teacher. artist. writer

Former teacher. Struggling artist. B*llsh*t writer. Lost soul.

[wanderaerrrr]

Looking for writing buddies

Are you a lost writer too? If yes, then let's be writing buddies and help each other get back to doing what we used to love! Send me a private message and let's talk about it! You may also check out this post for more details about this project. https://wanderaengwriter.wordpress.com/2020/04/13/why-i-dont-write-anymore-and-what-i-want-to-do-about-it/

[wanderaerrrr]

I just want to cease to exist.

[wanderaerrrr]

This is what happens when you don’t make an outline before writing. 😅

[wanderaerrrr]

"Baliw yun. Yung mga may depression baliw sila. Kung anu-ano iniisip, di ba baliw tawag dun? Yung isa ko ngang kakilala, ang yaman-yaman tapos depressed. Wala na nga siyang problema depressed pa sya. O e di baliw nga sya. Baliw nga ang depressed."

And they wonder why I don't tell them things. It's because I'm crazy.

[wanderaerrrr]

At 25

We were given 9 months to develop inside our mothers’ wombs. During this stay, we had to let our organs develop to be ready for the outside world. After 9 months, we were on our own.

In a month (from birth), we were expected to vocalize. In 3 months, we were expected to push our head up when we were on our stomach. In 4 months, we were expected to respond to other people with squealing or laughter. In 7 months, we were expected to respond to our name. In 9 months, we were expected to sit without support, crawl, and babble. In 12 months, we were expected to walk on our own, say a word, and mimic other people.

In a year and 6 months, we were expected to say at least 15 words, drink from a cup, walk independently, and know our body parts.

At 2 years old, we were expected to run and jump, speaks in two-word sentences, follow simple instructions, and play make-believe. This was when we first started believing that we could be something.

At 3 years old,  we were expected to climb well, speak in multi-word sentences, and to recognize shape and color patterns.

At 4 years old, we were expected to socialize with people outside the family, draw circles and squares, and rides a tricycle.

At 5 years old, we were expected to tell name and address, jump, hop, and skip, dress (on our own), and count 10 or more objects. This was the time that some of us would start to go to school.

From 7-12 years old, we were expected to learn how to read and comprehend stories, write about ourselves, memorize our history, know about music, arts, and physical education, multiply, divide, add, and subtract numbers up to 9 digits, and understand how earth and its living things came to be. This was the time when we started to lose time to play, and to rest.

From 13-16 years old, we were expected to know about world history, economics, current events, biology, chemistry, environmental science, and physics, read and comprehend novels and expository texts, write essays, and multiply, divide, add, and subtract rational and irrational, and real and imaginary numbers. This was the time that we were expected to know who we are and what we want to be.

From 17-20 (or more for some) years old, we were expected to hone our crafts, master skills, socialize, study, and finish on time. This was the time that would make or break who we would be in years to come.

At 21, we were expected to land a good job and to start earning for ourselves.

At 25, we have to be someone. We have to have our own house, a stable job, and a monthly income that is double or triple the minimum wage. At 25, we are expected to be soaring. At 25, we are not allowed to explore. At 25, we have to know who we are. At 25, we forget that 5 years ago, we are students just starting to develop our craft. At 25, we are not allowed to make mistakes, only wise decisions. At 25, we forget that we are still learning, growing, because at 25, if you are not somebody, then you are a failure.  At 25, we forget that we are only 25.

I am only 22, turning 23 in a few months and yet I am not allowed to make mistakes, only wise decisions. At 22 (almost 23), I forget that I am only 22.

I wish I can remember. I wish you can remember. We are right on track - making mistakes, learning from our mistakes, making bad decisions, making good decisions, trying opportunities, and failing, most importantly failing. For in failure, we grow. In our 20′s, we are allowed to fail. Our failure will not defined by this failure. What we do with what we learn is what defines us. In our 20′s, work hard, but do not forget to enjoy life. 

So that 10 years from now, regardless of whoever you are when you are 31 (or in your 30′s), you can tell yourself, “I lived a life. I am alive. And I will continue living because that is what life is for.”

SOURCE: Rauh, S. (2006). Is Your Baby on Track? Retrieved July 6, 2018, from https://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/features/is-your-baby-on-track#1 

[wanderaerrrr]

He asked me to listen to this song by Ben&Ben. Its title is Leaves. He said that this song reminds him of me. Whenever we talk, he would always mention what happened in the past. He couldn't let it go. Now, we haven't had any communication since Sunday. This time, I want him to listen to this and recall why it reminds him of me. Maybe, just maybe, it will help him remember me. 😿

[iampolrodriguez-deactivated2018]

Table Manners

i. Don’t you find it rather disrespectful that you never washed your hands before you touched me?

ii. Don’t take what you cannot eat. Don’t eat what you cannot swallow. Don’t force food into your body. Don’t force a person into your heart.

iii. Eyes on your food. It prevents you from swallowing your own words in front of my parents.

iv. Keep it clean. Avoid accidentally dropping someone you used to love; avoid leaving stains in the tablecloth.

v. Take your time. I don’t mean slowly tear the flesh piece by piece, break every promise, rip every vein from my heart as if it never learned how to love you.

I meant take your time. Gently chew every lie you make, so you don’t choke on them and lose your breath, so you won’t soon beg for a glass of forgiveness to soothe your throat.

vi. I know how much you hate it when the bitterness clings on your tongue, when the roughness cuts your lips, but you have to eat the greens if you want to live long enough to keep me.

You can’t expect to be served an entire dish on your table, then separate a part from the whole, choose what you can and cannot eat, as if you did not see the inclusions of the dish on the menu.

You knew my flaws even before you held my hand; so don’t you dare tell me you’re letting go because of my scars.

vii. Don’t speak. Don’t speak when your mouth is full of shit.

viii. You left me empty. I hope you’re full.

[wanderaerrrr]

Trabaho o ang mahal mo?

Hindi ko akalain na dadating ako sa puntong ito - na tatanungin ko pala ang sarili ko ng trabaho o ang mahal mo?

Ang daling sabihin na mahal ko ang pipiliin ko kasi ‘yon naman talaga ang totoo. Pero totoo ring kahit siya naman ang piliin ko, hindi ko rin kayang iwanan ang trabaho ko.

Hindi dahil sa pera. Hindi dahil sa posisyon. Mas lalong hindi dahil sa boss. Kundi dahil sa mga estudyante ko. Isa akong guro.

May siyam akong estudyante. Karamihan sa kanila ay mahigit isang taon ko ng tinuturuan. Karamihan sa kanila ay mga batang sinukuan na ng magulang kaya iniiwan na lang sa amin. Alam ko namang hindi sobrang laki ng partisipasyon ko sa buhay nila at alam ko ring hindi naman ako magiging kawalan kung iwan ko sila. Pero kung karamihan sa kanila’y alam na ang pakiramdam ng sinukuan ng mga taong dapat sana’y nand’yan lagi para sa kanila,  ayoko na sanang dumagdag sa mga taong ‘yun. Ayoko sanang iparamdam na sinukuan ko na rin sila. Kasi hindi. Pero pagod na pagod na ko.

Madalas na lang naming pinagtatalunan ang trabaho ko at ang stress na nadudulot nito sa akin. Lalo pa’t kahit na nasa bakasyon kaming dalawa ay trabaho pa rin ang gumugulo sa isipan ko.

Hindi naman kasi yung pagtuturo ang nagdadala ng sobrang stress kundi yung mga tao sa paligid ko. Magulong pamamahala, magulong boss, supervisor na puro utos, hindi maipaliwanag ng mga requirements, at hindi makatotohanang deadlines. Ilan lang yan sa mga dahilan kung bakit kahit na rest day, nagtatrabaho ako at umiiyak.

Ilang beses na rin niyang nakita na umiiyak ako dahil dito. Alam niya rin ang lahat ng nangyayari sa trabaho dahil madalas nama’y kinukwento ko ito sa kanya. Ilang beses na rin niyang sinabing umalis na ko. Ilang beses ko na ring ipinaliwanag na hindi gano’n kadali ‘yon. Hindi niya ko naiintindihan. Hindi ko siya iniintindi. Hanggang sa lahat ng usapan nami’y nauuwi na sa hindi pagkakaintindihan.

Pagod na pagod na ko.Gusto ko na lang sumuko sa kanilang lahat para sa katahimikan. Pero hindi ko kayang sukuan ang mga estudyante ko at ayoko nang mawala siya sa buhay ko. Pero paano?

Hindi na niya ko kinakausap. Napagod na ata syang kasama ako. Pero hindi ko siya masisi kasi kahit ako, napapagod na rin sa sarili ko.

Kailangan ko lang masulat ito dahil hindi rin ako makapagtrabaho ngayon kaiisip sa kung paano ba namin maaayos ‘yung kami. 

Iiiyak ko na lang muna ang lahat ng ito. Kailangan ko munang isantabi ang nararamdaman ko kasi kailangan ko nang tapusin ang trabaho ko.

(Abril 12, 2018 | 1:05 AM)

[wanderaerrrr]

Tried coloring a drawing in Photoshop

[wanderaerrrr]

[wanderaerrrr]

I have to be constantly reminded to do this. It's becoming harder and harder to do this. Maybe I have to stop and think whether the stress from this job is worth it. But, how do I know that it's not?

[wanderaerrrr]

He has been my safe place since way back when. He has always been the one person who (not understand because I'm quite hard to understand) stayed despite of everything. And he will never know about this because I'm not really good at telling him how I feel. Hahaha. To the one who stayed, then got away, then returned, and stayed, I love you. I really do, even when I don't say it that much. 😉

[wanderaerrrr]

The only way I expressed myself creatively in college. Every cover was handmade except for my notebook in first year and fourth year second semester.

[wanderaerrrr]

“Keep calm, she’s not worth the stress.”

Don’t let other people stress you out. Especially if it’s an unnecessary stress. You don’t deserve it. You deserve to be happy. Remember that.

[wanderaerrrr]

Picture Perfect

Last December, I went to Vigan with some friends. Everywhere we went, everybody’s taking pictures. Well, everybody except me. When I went home, my brother asked to see photos that I took. I said I didn’t take any, and he was a little bit frustrated. 

He said, “bakit hindi (why didn’t you)?”

“Bakit (why)”, I asked.

“Sayang naman nando’n ka na e (what a waste. you were already there.)”

“Kung gusto ko lang pala ng pictures, e di sana nag-google na lang ako (had I just wanted to have pictures of Vigan, then I should have just googled it).”

I’m not fond of taking pictures. It is very evident with the conversation that I had with my brother. I like taking in the view, and scrutinizing it with my own lens - my eyes. It is something that most people have and yet, don’t use. Most are now obsessed of the perfect shot that they forget this tiny detail - we have eyes to see.

People are obsessed with getting the best angle, best lighting, and the best shot. Everywhere you look, you will see people looking through their phones or through their cameras.

Seeing through your phone and through your camera are both seeing, yes. But, is capturing the view or the moment more important than being there and experiencing that moment? I ask myself this question whenever I visit places. I wonder whether these people (who are taking pictures) still feel the moment. I wonder what they really see. I wonder if they still the magic of the moment.

What are they really looking at? Are they really seeing what’s happening or are they more concerned about how great the picture will be? 

People are more focused on preserving the memory that they forget to experience it. It’s always, wait let me take a picture. Be it a sunset, a sunrise, a sea of clouds, an ocean, a wedding, a party, or whatever it is you are seeing or experiencing in that moment, people feel the need to preserve it. Can you really preserve the fading of the day, or the heat of the rising sun, or the coldness of the air, or the smell of the sea, the love, and the excitement of these moments? I understand the importance of keeping the memories because sometimes, they are all that we have, but I also know that we should be there. We should be living the moment. We should be present in the moment.

I say this because sometimes, I feel like people are not in the moment anymore. Sometimes, I feel like people forget what it is to be living anymore.

Technology makes it easier to go back to these memories. Technology also makes it easier to just go back to these memories. When you look at a picture, can you feel the warmth of the sun? Or the love of the person that you were with in that moment? Some photographs are so good that you can see the love or the light so well, but seeing and feeling are two different things. I want you to ask yourself, can you still feel that moment?

Stop and look around you. What do you see? Then, ask yourself, what does it make you feel?

I respect people’s need to capture the moment. If it is something that makes you happy, as long as you don’t hurt anyone, go for it. But, I also want them to stop and feel the moment. We are, after all, human beings and we are known to have emotions. We have feelings. We need to feel. We need to live.

Let’s feed our senses with all the possible sensations that a moment can bring. Take it all in. Stop and take it all in. After some time, if you still feel the need to capture it, go and do. No one’s stopping you because you can finally tell yourself that you’ve taken it all in. You have been in that moment and now, you are keeping the moment. Go keep the moment. ▪

[wanderaerrrr]

[wanderaerrrr]

Can We Still Be (Just) Friends?

We can’t do this game anymore, but can we still be friends? Things just can’t go on like before, but can we still be friends? (Can We Still Be Friends?)

I’m starting to think that it really is impossible for us to be just friends. 

Do friends just randomly hold your hand and never let go? Do friends just hug you so tight not wanting to let you go? Do friends just steal kisses from you? Do friends keep you for themselves not wanting anyone to be with you?

What are we?