My Dark Thoughts

A place where I post my selfhate, my unappropriate thoughts, and other self destructive things. Better out than In.

[welcometomydarkestplace]

Still Here. Still Thinking

I know I haven’t posted in a while, sorry guys. Most of that has been for fear of sounding repetitive. I never expected this blog to gather as many people following it as it has. I really just started this so I can vent my frustrations, my negativity, and the things that don’t belong in my mind. But I’m always thinking. Always just having a wonderful time until I see something that reminds me of why I can’t think of those things anymore. I get alone in my room, and my mind wanders to moments lost, to moments that have probably already been forgotten. What was the point of making all of those amazing memories when the person you made them with doesn’t care about them anymore? What’s the point of having made them smile when you see they’re having a rough time, and all the time you spent trying to make their world perfect doesn’t matter anymore? Why is it that I can only see the wrong in every choice I made, no matter what the outcome was now? Why am I still here. Why am I still thinking...

[welcometomydarkestplace]

The last thing I want is for someone to care for me out of pity or fear Ill be hurt otherwise

[welcometomydarkestplace]

do you like poetry? if so, I recommend Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet.

Poetry is fantastic. I used to be really into it, even thought I could be my own poet. I'll check out that book.

[welcometomydarkestplace]

After

I understood that once High School ended some friendships would end. But I didn’t expect to be blatantly forgotten, blatantly ignored. I didn’t expect nearly everyone I thought enjoyed my company would actively avoid me. I didn’t expect them to leave me alone again… I just want to know why… Was I worse than I thought? Was I not worth as much as I had thought I was to people? Were people that eager to be rid of me everyday….

[welcometomydarkestplace]

Help Me

I need help. I need to talk to my friends, my family, I need to tell them what’s wrong with me. I need to talk to someone, I need to talk to anyone, I need to tell them exactly this, exactly what I am writing. I need to tell them how lonely I feel, how useless I feel. I need to tell them how I feel like a burden talking to them, I need to tell them how close my own thoughts bring me to tears every night. I need to tell them how everything seems to have gotten worse even when they should be getting better. I need to tell them how confused I am that I keep COMING BACK.  I need to tell them, I need to tell them, I need to tell them...                                                                                                                                        I need to tell them I need help...

[welcometomydarkestplace]

I have extremely aggressive thoughts. My neighbour kept me awake all night with noise and I was obsessing over the thought of collapsing his lungs with a knife the next day. I had a woman in front of me on the bus who would not shut up talking loudly and laughing obnoxiously on the phone. I fantasised over ripping the skin away from her neck

You may need to see a professional, such as a therapist. These may be provoked from some underlying issue you're struggling with. A professional opinion is 100x better than anything I can say really

[welcometomydarkestplace]

May I ask where you live?

I live in the US That’s all I should say

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Lonely

I am... alone... all of the time. I try to make plans with the people I call my friends, only to meet with busy plans, or immediate hang ups. I only have a small window of time to be with them again... but it seems I lost priority once life began... it seems I got left out again... I just want to be with people, to talk with people, to laugh with people... I want to be the best of people... but people always disappoint don’t they?

[welcometomydarkestplace]

What’s the point of trying when I know it’ll do nothing but disappoint the very people I’m trying to impress with it...

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Happy

There was a time I was happy. I had no worrys about where I was going and how I would get there. I was confident in my plans, and I was confident in the people beside me. I was happy. But they left... and I was alone. We became I, us became me. I was alone... at a time when I needed them the most. I’ve struggled these last few months... not because it was hard, not because I didn’t know, but because I was hurt, and I was left alone.... I was happy with them... I don’t know how to be happy without them now

[welcometomydarkestplace]

I’m home... so why am I still alone...

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I need you out of my head... despite the pain, it only hurts more when you keep breaking back in...

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How do I know I am alive? Pain... constant pain is how I know

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Tired

I am so tired... I’m so tired of trying to be good. I’m so tired of trying to make people happy. I’m so tired of everything I try to create ending in a mess and disaster. I’m tired of losing connections with people I hold close in my mind, and of cutting people off who needed me. Im so tired of not being able to think straight, of not being able to sleep at night. Im so tired...

[welcometomydarkestplace]

What should i do if i feel like... anything i do is just like a daze..? I can barely remember anything ive done for the past week, like i know im not okay, but i dont really know how i feel either

Writing things down helps. Either a journal, diary, or blog like this. It helps me get a grip of reality, even when reality just slaps me in the face

[welcometomydarkestplace]

I’m not okay

A friend once told me while trying to comfort me, “It’s okay not to be okay.” The thing is... I haven’t been okay since then. I try to cope with it with distractions, whether it be playing a video game, trying to write music, trying to play music, anything to keep my mind off of what tears me apart. I’m not okay... but that’s not okay. This entire time has been hit after hit of grief, anger, sadness, and just pain. Nothing good has come out of me not being okay, nothing good has come out of me accepting I am not okay. I want to be okay, I want to smile for real again, I want to be happy. RIght now... I feel as if that’s impossible. I feel like any attempt I try to make just reminds me of what I’ve already lost, any progress is shattered by a random strike of reality... I just want to be okay again...

[welcometomydarkestplace]

My happiest dreams leave me the most depressed when I wake