Exercise: Exploring New Ways of Being in Relationships
Let’s create a profile of emotional maturity that you can work towards. The following lists present a picture of how an emotionally mature person might interact and behave in relationships. Read through the following lists of new behaviours, beliefs and values and choose a few to practice. Just pick one or two at a time, and be gentle with yourself as you work on them. Some might be harder than others.
Being Willing to Ask for Help:
I’ll ask for help whenever I need to.
I’ll remind myself that if I need something, most people will be glad to help if they can.
I’ll use clear, intimate communication to ask for what I want, explaining my feelings and the reasons for my request.
I’ll trust that most people will listen if I ask them to.
Being Myself, Whether People Accept Me or Not:
When I state my thoughts clearly and politely, without malice, I won’t try to control how people take it.
I won’t give more energy than I really have.
Instead of trying to please, I’ll give other people a true indication of how I feel.
I won’t volunteer for something if I think I’ll resent it later.
If someone says something I find offensive, I’ll offer an alternative viewpoint. I won’t try to change the other person’s mind; I just won’t let the statement go unremarked upon.
Sustaining and Appreciating Emotional Connections:
I’ll make a point of keeping in touch with special people I care about and returning their calls or emotional messages.
I’ll think of myself as a strong person who deserves to give and receive help from my community of friends.
Even when people aren’t saying the “right” thing, I’ll tune in to whether they’re trying to help me. If their effort makes me feel emotionally nurtured, I’ll express my gratitude.
When I’m irritated with someone, I’ll think about what I want to say that could improve our relationship. I’ll wait until I cool off and then ask if the other person is willing to listen to my feelings.
Having Reasonable Expectations for Myself:
I’ll keep in mind that being perfect isn’t always necessary. I’ll get stuff done rather than obsess over getting things done perfectly.
When I get tired, I’ll rest or do something different. My level of physical energy will tell me when I’ve been doing too much. I won’t wait for an accident or illness to make me stop.
When I make a mistake, I’ll chalk it up to being human. Even if I think I’ve anticipated everything, there will be outcomes I don’t expect.
I’ll remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and for expressing their needs clearly. Beyond common courtesy, it isn’t up to me to guess what others want.
Communicating Clearly and Actively Seeking the Outcomes I Want:
I won’t expect people to know what I need unless I tell them. Caring about me doesn’t mean they automatically know what I’m feeling.
If people close to me upset me, I’ll use my pain to identify my underlying need. Then I’ll use clear, intimate communication to provide guidance on how they could give it to me.
When my feelings are hurt, I’ll try to understand my reaction first. Did something trigger feelings from my past, or did the person really treat me insensitively? If someone was insensitive, I’ll ask him or her to hear me out.
I’ll be thoughtful to other people, and if they aren’t thoughtful in return, I’ll ask them to be more considerate and then let it go.
I’ll ask for something as many times as it takes to get a clear answer.
When I get tired of interacting, I’ll politely speak up, asking if we can continue our contact at another time. I’ll explain kindly that I’m just out of gas at the moment.
(From Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson)
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