I'm the only one that still semi-frequently uses this account. I don't want to make a new blog. but, anyway. god I miss them. I miss my partners, I miss my siblings, I miss my dad. mum is more of a wreck than I've ever seen. she thinks I don't know, but I'm no stranger to anguish. I don't want to be more weight on her shoulders. maybe that's me self sabotaging, I'm not sure. I try and go to Cas sometimes, but he gets emotional if I go on for too long. he really misses Denver. he's had a harder time taking care of Friend lately and I know he feels guilty. there's a weird bitterness that settles when I think about it but I know I don't mean it. I know what they've done is valid, I respect their decision, but it doesn't hurt any less. I always pathetically hope that maybe they'll miss one of us and send a text. it's selfish, I know. mostly, we hope, for their sake, that they don't think of us at all. we hope they've moved on from us and our names aren't bitter on their tongue. they don't deserve another person they consider texting so bad they have to get high to cope. that probably sounds like shit after everything. I'm sure my guilt means nothing. I hope it means nothing. I hope they never wonder if we feel guilty and try to convince themselves that our guilt means they owe us something. I don't know what the point is in saying all of this. I miss them. we all do, really. even Eva can't hide how much she misses Alex. she just pretends better. she's happy to be fun and silly and flirty, but it's never for long. we're trying to get better, and she is doing better slowly, but.. I don't know where else to go from there. I don't know anymore.
the funniest part is texting them is an option, but I'm so scared to. I know we were told it was okay, but I'm worried it isn't our place. they established no contact with us, they deserve to have the chance to reach out on their terms, but what if they'd rather we do it? god. I'm scared. I don't want to come off clingy. as much as this has pained us, we still respect them, obviously. we still love them so fucking much. I almost want to avoid them just to make sure there's no risk we can hurt them. they don't deserve more pain. we've already done enough. god. I'm so scared to do anything. I turned our phone off do not disturb and everything, just in case.
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