n i g h t m a r e

hayley nichole williams ✧ * · . * · ✧ * ˚ shifting eyes, learning to trust a shaking mind

[wasanearthquake]

oh…yes, yes.

[wasanearthquake]

is it my stomach and how it didn’t immediately “snap back” this time around? is it how almost uncomfortably big my chest is, how it seems to only grow bigger each time our son has a meal? am i coming off too grumpy, maybe always off the wrong side of the bed after long nights with a baby in our arms? am i spending too much time with him as opposed to you, because he needs the most protection out of me right now? am i too different than before? is this not what you thought it’d be when you begged for it just one year ago? do you love me? hey, do you still love me?

[wasanearthquake]

me: takes my annoyance towards my wife out in a sarcastic answer in the gc game

everyone else: omg i can’t believe this is about me

my wife: *cricket noises*

[wasanearthquake]

so nervous about my kids being in nashville alone i wanna make them switch in-laws houses every other day rn lol

[wasanearthquake]

I Am Talking To A Brick Wall

[hayleywilliamsdaily]

hayley on twitter today (april 24th 2019)

[wasanearthquake]

i wish you could see. i wish you could see how beautiful and holy you are to me, how good and gentle and well you are. how healthy you are. you think you depend on these things but you don’t. how can i teach you the line between health and addiction? i know it’s been foggy in the past. but this is different; this is present. will you let me prove it once i figure out how? just...let me figure out how. let me get unstuck so i can reach down to pull you up with me. i promise, i’ll never leave you behind. i swear.

[wasanearthquake]

me: don’t click on the andrea yates documentary, especially after you’ve just given birth and you’re feeling good this time but your wife’s possibly not. it’ll only scare you.

my monkey brain: but what if do ?

[wasanearthquake]

so i guess we’re real deal just leaving our kids, newborn included, alone with my dangerous ex still living so close...to go to another country. i guess i made myself clear to her, and she’s doing the same by practically ignoring all my attempts to talk. whatever. thanks for understanding, honey.

[wasanearthquake]

my wife be like “we never talk it out” and then be the one leaving me on read....rt if u agree!

[wasanearthquake]

can’t leave my newborn at home for a week

can’t bring my newborn with me on a 25 hour flight to china for a week

[wasanearthquake]

i guess there’s really no “i’m healed now.”

i still think of him sometimes. it’s been scarce lately, of course, and he barely passes through my mind that’s so occupied with new and old love now. but tonight i’m laying down next to her, and i look over, and for a second i see him in her place all over again. and it scares me. it terrifies me that maybe he could get bored, maybe he could get lonely, maybe he could seek us out again. when has something like a restraining order ever been enough for people like him? god, i sound crazy. i feel crazy. it’s been way too long. don’t ruin this for me now.

[wasanearthquake]

today was the first time we’ve really gotten to sit down and breathe together, just the two of us. penelope was with your dad for her math lessons and ezra was fast asleep in his nursery. for the first time in weeks, we allowed ourselves to just sit and breathe. how does it feel? i can see the radiance you give off from a mile away, ever since he was born. from the moment he arrived, you’ve been in a daze i never wanna break you out of. even before, when it was time to focus during labor...something about you made me so happy and hopeful and blissful, too. you went home and brought our record player back to the hospital room so we could slow dance through my contractions; so he could come into a world of love and light and expression immediately. you took my hand right then, in that hospital room, while frank sinatra played, and you allowed me to come into your daze with you. oh, how did i get so lucky? how did we get so lucky?

[wasanearthquake]

listen, baby bear, this is already the longest i’ve ever been pregnant and we’re not even at your due date yet. don’t keep me waiting too long, okay? i can’t wait to see you. to know that this was real, not just a silly dream.

[dailysapphiclyrics]

Zolita- Explosion

[wasanearthquake]

✧ * · . * · ✧ * ˚ everything below this is still true and applicable to hayley’s plot and relationships, but took place before joining 86hqs.

[mjalti]

I hate it when people ask “do you trust me” like …don’t call me out like that ……..the answer is no