hxdaleksakomtrigedakru:
“I am pleased you have slept well.” she truly was. She had noticed a haunting inside those beautiful blue orbs. Which part of the reason had been her. Placing that weight on her shoulders to bare when she had left her outside mount weather. A decision she had made that broke her heart, but she had done what was best for her people. Had done her duty, no matter her own feelings regarding the situation. Despite the heartbreak she left behind when Clarke had begged her not to go through with it. How often had she laid awake, thinking of what could have been was she to stay. Fought at her side like her heart had wanted to do. But she was commander to her people first. Born and raised to fight for her people, protect them. That was why she was alive. All she had known, believing when Costia had been taken from her. Then when Clarke came into her life, she wanted to trust that perhaps there could be more. Only to be forced into her reality where she couldn’t have any form of love.
“I can not deny Nia had been our biggest threat after…” she didn’t need to mention the mountain men had been the reason of their fears. Loved ones taken, impossible to fight back and bring them home. A hopeless battle. Until Clarke and the rest of skaikru. Without them, she would have never been able to return her people to safety. “She had never agreed with how I led my people.. and she would never have truly obeyed to my commands. A break in our alliance was.. inevitable. My hope and fight for peace was used to her advantage. I have no reason to believe king Roan will follow in her footsteps, but his duty to azgeda will come first. Still.. I have hopes we can strengthen the coalition once more. Find peace.. work and learn from each other. No more bloodshed.” it would be easier said than done, but she was hopeful it could be archived. “Sore..” Lexa finally smiled softly, remembering the moment after the pauna. “It will heal. A small price to pay for what could have been my life.”
“You and me both--don’t know how useful I’d be to anyone being that exhausted.” It was the single most ridiculous thing for someone in her position to say but...it seemed as though the sky was always falling. The worse it got, the less she slept, the stress eating away at her--as if it hadn’t been difficult enough since Mount Weather, since...well. Since a lot of things. She couldn’t tell what was worse anymore, the exhaustion, or the dreams that haunted her when she finally could rest. The Ark had been a lie, falling apart, no tolerance even for people who just wanted to tell the truth--but god, she couldn’t tell herself that life hadn’t been easier. Even left abandoned in her isolation cell, it had been easier than all of this. But those kinds of thoughts helped no one, there was no going back, only forward. That’s what this was about after all, moving forward. Trying to let the past be exactly that, and nothing more. She’s not sure she believes that to be true, but she wants to.
“You did the right thing.” It seems even the commander herself sometimes needs to hear those simple words. God only knows, Clarke does. “Without her, we’ve got a real chance of working toward peace.” She desperately clings to the idea that such a thing is possible, that blood must not have blood. But...she knows her judgement is clouded, knows her biases and her loyalties run deep. Knows that they threaten everything that they work for here. That dream of peace, of her people being safe to live full, happy lives, without the threat of war, without the threats of the Ark. Even if she remains uncertain of where she fits into that picture. “I’m glad it was just your hand.” For all the politics of it, and how much Lexa helped her to keep those she loved safe, there’s a certain fondness to her voice, a warmth. Something that would only complicate things.
