Weddings Are A Racket

BUT THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T HAVE TO BE

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As an officiant I am often privy to all sorts of stuff that most people at a wedding are unaware of. The two MFC (most frequently "confessed") pieces of information I receive are these:

1. The couple is already married but their families don't know.

2.  The bride is pregnant. 

As with most other commentary I've provided here, my thoughts regarding being presented with this sort of information remains the same:

I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK.

And I mean that in the most loving way. Here's the thing-- you're adults and you can do what you want. What is interesting to me is how many people reach adulthood, find the one they want to be with, go through an entire courtship, often live together, sometimes travel the world, sometimes buy a house, and do all sorts of other things pre-marriage with the knowledge of their parents and yet...

And yet they still cower at the thought of revealing pre-nups that they are expecting a baby or already legally tied the knot a year ago. This makes me curious as to what they are afraid of. Do they think their parents think they are not participating in sexual congress, and are saving their virginity for the wedding night, after the loss of which they will hang bloody sheets over the balcony of the honeymoon suite to assure the world all is as dictated in the bible? 

Frankly I think it's a great idea to make sure you're super sexually compatible prior to committing to the institution until death do you part (or, as I prefer to say it in weddings, "as long as love shall last"). Because one of the top five problems listed among marital struggles is SEX. (The other four are: money, in-laws, kids, and who gets to lick the cake batter from the beaters. I made that last one up. The fifth is allegedly in-laws.) So hopefully, if you are pregnant,  you had an awesome time getting there. 

Also, I find pregnant brides to be very visually stimulating. And, when a bride is very, very pregnant (I once performed a wedding that was, I believe, on the bride's due date), you get the extra fun factor: Will she become a wife and a mother on the same day, and maybe even at the same moment? That said, I have had at least one bride postpone her wedding because she wanted to look top model hot in her wedding dress, and to her that meant after she had time to give birth and lose weight. 

Regarding getting married before getting married. I actually perform a number of these pre-wedding weddings in any given year. In fact I've got one tonight. Some couples swear me to secrecy. Some conduct secret pre-ceremonies in the interest of getting insurance, green cards, or mortgages. Some just get married before their big ceremony because they can't wait to be married. They view the big ceremony as more of a party, and a chance to celebrate with and be celebrated by their friends and family.

My first instinct is to think-- well won't that be a little anti-climactic? Well, yes. But for some I think that's the point. Even the most chill couples can get walloped with an overdose of anxiety the day of thanks to today's Pinterest Pressures, the demand that every bridesmaid have matching pedicures that appear to have been executed by Michaelangelo, and that all the groomsmen have exotic bonsai orchids woven into their equal-length lumbersexual beards by beard-braiding specialists flown in from Bora Bora. One way to turn the volume down on stress is to share the secret knowledge that you're already hitched, and that this second, ginormous wedding is like being in a really fun play. 

Ultimately, if you are keeping some element of your relationship secret, I think what you need to pay most attention to why you feel such a need for secrecy. Being a balls-to-the-wall type myself, I admit I don't understand all the hush hush. But then, I come from a place where, when I got pregnant without the "benefit" of marriage, I think my conservative family sighed a collective sigh of relief, taking my growing mid-section as a hopeful sign that I was not (gasp) a lesbian. And I did lie to a priest-- long story but, despite my non-religion, and despite what I said above about not worrying about what your parents think, I agreed with my mom's request to have my son splashed with a little baptismal water. The priest asked if Wolfie's dad and I were married. We said no. He asked if we would promise to marry soon. We lied yes. The priest died shortly after, dropped over of a heart attack, and I sometimes wonder if the God I don't believe in struck him down for baptizing our bastard child. 

So I guess I do understand a little bit about how sometimes we need to bullshit just to keep the peace. But seriously, remember this: the more you let your parents (or imminent in-laws) mind your business and dictate your choices at the front end, the more they are going to butt in later on. Remember the old saying about how good fences make good neighbors, and vow to spend at least as much time making polite but very firm boundaries as you do cruising Pinterest for ideas on how to handcraft origami brandy snifters for your three hundred guests. 

Spike Gillespie is a wedding officiant in Austin, Texas.

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Once a couple decides to marry, very often there is a psychological shift. A sort of  TEMPORARY INSANITY descends. Yes, even couples who made fun of their couple friends for getting OUT OF CONTROL with wedding planning now find themselves succumbing to the same FUCKING EVENT SPECIFIC CRAZINESS.

One minute you're a normal couple, a little more excited than usual, abuzz at the prospect of letting the world know you're going to TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL. Then without warning the WEDDING ZOMBIES have eaten your brain and you are fighting over whether the better option for a environmentally friendly reception would be HEMP NAPKINS or COMPOSTABLE NAPKINS or maybe LITTLE RESCUE DOGS running through the room for people to wipe their hands on.

Because this mental disorder can visit even the MOST STABLE COUPLES I have a piece of priceless advice for you. Forget about bookmarking 50,000 WEDDING HOW-TO websites. Forget about buying 100 books about HOW TO MAKE YOUR WEDDING RIGHT. Because there is really only one guide you need to read, and it is very short but very wise. It is:

SCENES FROM AN IMPENDING MARRIAGE: A PRENUPTIAL MEMOIR

Written by Adrian Tomine, who is known for his comic Optic Nerve and his New Yorker cartoons, this book follows the adventures of Tomine and his then-fiancée as they prepared for their wedding. IT IS HILARIOUS. Tomine really hits on all the goofy arguments that crop up, and all the RIDICULOUS DETAILS  folks get overly entwined in.

So check it out, read it, MEMORIZE IT and remember this: if you are going to throw a huge bash to celebrate your love, YOU DAMN WELL BETTER FIGURE OUT HOW TO HAVE FUN-- both in the planning and at the actual event. 

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Hello Beautiful People!

Today just a simple reminder that BEING PRACTICAL is always a great option when planning your wedding. The beautiful bride you see above? I performed her outdoor wedding last week. She looked so stunning in her dress accessorized with a million tiny goose bumps across her shoulders. (She didn't put on the wrap until post-nups.)

I was surprised and delighted when she revealed she'd been wearing jeans the whole time. No one could tell at all. Which got me thinking about how you can be super practical without sacrificing whatever aesthetic your'e going for. 

I already told you in an earlier post NO MORE WHORE SHOES. Now what else can you do to keep things chill at your wedding? I think the main piece of wisdom we can get from jeans-under-dress is nicely summed up in a line in LIGHT AND DAY, a beautiful song by my friends The Polyphonic Spree:

FOLLOW THE DAY

What does that mean? It means if it's raining and you still want to get married outside, it is OKAY TO USE AN UMBRELLA. Or if it is super windy and you still want to get married outside it is OKAY TO SKIP YOUR VEIL. I don't care how much you paid for it or how much you were looking forward to wearing it. If it's going to whip around and distract you from what's most important-- the vows you're exchanging-- DON'T WEAR IT. 

It's also okay, as the day whips by in a blur, to just LET GO OF SHIT. It's okay if you don't manage to INDIVIDUALLY BLESS EACH DINNER NAPKIN in some Pinterest Fueled Insanity Ritual you convinced yourself was necessary. NOT NECESSARY. It's okay to wear your favorite RATTY OLD BIG GIRL UNDERPANTS under your dress if the thong you bought thinking that would make you feel sexy actually makes you feel like there's something stuck in your ass crack (because, duh, there is). 

Really, EVERYTHING IS OKAY if you just show up with a good attitude and just dig each moment and roll with necessary changes as they arise. Because you cannot make the temperature magically jump from 32F to 60F, but you can always keep your pants on. 

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Beth’s Big List of Things You Want to Think About Before You Get Married

1. Don’t go wiping anybody’s hind end for them - figuratively.

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We were sitting at the dinner table one night last week, talking with my four year old daughter about doing chores around the house. Hell, not even doing chores, just picking up after herself from time to time. We explained that one day she would have her own home, and that we wouldn't be there to make her meals, wash her dishes, and clean her clothes. 

The poor child was totally flummoxed by this, unable to foresee a day when she wouldn't live with us. Her first question was, "Why?" We tried to explain that when you grow up, you finish school and get a job and a home. You have to do things for yourself. We took it further to try to make the point stick:

Husband: "Do you know who you'll live with then?" (aiming for her to say herself)

Kid: "My husband?"

*husband and I look at each other*

This is one of those moments when I get further evidence that I am married to the right person. We were both instantly like, WOAH CHICA, you don't HAVE to get married. She didn't realize that. She thought she HAD to be married when she was an adult.

So, we explained, no. You don't have to get married when you're grown up. But we said that one day, she might meet someone she loves, and who loves her, and they might want to get married. We explained that she could always just live with that person, but she didn't have to marry them. 

She seemed to understand, so for fun I asked her what she thought might be things to look for in a future life partner. She was emphatic with her answer, which I heard as, "I wouldn't want to marry anyone who didn't like demself."

I looked at my husband again, so proud of her insightful and mature answer. I felt the tears welling up. It had taken me long into my own adulthood to learn this very lesson! So many other people never do! But here was my baby... clearly, I said to myself, I am winning at Motherhood.

But my husband was giggling, and he asked her to repeat herself.

"I SAAAaaaiiiDDDD, I wouldn't want to marry anyone who couldn't WIPE DEMSELF!"

OH, WIPE THEMSELVES. Not like. She wouldn't want to marry anyone who couldn't wipe their own butt. I got it. Her argument was that being able to maintain this level of care for yourself is of utmost importance, and is a huge milestone. As adults, they will have all these chores to do, and she can't be stopping to wipe some grown person's behind every time they need to go, just because they never learned to do it for themselves. She'd never get anything done. Plus, it's gross.

This conversation has inspired me to start Beth's Big List of Things You Want to Think About Before You Get Married. I'll be updating the list as and when, with the most recent entry at the top of the page. Number one on the list is: don't go wiping anybody's hind end for them - figuratively. I will say that you are excused from doing this, literally, if your loved one is gravely ill. But if you're planning a wedding and find yourself saying "yes, dear" all the time instead of speaking your mind and presenting ideas? You're wiping somebody's butt! Worried that you'll make things awkward if you discuss the finances? IS THAT A MOIST TOWELETTE IN YOUR HAND? There are times when, yes, letting things slide is OK. But there is a difference between being giving and being a butt wiper to keep the peace. If you're not careful, you're gonna be clipping their nose hairs and cleaning their ears before you know it. 

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I love to tell my potential clients that I strive to not offer unsolicited opinions. And then, of course, before the interview is over, I usually work in at least a couple of bits of advice they never asked me for. Sorry (not). Can't help myself. I just see so much crazy shit, and it registers, and I feel compelled to share. 

Funny thing is, best as I can tell, my clients are some of the chillest ones out there. Rare-- oh-so-rare-- are the bridezillas and the groomzillas. But even levelheaded lovers can fall into the WELL OF WEDDING WACKINESS. Sometimes planning a wedding can feel like trying to buy a healthy meal at 7-11. You're surrounded by so much shit that something that otherwise might clearly appear to be what it is-- PURE CRAP-- comes across as relatively harmless or even borderline good for you.

Of all the stupid shit I've seen over the course of more than 1000 WEDDINGS PERFORMED I'm going to say that the most consistently idiotic component across the board, from elopements to huge bashes, is CRIPPLING WHORISH HIGH HEELS. 

Ladies-- WHAT THE FUCK? Let me get this straight. On a date many refer to as THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF THEIR LIVES at an event that most likely involves copious amounts of alcohol possibly dumped into a stomach that you failed to feed that day either from nerves or a desire to fit into a dress you ordered a size too small thinking that would motivate you to drop a few... yes, on this very day when you are MOST LIKELY TO FALL ON YOUR ASS you choose to clomp around in CLOWN STILTS? And, you likely are wearing a to-the-floor dress, one that involves lace, or a train, or both, which are also known as TRIP BAIT, well let me just ask it again:

WHAT THE FUCK?

I have presided over many an affair clearly mapped out by PINTEREST PASSIONATE PAIRS. Often a giveaway is that the groom and groomsmen have matching beards, gingham shirts, and-- wait for it-- CHUCK TAYLORS. Maybe the Chucks are a little overdone, sort of the footwear equivalent of reading from CORINTHIANS and using PACHELBEL CANON IN D for your ceremony. But here's what else those shoes, that reading, and that music all have in common: THEY ARE CLASSIC AND THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.

You know what I love? I love it when THE BRIDE WEARS CHUCKS. Granted I'm an aging punk rocker that's been wearing Chucks with skirts since 1979. So yeah, I'm biased. But even setting aside my personal fashion preferences, let's just consider SAFETY and WELL BEING.

The dude who invented CRIPPLING HEELS -- and surely it was a dude-- must HATE WOMEN. Because those aren't really shoes. They are instruments of torture. (See the movie SWF if you don't believe me. OUCH.) I can't tell you how many times I've stood at the wedding spot and watched a parade of bridesmaids, also forced to wear these godforsaken shoes, teeter and stumble up the path, which is often some rustic flagstone or granite, totally uneven, EXPONENTIALLY INCREASING THE ODDS that this wedding video is going to wind up on AMERICA'S MOST BUMMER WEDDING BLOOPERS. My hunch is that a lot of women don't wear ridiculous heels as a matter of course, but they agree to do so for the wedding, and you know, it just LOOKS STUPID to see a group of women struggling to stay standing during a ceremony. 

I remember, clear as a bell, a wedding I did Memorial Day 2013. It was my fifth in five days. I was totally wiped out. It was a long drive out into the Hill Country. I rallied and found my second wind (fifth wind, technically) and was fully present for the couple. They were so wonderful, so clearly in love. And sure enough, his groomsmen all had on the gingham shirts. They looked adorable. And one-by-one, as each approached, he stopped, hugged the groom, and said I LOVE YOU. Now that's a tradition I'd like to see take hold.

As for the ladies-- EVERY BRIDESMAID HAD FLAT SHOES. This was so unusual and so practical that an image of all those healthily sheathed feet will always stay with me.

Look, I know some of you are geniuses as walking around in these crazy, spine-ruining FOOT LINGERIE. I know I cannot dissuade this subset from walking the catwalk walk down the aisle. So be it. But if you are on the fence, feeling like you need WHORE SHOES to make your big day complete, I am here to tell you: NOT SO. Wear what you want. Cowboy boots are a great option. So are bare feet. Come to think of it, that's exactly what I wore at my first and second weddings respectively. 

Neither one of those marriages lasted, true. But even if I can't look back with pride on my choices in husbands, I still stand firmly, and without a hint of a wobble, by my choice in footwear. 

Spike Gillespie is a wedding officiant in Austin, TX.

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Hey, you! Happy new year! Welcome back to our little bullshit-free corner of the Internet. If you're newly engaged, take a moment to check out our invitation to help you keep your blood pressure reading normal. If you've been here a while, grab a cuppa tea and sit back for a few!

I'm Beth, the other half of WEDDINGS ARE A RACKET. I post on Thursdays, and usually focus on second weddings. Sometimes, I tell you how awesome you are. Others, I remind you to breathe.

Today, I thought it might be fun to have a little science lesson. Did you know that both Spike and I are huge fans of hula hooping? We are! I think that we both try to hoop every day. I don't always manage it, and I miss it when I don't. It's a great way to exercise that doesn't feel like exercise. That's important to me, because I am actually very lazy and conventional exercise feels like torture to me.

When I first decided to start hooping again, I went to GIANT UNNAMED MEGASTORE RHYMING WITH HALLFART and bought a cheap, easily bendable, crappy hoop. I wasn't sure if I was going to commit, and I didn't want to invest a lot of money. I got home with the thing, and I tried to keep it around my waist. Nope. It just fell straight down. I could do it around my arms and my neck ok, but when I tried waist only, my maximum was four rotations. 

This made me super sad.  But, I persevered. Two rotations, drop, scream, four rotations, drop, scream, three rotations, hit my ankle, scream. And I’d keep that up for thirty or forty-five minutes at a time because IF IT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR BEYONCE IT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. Practice, I thought, will make me better!

What makes the hoop spin, though? You are the source of the hoop’s movement. When you move your bod, you propel the hoop around you. In doing so, you’re exerting an upward force from your hips to keep the hoop from falling. You’re also exerting a turning force known as torque to keep it spinning. What I didn't connect was that the weight and mass of the hoop, and the size of it, impact the amount of force needed to keep up a good spinning motion. 

So, if we have the weight pulling the hoop down, and our body giving it a push up to prevent it from falling, and we have torque giving the hoop a spin.. why doesn't it spin forever? Because of friction. Your body causes friction against the hoop and slows it down. That’s why you have to keep giving the hoop a little boost. But at the same time, the friction also works against gravity to keep the hoop up on your body. If you have a little hoop, it takes less time to travel around your body. A bigger hoop will take more time to make that full turn around you, and that means it will have less speed than the smaller hoop.

So we know these things are true: weight pulls the hoop down. You prevent that by moving your body and causing torque. Friction slows down the hoop, so you have to keep moving to keep it going, but friction also works to keep the hoop up. The greater the mass of the hoop, the greater the weight and the more the hooper needs to push for the hoop to react and stay up. The larger the hoop, the slower it will spin.

I decided that I needed a new hoop, and based upon the things that I learned, I wanted a bigger, heavier one. This may sound counter-intuitive to you, but because the hoop is bigger and heavier, it’s easier to keep it whirling around the waist. I did a lot of research and bought my new fancy hoop from a wonderful company during a huge sale, waiting to take advantage of further discounts they offered for joining (and having a subsequent fan girl meltdown when I saw the woman who runs the place eating at the table beside me at a buffet in Vegas, where I introduced myself and we both cried) The hoop I bought is adjustable, meaning that it was fecking huge at first, but that’s perfect for beginners who are slower and still learning. When I boosted my confidence because I was able to actually keep it going, I removed the additional section and my hoop is now a more conventional size. 

Yet again, you’re asking me what this has to do with weddings. Let me put it like this.  You can go the cheapy route, do it yourself without any research, get frustrated, and scream a lot. You can spend a lot of money in a rush and then find out that if you’d just taken time to think and plan, you could’ve gotten the same thing with just a little more effort, for a better price. Think of our WEDDINGS ARE A RACKET services as a well-researched hula hoop purchase. We will help you realize that a little friction isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as you keep on spinning. 

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Hello and Welcome Back! Beth and I took a couple of weeks off so all y'all could have your holidays, get engaged, then come rushing over here to figure out how not to spend the equivalent of the cost of a house on a five-hour reception. We're so glad you're here.

Firstly, if you really are newly engaged-- CONGRATULATIONS! Exciting, right? Now, here's a cheerful clue for you, to help you truly enjoy your wedding: If you make only one New Year Resolution, make it this:

I WILL NOT HAVE A NERVOUS FUCKING BREAKDOWN PLANNING MY WEDDING! 

Now, how to execute that? Well tune in here for ongoing advice. But the main thing is to remember that this is a celebration of love, not a contest to see who can spend the most money on linen napkins that are actually polyester. So anything you can do to stay focused on each other and have fun at your wedding, DO THAT.

For some people, this means hiring a planner, dropping a shit ton of money, and pulling out all the stops, with heavy emphasis on delegation of tasks. That's fine. For other people, it's all about the backyard potluck. And for others still, it's about meeting in the judge's chambers on your lunch hour. Before you get sucked into the WRONG WEDDING HOLE seriously sit down and discuss what you both want, what you each individually want, and how you are willing to compromise. Because here's a hint: if you can't figure out how to have a wedding where you'll both be happy, save yourself tens of thousands on the reception and the divorce and BREAK UP NOW.

I've got a couple of ideas to toss at you that might be helpful. Many of you already likely know that anytime you are able to order goods or service for your wedding and reception WITHOUT USING THE WORD WEDDING in the process, you might well save money. Because some retailers love to stick it to wedding clients. You can also consider a non-weekend and/or non-evening wedding, and if you go that route, you can ask your vendors if they offer discounts.

As a wedding officiant I offer discounts for tiny weddings, morning weddings, weekday weddings, and weddings when the couple knows I have to leave immediately after to get to another ceremony. I do not offer discounts to clients who tell me they rented Venue X, which I know is costing them tens of thousands, and then tell me my fee is "more than they planned." You know what? Find somebody else.

That said, I had a bride contact me recently who is having a super tiny weekday wedding. I told her my discount price and she said that was too much. And then SHE EXPLAINED WHY. Because her entire budget for wedding, dress, reception, and all of it? Well under $1500. I was so blown away by her decision to go this route that I cut her a slightly better deal. 

Just know this-- if you are asking vendors about discounts, I strongly suggest you DO NOT EXHIBIT A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT. Also, don't bother telling us someone else will do it cheaper. That doesn't motivate us to drop our prices. It makes us want to tell you to piss off.

You can find all sorts of prices out there. Those of us with higher price tags almost always have more experience, a bazillion excellent testimonials, and can easily make it clear in an interview why we're worth it. So if you're dismissing us because you're a cheapskate, that's our good luck. On the other hand, maybe you really, truly are on such a tight budget you need to go with your second or third choice vendor. That's cool. Just take a little time at the front end of planning and really interview people, see if you like their vibe, and take it from there. 

Which brings me to a plug for Beth & Me and our fledgling DIY WEDDING CONSULTING.  This service is for those of you who cannot afford a planner, understand that if you let your non-experienced friend take on the role that she'll totally fuck it up, but are also freaked out at the prospect of planning something you've never planned before. For a very reasonable fee, we fill in the gap for you, sit down in-person with you for a couple of hours to talk you through the basics, recommend vendors, and then are available throughout the process to help you navigate your way to your big day. Want more details? Just email me: [email protected] 

Have fun planning your wedding!

Happy New Year!

Spike

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So, remember a few weeks back when I told you that I had signed up for a thirty-nine day yoga flexibility challenge? Damn, I was excited. I bought a new mat and a new block. I uploaded a picture of myself to Instagram to show how rubbish I was at my chosen pose. I even hashtagged that photo to join in with other people who were participating in the challenge. 

I made it to day three. DAY THREE. I was inflexible about my flexibility. The old excuses crept in fast. I don't have enough time! I have to do x, y, and z for the kids! I'm so tired! I'm a big lazy butt butt face!

I'm bringing this up because I'm wondering - if I only made it to day three of my flexibility challenge, how did you do? Did you work on being flexible with your wedding planning, or are you now stuck in Ball Breaker pose?

One simple reminder today - breathe. Are your shoulders up around your ears? Is your jaw clenched? Are you resenting each other for things that you've made up in your head, but not actually done?

Stop making up stories.

Be flexible.

Listen.

Breathe.

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It is time once again to talk about time. Last month I had several things to say about the topic, a big one being to remember to have some flexibility. Today I want to zoom in on that idea, and use the story of a recent ceremony to illustrate my point. 

First let me say, I strive to be on time. I have not missed one single wedding in over 1,000. I'm not saying I deserve a medal for this. It's my job to show up as promised. One thing this means is that these days, thanks to Austin's insane traffic problem, I now have to leave my house a lot earlier than I used to to get where I'm going. It also sometimes means taking fewer gigs because where I once could get from Wedding 1 to Wedding 2 in a timely fashion even if they were scheduled close together, that is no longer true. 

But there are still days when I do perform multiple weddings. If it's going to be tight for me to get to a wedding a full half-hour in advance, or if I have to leave immediately afterwards, I will extend to clients what I call the Close Shave Discount. They agree that I'll either come screeching up or go peeling off, and I honor their flexibility with a lower price. 

I am perfectly comfortable stacking weddings. I've had enough experience to know what's realistic scheduling-wise. I was only super late one time when Google Maps misled me. That sounds like an after-the-fact excuse. But it's not. I had checked the map multiple times to figure out how to get to a small town I'd not been to before. My lack of familiarity led me to believe GM was pointing me in the right direction. Only when I was on the road and started seeing signs suggesting otherwise did I realize my error. I was horrified. I drove as fast as I could but it was raining and I knew that speeding in the rain wasn't a good idea-- better that I arrive safe than wind up in an accident. I called the bride's family multiple times to keep them apprised of my ETA. I wanted to throw up the whole time I was trying to get there. And I really wanted to hurl myself at the couple's feet, burst out crying, and apologize deeply and sincerely once I did arrive.

I didn't do that though. Because I knew if I did I'd be making it about me. And weddings aren't about me. They are about the couple. So as I finally pulled up to the venue, I said to myself, "Self, keep your shit together. Do not go in there and make a scene. Just say sorry once and sincerely and then go go go."

That's what we did. Afterwards I apologized again. And when I got home I once again plugged the address into GM, thinking perhaps I had made an error. Nope. Yet again GM picked the wrong spot. 

I still think about that couple sometimes, and have so much gratitude that they didn't flip out on me. I wouldn't have blamed them if they did. But they understood that these things happen. 

Now, for a completely different story. Recently I had a wedding out at Chapel Dulcinea, where I do maybe thirty weddings each year. I am intimately familiar with the venue, how long it takes me to get there, and protocol. I sometimes refer to it as the Vegas of Austin, as they host hundreds of weddings annually, scheduling them for 90 minute time slots throughout the day. I also have noticed that couples who marry there most often run later than the scheduled time.  

So the other day, when I arrived about forty minutes early for a ceremony, and noticed that the couple hadn't signed into the registry yet (mandatory), I grabbed a cup of coffee and parked myself outside of the bridal room, where most (but not all) brides get ready. I listened for cars to pull up. I kept my eyes open. By fifteen minutes prior to scheduled start time, I still didn't see the couple, which didn't surprise me given how late most couples are out there. I wandered around to the front of the building then and found a group of people looking a bit concerned. "Are you Spike?" one asked. I said I was. They told me I needed to hurry up, that I was late. 

Now, I knew I wasn't late. I know the chapel schedule and I knew that technically they didn't even have access to it for another fifteen minutes. But I was ready to go, no big deal, so I wandered down the path, where I encountered the bride who looked quite stressed out, and who said to me, "We were supposed to start twenty minutes ago!"

I gently said no, actually we were supposed to start ten minutes hence. But as I could see this did nothing to put her at ease, I went ahead and fake-pologized. I don't like being fake, but I hoped maybe it would help her focus on what was important, which was her wedding. Still, I felt on the defense, like everyone in the chapel was looking at me like I was the asshole for showing up late. I did not outwardly let my annoyance at wrongly being told I was late show, and as I always do, I delivered a great ceremony. But I so did not appreciate being blamed for something that wasn't my fault. 

After the ceremony, which ended four minutes after the original start time,  I checked my email just to confirm what I already knew. We had started ahead of schedule. I did the license signing and picture taking, and foolishly offered a second fake-pology, which I realized after the fact was really me giving the couple an opening to apologize to me for the stink eye. But no, that didn't happen. 

I wish I didn't spend so much time thinking about this stuff, but I do. So I thought about it for a couple of days. What I'm telling myself is that they really, truly had convinced themselves that they were starting at Time X, and that once that got locked in, there was no room to consider a different (accurate) start time. This was the mindset that informed the way I was greeted upon arrival. And likely their lack of apology hinged on still believing they were right, and that I was bullshitting them, despite written evidence to the contrary. People believe what they want to believe. I can't change that.

Two lessons then. The first is for me, that I have got to keep on remembering that some couples just get stressed out on their wedding day and no matter how early I show up or reassuring I am, they might not be able to full settle into what the moment is about (though thankfully this is rare). The second is that no matter how prepared you are, no matter how anal, on your wedding day at least one item on your timeline (and far more likely multiple items) are not going to happen at the exact moment you planned. Vendors get stuck in traffic. Dresses are trickier to get into than you realized. Makeup and hair people want "five more minutes." The ring bearer needs a sudden diaper change right before the processional.

You have to accept this, that time is a total Wiggle Monster. You might be the one running late. If I had an extra hundred bucks for every wedding that started a half-hour late, I could perform about 25% fewer weddings per year and have no loss of income. So bear this in mind as you plan and plan and plan. With so many moving parts, there are going to be glitches, hang ups, and delays. The more you're able to roll with these unforeseen changes, the more you're going to be able to do what's most important, the One Job With Three Parts I tell my couples they have: Breathe, Don't Lock Your Knees, and Feel the Love. 

If you can do that, everything else falls into place. I promise. 

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I cannot believe that it's almost been a year since we said "I do." It struck me that I hadn't ever shared our wedding photos on this blog, so here's a link to a post about us from our super-awesome, no-bullshit photographer. She's the lovely Kristi Wright, and yes, she took that picture up there. 

http://www.kristiwrightphotography.com/south-austin-elopement/

Kristi will be featured in an interview here at WEDDINGS ARE A RACKET in the coming weeks. You'll love her.

Anyway, a whole year. And you know what that is? That's an anniversary. And THAT means buying anniversary gifts. I've been spending time thinking about what to purchase for my partner in crime, and I have come across some truly AWFUL suggestions. Behold, my MS Paint renditions of these beauties:

The Romantic Coupon Book

For those times when you want to make your spouse beg for your attention and help. Really, if I can't empty the dishwasher for the man on my own, and he has to write out that request on a piece of paper and HAND IT TO ME, there's a breakdown of communication happening that we need to address pronto. 

Personalized Rubbish

Like this insane beast. His name, burned onto a piece of a cut log. This will what, allow him to claim a closet as his own "man cave" space? Because the rest of the house belongs to me and the kids, right?

The Anniversary Plate

"I gave her my heart, and she gave me a plate." 

First Anniversary Toilet Paper

I'm not joking. I really found this. This is a thing that exists. I guess it's the gift that keeps on giving!

As I got deeper and deeper into this pit of bad gifts, you know what I did? I lost my resolve and I went to Pinterest. Why do I do this to myself when I am trying to think of gifts? I started second guessing my ideas. We have chosen to follow the guidelines for traditional anniversary gifts, and the first is paper. By the end of twenty minutes of searching Pinterest, I felt like I was going to fail him if I didn't craft my own papyrus from recycled bags for his gift.

Bullshit spiral! Bullshit spiral!

Are YOU in a bullshit spiral? I can 98% guarantee that  you are if you're getting married or wedding planning during the holiday season. Consider this a Public Service Announcement from Beth at WEDDINGS ARE A RACKET:  Put down your phone. Step away from the laptop. Go have a nice bath and a cup of tea. Treat yourself. Hug some people. This time next year, you'll be looking for anniversary gifts. HA HA HA!

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Today I want to reflect on whom you should invite to your wedding. Well actually, I want to trot out a story about a time my ass got really chapped about not being invited to a wedding. Then I want to reflect on said chappedness. Then maybe we can sort the whole thing out together.

Back when I was dating my last boyfriend, he had some friends who were getting married. They sent him an invitation to their wedding. Even though my name wasn't on the invite-- in fact there wasn't even a generic Plus One mentioned-- he took the liberty of sending back the RSVP card and saying he'd be bringing me. (For what it's worth, I had no idea until after the fact this was happening, and so I had no hand in the RSVP he sent.)

The groom then called him and said sorry, but he couldn't bring me. Maybe the couple thought it was rude and presumptuous for my then BF to add a plus one where none was intended. Maybe my then BF thought it was rude to not include me. You know what I thought was rude? My BF went without me. I wanted him to boycott that wedding because I decided the couple in question were assholes for not making room at the table for me.

Now time has passed. I know some things I didn't at the time. I found out years after the fact that a friend of my then BF, upon hearing of some problems we were having, had informed the marrying couple that we were "broken up." The gossipy friend suggested that maybe his passing along of information informed the marrying couple's decision to not invite me. To that gossipy friend of my BF who took it upon himself to discuss my private life like that, I say, "Fuck you, mind your own fucking business." Also, the marrying couple could have simply put in a quick call to my then BF and asked what was up. They chose not to.

My then BF did report back post-wedding that there were lots of no shows and so there totally would've been room for me. I wasn't surprised. Bear in mind I attend around 130 weddings per year, and the number of no shows is pretty atrocious. People say they're coming and then for whatever reason fail to show up. Which, unless you have a contagious disease or are in the hospital, is just rude. And costs the couple money.

If I were really a big bitch, I would take glee that the couple that refused to allow me at their wedding wound up footing the bill for people who never showed up. But even on my worst days I try not to be that big of an asshole. Mostly I'm like, Who gives a shit? It's all behind me now. That said, if I ever did run into this couple at a party, I'd be in absolutely no hurry to chat with them. Which brings me to a FUNNY POINT.

I seriously would not recognize either one of them unless each was wearing big badges that said HELLO MY NAME IS ______ AND I'M  HALF OF THE COUPLE THAT SHUNNED YOU! 

What I'm getting at is that I have to factor my own bullshit into whatever sour feelings I had then, and whatever residual feelings I have now. I have to cop to the fact I was more insulted on principle than in reality. The truth is, though I am a site-specific extrovert when performing weddings, I'm actually a hardcore introvert who has a hard enough time hanging out with my actual friends. Sitting around as a guest at the wedding of strangers isn't really something I love doing, and that's what I would've been doing if I'd attended the wedding in question. 

I dig a little deeper, and I realise whatever momentary annoyance I felt at not being invited was exacerbated when my then boyfriend went without me instead of showing solidarity and staying home with me. So ultimately, my biggest takeaway from all this is that my irritation was about feeling rejected (by the couple and then by my BF) and NOT ACTUALLY ABOUT NOT ATTENDING.

Whew-- that is a WHOLE lot of WAY TOO MUCH THINKING about the wedding of a couple of people I don't give a rat's ass about, right? 

I hope somehow it will serve you as you are coming to terms with the fact that if you are not eloping, then you very likely are going to wind up wrestling with whom to invite and whom to leave off the list. It's an impossible task and feelings are bound to be hurt. You will be in this weird position knowing that even though you just cannot afford to invite all your cousins, some of your friends who are invited will bring along dates you did not know before and likely will never see again.

So, yeah:

Wedding Invitation List Compilation = Fucked Up Exhaustion Fest. 

I wish I had super great advice for you here. I don't. I do think it's important going in, that you know exactly how big (or small) you want your wedding to be, and you have that number ready to flash when your parents start pressuring you to invite the family that lived next door to you when you were three. Even if you have help paying for the wedding and it's not a matter of saving money, think about how much ENERGY you can deal with at your wedding. There's a huge difference between having thirty close friends show up for an intimate event and having to try to say hello to 250 guests, half of whom you can't name. 

And take comfort in knowing that those of us who get left off the list might bellyache about it as I'm doing here. But our complaining is not all about you, it's about our own bullshit that gets triggered at not being invited. In the end, we will survive, we will survive, hey hey. 

Spike Gillespie is a wedding officiant serving Austin, Texas and the Hill Country. 

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Hello, Beth here! Sorry I was so quiet last week. My family took a road trip from Austin to southern California for the Thanksgiving holiday, and I was either stuffing myself with Grandma Peggy’s fruit salad (which includes marshmallows and whipped cream, so “SALAD” is the word I use to fool myself into thinking it’s healthy to have seventeen scoops of it) or in the car. We made lots of stops along the way, and we had a great time. As you can probably tell from the photograph, yes, we took the little one to Disneyland.

It was in one of the gift shops there that we found the beautifully adorned Mickey ears bridal hat that you see before you. My daughter is four, and thought this was the best thing ever. She tried it on, and declared that one day she will be wed at Disneyland. After the ceremony, she said that we shall feast upon churros. I wasn't really digging her plan until the churros part, but at that point I gave her my blessing.

What did strike me, however, is that weddings are a little bit like going to an amusement park and waiting to get on your favorite ride. There’s all the preparation to get there, then you wait in line forever with some people you know and quite a few who you don’t know at all. You get on the ride, and it’s everything you’d hoped! It’s awesome and exciting! But then after a couple of minutes, it’s over. So, you go get a corn dog. 

The only difference is that at the amusement park, you can just get back in line again. Here’s hoping you’re not having another wedding quite that fast.

We also stopped in Las Vegas. I saw several brides and grooms while we walked around the big hotels, but my favorite couple was at the Venetian. She was wearing a white, full length gown. She had on a crown of white roses, and was wearing the groom’s suit jacket. He wore rosy cheeks, a suit, and was carrying a pizza box. They didn’t have anyone else with them. They were in front of us in line as we waited to go for a gondola ride. Everyone who walked past was congratulating them. They looked so happy! The groom got into the gondola first, and gently helped the bride step inside. The gondolier broke into “That’s Amore” as they pushed off, and everyone in the crowd applauded.

As you plan your wedding, I hope that you remember that you have options. Yes, Virginia, you can get married at Disneyland. You can eat pizza in a wedding dress while floating in a gondola through the inside of a casino. What do you and your fiancee love? The actual ceremony will fly past. Step away from the cookie cutter weddings, and make the whole event fun for the both of you. 

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This is one of my super best friends, Noska. He's a tattoo artist. I help out at the shop, Southside Tattoo, on Thursdays, and I write a blog about my adventures called Man College. I also encourage all of my friends to consider getting tattooed-- I'm heavily inked and I love it. One of my favorite parts about getting tattoos is that it is really healing for me. Often I'll get a design that commemorates something I've gotten through or a life event that I wish to commemorate. 

Recently, a friend of mine who is getting divorced wanted a tattoo to help her move forward. She chose an anchor, which is such a great image. I've got one myself. Anchors are very classic as far as tattoos go. And they symbolize something that can both hold you steady in rough seas, but also be pulled up to allow you to float on when it's time to do that. I also learned that some folks get anchor tattoos to indicate they have been across the ocean. Well my friend went across the ocean called Twenty Years of Marriage. Now she has a memento of that. 

Noska and I talk about marriage a lot. Partly because I'm in the business of marrying people. And partly because he has some views about marriage that many people might call non-traditional. For example, he said to my friend when she was getting her tattoo, "Marriage wasn't meant to last."

He wasn't being flip. And he wasn't being hurtful. He was being realistic. You've probably heard it said that the thing about the "Til death do us part" vows that some folks use first started being used back when most people died a lot younger. So to swear to be faithful til death might mean a 30 year commitment. Now a lot of people live to be 80 or 90 or even older. So imagine if you get married at 30 and die at 90. And imagine that during your ceremony you commit to be a total love bug for the whole time.

Well 60 years is a LONG ASS TIME to be loving someone. People change. They grow. They have midlife crises. They turn mean. Not everyone exhibits radical negative change. But face it-- this happens. And more than 50% of marriages breakup. I've been married twice myself. I know never say never, but I don't foresee ever getting married again. I can commit to loving people as friends forever. But I cannot see myself locking in with one other person until I die. I love my freedom too much.

So am I, a wedding officiant, saying that marriage robs you of freedom and that your union probably won't last? Not exactly. I like to think that the client base I attract has a statistically higher chance of making if for the long haul. I do not have hard stats to prove this. And I have run into folks who tell me they've since divorced. But my wedding website is very straightforward about who I am and what I do. I think as a result this brings to me folks who've thought long and hard about the commitment it takes to stick together, and drives away potential clients who probably need to think long and hard before tying the knot. 

Because despite my own track record, and despite my friend's observations about what marriage is and isn't, I AM ROOTING FOR EVERY SINGLE COUPLE I MARRY. I would love it if everyone who got together stayed together. 

All this leads me to a conversation I had with my roommate the other day. I was telling her how whenever a couple pledges to love each other until death do they part, I have a nanosecond of wondering if they understand just what a big commitment that is. Conversely, I think about the couple I married who, a few months after the fact, the bride was diagnosed with a rare and rabid cancer that took her before they even reached their first wedding anniversary. (I wrote a whole post about her here.)

I swear I'm not here to harsh your wedding buzz. I'm just suggesting that you think long and hard about what promises you are going to make. I have some couples who use the phrase "as long as love shall last" instead of "til death do we part." That might sound a bit non-committal but to me it sounds realistic. When I told roomie that, she wondered what I would have couples include in their vows if I really could convince them to write a real, true ceremony.

The very first thing I said? I said I would make them look at each other and vow that no matter what happens, no matter if they get divorced, they swear that they will strive to be excellent co-parents to any children they have during the marriage. Because far too often when there is a divorce, kids get totally fucked over, used as pawns, or lost in a shuffle of parental rage (I mean the parents raging at each other). 

So what other REAL stuff would I put in a ceremony if I could? How about these:

I promise that when I get really fucking angry at you, I will remove myself from the situation, go run ten miles or get a hotel room or whatever I need to do to calm down. Only then will I come back and discuss my feelings with you.

I promise that if we get divorced I will not be a total asshole to you. And if the best I can do is maintain civil silence, then that is what I shall do. But I swear to you, right here and now, as I promise to be with you forever, that if I am not, then at least I will not spend the rest of my days bad mouthing you.

When I promise to be faithful to you, I understand that even though it doesn't seem at all possible now, I recognize there might come a time when we get bored with having sex with each other, or one of us has a libido that crashes and burns, or some other sex-related obstacle will appear. And though I don't necessarily want to start out this marriage as an open relationship, I want to at least promise that if we do have sex issues, then we'll work together to figure out a solution, maybe an open marriage or acquisition of a FleshLite or whatever. But what we will NOT do is cheat on each other, conduct secret sex affairs that, by virtue of their secrecy, will guarantee the demise of this marriage and likely nullify the above promises I've made to be nice to you even if we do split. 

I promise to work on my own shit, and get therapy if I need to. 

I promise to work together to figure out a way for us to live peacefully with each other's wildly different approaches to money management. 

I promise that if you decide after the fact that you are not a ZPG atheist and are, in fact, a religion-happy zealot who has decided you want ten kids, I will divorce you in the most supportive way and encourage you to go do your thing. Just please don't try to drag me into Big Plans that are wildly different from what we agreed to before we got engaged. 

I promise to seriously try super hard to appreciate the crap out of you every day, which I understand is probably the hardest part of a marriage, because let's face it, when you live with someone everyday, it can be far too easy to take that person for granted, then ignore that person, and then resent that person. I am looking you right in the eyeballs, right now, and I am promising you that even if we don't make it til death parts us, well then goddammit, as long as love shall last, I will find at least one awesome thing to love about you every single day. 

Spike Gillespie is a wedding officiant in Austin, TX. She wishes you many, many happy years together. 

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Every time I finish a wedding, I do the same thing. I ask the couple if I might be in a picture with them (they always say yes) and then I post the picture on Facebook with the tag ILMJ. That stands for I LOVE MY JOB.

Boy do I. 

Each wedding is unique. Sure they all have a beginning, a middle, and a kiss. But the faces and families and stories are all different. I come away from every ceremony having learned something new. 

Nick and Ting flew in from China to marry at Chapel Dulcinea. He's American and she's Chinese. Nick's mom helped with a lot of the planning since she lives in the States. I did get to meet the couple via Skype before their wedding. But something I did not know until I received this video is that shortly after they got engaged, Ting had to have surgery to remove a brain tumor. In the video, she talks a lot about how Nick was by her side constantly throughout surgery and recovery.

Every year, at least a few times per year, I get requests from couples who want to get married sooner than originally planned because one of them has received a serious diagnosis, usually cancer. They want to go through the treatment together, as a married couple. While I am moved by all the stories of all the couples I meet, I am especially moved when I encounter such circumstances. 

So this week, just a reminder-- the wedding is a single day in your lives. And if you want to have an over-the-top blowout with a billion little expensive details, that is absolutely okay. But please don't lose sight of the true focus: you are joining forces with another to illustrate the old Strength In Numbers theory. In the end, it doesn't matter if you bought your bouquet from a street corner vendor for ten bucks, got your wedding clothes at the thrift store, and served Cold Duck instead of champagne. What matters is that you carry the spoken commitment you made that day on through all the other days in front of you. 

Despite having a rather wide non-traditional streak (to understate the matter) I'm never opposed to folks using the simple, age-old vows about promising to love and cherish each other, and to stick together for richer, for poorer, better or worse, and-- of course-- in sickness and in health. 

It's steadfast and abiding love that will see you through. Please try to not ever lose sight of that. 

Spike Gillespie is a wedding officiant in Austin, Texas.

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We spend a lot of time here at WEDDINGS ARE A RACKET talking about the practicalities of wedding planning, but today I'd like to take a step back and write something just for you. 

Yes, you. There. With the eyes.

If you are reading this blog, it's quite likely that you are newly engaged, and that deserves a big round of applause. Congratulations! You've found the person you want to spend your life with! You're brave enough to take up the offer of fighting with them over the remote and the State of the Toilet Seat for the long haul.

When I look into my crystal ball, I see much joy for you. There will be feasts, late nights with movies and blankets, knowing smiles across the room, and in-jokes. Things won't always be easy, but you've made it this far. You're learning about each other and how to communicate best with one another. We never stop learning, and the way the two of you communicate will no doubt change over the years, but there's something exciting about seeing how you grow together.

And while it is true that you are both harboring some bullshit from previous relationships, you look at each other with fresh eyes and think, "This is me, now." You stay up late talking about the future and making plans. When I was little, my mother and sister played a game with me. We'd talk about something that would happen when I was 10, and my mother would say, "When you're 10, I'll be 44, and your sister will be 24!" and we'd shake our heads because all of us being that old was impossible to conceptualize. I bet that you two talk about the future, and the "I'll be 62 and you'll be however-old and won't you be cute with grey hair," conversations start.

This is a magical time for you, so I'm going to ask you to do something that will no doubt sound a bit silly. Play along, ok? My friend and I were talking about an in-joke of our own the other day. I could remember the first time she told me about it, but she couldn't. I explained that I have a jar of lightning bugs in my head, and the lightning bugs are memories. That moment was a lightning bug. They spark up from time to time, and I like to let them fly around to keep them alive. Some things, I turn into bugs on purpose. Others are memories that stick around and surprise me. 

Stop for a minute, and turn this feeling you have about your engagement into a lightning bug. Feel the excitement and the nerves and the tingles and the love - then grab it. Stick it in your jar and put some grass in to nurture it. Put your jar in a safe place. One day, when you need it most, that memory's little butt will light up for you. It just might help you gain some strength and perspective. Don't worry; these guys won't suffocate... as long as you tend to them.

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Today we take a look at TIME and what that means in relation to planning and pulling off AN EXCELLENT WEDDING. Time and timing come into play constantly from PICKING A DATE to BOOKING VENDORS to STARTING PROMPTLY.

I was talking to a venue owner recently. He tells me that he often hears from couples hoping to book his place for DATE X because they say it is THEIR SPECIAL DATE. Maybe it's the anniversary of their first meeting, or their favorite holiday, or their dog's birthday. WHATEVER. The venue owner pointed out a couple of things-- one is that these couples often don't plan out far enough in advance and by the time they start looking, A LOT OF VENUES ARE BOOKED. And he makes the very excellent point that any date you select for your wedding, even if it was not a PRE-EXISTING SPECIAL DATE instantly becomes one because, DUH IT'LL BE YOUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

So LESSON ONE: If it's important to you to get married on, say, the 500th ANNIVERSARY OF RUMPLESTILSKIN'S BRIS don't sit on your ass and twiddle your thumbs-- BOOK EARLY. And LESSON TWO, arguably the more important lesson: BE FUCKING FLEXIBLE. Because if you don't get the date you were hoping for, and you let this SULLY YOUR WHOLE ATTITUDE well that's no way to have a JOYFUL WEDDING.

Another time related thing to consider: PAY YOUR VENDORS ON TIME and also CLOSELY READ THE FINE PRINT REGARDING TIME RESTRICTIONS. Every once in awhile I wind up working with couples who delay paying me. I send a reminder. They send an excuse or a lie saying THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL. I don't want to be a dick and NOT SHOW UP and, in fact, that's not really in my repertoire. But if you don't pay me on time, it is going to AFFECT MY ATTITUDE. No, I'm not going to wish you a CRAP MARRIAGE or even a MILD CASE OF FOOD POISONING ON YOUR HONEYMOON. But trust me, there's this subtle thing that happens inside of me when clients treat me like I'M ON THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST. 

Regarding FINE PRINT here's a story for y'all. Some time ago a woman contacted me about PERFORMING HER DAUGHTER'S WEDDING. I usually meet folks at CHERRYWOOD COFFEE and I strive to keep the meetings at about THIRTY MINUTES. I don't charge a fee for these interviews (apparently some officiants do) so I want to keep the timeframe reasonable because TIME REALLY IS MONEY and if 200 couples per year interview me, that's 100 HOURS OF MY TIME GRATIS. Anyway, this woman wanted me to meet her at a CHI-CHI WINE BAR. I agreed, and the meeting wound up taking a very long time and we talked about lots of things, NOT JUST WEDDINGS. For example she had another family member in crisis, and I knew a thing or two about the particular crisis, so I wound up cheerfully offering RESOURCES.

Things seemed grand, she hired me, she paid me and she even TIPPED ME IN ADVANCE which is TOTALLY UNHEARD OF. (Aside: I rarely get tips, they are always nice, but never expected.) Then one day she sent me an email acting ALL APOLOGETIC and said that her daughter found AN OFFICIANT SHE PREFERRED OVER ME. I said I understood, and I did-- after all the bride had never met with me, and it is a little weird to let your mom pick your officiant without also interviewing that person. 

I did point out that the woman had FORFEITED PAYMENT because I have a CLEARLY STATED POLICY that if you cancel within SIXTY DAYS you get 50% back, otherwise you get nothing back. WHY IS THAT? Because once I'm booked, I CAN'T TAKE OTHER REQUESTS for that date, and the odds that I'll get booked just two months in advance are quite slim. Initially the woman said she understood, but then she began PRESSURING ME for the money. I held fast-- my policy is a business policy and she was trying to exploit me emotionally and I WASN'T BUYING IT. So then she got really dicky about the ADVANCE TIP, which, just to shut her up, I sent back that amount. All this and that woman had taken up a TON OF MY TIME at the wine bar. 

So, LESSON THREE and LESSON FOUR: Pay on time. Don't be a dick to your vendors if you cancel their services and DON'T GET A REFUND. 

Regarding the REHEARSAL-- I'll do a full post about rehearsals soon. For now, just know LESSON FIVE regarding time is this: ALWAYS LIE TO PEOPLE AND TELL THEM REHEARSAL STARTS 30-45 MINUTES BEFORE YOUR ACTUAL START TIME. Because unfortunately very few people take rehearsals as seriously as they should. 

As for WEDDING START TIME, well this is a tricky one. I work with some couples who are so adamant about starting on time THEY ALMOST DON'T CARE IF THE ATTENDANTS AREN'T THERE YET. They are ready to GO, GO, GO. Many couples prefer to wait until most of the GUESTS APPEAR TO BE THERE. That's very nice, but consider this: There are a lot of people who, sadly, DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT BEING ON TIME. I witness this constantly. They roll in right as the processional is about to start, do a FAKE JOG with FAKE APOLOGETIC LOOKS on their FAKE SINCERE FACES. Look, I've been late to plenty of things in my life, and I know the older I get the CRANKIER I SEEM. Really I'm not that cranky. And I LOVE MY JOB. But the more I witness this tardy behavior, the more I think WE NEED TO FIX IT.

LESSON SIX, then, is SERIOUSLY CONTEMPLATE CEREMONY TIMING and also totally factor in your family's TENDENCY FOR PUNCTUALITY. If you know MAW MAW HAS NEVER BEEN ON TIME IN HER LIFE then assign her a MAW MAW HANDLER who will LIE TO HER FACE and tell her START TIME HAS BEEN PUSHED UP due to some IMMINENT NATURAL DISASTER. No need to tell her that the imminent natural disaster is HURRICANE ANGRY GROOM or TORNADO FURY BRIDE whipped into a frenzy because they have to wait an hour past the scheduled start time for the SELF-INVOLVED FAMILY MATRIARCH.

And what if YOU'RE THE NOTORIOUSLY TARDY ONE? Well then LESSON SEVEN is this: the first thing you should do, before booking a venue, a caterer, an officiant, or a DJ, is FIND AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER who will really, truly, KEEP YOU ON TRACK. This might be a professional planner whom you PAY AN ASSLOAD TO CRACK THE WHIP or it could just be YOUR MOST ANAL FRIEND. Just be sure you choose someone who understands the CONCEPT OF TIME better than you do.

Our final lesson for today, LESSON EIGHT is basically an explanation for why TIMING IS SO IMPORTANT. When you don't respect a WEDDING TIMELINE or when you have guests who DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR SCHEDULE the RIPPLE EFFECT kicks in. You thought you wanted to get married a half-hour before sunset to have THE PERFECT SUNSETTY KISS MOMENT? Well guess what? Because you're LATE now all your pictures are IN THE DARK which is way harder to work with than NATURAL LIGHTING. Also, the STRING QUARTET is going to BILL YOU FOR OVERTIME. The food is going to GROW LUKEWARM. 

I promise you-- BEING ON TIME IS REALLY NOT THAT HARD. It is a mindset, to be sure. But you have months to practice. So practice by showing up for interviews on time, paying your vendors on time, sending out invitations on time, and NOT WAITING UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE to do everything. You want your VENDORS TO BE ON TIME right? Well we want the same thing from you. 

All that said, it's quite likely that not every single thing you have planned will happen EXACTLY ON TIME. So leave a little WIGGLE ROOM IN YOUR HEART and DON'T FLIP OUT if the CAKE CUTTING starts at 8:10 pm instead of 8:07 pm, which you had really hoped for since oddly you and your groom and both of y'all's dogs were all born on August 7th. Being A FEW MINUTES LATE is not a huge deal. Being RIDICULOUSLY LATE is.