hello

sad aesthetic girl

[w4ndermelon]

im at the stage of my life where most of my friends are getting engaged, already married, OR being pregnant with their 2nd child. and i am here, blabbering on tumblr at 1 in the afternoon during my work hours – well not that i actually mind. if anything, i had a realization that i should be enjoying my glorious days a.k.a. days when the only person i have to worry about and take care of is ME.

the thought of having children has always daunted me. tho i wouldnt say i do not wish to have one someday. its just that i hate the idea of having to give up myself and the life ive always known for them. i dislike the idea that it will become less of me and more of them. i know, i know. this is my selfish a$$ talking and i do not have a better grasp of what its like to be a mother. but right now, i just want to dedicate my life mostly to myself while i still can. cause sooner or later, i know ill have to go down THAT road.

and for the record, im gonna try my best to be an amazing mother

[w4ndermelon]

dear scotty

dear scotty,

i wish you knew how beautiful and awesome you were through kenna’s eyes. it was only glimpsed from her memories, but she made it seem like you were the best man anyone could ever have and now i really wish we got to know more of you. i dreaded reading her letter about the night of your death. of course, i knew you were dead, but reading it was like killing you again for the second time. the words were so painful and agonizing that i had to close my book and wait till the next day to open it again like delaying would mean keeping you alive for a bit of time. but i opened my book and youre still dead. and kenna is still reliving it through her letters. life has been so unfair on you, scotty. i hate it.

i am not a mother but i think grace and patrick's decision to keep diem from kenna was the right thing to do. i mean, i felt bad for her but after learning that she left you there and you had to crawl for your life made me sick. i just cant imagine someone like you, someone who was so wonderful and sweet and smart had to experience that at the last minute of his life. and because im not a mother, im really in no position to say that kenna doesnt deserve to be in diem's life.

no offense to ledger, though i think he'd agree, but you scotty landry is so much better than him.

[w4ndermelon]

its scary how youve known someone your whole life, thinking you understand them completely like no one else do, only for you to find out that what you saw all those years were just part of them they wanted to share with you.

its terrifying knowing they easily lied to your face while making you believe that they love and care about you so much. and there wasnt even a trace of regret or guilt from them.

its appalling how i didnt have any clue that im being played all along. i cant imagine how stupid i was to never knew anything about it. i was so naive to believe.

and its shameful that even after everything, im still stuck with him trying to convince myself that his love is greater than the mistake he did. its an everyday struggle pushing aside all my negative thoughts and having no one else to lean on.

[chooseselflove-againandagain]

[owlmylove]

maybe if you take a hot shower. cook something. eat a little soup. feel a little sunshine. make something with your hands—it doesn’t have to be big. maybe if you stretch your body and draw a silly little picture and get some rest, the world will feel like something your hands can still hold

[w4ndermelon]

hey, im back ˙ᵕ˙

its been almost a year since i write in here. in case youre wondering, no im not back from that socmed detox as i said in my last blog but yes i took that 2-week break. i cannot remember if i really achieved my purpose for deactivating my accounts back then because right now everythings just the same.

8 months has passed and a lot has happened. i mean A LOT. thats the sole reason why im back. i want to let my thoughts out. i want to be heard. i want someone to feel me. oh, wait im not even sure if theres at least one person who actually reads my blog. lol.

anyways im letting it out. i need to let it all out.

[w4ndermelon]

today i have decided to deactivate all my social medias for the next 15 days. i came to a realization that spending most of my time in these apps are really really unhealthy and they have become part of my life in a way they should have not been. i also want to change my focus and redirect my life. i hope that when i come back, i will be a better version of myself. i know its just a little amount of time and it might not be enough to do much but you know what they say, a little progress is still a progress.

-✨

[recaption]

[w4ndermelon]

my boyfriend and i made this silly agreement that when we reach our 7th year, we would take things between us to the next level. get married and start our own family. i know deep in my heart that it is nothing serious and just one of our foolish jokes. that being said, it also struck to me as a half meant joke. and to tell you honestly im kinda excited and looking forward to it. by the way, we are together 5 years as i speak. so thats less than 2 years from now.

and just last night we were talking about saving money and actually scouting for house and lots. we were planning to buy by next year. BUT THIS AFTERNOON, yes today not even 24 hours have passed since we talked about our future home, when i mentioned about our supposed “7th year” joke, to my surprise he bluntly told me he doesnt wanna get married. i was taken aback there for a moment, trying to process what i heard. i didnt even get a chance to react when he finally talked again, probably noticed that i was bemused by his words, and reassured me that hes so sure about me its just that he thinks that he can never turn his back anymore once we tie the knot.

“para kasing wala nang bawian” his exact words.

i just smiled. because once again, he said it as if it is some sort of a joke. yet here i am, wide awake lying on my bed, thinking about what he said and what he really meant by it. im scared.

[w4ndermelon]

today is the start of reimplementation of ecq in some parts of my country. well to be honest i have never really gotten a better grasp on these different community quarantine measures.

aside from the threat of the virus, we also have our own personal battles to fight. these are overwhelming filling us with fear and anxiety. getting up each day feeling hopeless and discouraged.

to whoever is reading this right now, or to you myself whenever you get back to this post, i genuinely hope you find a reason to be happy today no matter how small it may be. a freshly brewed coffee waiting on the table. your dog staring at you wagging its tail. a parcel you ordered online is out for delivery. there are always more good things than bad if we just learn to be more appreciative.

go find that reason to brighten up your day.

[sunbathe]

https://www.instagram.com/p/BSvytBcBJiG/

[thezeroquotes]

“Take me as I am, or watch me as I go.”

— Unknown (via thoughtkick)

[w4ndermelon]

this mentality is sickening. lets be mature enough to accept that we have toxic traits too and we need to compromise.

[stay-close]

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

— Oscar Wilde

[w4ndermelon]

there is no such thing as equal love when it comes to a relationship. there will always be that one person who is more in love

more caring

more understanding

more patient

more forgiving

and more compassionate

love isnt always fair but never unfair

[destroymylife]

[recaption]

[w4ndermelon]

i just finished reading this book entitled "we were liars". and there is not even a scrabble word for how i felt after i read the last chapter. if you know you know.

i literally bawled my eyes out and cried myself to sleep. thats the thing about me, i EASILY (all caps to emphasize) get attached to anything and anyone. be it a book character, anime, movie cast, just anything. when they are happy, i celebrate with them. when they are troubled, i fear with them, and when they are grieving, i cry with them.

the plot twist fucking blew my mind away. *spoiler alert* cadence, the protagonist of the story, together with her cousins and gat did a terrible thing that didnt end really well for all of them. they plot this crime and when everything seemed perfect, it all fell apart right in front of her very own eyes.

i thought while reading there are actual moments in my life when i experienced that instance. the part where you are very sure of something but then it ended the opposite way of what you imagined it to be like. and there's nothing you can do, no matter how much liters of tears you cry or how loud you shout out of frustration. theres no reset button. its not a dream where you can just wake up when things are too much to take.

all we can do is just regret and face the consequences.