You're Reading Me

Here is Where I Lay My Cards

[vulnerabilitybitesback]

12/22/21 5:34pm

It's like having two people sitting on either side of you

conversing

but all you're trying to do is focus on the person in front of you

how their lips move

if they speak out the side of their mouth or if they embody their words like an actor on a stage

what color their eyes are

if they reflect the wall color, if they look like moon light or starlight

and you can't help but wonder of the early morning mangles their voice

I want to know more about you, but my thoughts are too loud to consentrate over. Are you real? or my imagination?

[3therealplanes]

Suicide nets in The Hotel Chelsea

[veewith2es]

'the long walk would never happen today-'

the long walk is happening every day. i graduated high school in 2014. four boys i graduated with enlisted in the military. two of them died before their 21st birthday while in active duty. one of them was injured in an ied explosion and honorably discharged in 2018. he took his own life a year later leaving behind his wife and newborn daughter. the fourth served until 2021 when the last of the us troops where pulled from afghanistan. he had pretty intense ptsd and had devolved into alcoholism to cope. two years ago, he was driving under the influence and crashed his car into a transformer. he died en route to the hospital. none of them made it to thirty.

i come from a small town in alabama. there are approximately two mental health facilities not including the ward at the hospital. there are five separate military recruitment centers. every now and then we get a boy lucky enough to make it to college football but most of the boys in this town become cops, mechanics, drug dealers, part time workers or they enlist in the military.

king wrote the long walk as an allegory for vietnam and the way it affected the young men and culture of the time. well, i didn't grow up during vietnam. i grew up during the wars in iraq and afghanistan. that is the lens through which i view this story and as someone who attended the funerals of all four of those boys i can assure you the long walk is happening every day.

[pisshandkerchief]

never kill yourself. discovering music is literally endless. you know songs? they're always making new ones

[victusinveritas]

Please do not dislike this skull.

[surrealpetals]

[vulnerabilitybitesback]

1/11/22 5:09am

having a family is so weird

yknow?

because i've spent so long being alone and feeling alone, i don't know what to do.

i've hurt so many people. i had no one to turn to

call me crazy, deny me, when did i ever turn to you?

i still don't trust myself to turn to family. who knows what secrets i've kept so tight to myself would empty with the slightest turning of the lock.

family is an f word. or was, or always has been; i don't even know anymore.

lately i haven't been feeling so alone, so maybe that counts for something. there's this pressuring ache on my chest. it hurts to breathe and all i can assume is this is my heart growing after being shriveled for so long. still covered in plexiglass, but still seeking light and water. trying to reach out to warmth and comfort.

family is an f word.

maybe they're fertilizer too

[stars-and-branches]

Chronic pain pisses me off cause I'm not even incapacitated for like a cool or badass reason instead my body is throwing the world's biggest temper tantrum because it's raining outside

[ishowdespair-deactivated2026012]

[vulnerabilitybitesback]

1/11/22 5:04pm

i'm still so angry. i will never not be angry. my throat is hoarse from all the screaming at you i do in my dreams. i wake up in a haze, like i've set fire to you and the smoke clouds me. i know i cannot recover until, in spite of myself, i forgive you.

i'm doing this for me. no matter who you thank or attribute this greatness, know that it was i who deemed myself fit for forgiveness.

forgiveness of the girl you forgot.

forgivness of the teen who you left.

forgiveness of me who will live her like abundantly and gracefully, because she decided you were no longer worth her fear and loathing.

i hate to be the only one to tell your stories. i will write them for you, but never forget my own, and wonder how they coincide. how we came to be this

[vulnerabilitybitesback]

1/11/22 4:45pm

this is what i want

this is how i move on

this is how i let those memories feel like a lifetime ago.

it's so damn hard because they're the constant i've had for years.the coziness of hate hasn't left me. the anger and hurt will never leave me, but it's hard not to feel like if i do this then i'm invalidating everything i went through and did for myself.

i want to move on. i really really do. i know i can't skip steps and magically wake up to the life i want, but damn i want to move on, i really really do. please take away the pounding in my throat, the ache in my jaw, the sweat on my neck. take it away. please please please. i'll do it i'll do it i'll do it, just don't let me forget. don't let me heal just to hurt all over again. i don't want to just forget what happened, i know what happened, it's unescapable.

i will never out grow that part of my soul, but i want to grow up. i want to live. i want to feel like i deserve this life. i need to forgive, for my own sake.

i deserve to feel pink, soft sheets, kindness and cake. i deserve to grow up the way i wasnt allowed. i deserve to move on, find happiness, and forgive myself. i deserve this, and so much more that you can never take from me again. i will grow and flourish without you. i've decided to forgive you, but i will never forget how you hurt me. i will never forget the pain and hate you caused me.

[vulnerabilitybitesback]

1/11/22 4:14pm

i'm scared. so damned fucking scared. logically i shouldn't be, he can't hurt me. he won't yell or shout or shake me.

i'm in control, i'm in power.

i'm doing this for myself. i've lived like a hermit for two years because im so scared to leave my house and see him.

i'm in control, i'm empowered. what's the worst that could happen

i'm stubborn and hurt, which feels like a lethal dose. i'll get over it I swear. i just need to let this out once more.

this is how i heal, this is how i move on. i'm doing this for myself. i'm in control, i'm in power.

what he says or does no longer controls me or stakes through me with fear.

i am in control, i am empowered. i am doing this for me. i am doing this to move on and heal. the forgiveness is mine, to give and take reprieve. i am doing this for my peace of mind

[vulnerabilitybitesback]

1/10/22 1:51am

Sometimes I scare myself

I am a genius i am a fucking genius. monuments should be mounted in my memotium

"here lies some silly little girl who knew too much too fast and thought she could save the world with her little stories"

[vulnerabilitybitesback]

*Trigger Warning* 1/10/22 1:48am

*self harm*

I am a writer at heart.

not of poetry, script, or novel

just these stupid little things i tell myself before i go to bed.

sometimes all i can do it pick up a pencil and unwillingly put it down. sometimes i can't even look at paper because i know its waiting for its perfect moment to cut me, deeper than i cut myself.

good night good night good night

[vulnerabilitybitesback]

1/10/22 1:43 am

You think I don't know what you see when they look at me. It's taken me a long time but I know.

It's taken me even longer not to care, but what i don't know is what people see when they see me, really see me.

do they see through me? do they see my fears and loathes? do they see my hypocracy?

what i want them to see, they never will. no one will ever see the me i do. they see and hear what they want about me, but never really me.

it's not that i expect people to get me, strangers or friends; it's just on occasion i have hopes someone will see me and save me

[vulnerabilitybitesback]

1/10/22 1:38am

I am a wounded snake

i recoil and shake

when someone looks too close

when they ask what are you doing, what are you reading, what do you like, who do you want to be

i don't want anyone to know anything about me, ever, and yet i'm so lonely.

alone i lick my wounds, try not to let my own venom bite back at me.

i was once open and caring, but bit by bit i shielded myself. i think you're out to make fun of me, i think you're out to get me; see that i'm a fraud and know nothing. i'm all talk and pretentiousness, with no fangs to show for it, but scars i have plenty.

[vulnerabilitybitesback]

12/4/21 11:06 am

If friends is all we can be, i'll take it.

i'll take it and run with it.

i'll be the shoulder you can cry on, the heart you can confide in

the eyes that see you, really see you.

i'll hear your call from worlds away.

i'll be your friend

no more, no less

but i'll be your best friend, as long as you'll have me