Wandering Mind

A place where a lost and confused being like me can express all of the unsaid thoughts and feelings I have.

[vonofdutch]

I hate what I’ve become.

I hate how easily annoyed I get.

I hate how I want someone to love me even though I can’t even love myself.

I hate craving for something I know I’ll never have.

I hate being jealous over others for being happy.

I hate remembering all my mistakes and failures.

I hate being compared to other people.

I hate convincing myself that I’m fine when I’m not.

I hate staying up all night drowning in my own mind.

I hate not being able to express how I really feel.

I hate how lost I am.

I hate how hopeless I am.

I hate how I can’t see myself having a bright future.

I hate not being able to see the meaning in life anymore.

I hate that I’m slowly but surely giving up.

I hate myself...

[vonofdutch]

I want to love again...

I want to fall in love with someone again. I want to experience that feeling where you become happy just by seeing that person. Seeing him smile, hearing his voice... the way he’ll say my name and I’ll just feel all fluffy inside. I want to feel shy whenever he’s talking to me. Where I’ll have to avert my eyes just so I could avoid eye contact cause I’ll get scared that he’ll see through my eyes and figure out how much I like him, how much I yearn for him to be mine. I want to stare at him secretly and hoping he’ll look at me too. And if he ever finds me staring, he’ll stare right back and smile at me. I want to feel all jealous again. Be it trivial or stupid things. Then he will notice and will make fun of me. Telling me how stupid it is to feel that way and will re-assure me that there’s only me in his eyes. I want those late night talks with him. Whatever topics we can have. I want to know everything there is to know about him. His favorite music, color, food. He would listen to all my rants just as I will listen to his.

I want him to hold my hands, in public or in private, it doesn’t matter. I want to have those intimate moments with him. Where he’ll hug me tight, kiss me softly and passionately to the point where he doesn’t want to let go as much as I do. I wish I could fall in love again and hoping that this time, it’ll be mutual. I wish I could find someone... someone who could love me back. Someone who will accept me for who I am, with all my flaws and imperfections. Someone who sees me as the real me.

[lucid-trickery]

I dream of a day When “coming out of the closet” Isn’t even a thing anymore. When “straight” is just a direction, “Gay” just means cheery, And “bisexual” Isn’t even a word anymore. When people look at someone And see a human, Instead of a stigmatized word Defining that person’s way Of loving other people. I dream of a day When a man Can hold another man’s hand, Without the people around them Whispering “Oh my god, is he gay?” When a girl can kiss another girl Without being called sluts Or attention whores Or “barsexuals.” I dream of a day When love is simply that, LOVE. Not something political, Or religious, or controversial, But just something beautiful Between two beautiful Human hearts… -Lizz Baughn

(via lucid-trickery)

[vonofdutch]

We all need someone who'll support us no matter what...

I have friends, my family... yet somehow I never really received the support that I needed.

[vonofdutch]

Same old

Hey so.... Things aren’t going so well.

I thought everything would be fine as long as I have a plan. Turns out I was wrong. Again. Whatever I do, the result is still the same. I’m starting to think that this is all worthless. I’m worthless. I’m pretty weak. I get discouraged easily. I may look optimistic, but my head is full of pessimistic thoughts. Maybe it’s just my personality, yet I just can’t see myself getting through all of this right now.  Searching for something that even I don’t know is just... it’s cruel. I wish I could apply the things I’ve said to my friends. But that’s the thing when you’re the one who gives advice. You can’t apply them to yourself.  I keep on struggling... But is it worth it? Am I worth it? Is it for the best if I kept trying? Or is it better to just give up? I hate this domino life where one problem falls onto me and another one follows. It’s a never ending cycle. Maybe God has forsaken me... for all the sins that I’ve made. Maybe this is my punishment. To be lost forever. Never finding the answers that I seek. I want to believe that he has greater plans for me. 

I want to hold onto that. But right now it’s just too much. I’ve always been waiting. Maybe I’m just impatient? I don’t know. One thing I’m sure about? I’m tired of everything.

[vonofdutch]

I miss that particular feeling when being in love...

Maybe it’s him I’m really missing. I hope I’m wrong...

[vonofdutch]

2019

So... Never thought I’d post here again. But well I just thought it’s such a waste to let my blog just die right? Haha so here I am.

So much had actually happened during 2018. And lets just say its one of the worst years I’ve had. (Will talk about it in a different post... probably hehe)

But my 2019 isn’t actually off to a good start. It’s not bad but also not great. It’s right around the boundary to be exact. And walking a very thin line leaning towards the ‘not so great’ place.

This year is gonna be about me. I’m going to claim it now. Haha well I have 11 months to work about it. I hope this will be a year full of love and no regrets for my part. There will be struggles, I know... but here’s to facing them head on haha

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[vonofdutch]

Well, I failed. In many ways one couldn’t even imagine. Everything is so fucked up to the point where waking up actually hurts. I’ve managed to disappoint not just everyone... But myself as well.

[vonofdutch]

Why...

You know, I’m really really trying. But I don’t know. Everything is just so messed up. My life is messed up.

I don’t have a place in this world. My home doesn’t feel home. My parents are fucking bullshit. A foolish and disgusting idea to even call them that. Now they think I’m turning into this monster just for telling what I feel. Oh and take note that one of them wanted to kill me. Haha oh I wouldn’t stop you sweetie. In fact I’d be glad! I won’t have to deal with this stupid life! I also think it would make for a great story! Parents killed their own son simply because they couldn’t handle his honesty. Because expressing how you feel is not allowed in the family. Yeah they know it all. They’re parents! They know what’s fucking best for me. Fuck you. You don’t even know me. I should’ve endured my previous work so that I could save enough and move out of this forsaken place. It’s suffocating.

I don’t have the guts to kill myself, sadly I don’t. And yes I am afraid to die, but I honestly give up on living either. It’s pointless. For someone worthless like me. Too bad life doesn’t give second chances. Or at least a reset button. Or better yet, have the option to choose which family you’ll belong to. Cause I wouldn’t choose the one I have now. My sister is the only exception. For now I guess.

[vonofdutch]

July 06, 2018

A very memorable day. Unforgettable. A memory I’ll treasure.  I got to sing with him. The person I love so much. The person I care for.  But there were times where he tells jokes... somehow I felt that they were aimed at me. But it didn’t matter. It hurt a lot but in the end, he’s right. We’re just not meant for each other. I’ve got to remember that. Maybe it’s his own way of reminding me. 

[vonofdutch]

Do I truly believe that there is someone out there... who’s meant for me?

The answer is no. I don’t. Not to be bitter and all but, it sounds silly. As much as I want to... In fact there was a time that I was hoping for it. I even wished for it every single night. I wanted it to be you... And it hurt so bad when I realized that will never be the case. 

I’m not closing the door. I mean I’m still open to possibilities. But I’m not really expecting someone to enter anymore. I tried letting someone in once, but he didn’t enter. He just opened it and realize it wasn’t the door he was looking for. Too bad, I could’ve welcomed him wholeheartedly...

[deitydoq]

Love, Simon (2018) perfectly displays the difference between a manipulative public proposal and a sweet grand romantic gesture in the best way possible. Martin, when trying to ask a girl out, publicly humiliates her by pressuring her to say yes to him in front of a huge crowd of people and putting her in the spotlight, making her visibly uncomfortable. When Simon makes the gesture to Blue, it gives “Blue” the opportunity to back out and not show his face, therefore making Simon the only subject of ridicule if the situation goes wrong, showing his dedication and his love for Blue in that he is willing to undergo EVEN MORE humiliation to find him. This, among other parts of the movie, clearly outlines the fact that homosexual people have perfected romance to a degree that straight people have not found. In this essay I will -

[gaysbashback]

op where’s the rest of it

[ugh2-0-deactivated20180606]

the straights kidnapped him because he was onto their secrets

[deitydoq]

I’m still here bitch the straights can’t silence me

[ugh2-0-deactivated20180606]

then finish your essay, or you fail this class

[vonofdutch]

I actually had a lot of ‘near death’ situations. And sometimes I ask myself, “Why didn’t I just died back then?”

Before you think that I’m an ungrateful person for not cherishing my life more, let me just explain to you that my life simply has NO significance whatsoever. I’m 100% sure that I’m pretty much worthless. I even think of myself as a horrible person. Yes. I’m actually a very bad person. 

I’ve done many things that can be considered as a ‘one way ticket’ to hell. And even if I did have some good in me, the bad ones would always stand out among the rest. My whole existence is a big fat joke (double meaning yes.) 

Oh and me being Gay doesn’t really help at all. Because just realizing this makes me think if someone out there is really meant for me. I mean seriously right? I’m not stupid or dumb enough to believe that someday I’ll find my prince charming. (Ugh cringe). I did fall in love. It was very magical as some of them might say. But I guess I’m just a side character who most like doesn’t deserve a happy ending.

And just to make things clear? I don’t want to take  a risk on another straight guy cause believe me, that shit fucked me up. (Even now I’m still fucked up)

Me being a compulsive liar is also something to point out. But in my defense. I lie to protect myself. It’s the only way for me to hide my feelings. I couldn’t even be honest with myself. Pathetic right? yeah i know. And to be fair, No one really listens to me. People find lies more interesting than the truth itself anyway. 

I also judge people. Yes and I find it very fun. It feels good to have someone to ridicule. Or someone beneath you. Yeah what an asshole right? Haha 

Okay. Sooo I kinda forgot what I’m suppose to add to this post but the point is... I’m trash and I don’t really deserve any of the luxury that I have. And sometimes I think dying is the only option that I have. I’m lonely and upset about a lot of things but I just can’t share or tell anyone about it. I’m afraid of telling others because well, chances are, they pretty much wouldn’t care. They have their own problems to deal with. And I don’t want to push mine into them. Even I can’t deal with this... Ugh 

[vonofdutch]

I hope someday...

I could talk to you normally, without trying so hard to come up with something to say

I could look at you normally, without wanting you to look at me with the same feelings I had for you.

I could smile and laugh with you normally, without feeling happy and satisfied.

I could say I’m happy for you, for finding your special someone. Without getting hurt.

[closedforgoodbyelol]

[vonofdutch]

You know... All I ever wanted was for you to love me. But that’s a very selfish wish on my part. You can’t force love onto someone especially if they don’t really see your worth. 

It’s not your fault... nor mine. But I won’t say we’re both completely innocent. You made me feel something. And I held on to that ‘something’. 

Despite that, I still love you. Wholeheartedly and honestly. I feel like you’re the only person I’ll love this much. And the only person who could hurt me this much.