he fears for octavia’s safety every day. one of the hardest things about being in space was the extra time that he had to think. it allowed for him to run through every possible scenario of what was happening on the ground. the first few months were the hardest – everyone was so divided, and he couldn’t get around to focusing on anything except them getting through them. dealing with his grief over clarke on top of his fear for o was enough to keep him up at night without all the memories that came from the ground. the fight for his life was something he was used to before going to the ground, but it quickly became about more than just his own survival. on the ark it was about him, his mom, and o, on the ground it was about all of skaikru, and now he has a new family to keep in mind when he returns. he is not that same person that he was when he first got to the ground, not the same one that came to space five years prior.
he didn’t think it was possible to love anyone as much as he does o. as fractured as their relationship got, she was still the most important person in his life, but that wasn’t necessarily true anymore. he had six other people that he loves like family, bonds that go deeper than anything he has ever experienced even with o, and the only other person in this world that he allowed himself to be vulnerable died so they could live. the thoughts remain, even five years later, clarke saved them all and he has her to thank for the happiness he feels now, in the end. in the end, her final sacrifice was enough, and he can only hope that he did her memory well up here; they survived, and he did take her advice to heart.
this was never a life that he expected for himself – he never expected much from his life, vowing to protect octavia until the day they died. that was his responsibility, and the fact that she’s been on her own these past few years terrifies him because sometimes he can only think that he failed his responsibility by not getting back to her in time – choosing raven was just one of the first choices he made, knowing that octavia could handle leading on her own. he believed in her, and she had grown so much while on the ground, had become a warrior, but that doesn’t stop him from wondering if she’s okay. he chose to go after raven years ago, and with that choice, it opened him up for many more, but choosing his family wasn’t a choice.
“hey–” his tone softens, face reflecting the change. he can feel concern radiating off of her, and it upsets him to see her fearing this, questioning their devotion.
“until nothing.” he says it with the most sincerity in the world that he doesn’t need to hear anything else she has to say. nothing could change how he feels. he doesn’t lie to her – not anymore. he believes what he’s saying, so he is able to say it with conviction. “you, echo, monty, raven, harper, murphy” even murphy. “you’re my family.” he pauses for a second because the thing that he can rely on, trust like no other is that they all feel the same way. “we’re your family.” he corrects. he’s spent years with her, has come to know and love her, so “nothing is going to change.”
“you don’t have to worry about my sister.” friends and family on the ground. he’s tried not to let it overwhelm him, tried to keep the fears at bay and keep moving, keep leading, but every once in a while emotion slips through. “if she’s okay…” he takes a breath. “she’ll understand.” she has to, and if she spent five years with the people that she’s with, she has to have some bonds of her own now. “you don’t have to worry about any of us” it doesn’t concern him: speaking for the group. they’re a family, and they’re going to fight for each other. “ever, yeah?”
in the past, she didn’t go seeking this kind of validation because she never expected to get it ---- and she definitely wasn’t going to deal with the rejection that was sure to follow. people didn’t care about her, and she didn’t care about people. they were a resource and nothing more. clans, friends, family ---- they didn’t exist to her. pawns she used for her schemes, people she traded with, that was it. there was otan, and even he deserted her ( or maybe that’s just what she believed. )
the ring felt too good to be true. she wasn’t just accepted so freely, but she was welcomed into a place filled with people of various skillsets, all willing and ready to do their part to make sure they all survived. so where did she fit? the skillset she had wasn’t practical there. thievery, manipulation, violence, playing a role. the only role she wanted to play now was someone who could actually matter here ---- - and she found her place. next to raven’s side had become her own place of belonging. she had tried something entirely new, done it WELL, and now she has blossomed. but those skills may do her well here ---- but what about once they’re back? what happens when everyone else can so easily squash everything she’s learned and they can do it better? what if they need her here, but they don’t need her there?
what if when they go back to the ground, everyone goes back to the people they know, and she goes back to being nothing?
she gulps, her head nodding slowly as he speaks the words she is still trying to process, even after all this time. she has a family. she’s so fearful of it all because it would crush her if this was one-sided, if she had given up that power she has always been so careful about keeping close to her, only to be DESTROYED by it in the end. she can’t lose them. ❝ right. family. never thought i’d hear that, ❞ she admits. ❝ never thought i’d have one. ❞ she’s had it, in some ways, before. a brother she had found amidst a war of independence. baylis had tried to turn them into his own pawn, but they escaped. that was nothing like this. this is warmer, much more kind, more welcoming, more free. she is home here, and the idea of losing that for anything is so terrifying.
❝ just feels weird. all of you, you know people. i know all of you. ❞ and that’s it. ❝ i didn’t have a place down there. praimfaya, it was going to do exactly what that world always wanted it to do ---- rid them of the frikdreinas for good. ❞ and she, the victorious, has defied those odds. will it come at a cost? she shakes her head quickly. ❝ she is. ❞ optimism, something she has only recently learned. ❝ if she’s really like the stories you’ve told me about her ---- she is alive. and she is FIGHTING. and she is waiting for you. ❞ emori knows she shouldn’t hold him back from that. reuniting with her sister doesn’t make her any less family. deep down, she knows he won’t desert her ---- none of them will. it just gets heavier as they get closer.
