions

you'll carve out your core to find a sign of renascence

only to be met with a boneyard of empty graves

[voldyisoldy]

we rain

you lament of grief

I tell you its your home

you say you're tired

when its the bed you rest upon, the kitchen where you cook, the bathroom where you shower, the plastic table where you eat, the couch where you rot

you're afraid to let go even though it holds a knife to your throat

slashing away, gradually , agonisingly

you discreetly enjoy every second of it

it inevitably slits your neck

and every wish of yours is fulfilled

dying, safe , with a roof over your head

but always, always afraid

to never be mourned

don't be oblivious

I'll mourn you

I will be the breeze that makes the wind chimes in your home sing and then I'll blow past them until its time for me to come around again

but I'll never stay .

[voldyisoldy]

Your higher power

Lump of cold air , with every breath you hear it sing the song of offering you the universe 

The bells ring as it toils through the song 

The song of silence, 

The song of wiping the dust off its wings with your scarf 

Its pain , the hunger you appease 

Cursing its name in vain

You go down on your knees 

With dry eyes, cold hands , a pest seething in flames

Never do you morph into a flower when you lie in a grave 

Thats your retribution for accepting it 

Your taste vividly forgotten by the wolves

Frozen, thawed when it rains

You never see it when the sun does down

You don’t feel it in the quietness of the wind before a thunderstorm

Its never in the aroma of rained down soil

It never hugs you in the colours of dewy mornings 

When you relinquish it 

It flies off 

Singing the song to your children to claim them

Leaving you wondering if you ever were the pest

[voldyisoldy]

Someone must write

everybody talks of September

pumpkin spiced lattes , cinnamon rolls, maple leaves, honey

unrequited love, a lost lover , an unrelenting father

livid rain, evergreen trees

a rocking chair on the porch , bides its time

for unwavering frost, bleak woods

when the sky can plant a kiss on your forehead

I sit on the chair and rest my eyes

for I am unable to write of September

or December for that matter

[voldyisoldy]

preemption

I'm the cancer in your bones , metastasising

when you etch your name across my chest

I try to stitch up the wounds

I can't offer you the stars

yet you're the noose I hang from

sever my fingers so I don't wrap my hands around your neck

dismantle me so I don't taint your blood

I'm your horror , your misery, always on the cusp of drifting back to my crib

where I lie and wait for a ghost to sing me a lullaby

walk away now before I scatter your ashes in the mountains where I belong

close your eyes and feel me dissipate , I only wish to exempt you

when my tongue has never been bruised with those three words