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Ray-Ban Sunglasses

its honestly okay to feel sad when u have nothing to do. Nothing to get exited with. Its okay to be bored.

Stop being so fucking hard on yourself. Stop believing that you are in control of how u feel. You can only respond to thoughts and feelings. Its not your fault u have not travelled enough. Its not your fault you have no achieved enough. Its unrealistic. Stop being so hard on yourself. Learn to love yourself and learn to be kind to urself. Because thats all we have.

Note to self.

Please learn to be patient with yourself the most when you are restless.

Please learn to love yourself the most when you feel unlovable.

Please learn to be kind to yourself the most when you feel the most mean.

Please learn to accept yourself the most when every cell of your body wants to just implode and hate itself.

Please learn to stop beating yourself over things that arent in your control. Especially when u feel like u want to the most.

i know im an anxious person. I have anxious thoughts, feelings, moods, sensations. I know myself. But everyday im trying hard to just accept thag this is who i am. Im anxious sad depressed talented full of energy beautiful complex being and i need to start loving myself for the beauty and the trauma that is. Me.

I need to sit alone with my thhoughts they say. But its just so painful and unbearable to deal with nothing. Im scared of things not going back to normal i want things to desperately go back to normal. But thats not the case right now so idk what to do.

Everywhere i look all i see is sad eyes. Sad smiles. Half hearted laughs filled with fear and small drops of hope slipping out of everyones body. Does it get better ? Does the misery end ? Does the trauma end ? i want to know. The virus as infected more than the bodies. It has taken away the spirit. The love. The enthusiasm. The happiness. The faith. The hope. Future. life. it all seems so scary. So saad. Where are the italians singing in the balcony when u need them ?

Some nights it just feels so heavy to exist! Like if you just let yourself be you will explode. Worse, implode. I don’t even know what to feel anymore what to think anymore. My mind is a maze and i think i’m slowly starting to loose my way.

swaminiphansekar

I look at you and my heart lights up like fireworks in the mid-night sky. I look you and I feel like sea waves crushing against the rims of my insides. I look you and I feel all these emotions I thought I wasn’t capable of. I look at you and I have these feeling so strong that they can move mountains but they only move my gaze. For I can’t look at you for too long, it’s overwhelming but in the most beautiful way. For it feels so unreal to find something so beautiful and pure in this fucked up world. For how someone who is so broken can find something so magical. It almost feels like you don’t deserve it. So I do look at you but not for too long and I tell you my “i love yous” but they are never that strong.

Because words never do justice to everything I want to say

So god I hope you feel my love just before I look away.

- Finding love in mundane ‘i love yous’

Im just writing this because i promised myself i am going to be writing something everyday. So this is me doing that and trying to maintain the habit chain. Thank you

Why is it that something that you want to get rid of sticks around for more than it should have. What is this ironical twisted take on life where the more you want to get rid or something the more it increases the more you obsess.

I don’t really listen to frank ocean as much as i write about listening to frank ocean - Aesthetically pleasing.

ADHD

And as he was telling me about his morning plank sessions I found myself slowly drifting away from the conversation. My attention was slowly floating away like a white feather on a windy Monday morning. And suddenly it hit me again. That strange unknown sense of fear. Unpredictable and Unwanted. Like a bad flu in summer. I could hear my heart beating loudly. My mouth running dry but not completely parched. I looked around as the honking cars were synchronising with my thoughts. He continued to talk about the planks but all I could hear was - nothing.

Up until now i always felt like i was the kind of person who could handle her emotions. Who could reason and talk herself out of situations. Who could vent out her anger and sadness in form of art and eventually- it would all be okay. Up until fear consumed me. You see fear doesn't primarily live in the present or in the past like sadness or anger. It thrives on the unknown. The could be’s. The what if’s. The - everything is alright but something is massively going to fuck up’s. It thrives on your doubt, on your anxiety , on your anxiety about the anxiety. Until your whole body is filled to the brim and all you want to do is scream. All you want to do is make it stop, which obviously only increases it.

Somedays i wish i could just stick a big pipe in my heart or my brain and suck out every ounce of fear that has build a home in my body since I was 3. Every irrational thought, every unwanted worry, every sleepless night. I wish i could just plunge it deep into my flesh and let it pour out. I have been imagining this quite often these days. I have been imagining what colour it would be. Would it be tar black or pungent yellow. Due to conditioning i always settle on black. I imagine how light my body would feel once the liquid slowly poured out. I imagine myself smiling, a soft tear almost forming on my cheek. My whole body drifting away like a soft white feather but on yards of lush greenfields. And that thought makes me happy, really really happy.

It all looks so beautiful on my laptop screen i wonder what it would feel like you are actually there.

Somedays it’s okay to not keep your head above the water. Somedays you have to dip your head in to ocean and sink to the bottom and find peace in it. To hear the stillness of the waves above you as they slowly synchronise with your breath. Somedays you just have to be an observer. A mere audience to the big chaos brewing inside your head.

Sometimes you’ve just got to look at the mess in your mind and be with okay with it.

shesnake

Bong Joon-ho on the specificity and universality of Parasite (2019)

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Someday our insides will explode like galaxies