As an officiant I am often privy to all sorts of stuff that most people at a wedding are unaware of. The two MFC (most frequently "confessed") pieces of information I receive are these:
1. The couple is already married but their families don't know.
2. The bride is pregnant.
As with most other commentary I've provided here, my thoughts regarding being presented with this sort of information remains the same:
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK.
And I mean that in the most loving way. Here's the thing-- you're adults and you can do what you want. What is interesting to me is how many people reach adulthood, find the one they want to be with, go through an entire courtship, often live together, sometimes travel the world, sometimes buy a house, and do all sorts of other things pre-marriage with the knowledge of their parents and yet...
And yet they still cower at the thought of revealing pre-nups that they are expecting a baby or already legally tied the knot a year ago. This makes me curious as to what they are afraid of. Do they think their parents think they are not participating in sexual congress, and are saving their virginity for the wedding night, after the loss of which they will hang bloody sheets over the balcony of the honeymoon suite to assure the world all is as dictated in the bible?
Frankly I think it's a great idea to make sure you're super sexually compatible prior to committing to the institution until death do you part (or, as I prefer to say it in weddings, "as long as love shall last"). Because one of the top five problems listed among marital struggles is SEX. (The other four are: money, in-laws, kids, and who gets to lick the cake batter from the beaters. I made that last one up. The fifth is allegedly in-laws.) So hopefully, if you are pregnant, you had an awesome time getting there.
Also, I find pregnant brides to be very visually stimulating. And, when a bride is very, very pregnant (I once performed a wedding that was, I believe, on the bride's due date), you get the extra fun factor: Will she become a wife and a mother on the same day, and maybe even at the same moment? That said, I have had at least one bride postpone her wedding because she wanted to look top model hot in her wedding dress, and to her that meant after she had time to give birth and lose weight.
Regarding getting married before getting married. I actually perform a number of these pre-wedding weddings in any given year. In fact I've got one tonight. Some couples swear me to secrecy. Some conduct secret pre-ceremonies in the interest of getting insurance, green cards, or mortgages. Some just get married before their big ceremony because they can't wait to be married. They view the big ceremony as more of a party, and a chance to celebrate with and be celebrated by their friends and family.
My first instinct is to think-- well won't that be a little anti-climactic? Well, yes. But for some I think that's the point. Even the most chill couples can get walloped with an overdose of anxiety the day of thanks to today's Pinterest Pressures, the demand that every bridesmaid have matching pedicures that appear to have been executed by Michaelangelo, and that all the groomsmen have exotic bonsai orchids woven into their equal-length lumbersexual beards by beard-braiding specialists flown in from Bora Bora. One way to turn the volume down on stress is to share the secret knowledge that you're already hitched, and that this second, ginormous wedding is like being in a really fun play.
Ultimately, if you are keeping some element of your relationship secret, I think what you need to pay most attention to why you feel such a need for secrecy. Being a balls-to-the-wall type myself, I admit I don't understand all the hush hush. But then, I come from a place where, when I got pregnant without the "benefit" of marriage, I think my conservative family sighed a collective sigh of relief, taking my growing mid-section as a hopeful sign that I was not (gasp) a lesbian. And I did lie to a priest-- long story but, despite my non-religion, and despite what I said above about not worrying about what your parents think, I agreed with my mom's request to have my son splashed with a little baptismal water. The priest asked if Wolfie's dad and I were married. We said no. He asked if we would promise to marry soon. We lied yes. The priest died shortly after, dropped over of a heart attack, and I sometimes wonder if the God I don't believe in struck him down for baptizing our bastard child.
So I guess I do understand a little bit about how sometimes we need to bullshit just to keep the peace. But seriously, remember this: the more you let your parents (or imminent in-laws) mind your business and dictate your choices at the front end, the more they are going to butt in later on. Remember the old saying about how good fences make good neighbors, and vow to spend at least as much time making polite but very firm boundaries as you do cruising Pinterest for ideas on how to handcraft origami brandy snifters for your three hundred guests.
Spike Gillespie is a wedding officiant in Austin, Texas.












