True Confessions of a Missionary Mom
The following is a vulnerable confession of a missionary mom who has been meditating on, struggling with and asking the Lord for wisdom in our “new” life here in the Philippines for some time now so here it is.
When I first became a missionary in 2006 I was a young 20 year old without any cares or worries, nothing to hold me down or keep me out of missions. I was living in an apartment with minimal possessions and by the grace of God, I had no student debt to worry about. My lease was up and I was able to sell everything pretty easily, even my new car to my parish priest. I quit my job and moved down to south Louisiana where I trained with Family Missions Company and was sent out into missions.
My first year was spent in General Cepeda, where I learned a lot about myself and grew up in many ways while serving the Lord and the people there. The next year I headed to Spain on mission and spent the next two and a half years there, during which time I also did some mission work one summer in India.
People back home would often say to me, “Wow, you are so brave! I could never do that. It must be so hard.” I would just smile and think; “What are you talking about, missions is easy. I love this life and couldn't ever think of not doing it! Sure there are sufferings, but nothing really hard.”
I think the worst thing that happened to me was getting the occasional stomach bug that every missionary is familiar with, or that time I thought I was going to loose one of my eyes when I accidentally scratched it while on retreat in Spain.
Generally, life was great. I got to experience and see things most people never see and only dream about experiencing. Nothing was ever too early or too late, too dirty or too lengthy, too hard to get to, or just too hard, except maybe learning the language.
But that was several years ago and life as a single missionary is long gone. Missions is anything but easy as a mom of little ones and if I am are being totally honest here, I have never cried so much in my life than when in missions. I have felt completely inadequate and totally done with being uncomfortable, away from everything that makes sense to me or that I understand. I often find myself daydreaming about what it used to be like as a single missionary; how easy, exciting, and all around great it was.
Now don’t get me wrong. I LOVE and ADORE my children and the life I have now and wouldn't change it for the world. Being a mom in missions is trying and I am still learning what “being a mom AND a missionary” even means since my priorities have dramatically changed. I have a few more people to worry about and take care of than I used to. It’s not just me any more, so I can’t just jump at the opportunity to hike and climb through the jungle for 3 hours so I can evangelize a small community in the Amazon jungle because, besides the fact that I’m 8 months pregnant, there’s no way my 18 month old could make that journey; so Jonathan goes and I stay behind and make sure Edmond gets his nap in and doesn't touch that tarantula crawling on the door or drink the water from the faucet he is playing in.
When we are doing home visits, I spend my time multitasking with my 2 littles under 2 and feeling sorry that I can’t give the person in front of me my undivided attention.
Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what I am going to feed my family out of all the strange ingredients I found at the market, or what healthy options I can find as snacks to take along with us in the diaper bag for when things run longer than expected which is the norm in missions.
It’s a real suffering trying to keep my children happy, entertained, feed, and rested for the sake of everyone’s sanity while we traveled across the globe for more than 48hrs.
It’s a real suffering when we have unexpected delays and or too many accidents and we run out of diapers or wipes during travel.
It’s a real suffering when I have to take my potty trained toddler into the filthiest bathroom I have ever seen so he can go potty while trying to keep him from touching anything that might harbor horrible germs while trying to keep myself clean as well.
It’s a real suffering to watch my kids suffer; I would much rather it be me. This has been an especially hard time in the Philippines for our almost 3 year old. He keeps asking when we are going home and it breaks my heart.
It’s a real suffering when a ministry ends up keeping you out all day, you ran our of snacks, no one gets a nap and everyone is tired and cranky.
Besides all these struggles depending on where you are in missions, I find myself not getting to do ministry for days on end it seems since our kids are sick or just totally out of sorts and in no condition to leave the house without having a complete melt down. There are also occasions like the one stated above where it’s just not possible to bring kids along and it makes more since for me to stay behind and let Jonathan go alone.
It’s hard being a mom in missions because I keep this silly idea in my head that says I must be DOING something, not just staying at the house and being a mom, that’s not what being a missionary is - right? Well, no, and that’s what I am learning.
Its a really hard lesson to learn, especially after having been a single missionary prior to my promotion to mommy hood. But all these sufferings and struggles allow for connecting with the moms here on a much deeper level and realizing that their sufferings go way deeper than I ever realized. I remember once, one of our kids got really sick in missions and the hospital in the small town we were serving in didn't have the necessary means to give him the help he needed and sent us home. Because we had the resources, we were able to drive to the larger city 45 mins away and get help from a bigger more Americanized hospital, an option the poor don’t have.
The ministries that I am able to do become much more special and fulfilling because I had to wait and work around kids naps and meal times so I could have a short visit with a mom and her sick baby in the hospital or bring food to a family in need. These are the moments when I feel like it was all worth it.
"…if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desires of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your desires with good things." Isaiah 58:10-11
The majority of my time in missions is spent much like it would be stateside except in a very different environment and culture, taking care of my family, making meals, cleaning house, and occasionally doing ministry, when life permits it. Missions may not be the exciting adventure it used to be and it may be harder for me to wake up each day and say YES to this life as a mom in missions, but I know that this is the call He has put on our family. I know in my heart that His grace IS enough and that our family will learn from these experiences and sufferings and they will stretch, change, and grow us into His holy saints. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is His mission, His work. Not mine. I need to be flexible and allow Him to use me however He sees fit to and the verse below helped me realize this. "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will be established" - Proverbs 19:20
So I ask for your prayers as I wait upon His grace each moment to enter into missions with my whole heart, holding nothing back for the building of His kingdom and for the holiness of my own soul and that of my children, my husband, and those we encounter on this journey.
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