“sometimes i go to sleep thinking about you because i want to talk to you and i can’t do that here so my dreams are my best bet in my mind you’re so much kinder so much softer and you still love me in a way that makes sense so sometimes i fall asleep and open my eyes to find you smiling at me and i take your hand and tell you all the things i wish i could say: what my day is like now where i’ve been since i last saw you that there are days where i still miss you because something has happened and you would know exactly what to say that i’m sorry too even if it doesn’t feel like i have anything to apologize for i’m still sorry that i think about how different it would be if i just hadn’t fallen in love with you or how different it would be if you hadn’t taken my love and run it off a bridge sometimes i fall asleep thinking about you so that in my dreams i won’t have lost a best friend and then i wake up and cry about it because i feel ashamed to even want to talk to you at all when i have such beautiful people in my life who are so much better to me than you were but that doesn’t even matter to me in the slightest honestly it’s been years but i’ve still got shit to figure out clearly so i still cry about you and i still miss you and i try not to feel like a bad person because of it even though there are times when i wonder if maybe you were the love of my life and everything after is just trying to fill your shoes but just because someone left the biggest wound that you are still sewing shut just because it keeps reopening and snapping all the stitches just because you may let it bleed a little bit sometimes until it makes you lightheaded and stumbling just because you sometimes miss the people that hurt you doesn’t mean you want them to come back and it doesn’t mean they should have never left obviously because they nearly killed you obviously they are bad for you obviously you have done the right thing in pushing them out of your life but it does mean that sometimes you’re going to want to text them and ask them how they’ve been and you won’t but you’ll want to sometimes you’ll wish you could run into them at the coffee shop or grocery store so when they ask what’s going on in your life you could tell them and sometimes you will even want them back you will think that this time things could be different and you would both do better now even though you still haven’t heard a sincere apology from them and so sometimes you will fall asleep thinking about them because in your dreams they are kind and soft and wise and do everything right and don’t cheat on you or lie to you or make you feel like you don’t deserve to be loved and in your dreams you can miss them and feel like it’s an okay thing to do and in your dreams you can even still love them and it won’t seem like something foolish so sometimes i fall asleep thinking about you and when you come to me like i thought you always would i feel a little less broken and when you ask me how my day has been i don’t feel like i’m lying when i say better now.”
— catarine hancock (@catarinehancock on instagram)
