a few months ago my best friend and i were having a discussion about whether we would like to die obliviously, while asleep, or whether we'd like to be awake to experience it.
i said i'd like to be awake, because in my mind, it's one of the most significant events of your life. it's also the answer to the question every human has ever had, since the beginning of our existence — what does death really feel like, and what's on the other side? what i hadn't considered is that even if i was awake, i might have no idea that i was actively in the process of dying.
as i bled out into my own body on that same friend's couch, it's not like i was completely oblivious to my surroundings. i was aware of how my body felt. the speed of my breathing, the cold, the nausea, my heart rate, the pain i was in; i was acutely aware of all of it. my brain just couldn't connect the dots.
i even had this sense of doom, like i knew something very, very bad was about to happen. and i was deeply, deeply confused. i don't know about what, just in general. it's very hard to articulate how this feels, because it's such a primal feeling that words just fall short of. i'll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.
but i didn't do anything about how i felt. by the time i had bled enough to, in a normal state of consciousness, realize something was very wrong and find help — i had lost the ability to, because my brain simply did not have enough oxygenated blood to produce a thought that stressful and complex.
to call for medical help would have required me to not only acknowledge the danger i was in, but also weigh the complex social and financial decision that it would be to call an ambulance, and that was way out of my brain's capabilities. doing nothing was the easiest, most resource-effective thing to do. so i kept laying there, until the pressure in my abdomen (which i now realize was blood, not urine), made me want to use the bathroom.
and that was a quick, mindless, routine decision, so then i got up, and almost immediately lost consciousness and dropped onto the floor. standing up made my blood pressure drop quickly and severely enough that my heart couldn't pump blood to my brain against gravity, so my brain shut everything off to force me back into a horizontal position, where it could get enough blood to stay alive.
if i stayed laying down, my blood pressure would have kept dropping and dropping, until i just silently went unconscious and died within 45 minutes. if i hadn't got up and fainted instantly, my friend wouldn't have realized the danger i was in, and wouldn't have called the ambulance. if the paramedics and nurses were just a little more tired, a little more sleep deprived, they might not have been quick enough to save my life. if the person who's blood is currently running through my veins hadn't donated it, i might have bled out in the ER.
the thought that i was half an hour away from death is terrifying. and it's not something i've thought of before, but when i'm of age, i feel it's my duty to donate blood whenever i can.
turnnoffyourmind
jbbartram-illu
tangentwithtanner
gummygunk
origamiaround
stormborns
