Light Pink Mouse

a collection of random musings and slight chaos (very much a spams page) ❀ 20, they/she ❀ MDNI

[vsh-69]

existentialism (poem)

last night i was spiraling a bit and ended up writing some slightly incoherent babble about how weird it is to notice yourself experiencing existentialism. very 'woke' of me (in the original sense, not the bastardized one), lol. anyway, i turned those thoughts into a poem! honestly, it was super cathartic to reread and dissect everything, highly recommend!

[cupidl0v3rr]

[vsh-69]

in the waiting room at my grandmother's physical therapy so i figured i'd blog for a little bit! i started painting this landscape a couple nights ago and i was quite upset with how it turned out.

i was following a tutorial series on impressionist style painting (i've been very obsessed with Monet lately lol), and i got about that far. looking at it now, i don't think i did a horrible job! my first mistake was using a fairly dark under-paint, but i'm not mad about it since it helped me figure out my values!

it's times like this when i wish i took a fundamentals art class in high school 😭 but i will definitely have fun painting this again later!

[vsh-69]

on a slow and ✨messy✨ path to spirituality

i've been thinking a lot about spirituality lately, and honestly? i don't have concrete beliefs right now. just fragments of feelings.

for a little bit of context, i self-deprogrammed from a cult i was born into. it's a Nondenominational Christian group that followed the teachings of William Marion Branham. just a quick look at his wikipedia page is enough to make one feel lightheaded, lol. i don't talk about it much, but leaving that behind completely shifted the way i see faith, belief, and authority.

however, it's gotten harder lately as my parents are still very much in it. and because i depend on them, i've had to keep up the act. i never came out to them, i hide my septum piercing, if i wear pants or something "wordly," i'll throw a skirt or jacket over it before i walk through the door. i hate living a lie, but it's what i have to do for now until i'm okay with receiving backlash. luckily, they don't bother me with attending their church services anymore, but they've gotten... more extreme over time. when i had a bad allergy attack while moving out of my dorm last week, my dad told me i needed to cast it out in the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ because calling it "my allergies" meant that i was claiming it. like. o...kay...

anyway. most religions don't recognize queerness. and i will never separate myself from my queerness just to belong somewhere "spiritual." if a belief system asks me to cut off a part of who i am just to be accepted, that's not love, that's control.

generally, i also just struggle with the idea of God, especially an all-powerful one, because of the amount of suffering in the world. we're watching genocide happen in real time. how could a loving god allow this?? growing up, i was taught that humans have to suffer to be "worthy" of God. but if that's true, then God sounds more like a narcissist than a source of unconditional love. and that makes me angry. it also makes me wary of anyone who tries to force their religion on others, especially with that "i know better" energy. it's extremely harmful even if well-intended.

so no, i'm not ready to take up a new faith just to fill a void i want whatever spiritual path i walk to be intentional. if i ever commit to something, it has to feel honest. anything else feels disrespectful—to the practice and to myself.

in the meantime, what i do believe in is good karma or whatever you want to call it. i try to be kind. not for reward, not out of fear. just because i think empathy, sympathy, and mutual care are what make life bearable, even beautiful.

i've definitely explored a few spiritual traditions. i looked into the Baha'i faith and appreciated it's emphasis on unity and science, but it still sits too close to the Abrahamic umbrella for me. which is pretty triggering. on the flip side, Paganism and other polytheistic paths just don't speak to me either. i guess i'll just be somewhere in between, floating, listening.

so this is just my saying: i don't know where i'm going spiritually, but i know what i'm not taking with me. i'm queering the path as i walk it. no gods, no masters. just some curiosity, integrity, and kindness :)

[vsh-69]

happy mother's day to the mom i raised while she raised me

recently in therapy, i learned it's not my autism that makes me act like i'm still in middle school or younger.

turns out it's actually parentification—when you're forced to grow up way too fast, right when your brain is supposed to be awkward and dramatic and obsessed with anime boys or whatever kids were into at the time. basically, while other kids got the space to figure out who they were, i was figuring out how to survive. how to emotionally support a family that didn't realize they were handing their youngest kid responsibilities meant for "big-year-olds."

and now my brain is like, "hey! can we... maybe go back and have the childhood we were supposed to get??" so when i catch myself being a chaotic little gremlin in a nearly 20-year-old body, i try not to beat myself up for it. it's not regression, it's reclamation.

(but honestly, even if it was regression, that wouldn't make it inherently wrong. we all slip back sometimes when emotions hit hard.)

so yeah. thanks for that, mom. lol :')

there's more after the cut if you care to read my ramblings

anyway; the wild part is, i still love her. like, so much 😅 it's weird, holding both things at once: the ache from the damage she didn't mean to cause, and the warmth from all the times she did try her best. she was doing what she knew. and sometimes, what she knew hurt me. we're extremely different people, and i think that made it harder for her to understand me, especially as a kid. but i also know she made sacrifices, that she loved me in her own way, and that maybe she was parentified too. maybe she just didn't have to tools to break the cycle. maybe i was the easiest one to hand it to.

regardless, i still wish her nothing but the best and i am extremely thankful for her. happy mother's day, mom.

[vsh-69]

lately i've been thinking...

i've been feeling like i'm floating above my own life lately. not in a dreamy way, more like i'm having an out-of-body experience watching myself go through the motions. i'm not sad at all! just waiting for something to click, waiting for my next chapter in life. things feel a little stagnant right now, but that's okay :]

for now, i'll just let the quiet hold me

first post of my new series, "lately i've been thinking..."

this is just a place for me to check in with myself and make a little time capsule for my head and heart :))

[velartis]

Franz Kafka, 1912

[vsh-69]

the softest weight (poem)

this is a poem that i played with to turn into an iambic pentameter, shifted words around, and tried to make lighter. the original piece still holds a special place in my heart, and i though it'd be a good idea to post it somewhere!

if you care to share, please let me know what you think and perhaps how it made you feel?

[vsh-69]

"the proper function of man is to live, not exist." Jack London in "The Road"