Welcome to Versagistan

"The person, she tried to recover from, was a bottle. And she was an alcoholic. And I can’t even tell how true that is."

[welcometoversagistan]

Still in pain...

Was ist nur alles passiert? Wie bin ich hier gelandet? Hier, in diesem Albtraum. Die perfekte Inszenierung der Manipulation. Du manipulierst mich, ich manipuliere dich. Aber nur einer zahlt den Preis. Du schaust mir tief in die Augen, während ich von unten herauf schaue. Was siehst du? Mein Gesicht? Meine Brüste? Meinen Arsch? Mich? Dich selbst in meinen Augen? - Es ist mir egal. Für diese kurzen Augenblicke ist es mir einfach egal. Dein Mund auf meinem fühlt sich so gut an. Nur noch einmal. Und vielleicht danach noch einmal... Ehe ich mich versehe, sammele ich meine Kleidung vom Boden und die Tür fällt ins Schloss. Und ich stehe im dunklen Treppenhaus - wieder allein.

Ich will dich - du mich nicht.

[welcometoversagistan]

That’s it. You ripped my heart apart. Again. 

And I’m still in love and I’d rip myself apart just to be with you. It’s like punishing myself. If you can’t love me, I can’t love myself either.

I can’t let go. I just can’t. Since 9 years. And I don’t think I will ever be able to...

[welcometoversagistan]

It took a while, but you finally hit me. But first you made sure, that I was really happy. Thanks for that. 

[welcometoversagistan]

It’s hard these days to not freak out.  But there will be time for struggeling.

In the end everything will be okay and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end - right?

[welcometoversagistan]

Sometimes I think I have to kill myself. I don’t want to, but I can’t see any prospects.

[welcometoversagistan]

kill me already.

nobody to talk to.

waking up and feeling sick already.

[welcometoversagistan]

I have migraine. 

My friend asked me to visit her because she broke up. I had to discuss with my mum whether I’m allowed to visit her or not, because it’s going to freeze. I’m going to meet my family in half an hour to have some coffee. He texted me. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow morning.

I have migraine.

[welcometoversagistan]

I was sitting at my chair und starring out the window, when my mobile phone vibrated. I looked at it. I got sick. My body got numb. Panic was crawling up my lungs. My hands started shaking. And there was this spark of happiness. -

Because it was you.

[welcometoversagistan]

Look at all the pain you caused. -

Sorry, my fault. You just want to deal with easy&nice stuff.

Sorry, MY FAULT !

[welcometoversagistan]

Everyday I have to tell myself the story of how you don’t love me.Everyday I have to remember myself that there’s no hope. Everday I have to live through the pain. Everyday I have to hear your words in my head, that I’m too crazy to be loved. Everyday I have to fight against myself. Fight against texting you. Fight, because I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle another story of how weird I am.

[welcometoversagistan]

And I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had

mad world

[welcometoversagistan]

The struggle is real

Be smart. Get the job of your life. Live clean. Eat clean. Don’t buy. Don’t use. Be this. Be that. Work on yourself. Face your fears. Be nice. Be happy. Develope. Don’t stand still. Grow up. Get your shit together. Enjoy the things you have.

I can’t ?

Look at all the special snowflakes. Special snowflakes which are fucked up. Everybody is fucked up. Sure, nobody knows how you feel. How you cry under your blankets. Nobody has ever felt the pain you feel. Special snowflakes everywhere ! 

I am so sick of this. It’s like split personalities. You want - you can’t. You can - you don’t do. The monster living inside. Is this normal? What is normal? Are you normal? Will those voices ever stop? 

I hate seeing happy people. I hate seeing sad people. I hate how I fall apart.

I can’t even remember how it’s like to be happy. I really can’t. 

[welcometoversagistan]

Sometimes I want to split my head in half because I cant stand the pain any longer.

Sometimes opening my eyes hurts. Sometimes even opening my brain hurts. It’s the pain of loneliness. It’s the pain of failing. It’s the pain of falling. It’s the pain of losing. It’s the pain of them. It’s the pain of you.

[welcometoversagistan]

Sometimes I’m just so angry with everything and everybody. I can’t control it. My friends hardly tell me anything good about their lifes because they know, that I get hurt. I don’t even know, why they want me as a friend. I wouldn’t want me as a friend. Always thinking what to say and what to do just because I’m so fucked up. Must be great fun.

[welcometoversagistan]

Everyday is like a never-ending nightmare. Lucky me.

[welcometoversagistan]

How can you recover when your brain tricks you all the time?

[welcometoversagistan]

Why is there no pill to make you love me back?