The irony of my so called fan life us yes, I met movie stars and celebrities. I met fairly famous people in pretty amazing places. I was on tv a few times, on radio, and performed on stage.
But I made ZERO impression. I was too awkward and I couldn't ask leading questions or draw them into to be interested in me.
Because I watched their microexpresions and within 3 seconds shame just filled my body. No reaction or welcome smile of understanding that this massive woman has been waiting for months to meet them.
And you think it was in busy times? No, not at all.
Since 2020 I have not had a best friend or found a con buddy or had a date.
I have been in the thick of it and I honestly feel offensive for being in public whether I am dresses weird, cosplay, or like a crumbum.
If only they knew.
The time I was DYING in the green room to talk to other cosplayers and introduce my niece. Matt Mercer was right there. Inches away. Course it was 2019 and Critical Role wasn't world famous
I was in a room with LGTBQIA developers and I deeply wanted to talk about content. My former guild leader was C.Golden (she was not there) and I wanted to connect. I said this - nothing. Just a smile from the developer rep from Blizzard.
I was in proximity to the entire cast and crew of "Killers of the Flower Moon" for 12 months and I chose not to bother Lily Gladstones in line at Dollar General. But I did warn J.Plemmons he had bench warrant in Osage County for a speeding ticket
I met Mistress Midori, someone who I really needed to chat with, in a workshop in Tulsa. They served her Little Caesars pizza. I wanted to ask her to a real restaurant with white tablecloth service. But I just looked ugly like the rest of them.
I remember it took me 15 years to stop cringing when I saw someone who looked like me take the stage. We are inevitable in my field because of trauma and metabolism. I'd see a stout lady get up with no makeup and unstyled hair and I'd lower my eyes in shame.
"Please don't judge her" I'd beg in my head because immediately she looked like poor, trailer trash. And I'd be in disbelief the mentor didn't buy her a nice outfit at Lane Bryant or get her hair done before.
It reminded me even though I did affect, I'd never get away from being invisible or looked away from. And that's where I am now.
I guess I'm done with conferences or speaking or teaching or being a public figure. My health ins won't cover my GLPs. No.other cure for PMOS/PCOS metabolism.
I'm over and I should just settle into quietly making power moves. And just not being loved.j
I didn't get the job I would have to take for all the wrong reasons. I feel it's because they saw me IRL and I was too brightly colored and ugly. Or fat.
I am trying to switch to better meds, but they are 450$ unless I appeal. To appeal I need to get ALL my medical records for the 15 years. But every other attempt including coupons failed.
I know I'm secure, but I feel like everyone thinks I'm ugly and awful. So my body feels big. And my hair feels funny.
Every time I go to a conference, I leave feeling like I DO NOT BELONG. Every time. Just the entire time. I do not belong here. People are staring at me. I don't have EQ. What am I doing here? WHY ARE YOU STARING at me?
Good things:
I found a new cool town I'd never fully explored and good BBQ.
Hotel was refreshing! I didn't want to leave.
I now don't have to take that job. It'd probably suck having to move.
I guess all my good ideas for work are going to have to happen now. Oh well. Time to start writing grants.
Weirdness:
It's just so hard to get rid of the weird/bad/paranoia feelings lately. They roll around in my head like imps and demons making everything good, bad. And I just want people to love me. A few people. Love. Gentleness. Be magnified by someone's love. For a moment.
Warm What Ifs...wow fan fic with Slyvanas andl Nathanos.
If you remember there's a mini novel that goes over their previous relationship as living people then covers both of them reviving their human bodies. It makes this slice of life bittersweet.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
I gquit a US WRA/MG guild because instead of pride they posted a 250th Cage Match banner. I wasn't really involved but slowly had pieced together a predictable culture of fake masc personality.
And a older, maga jobless guild leader? Or midage independent contractor work from home incel?
I wonder if they realized women and gay people play wow?
The counter argument - more vampires are bad. In general, in Faerun, vampires are very very bad. Undead are bad. Any non undead thinks vampires are bad except people so over confident they assume they'll never be used or turned.
You are food, not friend!
Ascended Astarion is a means to an end. You get a vampire lord who owes you big time favors. You know all his weaknesses. You can put him down when he becomes inconvenient . And you don't have to take the path as his subby slave if you romance him.
In fact if you go to hells with bff Karlach and return to him at the party hes totally chill. He welcomes you back and offers you a place at his side when you are ready.
The thousands of ghouls and thralls?Dump them all in the UD with no food? You want vampire Duergar, Gnomes, and Drow? Nope. Better to put them out of their hunger and misery.
Because vampires are evil and bad. Most of Faerun would easily come for you if you did such horrendous acts against the light.
Voodoo Mama Juju Rose @voodoomamajujuz - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
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