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im tired of my girlfriend

Anonymously ask me "What if..."

How to have a trust in a relationship?

Its very uso na these days to have a situationship noh? like even at mid 20s, people are still in a situationship? like how dumb can they be? i mean, how dumb can WE be? are we that fucking traumatized before in our past relationships that we're really scared of commitment? was is commitment that we are scared of or are we dont just really wanna commit? theres a BIIIIGGG diff between those two eh.

After 2 years of finding my peace, i stumbled (STUMBLED????) with a person that i thought na one night stand lang. but somehow, as cliche as it sounds, naging workmates kami here in my town. she has a boyfriend pa nun so i was like hmmm pass. never gonna workout with a cheater.

but come november 2023, we started talking like real talk and did the deed. it was pure casual back then but this fucking boang, asked for a CUDDLE??? A FUCKING CUDDLE? AFTER FUCKING??? my fault that i cuddled her. hear me out muna. she was sad and as much as i want to shoo her away bc im not really into cuddling esp for fubus or ONSs, i cant because she seemed so vulnerable that time. and the tanga in me cuddled her for more than an hour until she felt okay.

after that, idk, but something shifted in our relationship. we talked almost everyday. doing videocalls till 1am. i was like, hmmm. maybe i should give it a shot? malay mo, diba?

we talked for more than 3 months already and suddenly, i saw that she and her ex was still talking. nothing sweet tho but like theyre still talking. i was kinda hesitant nun to continue the situationship because i got insecure in our relationship that time.

they had a 2 year relationship and she was really happy daw with him when they were still together but they broke up because they guy got married. then after that, i saw that she still had their pictures together sa locked gallery nya and there was a dick pic in there HAHAHAH. she said it was nothing daw but idk if that were me then i wouldve delated it if naka move on na ako, diba? yet again, the tanga in me forgave her.

lately, ive been a toxic boyfriend like not trusting her and always doubting her almost all the time. its kinda unfair for her because i know shes doing her best but im asking for more assurance pa kasi.

plus our boss is hitting on her pa. giving lots of gifts tapos with food pa. while writing this, i was kinda realizing our shitty relationship AHAHAH

i wont talk that much na because im realizing things already. this relationship wont ever work. the trust was broken.

back to the question,

How to have trust in a relationship?

#relationship #trust #trustissues #p #rants

Being Not Straight in the Dating World is SOOOOOOOOO Tiring

first of all, im bisexual, so i think im allowed to say that. dont bash me. but for reals, being gay and finding someone to love is so tiring and sometimes, it really triggers some things.

last week, i told my bestfriend that maybe im just really built to be straight and love a woman. it doesnt really bother me that much but like i also want to feel loved by a man. (bisexuality is really weird tbh).

when youre gay and you want to have a really good love life, you need to be this suupppeeerrrr hot masculine guy that doesnt show any affection to them for you to be likable. you need to be light skinned, has muscles, tall, and well, of course, handsome. i also realized that most of them dont really look for love actually. they just want to look for some fun and play with fire. im not opposed to that tho bc duh who does want a commitment now a days but yeah. super hirap bro. the standards are to high for a guy like me.

so yeah, prolly im just going to take the straight path and just dream forever of having a non-straight relationship to save myself.

“Dito ka na lang habambuhay”

I was reading when suddenly Bawat Piyesa played. It reminded me of someone I just pushed away recently. This was our favorite song back then. Its been more than a year when I got hurt and since then, i built a wall thats too high and too strong. I think that I’ve moved on and im not bitter anymore but nothing bloomed since that breakup. I went out with a lot people after that but it ended quickly. People after people that i cant return back their feelings. I know im really a jerk but idk this is me now. I dont know what “love” means to me anymore. I cringe when someone tells me that they have feelings for me. Idk man. I think i got really fucked up by you, Bub. Damn.

im starting to forget my father’s voice

my father died 5 years ago and his life was ended by 6 bullets. we’re not really close because he was not a typical good father. but i just recently realized why he behaved like that and i was really disappointed with myself because i didnt really tried to understand him when he was still alive.

i miss him. i dont have someone to call a father anymore. i dont have his name anymore on my contacts. the only thing that makes me remember him was the memories he left. but those memories sometimes become blurry and his face is all i can remember. i cant remember his voice anymore. it kinda sucks actually because i hated his voice when he was still alive because all he did was to shout at me. im not taking it against him because now, i understand already that he was still young when he had me. he was still not ready to be a father and i know that he still wanted to explore his life.

i miss calling him. i miss when he cooks for us. i miss when he makes hatid me to school. i miss watching movies with him. i miss his voice.

he was not a good father to me but i know he tried. i know he really tried.

suspend

Please don’t use ‘I love you’ as a filler when you’ve got nothing to say. Don’t use it as an alternative for ‘sorry’. Don’t use it when you’re feeling bad or mad. Don’t use it to escape an argument. Don’t say it out of pity. Don’t use it against someone. Instead, please use it wisely. Calm yourself then think once, twice, or maybe even a hundred times before using it. Question yourself before uttering it. Make sure you know it’s what you feel before saying it. Say it only to the right person. Say it because you mean it. Say it because not saying it makes you anxious. Say it because there’s no other word nor phrase that compares to how you feel. Say it because that person earned your trust to hear it and last; Say this to yourself. You deserve it.

3 am thoughts (via suspend)

im on my 6th day of being nicotine-free

I stopped vaping since october 1st and luckily, im on my 6th day now on being nicotine-free. i started smoking 4 years ago then switched to vaping for almost a year now. i admit that they really helped me before especially when im so stressed on acads. they were my stabilizer and made me stay sane during those times.

lately, ive been experiencing some health problems like palpitations and difficulty of breathing. at first, i chose to ignore it because duh YOLO but it got to a point that i cant sleep well because i feel like im drowning. i also thought of my litlle sister like what would happen if i die and stuff like that. overthinking has a good side pala (uust kidding) haha.

the first 3 days were fine. i didnt have any desires to puff some smoke but dude, yesterday, i got so busog and i suddenly craved for a cigg. like no shit. but i just slept it off. while im typing this blog, im craving AF. but im drinking milo naman so it can suffice the cravings.

my breathing pattern has improved already. like i can sleep without feeling drowning, i can do tasks without gasping too much for air, and the palpitattions are gone na rin.

if you’re reading this and you smoke or you use vape, start contemplating and start thinking of quitting. we all know that its hard but its for our health. lets make our body healthy because dude, i dont want to look like a goat gasping for air when im pounding someone HAHAHAHAHA xx

curioshittyy

Anonymously ask me "What if..."

First of all, your feelings are valid. But in this times (pandemic) people are so tired with the everyday battles that they may have no energy to socialize (ex. Checking up on you, or greet you or something). I just celebrated my birthday last October 3 and I literally felt the same way. But I realized that people may have something on their plate that they don't have the energy or time to greet or may have forgotten it altogether. Aside from my family, even my closest friends greeted me late haha. I hope you have a good one, happy birthday!

I know naman but i cant help myself to get disappointed. Theyve watched my ig stories naman e :( am I being too Aries here? HAHA anw, thank you!! belated happy birthday! 💛

is my feelings valid or am i just overreacting?

as you all know, it was my birthday yesterday and i was really not in the mood to celebrate it. i wanted a lowkey birthday like i dont wanna make a big deal out of it and just make it a simple day and stuff. i was really expecting that my close friends will greet me but alas, some of them didnt.

some of them greeted me late because theyre busy and thats okay for me. i was even shocked that my past ex-bestfriend turned into a friend now posted a story on instagram and greeted me. like wow she remembered me hahahaha.

but yeah anyway, some of them did not even bother to greet me. im not mad. im just disappointed(????) because dude we’re close as fuck and u guys didnt even bother to greet me.

am i being too OA? am i being to self-centered? its valid naman to get disappointed naman right?

Now that facebook, ig, and messenger are all down, can someone message me and greet me a happy birthday

love-from-middle-earth

Friendly reminder that it’s okay to cry. Crying is a natural response to emotional intensity, and there’s nothing wrong with doing it. It’s fine to cry as an adult, just as it’s find to cry as a kid. Crying isn’t limited by gender–if anyone tells you that, ignore them. As far as I know, you are a human being with eyeballs and feelings, so if you feel the need, go ahead and cry. Crying sometimes is healthy, what’s NOT healthy is trying to hold in your emotions or using harmful outlets for them. So if you feel those lovely eyes of yours getting damp, just roll with it! Let those emotions out, we’ll be right here supporting you through it.

Lots of love,

Boromir

selflovewarrior

you’re allowed to settle for a calm life, despite people on social media making it seem like you should do all these adventurous things. you don’t have to travel far and wide in order to be happy. you don’t have to have an amazing career in order to be proud of who you are and your life. live your life the way you want to, calm lives are good. a calm life is what i’m aiming for.

My Birthday is Coming Up but I Dont Feel Like It

my birthday is next week na but i dont feel like celebrating. my mums asking me everytime kung anong gift daw gusto ko and i dont know what to tell her. i have everything that i need now and i cant think of anything that i want pa. she asked me if i wanna go somewhere but i declined because i dont really want to celebrate it. i told my sister about it and she just told me that maybe im becoming a matured person na daw. this is the first time na i dont look forward on my birthday. before, i list all the things i want na months prior to my birthday pero now i cant think of anything.

maybe my sister’s right, that im becoming a matured person already. i dont even want a small celebration like family dinner or whatnot. prolly im going to start not celebrating my birthday this year. less expenses, less possibility to contract covid, less hassle.

why is it so hard to keep our inner peace?

during the pandemic, i found my peace and it really made me happy because i was such a wreck before the pandemic era. but its really hard to maintain that peace, you know. one song might trigger you and crush those walls again and destroy the peace and zen uve created.

lately, my peace is missing again. im trying each day to regain it by doing the things i love pero its really hard e. ive been trying for almost a month now pero its still not there. peace and zen are still nowhere to be found.

it started when my depression song played on shuffle and its like in a snap, i lost all those peace that i had. and now, zero. no will to do anything. even watching youtube or netflix wont suffice my mind to be back again u know.

yesterday, someone i played with on valorant added me on their group server on discord. at first i was so happy kasi it was my first time to be invited and to play with someone e. pero one of them really triggered me kasi he talked a lot of trash about how i play. i already told them beforehand na i was only playing deathmatch before so i dont know that much on how to play the other modes. he keeps on blabbering shit and i stayed quiet lang. someone messaged me if im okay then i said yes. after that game, i didnt play again.

i tried playing earlier this morning pero wala na e. i lost the drive to play valorant already, im starting to not like the game.

please, dont say bad things to other people. especially if we dont know them personally. we dont know that theyre going through and its a matter of human decency to be kind to other people.

i just realized the reason on why i should not kill myself

when the pandemic started, i was really in a bad cloud of shit. i just had a breakup with my first boyfriend and that killed me inside. everyday, after i wake up, theres an automatic ideation of killing myself by hanging. i already had a plan.

i sought a professional help and thankfully, all the ideations werent there anymore. i felt like i was happier everyday compared to the old me whos always inside the room, thinking a lot of stuff, and just wasting my time on thinking of the possible ways to end my life.

earlier this afternoon, while watching the vlog of marjorie barretto together with her bestfriend, i thought of my mum and her bestfriend who died because of cancer years ago. i realized that my mum has no bestfriend anymore. i mean she got friends naman at work pero the bond that she had with her bestfriend was different. they grew up together. ran together when there was a war in our province. they shared a lot.

so here it is. i realized and thanked god for giving me another reason to live kasi if i die, my mum would be alone na. her parents are dead already. her husband, my dad, died na rin. i know her world would crumble if pati ako will die.

yun lang naman. i realized to live for her. selfish man pakinggan for her side pero she needs me more than ever. and i love her so much to leave her behind.

PS: please, whoever out there battling with depression and other mental issues, seek for a professional help. it really works. it worked for me and i know it will work for all of us.

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