Best Kept Secret
chapter sixteen : absolution (RE-UPLOAD)
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pairing : bodyguard!Din Djarin x afab!princess!reader
rating : 18+ mdni
word count : 4.6k
summary : the reader attends a ball
warnings, etc. : language, angst
A/N : i had to change accounts so this is a re-upload of my ongoing fic bks!!
Thereâs a visceral sense of dread when you wake up, for several reasons.Â
The glaring obvious culprit of your discomfort would be the fact that todayâs your husband's birthday. The much more subtle one being the fact that it still sounds like someones revving a podracer out in the main room, clearly indicating to you that the Mandalorian is still asleep.Â
You should wake him.Â
The last thing you need is the girls coming in to find him in your bed.    Â
So you sit up, trying to stretch as quietly as possible before getting up and making your way out.
There are a lot of questions milling about in our mind right now, the most prominent one regarding his memory of last night.
Will he remember what he said?
Will you tell him if he doesnât?Â
He seemed pretty out of it, and even if he did recall his words would he even address them?
He has to. He canât just do that to you. It doesnât matter how tired he is, he doesnât get to toy with you like this.
So you step into the main room.Â
How is it possible to look so serious while sleeping yet sound so ridiculous?Â
You make your way to his side of the bed, gently shaking his shoulder.Â
âMando, you need to get up.â You mumble, still trying to wake up your own brain.
Heâs unmoving. His snores are as consistent as ever as you reach down to grab both of his shoulders, shaking him much less gently.
âGet up, the girls are gonna be here any min-â
You donât even get a chance to scream as youâre flipped onto the bed. In the blink of an eye heâs got you shoved into the mattress. The wind gets knocked out of you, on instinct your hands go to take a defensive position in front of you but theyâre pinned into the sheets, his body on all fours hovering above yours.Â
Neither of you speaks for a moment as he seems to still be waking up, your eyes wide as you stare up at him.Â
ââŠItâs just me.â You manage to squeak out through your shock and his grip on your wrists immediately loosens. Before he has a chance to react further thereâs a single knock at the door signifying that Elaine and Lysa have arrived and as the door swings open you both move too quickly and your forehead knocks against his helmet as you struggle to get out from under him which subsequently sends you off the edge of the bed.
You canât help but think that this morning canât possibly get worse.Â
Of course it does though because youâre you and for some reason the Maker loves to see you suffer.Â
You grab onto him for support before you go tumbling off the mattress and of course he goes off of it with you and of course he twists himself so he hits the ground first.Â
Normally youâd be touched by the fact that his natural instinct was to protect you, but you donât really have a chance to because the wind is knocked out of you for the second time this morning as your chest slams against his when his back hits the ground.Â
The girls walk in on the scene youâve found yourself in and their chatter immediately goes silent.Â
Your first thought as you get your bearings is, at least you arenât on the bed anymore.Â
But you canât help but wish youâd stayed like that as you realize the position youâre in now. Your thighs straddle his waist and heâs holding you against him as you both groan in pain.Â
You both turn to look at the girls in sync, Lysa has a look of horror on her face and Elaine simply shakes her head as she grabs the other girl's arm, dragging her out of the room in silence before slamming the door shut.Â
You stare at the Mandalorian underneath you once theyâre gone. You must look like a tomato with how red your face has become.
Before you can make it any worse he silently grabs you by the waist and lifts you off of him, setting you down next to him, neither of you daring to move further until he clears his throat.Â
âAre you alright?â He sounds as embarrassed as you feel.
âYeah, just a little shaken up.â You whisper back. He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly.Â
âI didnât mean to, Iâm not used to being-â
âI know. Itâs okay.â
It makes you a bit sad. What a life he must have known to have reacted like that when being woken up. To immediately be under the assumption that someone is going to hurt him.
He spends all of his time protecting you but who protects him?Â
Before you have any more time to wallow in that realization heâs on his feet and pulling you to yours.Â
You open your mouth to say something, anything, but heâs already heading for the door and you donât bother trying to stop him as he goes, leaving the door open for the girls to come back in. As they step back into the room cautiously you watch him lean against the opposite wall before Elaine closes the door.Â
They both stare at you expectantly but you donât have any words. No sense in lying and the truth sounds like a lie so you just keep your mouth shut.Â
When they realize you arenât going to explain yourself they sit you at the vanity, Elaine takes a brush to your hair as Lysa hurries off to the closet, she looks more mortified than you do.Â
You frown at the mirror and watch as Elaine stifles a laugh.
âIt isnât funny.â You grumble as she continues brushing your hair.
âOf course it isnât, my lady.â She dons an expression of mock seriousness as you turn around to glare at her.
âNothing happened, he was just sleeping.â Before the words even leave your mouth you know they must sound absurd as she chokes back another laugh.
âIâm sure he was maâam.â She turns your head back towards the mirror and you donât bother arguing further.Â
Lysa returns from the closet with a dress youâre sure youâve never seen before and you canât help but gawk at it.Â
Itâs gorgeous. You swear you havenât seen it there before, itâs a beautiful champagne ball gown, she sets it carefully onto the bed. Â
âShall we go to the fresher? Weâve already drawn your bath my lady.â Elaine takes you by the arm and leads you out of the room. The Mandalorian looks like heâs managed to pull himself together as the girls lead you to the fresher down the hall. He follows closely behind, only halting when you arrive, thank gods he stays outside when the girls usher you in.Â
They carefully strip you of your nightgown and Lysa leads you to the tub. Once youâre settled they prepare to take their leave.Â
âYouâll need to see to it that you are properly clean, my lady, youâll want to look your best for tonight, can I get you anything before we leave to continue your preparations?â Elaine cocks an eyebrow as Lysa hurries out, still not making eye contact with you. âDonât worry about her.â Elaine winks and you frown at the implication.
âJust a book if Iâm going to be here for a while I suppose.âÂ
She nods.
âRight away, my lady. And shall I send the Mandalorian in when I take my leave?â
âElaine!â You shriek as she leaves, snickering until the door is shut, leaving you to stare, embarrassed, into the bubbles.Â
After you have to sit in your shame for a few minutes she returns with a smirk, handing you some raunchy romance novel which you take with a scowl before she leaves without a word.Â
You soak in the tub for quite some time. You get through a good third of the book by the time the girls come to get you.Â
If you thought they spent too much time dressing you on a normal day that was nothing compared to today. Hours of doing absolute nonsense to your body. They rub unfamiliar oils into your hair and skin, pluck at stray hairs and spend an obscene amount of time deciding what jewelry would look best with the dress.Â
You try to find a time to talk to Mando but everytime you think youâll get the chance one of the girls whisks you away for another unfamiliar skin care regimen until you feel scrubbed and raw.Â
They quite literally do this the entire day. By the time theyâre done the sun is setting outside your window and you know the ball is going to begin soon. They lace you into the gown. It really is a work of art with its long flowing skirt and the way it hugs your torso. A beaded pattern runs up the front like vines. The color of it reminds you of the way Elaine makes your tea and caf, a light cream color.Â
They decided on pearls. Simple and elegant strings of pearls around your neck and wrists. You stop them as they go to do your hair.Â
âCan we leave it down? I like it the way it is.â You stare at yourself in the mirror.Â
You look nice. Really nice.
Like you.
âIt looks good like that.â Lysa speaks up, seemingly sheâs recovered from earlier.Â
âIf you need anything at all, do not be afraid to call for us, my lady.â Elaine says as she smiles at you before they make their way out.Â
âElaine?âÂ
âYes, princess?â She turns to face you, Lysa on her arm.
âSend the Mandalorian in please.â She doesnât hide her smirk.
âRight away, my lady.â
Theyâre gone and youâre left alone for a few moments as you admire their work in the mirror until you hear the door softly creak open. He doesnât speak as he enters, closing the door behind him, you smooth out the front of your gown with your hands before turning to face him.
âCan we talk about last night?â You try not to sound like youâre begging but in all honesty if thatâs what it takes to get him to talk youâll do it.
âThereâs nothing to talk about.â His voice is cold and unfeeling. You hate it.Â
âPlease donât do this.â You close your eyes. You give him a moment, a chance to say something, but he never speaks so you take a deep breath before marching towards the door, heâs hot on your heels.
âPrincess, please, just wait-â He tries to shut the door but you yank it open.
âIâm sick of waiting, Iâm not doing this again, now let's go before weâre late.â You snap at him before taking off towards the main hall, the sounds of music and chatter already filling the castle.Â
He doesnât try to stop you again.
You walk until you see a line of people entering the hall, all of them clearing a path for you, as you step into the noisy, bright room youâre immediately overwhelmed. A man immediately to your left loudly announces:
âPrincess Harand.â
You cringe slightly at the name as you stare out into the crowded hall.
There's way more people than you had expected. If it werenât for his tasteless electric blue suit you wouldnât even know where to begin to look for Kodo. Is it literally glowing? It looks like the jacket is literally glowing.
You have to shimmy your way through the crowd to get to him, eventually, once people see the Mandalorian they start clearing a path. He always stays just a few steps behind.
Get to Kodo, wish him a happy birthday, have a few drinks, make sure people see you, then get out. Itâs easy enough.
When you finally make it to Kodo you can hear him saying something vulgar loudly to a group of men, many of whom you recognize from that terrible dinner a few moons back. A fair amount of them take a step back as you approach with the Mandalorian.Â
It disgusts you to do so but you lean in to give Kodo a chaste kiss on the cheek.
âHappy birthday, my prince.â You give him the best smile you can muster considering the fact that he repulses you and youâre already in a sour mood because of Mando.
âThereâs my little mouse! Iâve been waiting for you!â He wraps the arm that isnât currently nursing a drink around your waist as he pulls you in for a sloppy, drunken kiss. You manage to pull away from it quickly and resist the urge to wipe your mouth. He holds you at his side for a disappointing amount of time. Dragging you around like an accessory or perhaps a show dog for everyone to see, never even directly speaking to you. That is until about an hour and a half into your time at the ball, he leans in to whisper to you, his breath hot on your ear.
âSay, little mouse, what do you reckon the Mandalorians type is?âÂ
The abruptness of his question makes your blood run cold.
Married women? Princesses?
You struggle to come up with an answer for a brief moment until he drunkenly slurs in your ear again.
âIâd like to give him the night off, maybe give him a girl for the evening.â
The thought makes you sick.Â
Of course, maybe the Mandalorian would want that sort of thing. But you want no part of it if that is the case so you give Kodo a weak smile as you eye Mando, still standing behind you, certainly listening in to this conversation.
âI have no idea, dear husband.â You whisper back.Â
Almost as if on cue the doors are pulled open and you see exactly what Elaine meant when she said that this party would get rowdy as the night went on. What must be dozens of girls are ushered into the room and Kodo immediately releases his grip on your waist.Â
âRun along now little mouse, perhaps go get yourself some refreshments.â He doesnât even bother to look at you as he says it, his eyes trained on the women as they make their way over to him. Birthday boy must get to pick first you think as you roll your eyes, making your way over to a table with drinks, gulping down a glass of wine. As you look around the room you canât help but laugh dryly.
It seems like all the other wives have been dismissed.Â
You sip on another glass of wine as you watch Kodo pick out three girls.
Ambitious.
You want to laugh again but you donât get the chance to as Kodo points behind him and see him leading one of the girls towards Mando.
You hadnât even realized he wasnât with you, Kodo must have told him to stay.Â
Sheâs pretty.Â
It makes your stomach churn as her fingers trace his chest plate and you canât look anymore as she starts whispering to him. You look back to your husband whose tongue is already down another woman's throat.
That should bother you more, but you feel nothing as you stare.
Yet when you look at Mando simply speaking to the beautiful woman before him your heart clenches.Â
So you stop looking, instead you shove yourself through the crowds until you make your way out of the party.Â
Struggling to catch your breath as you stumble through the hallway, kicking your heels off and rushing towards the door you know will take you to the gardens. Desperate for air.Â
You donât hear his footsteps coming up behind you. You donât even see him until youâre outside the castle, marching towards the forest trail.Â
âPrincess, please.â You hear the crackle of the modulator but ignore it as you continue stomping barefoot across the grounds. He catches up easily, he reaches for you but you swat his hand away.
âGo back inside, Iâm sure that girl is waiting for you.â You snarl before continuing to make your way into the trees. You arenât exactly sure what the goal is here but you just know that you need to get as far away from the castle as possible.Â
âDonât do that, you know I didnât ask for that.â He pleads as you turn around to face him, hiking your skirt up a bit.
âYou seemed bored and she seemed to be entertaining you just fine.â You hiss, before turning back around and continuing your hasty trek until you finally reach the gardens, settling near a few trees as you look up at the moon.
Whatâs the plan now that youâre here?
Youâd kind of assumed that he wouldnât follow you yet here he is, moonlight reflecting off of his armor.Â
âGo back to her, Iâm sure youâll have a much better time there than you will here.â You grumble as he stands behind you, dutifully as ever.
âI dismissed her. Obviously.â His tone is snarky and his breath sounds shallow as you turn around to better assess him.
Heâs panting. Itâs a bit surprising considering heâs so rarely out of breath, heâs never struggled to keep up with you previously and in instances of stress he rarely sounds winded.
Yet right now his chest heaves under his armor and he sounds as if he has been chasing you his entire life and has only just now caught up.
âWhat is wrong with you? You sound as though you have followed me across the planet, not out into the gardens.â You scold him as you lean against one of the trees. Sick of playing this endless game with him as his head falls back in exasperation.Â
âThis is what happens when one aches as I have ached.â He growls back, taking a step towards you and pointing an accusatory finger in your direction.Â
âYou⊠ache?â Your brows are furrowed in confusion at his choice of words as you scoff.Â
âYes.â He drops his hand to his side as he sighs.Â
âI donât- I donât understand.â You stand up straighter as your gaze softens a bit, he sounds so dejected.
His helmet faces you with such severity that it is as if there isnât a layer of steel between you. Itâs as if youâre staring directly into each other's eyes.Â
Itâs quiet. The only sounds are his heavy breathing and the occasional sound of bugs buzzing through the leaves of the greenery around you. The modulator crackles every so often like heâs trying to figure out what to say but just canât seem to find the words. Every so often heâll stutter out the start of a sentence and then stop.
You donât walk away this time.Â
And you donât chastise him.Â
Instead you let him figure it out as you stare at him, unable to keep the sympathetic look off your face as you try to come off as stern.Â
You give him time, he watches you as you watch the moon.Â
After several minutes he seems to settle into a calm so you look back into the visor.Â
He sighs, and when he does speak his voice is low and hoarse.
âI ache. Day and night, my flesh, my bones, and my mind ache.â
Your breath catches in your throat.
He takes a step towards you.
âI ache in your presence, I ache when we are apart and the only thing that soothes the agony within me is to be the object of your attention. I cannot so much as breathe without being wounded by you. You have buried yourself so deeply within my very being that I cannot escape you. There is not a blade in this galaxy that is sharp enough to carve out the mark you have left inside of me.â His voice doesnât tremble, he doesnât so much as stutter as he speaks now.Â
You have to look away. You donât know how itâs possible for someone wearing a helmet to have such an intense gaze but you canât bear to see it anymore as you stare at the ground.Â
âYou donât mean that. You canât possibly mean that.â Is all you manage to mumble, your mind racing almost as fast as your heart as he takes another step towards you, heâs within arms reach of you but he makes no move to touch you yet.
âI could leave right now. Pack up my things and fly to the furthest outer rim planet I can find, spend the rest of my days alone, and every second of my existence would still be spent wondering if you are okay, what you are doing, and if you are happy.â
He brings his hand up to rest under your chin, tilting your head up to face him once more before dropping it to his side again.
âThey could drag me away right now, lock me up, bind me in steel in the deepest cell the castle dungeon has to offer. They could torture me for things Iâve done to you, for the things I yearn to do to you, and I would live out the rest of my days hoping that my imprisonment does not inconvenience you.âÂ
He takes one more step forward. Youâre certain youâre trembling at this point, his voice drips with a level of devotion that you cannot begin to fathom. Heâs close enough now that if you listen carefully enough you can hear his real voice behind the helmet along with the modulated version, unfiltered and raw.
âYou could force me to my knees right now, make me renounce my creed, tear my helmet from my head, and lay me bare for your judgment. And all I would do is pray that my face is up to your standards.âÂ
His breathing is labored as he stares down at you.
There is no air of falsehood to his words yet you canât seem to accept them.Â
You want nothing more than to believe everything he is saying but you just canât bring yourself to, as you stare right back up at him.
âWhy should I believe that? Why should I believe a word that comes out of your blasphemous mouth when I donât even know who Iâm talking to?â You can feel your anger bubbling to the surface.
He doesnât seem to have a response and youâre getting fired up so you donât bother waiting for him this time.
âWhy should I believe that this is not a trick? That you are not simply toying with me to get me into your bed?â You jab a finger into his chest plate as you say it.Â
He doesnât so much as move an inch.
âEvery hour I find that I am speaking to a new version of you, why should I believe that this version, the version that aches will not be gone just as quickly as the others?â Your voice is strained as you continue to berate him, the part of you that longs to believe his every word is creeping into your mind as you try desperately to shove it away. âI donât even know which one Iâm speaking to now, so who is it Mando?âÂ
He takes another step forward and you shove him back this time. You know you arenât actually strong enough to move him so youâre grateful for the fact that he takes a step back on his own.Â
âI know Iâve been cruel to you and Iâm sorry, you think it doesnât bring me shame to know that Iâve hurt you?â His voice carries that gentle tone that always manages to soothe you, the one he reserves just for you, except this time it does nothing to put you at ease.
âIt brings you shame? Imagine how I feel. You do not know what it is to ache as I have, you are one of the only good things I have left and I don't even know what you are. So tell me Mando, who have you decided to be today? My bodyguard? My lover? Perhaps you would like to be my rival today, or maybe even my friend?â You feel your eyes growing misty as you fight to keep what little composure you have left. âSpit it out! Which Mando have you decided to be today? Iâd love to know who Iâm talking to, which one have you decided to be? Who are you Mando?â
âDin.â
âWhat?â
âRight now Iâm Din.âÂ
It takes a moment for it to register in your brain. And when it does there isnât room for anger anymore, and there isnât room for confusion. Thereâs only room for him, heâs taking up all the space.Â
Din.Â
âIs that okay?â His voice is barely a whisper.
Just Din.
You donât want to be mad at Din.
âYes.â
âIâm sorry. For everything.â
âItâs okay.â
âIt isnât though.â
âDin is enough, for now.â
You want to take his hand, something, anything to comfort him, to let him know that for now itâs okay, but before you get the chance you feel leather covering your eyes. His hand presses gently against the top half of your face and your vision goes dark.Â
And then you hear the hiss of air.Â
You let out a small gasp and as you do his lips are on yours. Warm, soft, and needy.Â
Youâve read hundreds of kisses. Every one of your little romance novels has them. Theyâre always rough, desperate and electric. Thatâs always how theyâre described. Like an electric shock.
This isnât that.Â
This is familiar, and sweet, quite literally his mouth tastes like vanilla. (If thatâs even possible.) It crosses your mind that this is probably his first kiss but it certainly doesnât feel like it. As his lips fit against yours like they were made to. As if he were forged just for you. His kiss feels like he wants to melt into you, like heâd be content to do just this for the rest of his life.
But most importantly, it soothes the ache.
He doesnât pull away, he breathes into you. His mouth is persistent against yours, his stubble scratching against your chin. When you bring your hands up to cup his face you realize heâs holding his helmet up just enough to expose everything below his nose. You settle for resting them on his shoulders instead.Â
He doesnât ask for more.
Just this.
He doesnât push for anything other than his lips on yours and it gives you a strange feeling of safety.Â
And itâs over too soon.Â
He pulls away and before youâre ready for it to end you hear air hissing again and his hand moves from your eyes to cradle your cheek.
Youâre staring at Beskar, as if he never even took it off in the first place.
âWas that okay?â He sounds almost self-conscious and you canât help but smile.
âMore than okay.â You murmur as his thumb caresses your face.
âI will make it up to you. For everything I did, I will find a way to make it up to you.âÂ
âOkay, Din.â You say softly as he reaches down to take your hand.Â
âNo more days, no more rules, and no more games. Just you.â You let him bring your hand up to rest on the steel of his helmet. âIâll make it up to you sarad.â He holds your hand there for a moment before taking a step back. âI have an idea.â
It feels too good to be true. All of this, and something in the back of your mind tries to remind you of that fact but you push it away.Â
âI want you to know me, is that okay?âÂ
You nod.
He holds his hand out to you.Â
You take his hand. You take Dinâs hand.
âWould you like to see my cabin saradâika?âÂ
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