āI want to lick his abs. I want to bite his shoulders. I want to devour his bones āā
āYouāre a freak,ā said Hunk absentmindedly, with the grace of someone who had heard this type of shit on a regular basis.
āCanāt you just say youāre horny for him like a normal person?ā Pidge added, equally as unbothered.
āNo, neither of you understand,ā Lance insisted. āI donāt just want to sleep with him or whatever. I want to, like, absorb him. Like an angler fish.ā
Pidge and Hunk side-eyed each other, then looked back at their project, shaking their heads. They had been hearing this shit for days. Ever since Keith came from the weirdo space whale time dilation mission with seven extra inches of height and a helluva lot of new muscle mass, Lance no longer had the decency to keep his thirst to himself. Not that he really did that before, but still. Damn.
Before, he said semi-normal horny things. Each one of the following conversations is an entirely honest, completely verbatim transcript of the pain Pidge and Hunk have endured:
āUgh, heās so annoying. I canāt believe Iām going to suck his dick.ā
āI mean, you donāt have to do that. Thatās an option. You could not do that.ā
āFuck, do you think he knows he looks hot when he yells at me? I want him to give me fifteen new insecurities.ā
āYou have psychiatric problems. Iāve never heard anyone this down bad before.ā
āNo, no, this is normal. Iām just a bottom.ā
āGod, I could watch him train for years.ā
āI think itās a worse sin to use the Lordās name in vain when youāre melting into a puddle of lusty goo.ā
But now that Keith could benchpress Lance with ease and practically towered above him, Lance was downright lascivious. The other day, Lance had been getting on Keithās last nerve (as he is wont to do), but Keith decided to growl at him instead of yelling, and Lance honest-to-God squeaked. Like a mouse. It was humiliating for everyone involved. Honestly, if they thought it would solve their problems, Hunk and Pidge would have locked the two in a closet and let them knock out the tension the day Keith came back from the mission. Unfortunately, both of them are relatively certain that as painful as this sexually tense bullshit is, it would be five million times worse if they actually started sleeping together. Then, Lance might start telling them about it. In detail.
Yeah, no. Theyāre just gonna let Lance blueball himself until he cracks, or Keith does, and then Pidge is going to invent earbuds that filter out any possible noise so neither of them has to hear this shit ever again. For now, the two of them will be content with recording this to humiliate Lance when heās a properly mature adult who pays taxes and shit. No meddling necessary.
āShiro. Shiro. Shiro. Are you listening. Shiro.ā
āFuck, Keith, what. What do you want.ā
āShiro I want to crack him open and scramble him like an egg.ā
ā⦠You know, back in my day, when we found someone attractive we said, āshit, theyāre hot. I want to sleep with them.ā Why is your generation so weird?ā