what does it matter

Where I type out personal stuff and occasional writing peices.

[vs-talks-too-much]

not to be like that but i’m really feeling the sad a*rora vibes right now, when she sings “I dont belong here, I don’t belong anywhere.”

because i feel like i dont. i find people i love and they just dont. love me back, not the way i love them. and people who love me do so artificially; because it’d benefit them, not because there’s actually any appeal. i have too much love to give, and no one wants it.

i’m not boring, i dont think. i think im just too much... myself. even though i’m acting a lot, it’s still not enough for anyone.

i haven’t been able to cry since the beginning of q*arantine, i think because my anxiety has sort of stalled out. and i’d /love/ to cry, so I could at least put the emotions somewhere other than inside myself

[vs-talks-too-much]

i was told to start journaling and frankly ive been very bad at it

a third war may be starting soon and it’s all started before my birthday ended. my new years eve was spent alone, disappointed, and heartbroken. my new years day was tense. i haven’t had a good few days

what i guess would be called a depressive episode has reached physical feeling - i can feel a tension in my shoulders, discomfort in my lower back. my heart aches and my lungs resist me when i want to breath. my legs feel so heavy. my eyes hurt.

i’m very much in love with someone, but i wouldn’t dare say so. i couldn’t, and especially not now.

my country is embarrassing to talk about. i know it’s not directly my fault, but i wish we could stop with the big ego’s and threats of war and stupid shit like that. we don’t need more power than we have. we don’t need to do this. we have other more important problems.

i think this ‘episode’ so to speak is because my medication is gone. my body is in a constant state of PMS, and the mood swings are out of control and harsher than ever. i’m very focused, and then im not. i’m social, and then i’m not. i’m happy, and then i’m not. i’m lonely. i’ve stayed lonely, that feeling won’t go away. my motivation to prioritize what needs to be done is gone. To do something more frivolous though, sometimes i have a lot and sometimes i don’t have that either.

i just want the world to get better. it could be so much better

[vs-talks-too-much]

ill just be typing here a bunch, i cant vent to people anymore without overwhelming guilt

[vs-talks-too-much]

it doesnt seem to matter how often I do or do not ask for help when I'm sad, I get ignored both ways

[vs-talks-too-much]

i cant wait for winter break

im so sick and scared and tired, and we don’t have proper mental healthcare at this school for me to reach out to anyone. my closest appointment is in 2 weeks.

i’m even getting sick of the people i considered good friends up until now. its hit me that i don’t have a “best friend”. everyone has someone else, at least one person they stick with all the time. at least one person they can rely on when they need some help, or that they can just talk to. i don’t. i thought i did, but even they’re getting sick of me, they don’t want to deal with me.

so now im sick, scared, tired, and very alone. very alone

[vs-talks-too-much]

I swear this girl waits until i say something just to come over top with her own problems

I'm having a full blown anxiety attack over not being able to eat and she starts talking about the rain making her socks a little wet. I say I'm homesick and she goes on a rant for the 4th night in a row that she's annoyed that she cant use the bathroom while her roomates in there. I say I need time to find dinner because I hadn't eaten in 7 hours and was having trouble finding food, she glosses over it because she wants to put on a movie.

I'm so sick of getting into this pattern of being pushed aside by other people and it's no wonder Im willing to complain to whoever has an ear. even if I had 1 person who was willing to listen every single one of my rants, I dont think I depend on another human being like that.

I've always been the side-friend, or extra wheel. The only time I've been a priority was when someone wanted to use or prey upon me.

[vs-talks-too-much]

im mostly typing here since I havent typed here in a long time. Been sick a lot. hope it stops soon

also, fuck the college system it's real stupid

[vs-talks-too-much]

im overwhemingly lonely right now. i keep seeing so many people doing things together and having fun and im sitting in my house doing nothing. no one’s offered to do anything with me, and i can’t ask because i know the answer’s no. i live too far away from my friends to visit them or have them visit me. i don’t have any in-game friends. i just spent this evening cramming to finish a video that no ones going to watch, and i missed out on the last evening before the major release of a big game expansion that everyone’s going to love and im not because im going to be alone while playing it. im so sick of trying to make friends right now, i know i cant keep em. i just want company.

[vs-talks-too-much]

my stepdad is no longer my stepdad, he’s just a sick and shitty man who doesn’t care for anyone but his own god damn self.

he complains about never seeing me or my brother again but I don’t give a fuck about him, I don’t want to see him ever again and he deserves that despair

I’m leaving my childhood home. I’m leaving my cozy bedroom with the one window in the back that I would use to kiss the stars before I went to bed every night. I’m leaving the tiny spot of black paint on the white frame of my sliding door to the backyard. I’m leaving the path I used to walk home every day from school, and the threshold I’d walk through after a long day. The same threshold I was brought through after I was born, the same one where I’d press my face up against the frosty glass when it snowed for the first time that year. I’m leaving the spot where my first swing set was, where I fed squirrels and talked to the neighbors. I’m leaving the tiny kitchen where Christmas cookies were made and stuffing was buttered and where I would sit on the counter to talk to my mom while she was washing dishes. I’m leaving the musty basement with the dark laundry room that used to scare me as a kid, but I stored all my dolls there. I’m leaving the carpets and the couches I used to lay around when I was sick, and the hardwood floors I’d skate around in my socks. I’m leaving the back path that sweltered in the summer, glowed in the autumn, glistened in the winter, and bloomed in the spring. I’m leaving my favorite tree and my neighbors cat and my home

I’m leaving a place where I felt safest, secure, and comfortable. I’m leaving a place that could console me when I was sick and tired and sad. I’m leaving my memories here.

I don’t ever want to hear him complain about what he’s losing ever again. I’m losing everything to that son of a bitch and I hope he regrets everything.

[vs-talks-too-much]

hi I’m in college and I’m enjoying it less and less by the day

I love learning shit and honestly school itself isn’t bad it’s the social aspect that’s making me want to cry myself to sleep every other night

I’m so sick of my neighbor, she’s a pain in my ass and I don’t even care if she means well at this point, because her meanings haven’t stopped her shitty attitude and poor ability to respect basic boundaries.

This guy thinks he owns a shared space under the guise of mental illness and won’t take nofor an answer. I’ve had to leave this public space on THREE SEPARATE INSTANCES because I’ve told him not to play specific content on the TV and his response is “but I like this show”. He makes a fucking mess and we’re getting cockroaches now because he can’t keep his own shit in check.

Two others have no sense of volume management and, despite claiming to understand sensory overload, tend to be the biggest contributors to getting it. They just scream, all the time, and I can’t handle it.

Another girl will not stop talking about herself and again places it under the guise of it being out of her control...and then when people give her controllable things to do to fix her endless problems she makes up reasons not to do them

I don’t feel like I belong in this “group” anymore aside from a few people who haven’t found reasons to hate me or for me to hate them yet. Every other person has annoyed me to the point of tears and I don’t want to look at or interact with any of them. I’m embarrassed to be with these people because I know there are so many others who resent my group, and by extension, me. I hate this. I want to the alone. I want to be alone

[softbrooklyn-deactivated2019052]

AGAIN. I see nothing about this side of the country on this site. PLEASE. Send as much as you can manage their way - support, money, whatever you can.

[i-restuff]

My hometown (Balikpapan) was literally accros the sea from this city. when this happened, some of my friends told me they could actually feel the earthquack from there.

It was started with 7,7 magnitude earthquack and continued with a 10-18 Feet tsunami. So far it’s been reported that 384 died and 540 Injured, research still continues.

My sympathy goes to the people from Palu, Danggola & Mamuju, especially to the families of those who have lost their lives, to the injured and to all who have been affected by this terrible disaster

[i-restuff]

Donation Links

[ Savethechildren.org ]

https://www.savethechildren.org/us/about-us/media-and-news/2018-press-releases/earthquake-and-tsunami-hits-indonesia-sulawesi

[ hhrd.org ]

http://hhrd.org/indonesia

[ Koperinik.info ]

https://kopernik.info/en/donate/palu-emergency-response

[i-restuff]

Update, the death poll is up to 832 now

more links to donate.

https://www.globalgiving.org/projects/indonesia-earthquake-relief-fund/

https://www.hopeww.org/update-palu-earthquake-tsunami

http://irusa.org/indonesia/

[vs-talks-too-much]

yay bad feelings again

i dont even know what it is this time but seem to be blaming it on hating my own art and being mad at my ex even though hes literally done nothing wrong

honestly part of it might just be jealousy because everyones partying at senior week w their best friends and what am i doing? crying myself to sleep, existential dread, wondering if ill be homeless when i come back from college, stressing about making sellable art, and yknow the usual.

my friends had trouble getting their shit together for even 1 day let alone a whole week so fuck that im just not allowed to have a vacation i guess

[vs-talks-too-much]

A lot of my friends are still shocked at the fact that oh my god we just graduated and we’re free now but I feel like it hit me the second I threw my cap.

My Oma hugged me and we both cried and she said she didn’t think she’d make it but she was glad she did.

In my mind I remembered that for a while I didn’t think I’d make it either. When I was a freshman I came to high school with the mentality that I wouldn’t finish. I was at such a low that I didn’t believe my future stretched that far. I suppose I mean that I would’ve killed myself first but I wasn’t suicidal, I never have been. Maybe I would just cease to exist. I was at such a low point that the idea of me having a future just wasn’t there.

I began to panic in junior year because I realized I was almost there already. But I didn’t think I’d make it so I didn’t have a plan or a passion aside from art. But I found a college of my dreams and got in, I fell in love and fell out of it and it hurt, I felt emotions I would later realize were so vivid and wonderful and I had never felt them before. I danced a bit and sang a bit and drew a lot. And sure I still had bad days but that’s what recovery is, isn’t it? Just today I had an unpleasant bout of sensory overload that made it very hard to enjoy my graduation but I worked through it slowly.

I have a lot of people to thank and i think tomorrow will be a good day to write some letter and send some emails and make a few calls. My future is bright and colorful and I can’t wait.

[vs-talks-too-much]

at prom I felt something and I want that something back, I want to feel it again. It was like something finally snapped into place, like a tight muscle popping loose again but in my heart and my head. i was dancing with my friends and with people who I call my friends but I don’t really know that well, screaming the lyrics to mr.brightside at the top of my god damned lungs, and I felt that. I almost started crying; i felt so free and happy and alive, and I didn’t realize that I hadn’t already felt that way.

I realized that I was okay with where I am. I’m going to college, I’m graduating, I made it further than I originally thought I would and then some. I didn’t feel that desperate loneliness that had been plaguing me for several months. I was beautiful and young and loved by the people around me.

Right now I’m in bed and starting to feel myself sink again. I’m thinking about how scary it is that I’m drifting apart from someone I loved, and that I’m maybe isolating myself from a lot of people I love and I might lose them too. I’m mad because the drama hasn’t stopped, and I’m dangerously toeing at getting myself involved where I shouldn’t.

I keep thinking of it again though. Being on a dance floor in the prettiest dress I’ve ever worn and biggest smile I’ve ever had, out of breath and choking back tears of happiness. Feeling that short (seconds long even) sweet moment of pure cathartic joy.

And I’m not sure I care about those things anymore. If the drama ensues, I’ll leave. If he’s found happiness in her, then I’ll let him go. That’s all going to hurt so much but I know now that there’s a sliver of a chance that I’ll still be okay, and that I’ll feel that moment again.

[vs-talks-too-much]

i just want the tension to be gone

[vs-talks-too-much]

I think the origins of indi’s name are inaccurate. I used to say it was the name I got when I shortened the word “independence”, and that it had been a name in my head for some time because I needed to tell myself I was capable of that. That’s not the case.

I needed to give myself something to cling to because I wasn’t independent, I was exceedingly lonely. And I still am.

I hate that the one person I let myself be dependent on (despite my inner conscience begging me not to) was, of course, the one person who would take that need for affection and make it so I would turn into this disgusting, almost infantile, creature who can’t live without it.

I’m touch-starved, I’m lonely, and I’m really tired

[vs-talks-too-much]

the hurt is still there, i’ve just gotten better at pretending it’s not there. but every time im reminded of it, my heart aches