whining about my disaster of a dating life @weirdohippiefreaky - Tumblr Blog

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I turn 51 in less than a month. i’ve been unemployed for almost 3 years. My savings is shrinking and I finally got a job interview that I thought my 20+ years of customer service experience would work to my advantage. As I was picking the boys up, I looked at my email and they told me that I was not going to be getting a second interview. This is really hitting me hard. I thought for sure I was qualified for this job. Kevin is so worried about me being unemployed for so long and I really want my boys to be proud of me and I feel like as long as I’m not employed. How could they possibly be proud of me. I guess I’m gonna have to keep applying, but I am the biggest slacker in the world and hardly ever apply. Almost every job I see on indeed is a sales position which I 100% do not want. I am sincerely worried that I might be unemployable. i’m trying to hold it together because I know Kevin’s upset that I’m upset. He’s very empathetic like me and I don’t want him to worry too much.

I woke up the other day and looked at Instagram and Kristan’s boyfriend came up as a friend suggestion. I decided to look again at all of the right wing pages. He belongs to one of the pages was literally called “Nate Higgers” . I absolutely am so humiliated that she chooses this lowlife cross burning neo Nazi, who literally dehumanizes me and my family, as well as my close friends, and she sees nothing wrong with continuing a relationship, knowing this. My inability to get an erection and my proximity to her allows him the benefit of the doubt every time. God, I wish I had more dignity. I just stopped talking to her. But I have none so here I am.

I have no idea what’s going on with Lauren. When she actually does reply to me, she’s very affectionate and seems to like me, but then we’ll go a week where she doesn’t say a word. Although the last time we spoke, her response felt very formal. I sent her a bunch of gifts from Temu for her birthday and hopefully they’ll cheer her up. She quit her job after one of the bosses had been bullying her and it resulted and him getting fired as well as the head of HR when they found out that she had submitted multiple complaints and they never did anything.

every once in a while, Kevin will ask me about my divorce from his mother. I foolishly laughed when he said something that their stepfather does and said “your mother divorced me for so much less” then he asked “why did you and mom get divorced?” and I again gave him a vague quote well sometimes relationships just don’t work out the way you want them to and it was for the best” and I also told him that his stepfather was actually a better match for his mother… Because that’s true. But lately I have been thinking about the fights we had before she moved out. I try not to think about it because I really don’t want to resume resenting her and I don’t even resent her for the affair anymore. I resent her for the lies for making me try to “compete“ for her love against Ian, which she already decided that he was the winner. How I wrote her multiple emails with a heartfelt message that I loved her and I wanted to make this work for the sake of our marriage and for the sake of our family and she turned around and gave them to Ian so they could both laugh at what a Cretin I am. Her saying “oh Eli I’m really gonna fall in love with you“ in that incredibly sarcastic manner still haunts me. She really thought that she was this fantastic prize, and even though I already married her for some reason I had to prove… Something. And I know this is beating a dead horse, but I know I’m never gonna change. I’ll always feel like a failure. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever get married again. I don’t think I’ll ever get married again and I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever have a decent job again.

so I’ve messaged back-and-forth three women from Hinge. All three ghosted me as soon as they found out I was unemployed. I’m thinking I’m probably just gonna stop even trying for a bit. I might not even bother until I finally do find employment.

I actually did hear from Shawna again. Turns out she had got back together with her ex-boyfriend who suffers from bipolar and schizophrenia. They are now broken up and she was able to get rid of them… Apparently he was actually living in her house. she apologized told me that it had nothing to do with me and that she probably never should’ve joined a dating website in the first place because she needs to recover from this toxic relationship she had admitted. If it’s not one thing it’s another.

I also have been talking with Lauren from Virginia quite a bit this week. It is a big shame because she is so into me and I’m into her and we have a lot in common. oh well.

dude! So after Heather broke up with me, I sent Shawna a message and she actually replied immediately. We talked for a little bit and I thought to myself how I should look for another dead tribute show and ask her to come with me… I mean, for a dead head that’s like the perfect date. And I was very excited to see that Joe Russo‘s almost dead was playing at the Met on North Broad Street in Philly. I bought two tickets immediately and asked if she would come. She asked if it was OK if she got back to me by Wednesday because she had to work Saturday morning. Of course I said that was absolutely fine and we dropped it. Wednesday came and went. I sent her a message on both text and on Instagram and I never heard anything. I kind of wondered if I heard from her the next day if she gave me an ass kissing apology, I would let it go. It is now eight days after I spoke to her and asked her to the JRAD show. and clearly she is blowing me off. I have met very few deadhead women through these dating services. The only one that I’ve ever been on a single date with was more than 20 years ago from JDate and that really did not go over well , we were very awkward. although to be fair, it was probably mostly me because I’m just a very awkward person. She definitely did most of the talking and I was feeling very nervous. I have no idea why it took me so long to realize that getting stoned before a date actually helps me tremendously and not hinders me. I cringe when I think about that date considering we were together for like four hours and it was painful yet I still tried to kiss her at the end of the night because with my logic “what the hell, why not?” which of course she immediately pushed away because that’s not the way women work… At least not with me. I originally made a TikTok complaining about Shawna blowing me off, but I realize that I couldn’t listen to it because it would make me cringe and the idea that Kristan would see it also made me cringe. I like to believe that they’re all flakes, but I’m sure that I must have something to do with it, too. And I did actually have a great time bringing Bill with me instead plus he and I went to Chris’s 50th birthday party the following day… it was pretty cool. I had a good weekend.

oh yeah… In my crusade to live Cringley my entire life…as soon as I got the notification that my ED medicine had finally been approved. I took a screenshot and sent it to Heather just to show her that I was in fact doing something to make our sex life a reality. boooo

fuuuuuuuck

I once again lose someone by being myself. I texted Bridget during the JGB show by showing her videos of the show itself. And i definitely never texted anyone by Kevin on our date to the movies. i just didn’t tell her it was Kevin. I don’t remember texting anyone non stop on our first date either but i guess that depends on the definition of “non-stop” but if that’s what she saw, then i can’t tell her she’s wrong.

so… i laid it all to Kristan. Turns out her BF is nothing more than a glorified fuck buddy who hardly ever texts or calls, will only come over twice a week for sex and food and bails first thing on sunday morning. i’m sick with anxiety she’ll still choose him over me. That was yesterday and we’ve barely spoken today. I know i can’t expect an answer immediately but i’m also worried she’ll just never say anything, i’ll finally break down and ask her and she’ll either ignore/evade the question, she’ll just tell me she wants the MAGA hillbilly who treats her like an afterthought or the worst possible scenario, she’ll say she “doesn’t know” and thus, continue to string me along all while ironically getting strung along by him. oyyy i wish i didn’t care

I recently got back in touch with Jill from West Chester. we’ve been talking about all of our mutual friends and she was telling me about how she and so many of the other girls were hooking up with like easily half the dudes in our friend group and I’m embarrassed because I know I shouldn’t care at this point, but I can’t help the fact that I got a little bummed… solely because I wanted a girlfriend so badly that entire time and no one seemed interested in me. Granted, I was too anxiety ridden with a crippling fear of rejection to even *ask* so… it’s totally on me. So, I don’t actually blame any of them (obviously.) but I can’t help but feel that, even all these years later, just a little disappointed that the four years I lived in West chester I never had a girlfriend once. And I know this is gonna sound like me falling into Incel bullshit, but Jill had this boyfriend who was very physically and mentally abusive. I remember at the time thinking how much better I would treat her (I had a little crush on her, but I pretty much had a crush on sooo many of my female friends during that time so…that really doesn’t say much).

sometimes it is kinda hard not to fall into an Incel trope. It’s hard to not feel a little bitter when you don’t get any matches or replies on online dating going on *years*. And I know that I’ve definitely fallen into the whole “nice guy“ groupthink. I try to be self-aware. I try not to do things just to be rewarded. i admit, I definitely had much more of a “nice guy” mentality back in my 20s. I do disagree with some of the comman points many women online are claiming, that showing respect and being kind is the “bare minimum“. There are so few people that really do show respect and sincere kindness. People who really do put others first should be considered a positive trait…right?! But, maybe that’s just me still stuck in that “nice guy“ quagmire. I haven’t had the motivation of “be nice to a woman because sex will be your reward” in a long long time. I really do like to be kind to everybody… Well, most people. But I have, of course found myself being bitter at women like Annette, who had gotten out of that abusive relationship, had absolutely had no interest in me after i tried to ask her out on dates, then proceeded to get into another relationship with another horribly abusive guy. That was well over 20 years ago, but it was still a hard lesson to learn. And what is that lesson? In my experience, if there is a woman who consistently gets in relationships with terrible men, she’ll forever choose that kind of guy. She probably doesn’t even realize that she sincerely likes dangerous tough guys. Maybe she looks at it more like “alpha“ guys guys who take charge have full confidence and mistakes being sociopath with being bold. Obviously, Annette and I would not have been a good couple seeing as she was just not attracted to guys like me. I mean, most women aren’t. That is not me looking for sympathy, it’s just self evident. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have a job again. I keep applying while hardly getting any responses and the majority of the jobs that are suggested I just simply don’t want to do (fuck sales jobs) God, I wish I could just retire.

that awkward, depressing moment when you are swiping on profiles on a dating website and you’ve swipe left on at least 20 in a row and think to yourself “man, I have really reached the bottom of the barrel“ and then you instantly realize that you yourself have become the bottom of the barrel seeing asmy profile is clearly been swiped left by virtually all of the women who saw it

Kevin: why do you have a bald spot on your head?

me: because it’s genetic

Kevin: is it ugly?

me: well, it’s not beautiful

Kevin: is that why you can’t get women anymore?

freakin ouch, man

well, that deadhead chick Lauren has flaked out on me. We agreed to meet up halfway, which happens to be Washington DC on a day that Melvin Seals and the Jerry Garcia band were playing there. She told me she was so excited she couldn’t sleep that night so when I didn’t hear from her pretty much all day. I didn’t think much of it but once another 24 hours went by and she was starting to leave my messages “on read“ if I would ask about the details, I started to have a bad feeling about what was going on. Now, I resisted the urge to demand an answer after two days and still no confirmation or even acknowledgment that she got the question of should I buy the tickets now. As I was leaving the flea market on Sunday (this is five days after the fact) I finally demanded an answer. I’m glad she then fed up because I would’ve been really pissed if she denied it or claimed “there is nothing wrong, what are you talking about?” she said she got spooked and that she was probably overthinking it. But can we just agree that we will get together in the near future. I said “fine” but the truth of the matter is I now think it’s never gonna happen. The momentum our conversation had was effectively fizzled due to her avoiding talking to me for five days. Now, I know I’ve said this before…and I know no one *likes* being ignored, but I guess with my history of always feeling like I am at best somebody’s back up plan or at worst they don’t even think of me at all, getting ignored really hurts me, especially when it’s somebody who just 24 hours earlier was acting like they were really interested and it’s not like we had a conversation that could’ve been anyway that misinterpreted to be something insulting. At least not this time. That was now five days ago, and our conversations have not really recovered. I know that I have no idea if this is normal for her, but I am disappointed, but I’m trying not to get too down about it. There was no chance we could’ve actually been a permanent couple due to our distance, but it really is annoying having someone get my hopes up only to be dashed yet again.

it never fails. I started talking to this woman Lauren she lives about five hours away in Williamsburg, Virginia. About four days ago she requested to meet halfway and I realize that Washington DC is about halfway between us. We were looking to see if there were any Grateful Dead tribute bands playing in DC the few days that we would be there together and I saw that Melvin Seals and the Jerry Garcia band were playing. It seemed almost too perfect. The following day she sent me a message that afternoon, saying she barely got any sleep because she was so excited about us getting together. That, of course, really boosted my confidence. I was thinking to myself “at least I know I’m gonna have three days of the kind of relationship that I want“. But then my messages were left on read until the following afternoon when she told me that she fell asleep at 7 o’clock due to her having insomnia the night before as previously stated. Fair enough, right? But here’s the thing… She has barely been responsive to me since. I said two days ago that I was gonna buy the tickets to the show and at first she said that she was excited about it then she said to stop she might not be able to make it. She didn’t say why, but I didn’t ask. She said she would either know by the end of of the day or at most the following day. Yesterday, we barely spoke. She was answering me and just one or two sentences each time and eventually my messages were just left on read. The last message was us talking about the show and her asking a reminder as to what day the show was on which struck me as a little odd considering I thought she was so excited to go sigh, whatever. I told her the date and it was left on read. I sent her a message this morning and we talked for a little bit, but she made no mention of whether she got an update or not. The conversation was a little awkward again. It didn’t really feel natural. I just got back from French Creek with the dog and I hate that I did this, but I wasted getting exercise in the woods by brooding about how this is classic for me. That no matter what every woman will change her mind about me. I have no idea if I did anything in the last 48 hours that made her change her mind but then of course I started to think about Kristan and about how she chose this James guy over me and that just sent me spiraling into anxiety and anger. So now I’m back at my house waiting for my sons to come home…I’m unemployed. I’m single. I’m again feeling embarrassed and humiliated and feeling hopeless. I was going to call Bill and ask for his advice on whether I would be overreacting by messaging Lauren that it feels awkward that I have to keep asking her this. But I decided I’m just not gonna bring it up. As much as it annoys the shit out of me and makes it feel like i’m not even worth giving an update to my impulse to demand an answer from a woman has never once resulted in anything good. And I know I’ll get the same song and dance from all my friends if I ask them. They’ll say that I don’t know what’s going on in her life and maybe she is really excited. I don’t know her very well. Maybe this is just her way yada yada yada. God, I hate being neurodivergent. It really is so shitty.

oh, my father called me yesterday and apparently my brother had major surgery on a herniated disc in his back and he also said something about it being cancerous. I texted my brother and he said that our father was misinformed that it wasn’t that big of a deal. Yet he did not confirm or deny the cancer report.

On a totally different topic although maybe it’s actually totally related. I’ve been having a lot of crazy dreams again lately. I had a dream that I was back in Woodland, although Woodland was in a completely different area, Mr. Simpson with our teacher and a bunch of the students including Mike Cohen we’re smoking a joint right in the middle of class. It seems to be in the same area where my head takes me when I’m dreaming about the sphere in Vegas. It’s just mostly strange because it’s clearly not the sphere but the man music center in Fairmont Park in Philly. Which is especially strange considering the man music center is an outdoor venue and the sphere is obviously not.

grrrrrr i’m going to fucking die alone, aren’t i?

Standing on the moon

Where talk is cheap and vision true

Standing on the moon

But I would rather be with you

Somewhere in San Francisco

On a back porch in July

Just looking up to heaven

At this crescent in the sky

Standing on the moon

With nothing left to do

A lovely view of heaven

But I'd rather be with you - be with you

💔💔💔

song has been going through my head all day. i remember putting this up on face the day i was taking the boys to Hershey Park and Michael said “get yourself back out there”. ugh he totally knew i was talking about Kristan. oyyy being neurodivergent sucks

why don’t you work like other men do?

How can I work when the skies are so blue?

Hallelujah! I’m a bum. Hallelujah! Bum again hallelujah. Give us a hand out to revive us again.

Why don’t you save all the money you earn?

If I didn’t have to eat, I’d have money to burn

so I looked into the face of death last night when I found out carbon monoxide was totally getting spewed into my home. Thank God, the boys are with their mother. I seriously could have died in my sleep last night had the HVAC guy not showed up.

While I was driving into Philly, I had a little bit of a panic attack, but I was also thinking about Kristan a lot. I know, I always do. But I just wanted to say that I love her. I messaged her to let her know about my brush with death so I called her after she asked me to and after I gave her the scoop about how I almost died. I told her about how much she means to me and I said how I know she has a boyfriend and I don’t wanna come between them, but I still wanted to say something. She then said I might get fired from my girlfriend position and then went off about how her boyfriend James, is “an asshole“ is grouchy only makes time for two days out of the week and apparently she is planning a surprise birthday party for him which he hates. she called him a grumpy. Gus I regrettably made some comment about how she deserves someone better she laughed. And I also regrettably said if you two do break up, does that mean we could resume our relationship? She just laughed again and then just said “maybe“. I’ll never learn. I told Bridget about how I called Kristan and she said that my feelings for her was really sad. But how much time and energy I spend logging for her when I deserve better. She then said it’s clear that I don’t share the same feeling about being single like she does and how she loves being single. I didn’t say anything, but I was thinking “the difference is you could find a man at any point. And you know that. it’s safe to say she has so many dudes who would knock over their own mother to go on a date with her. And I don’t mean that in any kind of disrespectful way it’s just a lot easier to be single by choice when you know that at any point you could you could get a partner whereas someone like me who just can’t get a partner. but it’s tough because again Kristan is kind of leaving it very vague and I know if she does break up with this guy there’s no guarantee that she’s gonna want me considering she got with this guy the first place knowing full well that I wanted to get back together with her. I’m starting to really get the word “Simp“ in my head. Because that pretty much epitomizes me. I absolutely simp for Kristan. But I don’t see her breaking up with this guy anytime soon. And of course, I looked him up on Facebook and he’s a handsome guy. So, the one thing that I always hope that I have over other men is gone. siiiiigh.

I know, I should be talking more about the fact that I literally almost died last night. I am still pretty damn shook about that. The concept of the boys’s mother going into my house and finding my week old corpse, lying in bed and possibly the boys seeing it too, traumatizing them for life is something I just can’t really think about.

I really don’t understand why, but finding out that Karen and Carly Jane both got boyfriends very shortly after we spit has added to my feeling bummed out. I guess I kind of feel like I am very replaceable. Not to mention the fact that I already had so much difficulty getting a woman’s attention when I had a job and now that I’ve been unemployed for over a year? I feel like I don’t have a snowballs chance in hell. I was just watching a YouTube video on ask Reddit “what ruined modern day dating“ and I guess that also bummed me out. In fact, a lot of the time the ask Reddit postpunk me out. I like hearing the ones about dating disasters with clueless people, but sometimes it hits too close to home you know? I sometimes wonder if I fall into the category of a “nice guy“. I don’t expect anyone to give me sex for no reason or just because I do the bare minimum. I sincerely believe everybody is entitled to date who they please, and for whatever reason. That being said, it’s tough knowing that I so very rarely fall into the category of what a woman wants. Online dating really is just a bonanza for women and a desert for men. I can’t really talk about this on Reddit cause I’ll get down voted to oblivion…being called an incel or a loser and being told that’s all my fault. And technically, I *am* an incel in that I am indeed involuntarily celibate. The longer I go with no replies, no matches, and no one really showing any kind of romantic interest in me the more start to feel that some of the things these misogynistic pricks say aren’t entirely untrue. I’m not an ugly man. I might be 49 years old, but I keep myself in pretty good shape and I still have a handsome face yet I didn’t get a single like on Tinder. All of my messages on Hinge go ignored. I want more than anything to not care, but I can’t help it. Sometimes my depression and loneliness feels like it’s gonna swallow me. I do have good friends, including of course, a female friend. But I feel like I don’t want to tell Bridget how much being single bums me out. Mostly because she’s made comments about “losers who can’t get laid” before and I can’t have her thinking I’m some kind of neck beard or incel. I know she would be nice about it, but I would be paranoid that she would actually think I’m some kind of tool and I just can’t have that. Luckily, I can talk to Bill and Andrew about it but there’s only so much those guys can really do.

another reason I generally won’t go to Reddit is because I’m just too sensitive to criticism. I put my Tinder profile up on a throwaway account to ask what I’m doing wrong and I got one response that said “you’re 49 and you’re still on Tinder? Aren’t you from the generation that actually knows how to talk to women? just go to a bar“ I immediately deleted the whole thing. I was really nervous to put it up because of the last time I asked for people‘s opinions of my profile, it immediately just became a free-for-all of insults, put downs, being told i’m ugly, my jokes are bad, calling me “cringe“ one woman on there said that I would be a “hard left“. Ok, I get she *thought* she was being helpful, but all that did was just insult me. And of course, all the advice that I got was conflicting with other pieces of advice. Some people said that my bio wasn’t funny enough, some said there was too much attempted humor, some said it was too long, some said it was too short. I don’t know.

And one thing I know for sure, don’t ever tell somebody who’s lonely, miserable and full of anxiety, that “it’ll happen when you least expect it” that kind of thing doesn’t happen to people like me. Never did, and it never will

(dictating so it’s going to be all over the place ) OK, I had finally gotten a match on bumble. It’s a woman named Barbara from the country of Georgia. She actually swiped right on me because the first American man she dated was also a deadhead. And she seems to have liked the whole scene. It really seemed like she was interested… But, turns out she’s still hung up on this guy. Pretty annoying considering I met her on a freaking dating website and win you get as few matches or responses as I do and you have as much anxiety as I do it makes it even more annoying because now again, I’m not talking to anybody.

i’ve been having a lot of anxiety ridden dreams at night. Last night I dreamt that Bridget and I were taking a trip somewhere together. We randomly ran into Spencer flowers. Spencer looked like a teenager, though, because I haven’t actually seen him in 30 years. I don’t think we saw him very long, but shortly after that, Bridget began hanging out with these two random men and at one point, she comes back to me and says something about she doesn’t wanna hang around me anymore and she’s gonna go be friends with these guys instead and then just kind of walks away, leaving me alone in the room wherever we were. I tried to tagalong, but I was stopped at the door being told that I didn’t have an appointment and they did. I have a feeling that the main source of my anxiety about people ditching me really came from when I was in Farham. Specifically, the first year I was there. now, I have always had anxiety that people didn’t like. And that’s probably because a lot of the time they didn’t. I like to believe it was only because of my anxiety which made things awkward and weird sometimes. But, I think it did the most number on my head. (at least it’s left me with the greatest impression) the way, my so-called friends at Farm literally never included me with almost anything. no one ever thought to invite me when they left for dinner at the café. no one ever knocked at my door to see how I was doing, or just hang out in my room. Sara, of course was the absolute worst with this. I really had a tough time excepting that she really was indifferent to me and it’s yet again another example of how my life would’ve been so much better if I had a drivers license. I was just thinking today as I was driving back from Walmart about how I could possibly have less anxiety if I had gotten a drivers license as a teenager instead of in my early 20s. I was just remembering all of the really awkward situations that I had to put myself in in order to get a ride places specifically with my mother or Sara. And it’s really weird that this random woman I haven’t seen in like well over two decades could have such an effect on my anxiety. but it was of course, that time when she said she would give me a ride from her parents house back to Fareham and this is after she had already reneged on driving me to her parents house I end up getting a ride with my buddy Jack, and then taking a train from Richmond to Philadelphia. but she said she would give me a ride back. So on the day before I was supposed to go over. It was a Saturday night. I called her to make sure everything was still going as planned. She told me on the phone in a very nonchalant way. Oh yeah I’m leaving tomorrow morning. This is always bothered me. I guess because it is the most straightforward example of indifference that I had always feared people had toward me. I guess Sara was just the type of person who didn’t know how to NOT make it totally obvious that she just did not care at all. like it’s seriously didn’t occur to her to apologize at all.

The other part of my dream was, I was going on like a vacation with my family, including my mother. This is one of the few dreams where my mother appears, but it’s not strange that she’s alive. Usually, when she appears in my dreams at night I know that she supposed to be deceased, but for some reason she’s still alive. I theorized that’s because to me she’ll always be in my head. Apparently my sister has the exact same dream. It’s just that mom is somehow just still alive and has just been hiding or just has gone away for a long time but now she’s back and all seems so oddly normal. my sons were there too, but all I remember is that it was in some kind of cabin that was mobile. But it was attached to this lake roller coaster kind of track at some point. The only other thing I really remember is us packing up to go home and my dad who looked a lot younger said he was gonna drive us home but first thing he needed to do was get a six pack of beer… Which alarmed me because, you know, he doesn’t drink. So I said that I would drive instead. The only other thing I remember is gathering up my brothers, my Father’s and my glass bowls. They all appeared to be unused, but I rushed to put them away, so my mother did not see them.

nat call me the other day and he actually just got out of two months of rehab for alcohol addiction. As a result, he’s not coming to the rock lake trip in a couple of weeks. Which I’m totally bummed about. I was looking forward to hanging out with them, he really is a good friend. He was always cool. He was never a dick. Never tried to really make fun of me or put me down anyway. I feel bad that I’ve used to talk trash about him when I was a teenager. That was 30 years ago, but still, I feel bad about it.

oh yeah, I started talking to Kristan again. She had a kidney infection and it drew me back in. We’ve talked a few times since, but I don’t really feel the need to talk to her as of now. She really fucking hurt me and it still gives me anxiety. I’m still bothered that Carly Jane so coldly said she never wanted to see me again after what I thought was a great date and we had spent like 2-3 weeks chatting daily laughing and getting along great. Oy oh well, what are you gonna do?

yesterday would have been my 15th wedding anniversary had things gone differently. It’s hard to imagine it ending any other way now that enough time has gone by. Clearly her husband is more of a grown up than i’ll ever be, and that’s ok.

Bridget unwittingly has a sugar daddy lol. The man is about 20 years older than us, retired and is spending his retirement doing deadhead stuff. He’s taking her to Costa Rica to a deadhead resort AND to Jamaica to see Dark Star Orchestra at a different fancy resort. She told me that she’s not sexually attracted to him…that it feels like she’s dating her grandfather…and maybe they’ll just be friends. She keeps saying maybe she’ll get me a ticket too to one of these fancy things..:which i wouldn’t do. It would be SO damn weird to be a 3rd wheel that her BF paid for and would almost definitely wouldn’t want me there (I wouldn’t want to be paying for my GFs male best friend to be cock blocking me half the time either). If she ends up dumping him after all this shit he’s doing, i’ll feel kinda bad for him.

so, i had a date with Carly Jane on Saturday. things were great. we went to the antique shops, we laughed, i opened the car doors for her, we held hands etc. I took her to eat over at Shady Maple smorgasbord. Things went fine until we left. As i pulled out i heard a loud scraping sound. I stopped the car and looked, and it appeared as though I had pulled too far in when I initially parked that my front bumper was resting on top of the concrete. As I pulled out it literally bent my front bumper, practically destroying it. we tried to see if somebody bumped into me and forced it up there because we didn't hear any scraping sounds when I pulled in, but they did not have any security surveillance. Nor were there any bumps on my back bumper. I ended up having to duct tape it together. We go back to my house. We have hot sex, and she leaves early Sunday morning. I get the above text message this morning and my heart kind of sank. Not that I thought we were destined to get married and live happily ever after but it certainly is a bit jarring to get such a cold and informal rejection l, like i’m just a faceless intern or something. It felt like she was rejecting my resume, not telling me she never wants to see me again…aaaaaand now my car is fucked up. I'm kind of bummed because I thought finally maybe I would have a girlfriend and I'm still unemployed.

oh yeah, and i had a horrible nightmare about living in a dorm, i was failing out of school and had no idea what to do next. I was still kind of thinking a bit that when I get that text from Carly Jane. nice.

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whining about my disaster of a dating life