Untitled

Putting myself first this time

[wateringmyself]

Grief

Grief is a terrible thing that some may claim to find beauty in. I haven’t been able to see the beauty yet, but hope to one day. All I’ve seen so far is sadness, disappointment, anger, loneliness, the list could go on and on. I feel sadness for the loss I experienced and memories I will not be able to create now. I feel disappointment when my support system isn’t there for me after countless pleas. I feel anger when thinking of how the loss occurred. I feel loneliness when I’m by myself or in a room full of people. All of these feelings are amplified and can start to take over my day or even my night. Every small problem feels like a bigger one just because I have all of these other feelings going on at once. This has lead to a lot of days where I don’t feel like doing anything or I go and do something and get home and feel like shit. Why did my days have to be taken over and when will I really be able to take them back?

Not everyday is a bad day, but my days are definitely different now than they were before. I’m different than I was before. That may be the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. Not only did I lose one of my people, but I lost part of myself and I don’t know if I’ll ever get her back. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around, but it also seems so difficult for those around me to get. This has led to a loss in friendships which I’ve heard is common when experiencing a loss, but I never thought that would happen to my friendships. I would like to sit here and say that if one of my friends lost a part of themselves with the loss of a loved one that I would understand, but I’m not in that position so I really don’t know. All I know is that I lost someone I love, lost a part of myself, and have lost friendships that I thought would last forever. 

Grief has taught me that I should expect more out of my friends. It sounds a bit harsh, at least to me. I’ve grown to learn that I need people around me who are willing to make the time for me, willing to ask and listen, and willing to put their worries aside for just a second so that they don’t add on to the ones I’m already carrying. I would never wish for someone to experience grief like this, but I do wish some people could feel just a second of what I feel so they could understand. It’s not their fault they don’t know what to do, but when they are given suggestions and don’t use them that’s when I realize I’m worth more. I’m worth more than excuses, I’m worth more than getting invited last minute to something planned ages ago, I’m worth more than what I used to think. I’m not sure if I would have realized this prior to my loss, but at least I have learned something.

[wateringmyself]

If what you need today is to lay in bed, do it. If you need to move your body, do it. You do what you absolutely need to do to get through this day. Turn your phone off, or stay glued to the screen if you think you need that distraction. It’s your life, why do other people care how you live it?

[wateringmyself]

It’s hard to wake up some days and accept what life is. Life for me right now is 8 months after losing my dad, which came right after I moved away from home. Double wammy. Not only do I lose someone permanently, but I lose the comfort of my home and my mom. I took it as a positive thing at first, being away from home. While I was with him when he passed and a month after to be with my mom, I was excited to go start this new life. What I didn’t recognize though was that I was avoiding the grieving process while trying to be this person I always wanted to be. I wanted to have fun, go on lots of dates, be the best roommate I could be. Turns out, I needed time to myself. This resulted in my roommate being upset that I wanted to spend time alone. So I tried to accommodate. I didn’t want her to feel like that so if I could help I would. Then I realized that she wasn’t doing that for me. I was the one who just lost a parent and yet I was still the one making sure she was okay by changing what I was doing to make her happy. So I stopped. I stopped worrying about other people’s lives unless they asked about mine. It sounds selfish but it’s all I had the energy for. You’d be surprised with how upset people get when you don’t make an effort just as they weren’t making one. It helps you realize how truly valued you as a friend and who just wanted someone there to fill time.

It’s been a lonely journey and it just seems to keep getting lonelier. I go to sleep sad some days and wake up feeling the same. I go to sleep happy and wake up the same. But then there are the days that I wake up ready to take on the world and five minutes later it feels like it all came crashing down on me. It’s hard. Grief is a journey I would not wish on anyone. Grief is a journey through loss, but more loss than I could even imagine. I lost who I was before my dad passed, I lost close friendships that I thought would be able to comfort me, I lost the peace I felt before. I feel lost.

[wateringmyself]

Being there for yourself is HARD. It’s especially hard when you start to realize that you may be one of the few people who are truly there for you. When you take a step back and recognize what you need from relationships there is a chance to be vastly disappointed when you see what you have been settling for. It’s such a catch 22 to be there for yourself. You don’t want to be seen as selfish, you want to be the person who is always there for others. But what about when those others aren’t there for you? What about when they make excuses and say they’re busy with things that you had previously dropped for them? Do you then become the bad guy when you stop showing up too? 

Everything in my life is always tied to how others see me. This is something I will be working on forever because it’s something so many are conditioned to worry about as they grow up. Of course I don’t want to be seen as a mean person!! But why can’t I stand up for myself and state my needs? Why can’t I decide to not have someone in my life when those needs aren’t met? 

Being there for yourself is UNCOMFORTABLE. It’s uncomfortable because you’re now having to set boundaries with those that will inevitably cross them. Then you have to deal with the outcome of them overstepping. Do you want the outcome to be something that continues to cater to them? Or do you want to stand firm with the boundary that was set in the first place? It’s a fine line. I personally have found myself catering to the other person more. This isn’t always for their benefit either. I see it as me catering to them so that they do not come back and retaliate in a way that would cause further problems for me. My therapist also questions why I do certain things in order to protect others. And I’ve always seen it as a way of protecting myself too. Now I’m starting to wonder if that’s why I’ve been so disappointed with how I’ve been treated before. By catering to others even if I think it’s beneficial for me, I’m not getting what I need. What I need is to feel supported. I need to feel appreciated. I need to feel understood even if the other person can’t truly understand. I need someone else to put in effort. 

I want to be there for myself and have it not feel hard or uncomfortable. I want to break this pattern that I’ve been in for so long. It’s a constant battle of how I want to see myself as someone who is strong and stands up for themselves, but don’t want to be seen as someone who’s bossy or abrasive. I just want to be seen as someone who can recognize what’s not good for them, let that go, and still be thankful.

[wateringmyself]

wondering

I’m sitting her wondering what it’s like to not care about what others think. Not in the free spirit, kind hearted, loves everyone way; the way where no consideration is made for those that you say you care for. It’s hard for me to imagine myself ignoring what others have asked of me, especially when it’s something very small. Even more so, when it’s something to help them whether it be emotionally or mentally or even something as simple as dropping off soap to their house because they’re out and don’t feel like going to the store.

I mention this as someone who has started to recognize that the people she puts time and effort into are the people who are abusing that time and effort. It’s not reciprocated, it’s not recognized, it’s just expected at this point. And when I decided to stop putting my energy into someone that was always taking and never giving, I become the bad guy. They start to say that they always reach out and I never try when in reality that’s what they were doing to me for years. It only became a problem whenever I did it. So then I asked. I asked for that not to happen to me anymore. And you can guess what happened. 

Navigating this world is hard enough, but having to feel like you’re settling with any type of relationship makes it even harder. I don’t know if I’ve just surrounded myself with selfish people or if this will keep happening no matter who I’m around. Either way, I would selfishly love to be able to experience one day of not giving two shits about anyone. Just to see how blissful that ignorance is. 

[akindplace]

thefemalewarhol

[akindplace]

Titsay

[akindplace]

Sketchbook_jpeg on instagram

[wateringmyself]

Disappointment

Expectations inevitably lead to disappointment. You expect others to put in the same energy as you put out, you expect others to anticipate your needs, and you expect yourself to not be disappointed when someone doesn’t meet your needs. It’s time for me to practice letting go of expectations. I want to be the person that gives all her energy no matter if she is getting it back or not. Right now, I can’t be that person for anyone. I can’t simply because I am wrapping my head around years and years of disappointment that I refused to acknowledge before and would just provide excuses for. 

My birthday gift was a home decoration I may not even use, but what I got them was something I picked up on them wanting in a conversation months ago. That’s okay, I’m not disappointed I just pick up on some things that others may not.

I take initiative to ask questions during conversations while they are the ones answering. That’s alright, they have more to talk about than I do.

I remember when they have an important event and encourage them before. I get the “oh I forgot that was today, how did it go?” response. That’s no problem, they are just really busy right now.

Would I allow myself to do this to others? No. Why do I allow others to do this to me? I’m starting to recognize some relationships as being more one-sided than I noticed before. It could be that they have evolved to be this, or it could also be that my role in the relationship was to be there for them while now I need them to be there for me. and in this time of life where I need a support system these relationships are not fulfilling or even meeting the bare minimum. Disappointing. I’m disappointed in them for not being who I thought they were. I’m disappointed in myself for not realizing it sooner. But I’m proud of myself for recognizing my worth now. Better late than never, right?

[happy-place-for-sad-people]

you're the person who's gonna remain in your life the longest so whatever you do choose yourself.

[conscious-love]

jordanpickellcounselling ~ Instagram

[wateringmyself]

For you.

Reminder to take time for yourself today. Whether that be reading a book, listening to music, surrounding yourself with those you love, or even taking yourself away from others to spend time with yourself. You are the most important person for you.

[ethanmaldridge]

Hey you.

[ethanmaldridge]

Hey you.

[wateringmyself]

Testing testing 123

Is it wrong to test those around you to evaluate how fulfilling the relationship is? I was thinking over how I interact with my friends one night and determined myself to be someone who sits back and listens more due to having friends who prefer to be in the spotlight. No big deal at all. What is a big deal is when I thought about how often I ask questions and prompt a conversation vs. how often I answer questions and am asked to engage in conversation. I couldn’t remember the last time someone asked me how my work day was or if anything interesting happened to me lately! So I took it upon myself to start an experiment. I would mirror the conversations I had. If they responded with a statement, so did I. If they asked a question, I would follow up with a question. Man, did the length of the conversations get cut down. Was I ever asked a question during this time? No. So how many other times has this been the case and I didn’t realize? You could say that my role within my friendships is to be the person who listens and supports and I would agree with that statement wholeheartedly. What I wouldn’t agree with is that someone has to settle for just being that person in any relationship. I can be the person who listens, but you must also be that person for me when I need it. 

Now what if I were to find myself asking for help and for someone to listen when I usually am not the one to do that? I once thought that since I would do anything for others, that they would do the same without having to be asked. Turns out I have to ask. Even more so, turns out you can’t expect the same out of others that they expect from you. You can ask for anything, but trust me when I say you should expect nothing. When you expect something, most of the time you will be disappointed. This doesn’t mean that the other person did anything wrong, but it also doesn’t mean that you are undeserving of what you want or need. This journey of watering myself is proving to be very difficult. As I’m figuring out what I need, I’m seeing that it’s not what I have around me. I’m seeing that even asking for what I need doesn’t always ensure I can get it from other people. Even more of a reason to focus on myself at this time. This is what I need and I will be the person that I deserve to have in my life.

[wateringmyself]

What am I doing

How am I going to get to where I want to be? I don’t like to think that I could be doing more or even be doing less in order to take care of myself. I’d like to think I’m doing everything right and it’s not on me for feeling how I do. But ultimately, the world can be a shit show and it’s up to me to at least make myself happy for a second of the day. Yesterday, I walked to the lake and sat for a little bit. I also chose to not engage in many conversations because I recognized how much of my energy is taken from me when doing that lately. That’s not because I don’t want to talk to those people, but just because I really can’t do it right now. I need to be having conversations with myself right now so that I know how I’m doing, what I need, and how I can help myself. I’ve learned that I AM capable of asking others for help, but sometimes they are not capable of helping. So since that is the case, I will help myself now. I will spend my energy on myself first and IF I have some left over I will spend it on others. Today I will walk back to the lake and take a book this time. Maybe it will be a book that I have been reading and need to finish; maybe it will be a new book. Either way, I will make the choice because I want to. Maybe I want to leave that book I’ve been reading on the shelf and pick up a new one. That’s okay. I don’t need to feel obligated to continue reading something that isn’t fulfilling. Just like I don’t need to keep watering others when they aren’t willing to water me.

[gaycommunist]

the simple joys of life are its meaning

“leaves” lloyd schwartz // ilya kaminsky // good will hunting (1997) // unknown // anonymous // @flowerais // kedi (2016) // “still” marc alan di martino // unknown