The Lady Gardener

Tales from the Slit

[waxxingoff-blog]

There is beauty in the chaos...somewhere anyway...#SetLife #Nars #Morphe #MAC #Kryolan

[waxxingoff-blog]

#MaryQuiteContrary #mood

[waxxingoff-blog]

[waxxingoff-blog]

I am disappointed in myself.

I’m all righteous piss and vinegar until you take your pants off....then I just  kinda feel bad for you. Lying there...all vulnerable.

Explains a lot about my dating life actually.

She walked in the shining example of what America loves. Thin, white, blonde, hot jailbait ass. 22ish looking barely 17. Fairly heavily tattooed with cherries on the back of her thighs. She seemed a bit nervous but didn’t think much of it as most folks are by the time they’re left alone in a room with me. She got on the table, that’s when I saw it. 

I was really hoping it was a 4 winged butterfly...but that giant red swastika on her vagina could not be ignored. I wanted to scream at her “I’M A JEW!!”...but I didn’t...mostly, because I’m not but that’s beside the point. I asked her where she got that and she sorta mumbled I was really drunk and wouldn’t look me in the eye.

VagiNazi? Nazivag? Navagina...?

SWASTIPUSSY!!!!

Nobody gets that fucking drunk. Drunk is Tweety bird on your ass after blacking out in Vegas. Drunk is your boyfriends name on your boob right above your heart!. Drunk is a tribal sun tramp stamp above the crack of your ass. Drunk is not the murder of millions, the shining example of hatred and the closest thing to evil our history books will admit to. That is belief. Alcohol is truth serum. Fuck you and your Nazi loving vagina. Fuck you and that racist fascist mule you rode in on!!

So I went on as I normally do. I was kind to her and her bits. Making the small talk, cracking jokes, asking about her life-waitress with 2 jobs, live in boyfriend works as a mover both living in his father’s house in the Hollywood hills. Living the dream...

Finished her brazilian in 15 mins or so...because why cover up the insignia of racial superiority with vagina hair? YOU WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW!!!

She left a 2$ tip.

Maybe I should have burned her on top of her stupid vagina. Maybe I should have laid a big ass strip of wax across the top of her and walked out. Maybe I should have made the whole thing last for an hour using only little strips pulling oh so very slowly. I didn’t do any of those things...I didn’t even lecture on the evils she clearly believes in. I just did my job because that’s who I am? A really nice forgiving person? Me?! The fuck?! I am a soldier for equality! I am a loud vocal advocate of the downtrodden! I am will attempt to right what ever wrong I bear witness to! Mostly, I felt bad for the girl. So dumb, so young, so pretty not having any idea how fleeting those last 2 are... 

*le sigh*

[lolthingstoknow]

[waxxingoff-blog]

Euphemisms....

[waxxingoff-blog]

[waxxingoff-blog]

Please.

Be kind.

Don’t get your brazillan right after you work out.

Why would you want to share that with people? You peel off your Lululemons that have acted as a deathtrap for your lady bits while everything around it heats up, rubs against each itself and ferments. Why is this ok to share? Why do you then explain that after a long day at work you just wanted to get to the gym, get a wax and then take a shower. I should sympathize with you now or get a face mask? Are we not worthy of your consideration? Would you eat a plate of garlic pasta, smoke a cigarette and then make out? I’m a realist. I know what vagina’s are supposed to smell like...and that ain’t it.

So,thanx for that for makin’ Modays fun days ladies. It’s not appreciated.

[waxxingoff-blog]

“Married 59 years...”

“Got any advice for me?”

“ Oh honey, I have no idea. I wanna divorce him a few times a day. But what are ya gonna do...?”

[waxxingoff-blog]

Men have no concept of the word “discharge” or how it affects the lives of women. Daily.

[waxxingoff-blog]

You came in wanting to rid yourself of leg hair. You swore it wasn’t yours. You’re hair was thin and blonde, this hair was thick and black. Spiny almost reptilian. Alien DNA splicing. Ok then…

The abductions happened at nite you said. They’d been happening for years you said. They knew when you moved, where you worked, what you ate and even changed ingredients in the beer you drank as it was all a form of Control…but you weren’t afraid because a real change was coming and there was nothing They could do about it. It didn’t matter if They had DiCaprio because We had Clooney. You also told me to take a bath in tequila as that would help heal any damage done to any orifice They’d penetrated…and it was just a good idea in general even if they hadn’t.  Something about agave’s molecular structure…? I may actually try that one day because, what the hell, life is an adventure. So what if it stings your vagina a little. Guessing that never actually killed anybody…

You were the kind of crazy most people run from but I was entertained. You were uncharacteristically logical and linear in your thinking until you spoke of Them. That’s ok. It really isn’t any stranger than any other religious origin story other sane people swear on their life is true. Invisible Sky Wizards living in clouds, virgin births, holy zombies, men sitting under trees for years at a time, turtles that carry the weight of the world on their shoulders through the cosmos.

We laughed most of our time together. Anytime that happens is a good thing. So what if you’re a Super Freak. Maybe the world’s a better place with folks like you in it. 

[waxxingoff-blog]

#WaxxingOff #RealTalk #Vagina

[waxxingoff-blog]

[waxxingoff-blog]

[waxxingoff-blog]

Someone please tell me who this artist is....?

#HolyMother #VaginaArt