Forgiving The Unforgivable @walkingasbeloved - Tumblr Blog

I don’t think I’m going to survive much longer.

Okay, I’ve got to be honest.

I’m not doing so well.

I’ve been struggling with doubt, hopelessness, anger, sadness, disappointment....

But the whole point of this blog is to create a community where it’s okay to talk about our struggles even if we’re in the middle of them. So I’m out of hiding. I’m having a hard time. It is what it is.

Sorry it took me so long.

/beloved/

Walking into a new church can be scary. The most important thing to remember is that we’re all children of God who are called to love one another. God led you here for a reason, so just say “hello,” and be amazed at His ability to transform your life! //beloved//

I keep having to remind myself of what I’ve laid at the foot of the cross. And then I lay it back down.

What happens to a small child who goes into the kitchen and opens the cookie jar? Does he ever leave the kitchen without a cookie? Today I opened a medicine cabinet. Medicine cabinets are my cookie jars. Now, fortunately, I didn’t take anything out of it. What I’m getting at, however, is that I easily could have left the restroom I was in, goodies in hand, and never have turned back. Why do we open up the lid, the door, the window to temptation? We know what’s on the other side and we know it’s not going to end well. As someone once addicted, I realize I was once so childlike in my behavior, and today I almost let my six-year-old self take over. It’s terrifying! I’m very blessed that I was using FaceTime with my mom when the incident happened. “Why would you cover up your camera? Why would you open the cabinet door?” I froze. I realized I had no idea why I had done those things. I know what relapsing could bring me. I know how painful disappointing my loved ones could feel. So why do we go running to that cookie jar when we know we can’t have a cookie? Truthfully, I don’t have an answer. All I know is that I made a choice today that could have led to a series of fatal decisions. Cookies aren’t as serious as narcotics, I know. But isn’t it the exact same behavior? I’m praying for further understanding. I’ll post again soon and hopefully with more insight, but for now I just want to praise God for having someone that holds me accountable watching and for His strength. He kept me from making a choice that could have killed me. Thank God for His Love and Mercy, even when we don’t deserve it. Even when we’re holding the lid to the cookie jar. //beloved//

I’ve hit a bit of a writer’s block, so I’m going to attempt to make this more interactive than before. If you have been reading my blog this far and have something specific you would like me to write about, just send me an email! Request what’s on your mind. It may take me a while to get through everyone’s emails, but I promise that as long as it’s Christ-centered and/or is in regard to my testimony/realm of knowledge, I will write about it. I promise! Take me up on it, y’all!! [email protected] //beloved//

I’m getting baptized! This week has been such an amazing testament of God’s hand in my life. I went from being homeless, carless and alone to having a family, a car and a prospective apartment. Tomorrow I go to sign the lease. The Mom Christ has restored me with’s father will be baptizing me. I can’t really put into words the joy that has set into my soul since I accepted Christ and invited His Spirit to dwell in me. All I can say is that if you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, eating disorders, self-harm or mental illness, there is hope found in Christ Jesus. /beloved/

transcendentwhispers

He has made a way for us Born for glory out of dust Children held within the arms of peace He has made a way for all Mercy waits where sinners fall He is our victory

Dear Laura, I am so proud of you. I’m so grateful that you have made this life-changing decision to follow Christ, be united with the Father and be led by the Spirit. This is the most important thing you will ever do. I know your past sins and struggles. I know you’ve felt unwanted and unworthy of His Love for so long - too long. Today, in your newfound freedom, I release you from all the anger I held against you. I remove the shackles of guilt, shame and fear you’ve had locked so tightly around your ankles, causing such pain in your day to day walking. You are FREE. Free to dance, to love, and to live. I forgive you. Always remember that nothing has the power to separate you from His great love for you. You can stop waging the battle against yourself now - stop trying to find your own restitution. It’s been done. For you. When Christ faced His death at Calvary, he set you free. He bled, suffered and died for you. It’s over!!!!! Go in peace. Sincerely, Laura /beloved/

abigailandlaura

“A Story”

—

The Girl No One Wanted

The story of Jacob, Rachel, and Leah, from Genesis 29-30

There were once two sisters. The youngest sister was very beautiful and her name was Rachel. But the oldest sister wasn’t beautiful at all (some thought her quite ugly), and her name was Leah. Rachel was the kind of girl who always gets invited to parties and chosen for the team. Everyone loved her. And poor Leah? No one hardly even noticed her.

One day, their cousin Jacob came to stay. He was one of Isaac’s sons and he was on the run. (Jacob had stolen and cheated and made some enemies- including his own brother- and now he was hiding.)

The funny thing is, Jacob- of all people- was the one God gave the special promise to, the same promise he had given his grandfather Abraham: “I will rescue the world through your family.” (But then God chooses people we least expect, as we’ll see).

Jacob stayed on a long time working for his Uncle Laban.

One day, Laban said, “Jacob, I’ve decided to pay you for your work. What do you want?” A sudden thought struck him. “How about one of my daughters?”

Jacob looked at Rachel and he looked at Leah. Who would he choose? Of course, he chose Rachel.

“I’ll work seven years for free!” Jacob said. “If I can marry Rachel.”

So Jacob worked seven years and, at last, his wedding day arrived.

But that night, Laban played a nasty trick on Jacob. Instead of sending Rachel to marry Jacob, he sent Leah. (Now in those days, they didn’t have electricity, so it was dark in their tent and, besides, women wore veils and you couldn’t see their faces properly. So Jacob suspected nothing.)

The next morning, Jacob woke up- and screamed. His new wife was lying beside him and it wasn’t Rachel-it was Leah. Jacob jumped out of bed. “Laban!” he cried. “You scoundrel!”

But Laban said, “Work for me another seven years and then you can marry Rachel.”

So Jacob worked another seven years and, at last, Rachel became his wife. Now Jacob had two wives, but of his two wives, Jacob loved Rachel the best.

“No one loves me," Leah said. "I’m too ugly.”

But God didn’t think she was ugly. And when he saw that Leah was not loved and that no one wanted her God chose her- to love her specifically, to give her a very important job. One day, God was going to rescue the whole world- through Leah’s family.

Now when Leah knew that God loved her, in her heart, suddenly it didn’t matter anymore whether her husband loved her the best, or if she was the prettiest. Someone had chosen her, someone did love her- with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.

So when Leah had a baby boy she called him Judah, which means, “This time I will praise the Lord!” And that’s just what she did.

And you’ll never guess what job God gave Leah. You see, when God looked at Leah, he saw a princess. And sure enough, that’s exactly what she became. One of Leah’s children’s children’s children would be a prince- the Prince of Heaven- God’s Son.

This Prince would love God’s people. They wouldn’t need for him to love them. He would love them with all of his heart. And they would be beautiful because he loved them.

Like Leah

redeemed2royalty

MercyMe - Grace Got You (Official Lyric Video)

walkingasbeloved

I love MercyMe’s new album Lifer so much. This song has been playing nonstop in my head since I first heard it.

This week has been amazing. Five days ago I was hired to work at a drug and alcohol rehab. ME. I’m exhausted, but I am so blessed. It seems that since I finally began to apply what I “knew” about God, my heart actually began to change (what a concept!). All this time I’ve been walking around with a head full of knowledge and a heart full of doubt. I reached a place where I hit my knees and said, “Lord, I can’t but I believe you can.” I do this every day now. And in that trust, that faith, there is freedom. “Whom the Lord sets free is free indeed.” -John 8:36 I also have to praise Him for His sometimes weird, but not mysterious (right, Mom?), ways. Throughout my childhood and on into my adulthood I searched and searched for someone to fill the void my mother left in my life. Because of her alcoholism and emotional unavailability, I spent a lot of my life walking in a constant state of agony. I desperately wanted her to love me, but she couldn’t. So then I began desperately wanting someone, any woman with the slightest maternal instincts, to love me. This led to more hurts, habits and hang ups in my life. It seemed that I kept choosing women I wanted to accept and love me that were in the same state of emotional unavailability my mother was in. They usually just hid it better. Or, I would become too much for them. I would scare them with my struggles of self-harm or overdose or attempt suicide or WHATEVER.....and they would just reach their limit. I am now able to look back, understand and forgive them - and myself. They did what they could with what they had and I believe they truly did care for me, they just didn’t know how to help me. Eleven years ago, in the midst of a lot of trials in my home life, I met a kind, compassionate, Christian woman whose husband worked with my father. She gave me rides to places and talked to me in the car when neither of my parents were able to get me to where I needed to be. I always looked up to her and loved her. I’d tell her about certain things I was battling and she would listen and pour God’s truth into my life. She emitted Sonshine into my life, whether she knew that or not. Then life happened. For no reason besides that we just didn’t see one another, or talk much for a few years. Going on two months ago, now, I was scrolling through my Facebook friends and saw her husband’s name. I sat there for a moment and thought about how much I wished I had told them about the abuse I faced from my father and mother. So I sent him a message. We spoke on the phone for a little while about the things I had gone through as a child and the things going on in my life presently. He told me to give his wife a call - that he was sure she would love to hear from me. He was right. Since then she and I have been in touch just about every day. She checks on me, she pours into me, she hugs me, prays for me, cries for and with me.....that Sonshine she naturally seems to carry around with her came back into my life. The difference between knowing her when I was a kid and knowing her as an adult is one really huge thing: I call her Mom. I hope that she sees this post and knows how much I love and appreciate her. She’s pretty great. But she would want to be sure that I mention one very important thing, and that is that if Christ weren’t in her things would be different. HE restored my need for a mother. HE is making ALL things new in my life. She is there because HE wants her to be. And that makes her, and Him, even more beautiful in my eyes. See How Much I Love You. /beloved/

Father, All I truly want is you. I want to be closer to you. I want people to see You when they see me. Every day I struggle with a war between wrong and right in my mind. A war between life and death. Addiction and sobriety. I’m so thankful that You send people in our lives who can pull us out of those moments when we are at risk of falling. I’m so grateful that you have given me a support system that points me to You and You only. Please give me the strength to continue to grow. Please hold my heart in Your hands and mold it to Your good and perfect will. Thank you for your goodness, grace, mercy, kindness and love. In Jesus’ Sweet Name Amen /beloved/

This song ♥️

The definition of recovery is “to take action toward that which was stolen or lost from you.”

The definition of restore is “to return (someone or something) to a former condition, place, or position.”

My God is a God of restoration and recovery. I see it playing out. I see it happening in my life every day. I sat down and made a list of all the blessings in my life today and as a whole. Things I thought I could never have are being woven into the tapestry of my life. I oftentimes get frustrated when all I can see is one small knot in one small thread. That’s when He challenges me to change my focus and shows me part of the whole picture.

He shows me His work in me. He shows me His work through me. He shows me...me. His masterpiece. /beloved/

Sometimes the panic sets in so quickly. Other times it creeps up. Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is hard. It’s confusing. It’s terrifying. BUT GOD. That’s the answer. And I’m working on and through it. /beloved/

Good morning, it’s Sunday! You know, something that I’m beginning to notice about myself is that the places that do the most for me, and the people that I love the most, are the ones I get most nervous around. I almost freeze. Which, at face value makes absolutely no sense. So I have started trying to look at what causes this paralysis. I know it’s fear, but what exactly am I afraid of? I think I’m afraid of love. I’m also addicted to trying to find it. Im not speaking of romantic love. I’m referring to the intimacy that comes from having a close friend in Christ. A mentor.....with maternal characteristics. God’s been revealing to me just how deep that lack of maternal bonding root reached. A flickering thought of my mother brings rage and deep sadness flooding to the surface. And fear. Oh, fear. This may be the most powerful emotion in my life. I’m afraid to be loved and I’m afraid not to be. I’m afraid to be accepted and afraid to be rejected. I’m terrified of abandonment yet can’t comprehend commitment. Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief.

I don’t necessarily have anything wise or insightful to end this thought with. All I know is that God is working something out in me, and it often doesn’t feel very good. Usually, what feels good in the immediate moment isn’t what lasts. It’s the pain we endure that changes us. Pain is required for healing. /beloved/

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