old ass art i did as a wee teen @wh-da-backup - Tumblr Blog

(6/2/13)

Beginning at 1/2-past 7 I slouch at my desk, a barely-conscious, semi-sentient heap; I would much rather trade all these worksheets for bedsheets and sleep.

(10/7/2012)

the chill brings with it memories and all the fuzzy clothes and pumpkin-flavored laughter won't change the fact that in my memory this season is layered with warmthless abandon and the dawn of fruitless longing.

and all the boredom of summer still looks better in its simmering green than the dark and cold that await my body and my mind.

(2/7/2012)

Hey,

I like the times we talked and it confuses me now how the light and darkness overlapped so much then. And we weren't quite sane.

I like the times we talked. I like to think it saved me, I don't like to think that I caused you more harm than good. But I think it anyway, right or wrong.

That this is the end of whatever we built, a sword in my shoulder deep to the hilt, what begins the maddening descent into guilt,

descent into thinking I'll never belong.

So tell me, my friend. I want this to be crazy, all my thoughts again and again.

That you still stuck around by faint threads, but you don't need me anymore, and the meds don't complain like I do.

I like to think the blood was my heart on my sleeve. I like to think the past is somnambulant. I don't like to think about how easy it is but shouldn't be to let things go.

Thinking as I write of a more perfect poem, how you had more to show me than I could hope to create but listened anyway.

What if I want sick from a life feigning sarcasm say, who cares about identity desperate avoiding plagiarism

always stuck thinking a more perfect always a more perfect.

Fuck it, man.

I don't see one spot and I can't park.

lyric scraps 8/1/13

5/23/13 you went to saturday night's party and woke up on sunday's floor

5/14/12 i expected you to speak as i dream i'm sorry understand i say things as a friend and sometimes more than

my noose was your tongue the words were sending out but the connection hung

5/16/12 four years down the road or four years down the drain drawing blood from my veins and pictures of my brain

4/25/12 i'm sick of society how they try to measure sins by how great the tragedy and how small the violins

4/26/12 i'm not the favorite anymore and maybe with good cause i sensed you pulling away from me and i took out my claws

6/6/12 i'll drown in your deluge i'm acting like a stooge got nothing left to lose this point in time

5/20/12 when you feel like you need a brother and the mirrors tell you to kill know that tears run thicker than blood and always will

5/28/12 they call me a fool a inconsiderate ass ya know i go to school but i ain't got no class

4/2/12 i'm going to visit the boy i love he speaks to me through he speaks to me through old sound waves not yet rotten i'm going to visit the girl he loved she speaks to me too she speaks to me too dead voices not forgotten

we killed them slowly as we took over we need their bodies it's only instinct they couldn't handle the situations what killed them slowly and scarred their bodies we have their memories

6/1/12 high school queen bee bitch honey has she seen me? does she think it's funny?

7/5/12 i can feel something restless and waiting inside of me maybe it's anxiety or anticipation or maybe it's pee i count all the liquids in my life face moisturizer and water and key lime juice and an aqueous solution of coffee in the morning

5/30/12 you can say i'm old even without you you smell like a dissection your words are cutting too

5/31/12 our cage arcades our cage arcades

10/5/12 parlons, parlons c'est interdit car il n'ya pas de mots ici

reviens, reviens, c'est vrai enfin que les vrais mots n'importent rien

5/10/12 i wanna be your test drive don't forget your gasoline you can rule what hearts you want to let me be your blueprint scheme demo queen

1/11/13 the sound of your voice can disarm me a cat been picked up by the scruff i've known all along you'd never harm me but i guess it just wasn't enough i guess it wasn't enough

10/9/12 you are not my love you walk around in his clothes you walk around in his face but you are not my love we're dying trying to replace

1/13/13 hey dad too bad your rules are made of bread not iron clad

i heard you don't like my hair too much here, wrong color there well guess what, i can still go anywhere, sit in the boss's chair

5/30/13 pomme empoisonnee je vais te faire rester chante pour moi dans la claire de l'une de tes 8/1/13 reves qui sont vrai

4/8/12 he had it figured out in terms of fairytales

and when he tried for wonderland he didn't think of you

and when you tried to understand

and if you try to follow him you'll just be split in two

4/30/12 she's bleach, she's ice, she's milk and candy queen of tragic hearts like yours she never asked for any trouble shredding flowers on all fours

pills and poultice kicking stomachs underwater leaden petals bite if you dare but make it swift bite all you want but only if

drawing faces everywhere, an audience of millions' stares

6/4/12 i feel like the past year's a waste i know i've traveled the world but i'm worse or the same

i'm sure you've heard that there's plenty of fish in the sea but i hide in my shell; you're allergic to me

3/21/13 sleeping like a beauty queen found the spindle at age 16 decided she would join the team said this is better than any dream

4/6/13 all calmed down and jaded and my scars already faded should i make new what should i do?

4/6/13 music is her sustenance she lives on jupiter and mars

2/18/13 i showed up and the entire party was passed out- now that's what i call the collective unconscious!

april/13 "ex box" i'll put you in a box with my mistakes love letters, memories, old tapes and hopefully in 10 more years i will not sit here playing couldabeen

3/17/13 fall apart but don't fall off

3/18/13 i knew all your favorites and i thought i made the list

you gave me so much but i have nothing left of you

you don't have a clue you don't give a shit do you not even about the few who even deign to talk to you

3/28/13 trust your instincts if he seems like bad news then you better call the papers on him

4/10/12 my body's wooden and man-made am i ripe for the fire am i meant to be saved when i lie there is consequence i lie against my will but i don't want to be a real boy real boys only kill

1/3/12 (poem thing- it was on my phone and i kept forgetting about it)

what drives this endless cycle in our lives? sleep deprivation all work and no play it's only survival in a way

what gives? the story is sad but true my friend it may seem crazy but in the end the lunatic is the one that lives

7/25/13 when i say i've lost my mind can't tell if it's gone or just something i can't find

7/22/13 say so many things at once that for a moment i can forgive and forget myself

6/27/13 and to be honest i think i'm kind of ugly but i don't care and to be honest i think i'd probly kiss you if you were here

and now you're 19, it seems so strange how we would freak out all the time and talk to ease the pain and when we're 30, please don't forget me

5/26/13 sharpened pencil and liar's skin i tried to fight back i got all the guilt you lack i've been taught to let people like you win fuck that

1/21/13 take your medicine (take it with a grain of salt)

your voice of reason doesn't talk here comes the lady made of clock- work, time for your electric shocks

2/13/13 and our time wasn't wasted like i wish i were tonigh

2/17/13 you grew and clipped my wings time and time again you made me learn how to get by on my own mind just far enough to be alright i'm ready

the change will come and will occur and i will learn from changing

5/22/12 i wanna sit in a room for hours and play you all my songs especially the ones about you but not even my closest friends pay attention for very long

3/6/13 the sight of the pacific- california i wrote some words specifically for ya

3/10/13 i refuse to comb my hair more power to my righteous mop i'll put a sign says please don't stare right over your sign says i must be stopped

3/15/13 stripped of the words you hear and now my teeth are bare 3/12 offend because it's there

3/14/13 empty stomach sleep 3/15 i choke on wool, lose count of sheep

3/15/13 i make my promises to break… they're not your dreams to take

lay and lose my head i fall, land screaming in my bed neurapparatus, nightmare plague the cause is rather vague

3/23-24/13 "waltz time" my parents are pretty my sisters are pretty my weird friends from school grew up normal and cool

how come i have to live with my failures, my faults it's like life is in 4/4 and all i can do is the waltz

5/25/13 i stepped on a rose and sprinkled the sidewalk with blood from my toes

3/8/13 "home groan" i dreamed that someday i'd get to walk in the sun but i wasn't even playing outside when it went down

6/16/13 you taught me every lie i've ever known you told me to fit in or be alone but look how i've survived and how i've grown in spite of you

you said i'd reached developmental halt that all the crimes against me were my fault so i became numb bleeding out my shame with only me to blame or so i thought wrong

i will flourish free of your flaws your flaws are not my problem my flaws are not yours to harm me with

6/26/13 i wouldn't call it small talk because you're all talk

let's light up some neural circuits

6/7/13 i had to jump ship, it got too weighed-down to float i took off in the dinghy with the songs that i wrote…

i had to jump ship, it got too heavy to float and maybe we should kiss just to shut up our ghosts i don't care one way or another, but we came so close all those years ago

we'll report back to captain karo on our empty boat

(cause you know whatever happens you know we got her vote)

4/22/13 in this great ablation nation

4/28/13 no one appreciates so we inondate run out and replicate,

overcompensate

cry exterminate

we've run out of things to say you're full of air,

flatten like souffle

- if you don't, i may

mere exposure, love you cause you're there

4/23/13 changes of mind come in liquids and pills

you can't even start to tell the difference between a change of mind and a change of heart

6/11/13 we've got lines upon lines of no sleeping and papers for the final review you just seem to keep on keeping but me i just don't know what to do i have no clue

I just gathered up a pile of post-its and other bits of paper on my floor. on these papers are about a year's worth of lyric scraps and random lines. some are used in songs, some appear more than once. some were not on paper and i typed them on my phone instead. some are based on me and some are totally in character. some are cool sounding and some are stupid and cheesy. i am consolidating them here. at this point, most have dates on them. the order will be roughly most recent to oldest, starting with late 2011- early 2012 (present) and going back to whenever i uploaded the last one. here we go.

3/21 your hand will hold mine but your voice will not requite me why does it feel like you always fight me

4/? (mid april) you want to drown in soda pop fame you'll drink up the bubbles and think it's champagne while the high fructose corn syrup seeps in your brain eats away at your mind in sweet processed bliss and you want to die this way tangled in fame's kiss

2/27 fit in, don't let 'em see you care lend your conscience, lend your hair

cut and dye cut-and-dry got new shoes i hope you're gonna keep 'em tied

straight face cheap lace know your poses know your -- place!

2/28 [first line goes here- i never wrote one] in these luminescent headlights i find you prettier than moonlight the rearview mirrors are cameras whose feeds all show up on the dashboard hey man we need a dash of something 'cause we're so bored… sobered…

nothing is a let out nothing is a let out nothing is a let out oh-oh…

/no date/ just movie kisses those hollow-woods talk with their teeth

1/14 you like to send me vicarious travel and i long for closer than company the sound of your voice running rings round the sun

2/26 i owe you a lot for all the music i owe you a lot for the times i fought you i owe you the fact that i wasn't alone why are you still here? what have i done?

3/5 i wanna rip you out of my system count all the chances- you missed 'em giving me emotions i got the orders, hate the mission

it seems you never learn it seems you never learn

burn!

your words burn me out. get off my mouth.

1/17 if you got a color we demand a million shades drip-wax seals and caustic marinades in the midst of politics and people screaming poetry rises without a meaning

3/20 you think the things i do the talking feels like new you listen when i ask you to

safety pin my shadow to your arms so i can go there seal away these secrets in a box no one has to know where

3/20 I've been known for shooting mirrors no one wants to hold my fingers

all your pretty dresses won't make me a little lady i'm a bad motherfcker I'M A GUNPOWDER BABY

1/22 she saw him shortly after he got hurt warnings and dirt no shame morning advances dirt morning advances taking chances seems profane

3/17 you're looking for and like me

3/17 I thought that i was gone from you forever and you as part of me were all but severed i was sad that we were not together but then we traveled time and were recovered

again i notice all those things 22s and hearing trains it's great to have you back again

2/9 shut your mouth story and tell your brain waves they cannot come and live in my ears

there's no place there is no time there's no place for you place for you here

2/26 open wide shy outside Jeck'll hide from the world

2/21 and i will pray for every last one of you

1/25 this is a 911 to everyone this thing has got to stop [this monster's got to stop]

I could be the warm lightning to your storm

1/28 dressed to the nines for the tens and elevens you're rich as hell cause you spent all your heaven

1/30-31 daily dose of stupid juice look who made the tv noose sell yourself and sign the truce where's your right to choose?

1/27 now she withers and wishes she'd known she'd have to die to free her bones

12/29 wordless and worthless

3/9 pester rain won't go won't leave me alone and i can hear the water shaking in my ears i can see the water shaking in my eyes i can taste the water shaking in my mouth i can feel the water shaking in my blood going to quench dry bones the water the water

3/10 hold my veins away from me hold my veins against me stain of restrain as i strain to restrain as i strain to contain

3/10 under all the pressure of everything you know the pressure is relieved now feels like you let me go

under the impression you're mine to throw around i only wanted to hold you and you let me down

3/10 smarter made me shrug and safer made me prone and older made me smug and smug made me alone

3/17 the one i heard was only words found out you lied and since then i take back my smiles you lying child the one i kissed does not exist

3/7 recurrences of my old self wolf as i were as soon as i smelled spring as soon as i smelled spring

i am not the same loon nor are you the old you and nothing that i thought was true.

2/6 raze the curtain for the final bow

2/2 bleeding and bleeding on knives of the mind

2/10 a kiss to shut the door for good a kiss that this will never be

thoughts in the dark holding knives to my mind

2/10 hole in my jeans on the thigh from my thumb it'd be the latest fashion if it weren't the only one

and i cry out to the sellouts

cause the setters know best trendsetters know best

wait my heart out cardboard cutout

transcending their best, la mode just waiting for their suns to set

and explode

1/15 what i said was in the past is still around

/no date- probably late 2011/ -losing daylight and my mind -catch my breath and a glimpse of the sun -out of bed and time -waiting tables and patiently -change of season and clothes

1/31 a day so fine caught myself standing in line it was my turn i took it for the worse i meant it

the means that bring the ends it all depends on what you're looking at

/no date- based on an older line/ this is not the place where you were born this is not the calm before the storm this is not a riot, this is the norm

it's a big world, you'll grow into it

12/25 we missed half the 90s before we were born we missed half the 90s when we were alive we are the babies who live in the past we are the babies of nineteen-nine-five

winter's too cold but i'm plenty warm and dying for more trip on my tongue kissing nineteen-nine-four

love and bleach and fire and gasoline and screams and other things of which we used to sing

i wish too much can't find… can't find my mind

i'm a jaded old fuck and i wish i looked at music the same

2/25 smile for the camera shot in the head develop the pictures lookin good good as dead

1/27 head will roll to the soles in control cold races to places, mistaken plastic sarcastic bashing the masses, tactics TV static no one knows how tragic no one knows how tragic

you must be miss taken sorry, my mistake

try to make amends sever what offends

1/2 we are equal in these times we are equal in these crimes we are equal draw no lines we are equal in our brine

what's in yours is what's in mine

head first in the media just another stolen face just another stolen place

swallowing your poison whole

just another slowin' pace

we're krill in the baleen of fame

chew and swallow stolen shame

1/1 i'm so fuckin bored and lazy my stuff is all over the floor but maybe i could clear a place where we'd lie side by side and waste a couple days lost in vinyl haze no "their"s no "they"s

1/2 a heart you never asked for in your hands and what that heart demands

1/2 fuck you calculater piss off smell u later

/no date/ dodging in and out of traffic and each other's lives

/no date- 2011/ none of this is real you're just a lie i tell myself

12/26 I said never mind never mind never mind said whatever you do don't mind

5/26/11 kick it for sleeping

i like the crunch i'm chewing up my mouth

prostrate ourselves to RUMORS

11/26 [not typing the accents cause i'm lazy] passe simple l'enfance etait simple nous n'avions pas une chance taisez-vous tout a coup vos reves perdent leur romance hey hey cyclones lie in the eyes of the water cyclones lie in the eyes of the water cyclones lie in the eyes of the water woah, woah, woah

read past simple childhood was simple we never had a chance behave yourself and all of a sudden your dreams lose their romance hey hey les cyclones restent dans les yeux de l'eau les cyclones restent dans les yeux de l'eau les cyclones restent dans les yeux de l'eau whoa, whoa, whoa

11/20-21-22? there was a time, young ones, when life was a dream-sky, supple and simple, childhood was cake

we knew we had playthings and daydreams for chasing but not that they'd rot into maggot-meat, quickly replaced

flicking bombs at Mother Riot seeded boom in Riot's womb started naming generations started taking too much room

12/11 let's get famous and die in the blinding lights

we'll say he was our pretty little friend we'll wait until he's dead and gone and get to know him them

/no date- summer/ suffocated hockey sister in a spray can

/no date/ i only feel like myself when i'm by myself i feel i only like myself when i'm with someone else

11/15 bubble child, bubble child inside her shell her mind runs wild walls of concrete, writing in the grout she sees mirrors but doesn't see out

i let no one in i let no one in i let no one in staring at my skin, myopia [tearing through my skin, myopia]

/no date/ are you sure you love the ones who are laughing at your pain you are a chain and they will break you down you are a flame and they will burn you out you oughta change or else they'll push until you cave you are so brave

you're human in his arms but are you human in his head

you're human in his arms is it humid in his head

/no date 2011/ swallow your doubt i hope you choke close but no cigar, you shouldn't smoke watch your step, too close you'll go blind you should learn to read between the lines

/no date summer 2011/ just picked a scab out of my ear i think it's somewhere in my hair and then i remembered why the fuck should i care

i kinda really have to pee i perform my functions bodily they still go on even if no one cares about me

terrestrial boredom

/no date/ the emptiness is draining like all the light you're wasting you're drooling and complaining there's no spark

china cracks in broken plates like watching milk evaporate in the dark

/no date/ hello it's nice to meet you i'm hungry but i think i'l feed you blind and i would like to lead you don't forget the ones who freed you (someday they just might need you)

12/29 this is the dress i wore today it doesn't smell like you and its seams so black and blue and i run the scizzors through and the scentless dress is ruined

/no date summer 2011/ you were a child all rosy and pink had screwed ideas of how things work a library of libel just waiting to stink you developed nervous quirks all grown up and out of work i'll stab you in the gut you jerk

/no date summer 2011/ the glue is busy fixing sneakers you can wear your heart on your sleeve but not your feet

i like that thing adorning you i would like to wear one too

11/27 trust your eyes to censor mirrors trust the mind to make you care trust the others in their wisdom trust your own dead stare

11/28 i'm just your typical whiny-ass teen with a big fat vain ego but no self-esteem i can play a few chords i get pissed when i'm bored deep down all i want is to be adored i'm lazy high school sucks rule #1, don't give a

/no date these are almost all 2011/ cry me into the sea of dancing bodies

crowd energy

/no date/ count your possessions counter obsession

you're in over your sick head

/no date/ DRIVE YOUR SHOES

/no date/ i don't have your dead ghost heart why do you make things feel like it

you promised me love is it lost in the mail?

blue eyes you could fall in love with

/no date/ you seem to know the stories behind these things

/no date/ i know you don't care for me that i'm just her effigy i know someday you'll see you miss your chance with everyone

you always tell me all your dreams you love like i'm projector screens the naked canvas for your slide machine

/no date spring 2011/ factories bottline purified air while spewing their smoke to the sky

/no date/ your mind doesn't rule very well and your body rebels

/no date/ if you want to free the freed from freedom turn up the TV proceeding to feed 'em

i've been writing love songs behind your back

/no date/ you remember things were so much better in the decade before you were born

i wouldn't make my world so loud if i didn't have so much to drown out of my system

you and me forever in our infamy

/no date/ love feeds on milk and valentine candy she feeds on [flowers/roses/petals] and an artist's [starving/beating/bleeding] heart

quick and painless stolen stainless

/no date march 2011/ a cloud floats high above the ground someday we will shoot it down

i'll probably end up with someone like you

/no date summer 2011/ i'll take your hand i'll run you dry i'll whisper to you whisper baby "don't you love the lie?"

/no date/ behaviour and instinct naked on the inside

/no date spring 2011/ you're my perfect you're my pretty

someday this will speak to you

i want you to myself

FUCK EVERYTHING TAKE ME BACK TO THERAPY

oops

/no date summer 2011/ you'll censor her thorns so her love doesn't hurt this girl is a flower she'll die without dirt

it's war on the papers the movers and shakers

/no date/ you only love me in your dreams

/no date/ dead laughter tele

/no date/ i was an idiot child bent on chasing cliches

and now i have no answers for the questions you raise

and the lies you shake

off the wall- phone call

/no date/ sometimes i feel like old gum on the sidewalk- used up and no longer wanted

i wanna be different just like everyone else

she was born into royalty out of heaven in a hole

/no date/ who knows where they begin and end always loved you as a friend

/no date/ collective subconsious a black-and-white photograph we looked at the flag and we all saw red

/no date/ i wish we had our whole lives to do this, but we don't. we have rationed hours in the afternoon and we need to hurry or else we'll never get it done in time.

/no date march 2011/ i slept like it was summer and i dreamed [like/til] i was dead

i can't stand no knowing how the story ends it's true we'd make a good pair but we're even better friends i only love you cause i can't control my brain

i'm scared of spit and i'm a hypocrite and i hate you cause you're one too

/no date/ i wonder if i'm nauseous i really can't tell

deleterious, man I'm serious!

i'm intemperate

laughing off the awkward tension

can you tell what i'm thinking? oh please don't tell

/no date spring 2011/ you only go to places to say you've been

everyone's a freak

/no date/ teach us well for now, the year and if their money doesn't want him here he'll go away to live in mountains "daddy what's a water fountain?"

trickle, trickle hurrikeynesians

8/4-or-5/2011 31 hours today lumbar bumps and a glass of champagne time flies on a plane …time flies on a plane they tell you how much time remains

like the games we played as children where everything can be solved by building more guns

i may be loud but i'm no punk i just like safety pins and all sorts of useless junk

recline and don't mind

i'll see them all from first to lost

/no date/ are ya tuned

/no date/ i'd cry if i could

i know you can't take the stress i love you but i'm a mess

if this isn't real then where's your objection?

i slept through friday afternoon

/no date/ state of matter fusion fission fuck amusement fuck decision

/no date/ museum sleeper

/no date/ optic love

so close to here so unaware

would you like a kiss goodbye?

'Lyn believes in me

/no date/ sin of envy soaked in her fat cells

dull advantage

/no date/ i am made of flesh, you are made of zeroes and ones. is that true? [quote from cleverbot]

i held the computer as she shut down emitting a warmth for us to share

/no date/ beasts of change

11/1 you left without a word you had me for desert

11/2 last year wasted my december doting on my dear dissembler now i choose not to remember now i choose not to remember

/no date/ air thick with sparks

you'll fall in love with anyone as long as you have got no chance

i'm in love and you're a ghost

you think you're so mighty, might as well

i know it's not your fate to rot cause baby nothing's settled

queen of arcs and angles

out looking for birds will never get you very far just jack white's look-alike sitting in the woods with a guitar

/no date/ cuts and bruises [hearts and roses/dying muses] nothing left to run from

game-bored

indie-cision

fantasies of mind control and sex and drugs and rock and roll

/no date/ you're old enough to read a map depeche-toi and mind the gap be careful not to overlap with oncoming trains

you've got all night, you've got no right you've got a week i think you're old enought to keep that trigger finger on your lap you're screaming out your brain

it's-not-o-k

freedom for oil and dogs chewing tin foil it's painless at best spilling ice from a hole in my chest

you were right about me and i'm wearing a wire don't worry it'll all end well but i'll kill anyone you tell

my heart my head play dumb play dead

i want to be the girl who always sings in the hallway i want the apathy to curb my indecision

i want to speak and feel no remorse for speaking i want to be the girl with a dark secret

notice me

there are pills for everything there are pills for everything

/no date/ no soul, you're all just numbers digits on the counter culture 's hand

go against the grain but go against the same grain keep different names but have the same brain operate as you were trained

/no date/ circle in a square half

/no date/ i got struck by lightning walking home in the rain and i saw the future with my own brain i died young, but older than i thought but enough about me and all the things i bought

the government had total control and they were holding a funeral for rock n roll

/no date/ barb wire eyes piss-warm smile

/no date/ look at me your stare cold glare your pair o' lies real eyes

/no date/ my tongue my head play dumb play dead

lay down lay low my town my ghosts

/no date/ mirror mirror diamond ring you know we'll have our fun

i'll kiss you when i think i'm pretty, shoot you when i'm done

/no date/ i wanted to learn the ropes and be a big shot record producer

save me computer science just like you've saved and killed us all the human race got dumb i'll save my friends and then blast off to space i'm done

track 6 track 6 make me

/no date/ the taste of pennies on my tongue watching the future eat its young [i'm pretty sure my dad wrote at least the first line of that. the second one might have been mine i don't remember]

/no date/ [these are cool but i don't remember writing them] rats and stones you stroke my bones ice cream cone i drip alone

pray tell, what would you like to be, sir? a champion disgracer? a monkey deceaser?

embryonic scars welcome, my children

/no date/ leave me be, i'm no forgiver i will have these scars forever

this is not a riot, this is the norm

/no date/ i'm a hated figure but i have no regrets i'll melt all the glass in the television sets [my dad wrote the first line, i wrote the second one]

/no date/ you taught me that sometimes your children come home and you don't have to be madly in love with every album you own and you taught me that sometimes wounds heal without scars and you taught me not everyone travels in cars and dust doesn't have to gather on the shelves and sometimes we must remember to love ourselves in a world that's just bursting with personal hells

/no date/ just saw lightning but i don't hear rain

/no date/ a man who believes he can hide behind wealth he'll say there's no heaven he'll say there's no health

/no date/ i don't have to wonder because i know

/no date/ they tell you it takes brains to stay, it takes guts to drop out

it's never my turn is it

10/12 bare hands in the garden calling to his falcon sailing on his galleon til he fell off the horizon

11/9 deep down i fear it's getting cold and i just want another warm body to hold

get off my mouth

12/10 can i hold you and feel your lungs laugh?

burn diary notice the color your past in combustion

/no date fall 2011/ i'll do to you what you are to me

FOOD MAKES MOOD

ther's no stopping human nature tell that to the legislature

/no date/ were you sleepy on your wedding day? did you ever see it coming?

/no date/ apocalypse kiss think of situations but not yet not while there is consequence

9/26 "Headless Barb"

happy birthday, here's a Headless Barb dressed in her garbage manufactured garb teach the little girls to starve all dolls are beautiful some dolls are carved

wear a wire, Headless Barb tear my childhood leave your scars princesses have plastic parts live in pink houses and drive pink cars

be like her and end up dead got a hollow malleable head all her organs cannot fit never eats and never shits

/no date/ you held your tongue now spare me mine you [had/missed] your chance a lot of times I'll make the list another time

tall candles cry, burn down

i said something wrong, who hasn't?

somebody pissed in the gene pool

yesterday somebody drowned

/no date/ i can't fix it: myself

change the shit world

/no date/ i understand the things i say may come across as such cliches but i adore the way you walk even when you walk away

and i don't know how well you know me yet or if you'd even want me girl you got me in a quandry i'm in love

/no date august 2011/ i'll tell you when it's time to dance i'l be your clock with swallowed hands

/no date/ haven't picked it up since but i got real close i got breakfast cereal brains and my tongue is toast i'm all mixed up the clear is coast are you gonna leave me?

10:02 i'll call you in 20 minutes but by then i'll be pissed again anger's my bad habit

/no date/ [not a lyric but it's a thought i wrote down] That glorious moment when you've been staring into space, paused, searching for the right word, and suddenly, it appears, snatched out of the air, and clicks into place like a puzzle piece.

/no date/ always real polite to strangers i act shitty toward my friends soft embryo of an idea i ate all my brainchildren

/no date/ burping shirt

/no date summer 2011/ how's your new plaything? are you bored with her yet? she believes in you this time how soon we forget is she after your money? are you after her debt? would you cut her some slack? you think you're a tinker and you're turning a key in her back

you want a diamond you want it rough it's always the same and it's never enough

/no date/ it hurts so that i won't fuck up again but now the pain comes even when i've done nothing wrong

i'd never try to take another's place i'll leave you alone just get out of my face a smile is ugly and so i am, your grace

/no date summer 2011/ i look better hiding in my clothes where no one goes no one knows no one cares wear and tear no one dares stop and stare no one

/no date/ i'm falling down the stairs

/no date/ [prose thingy] you can't demand the respect they'd give an adult if you're going to overreact and throw a tantrum like a 5 year old child you can't be arrogant and condescending and expect them to like you. let me tell you something, princess. you live in the real world with real people, not the world in your sick head. and someday there will be a situation you can't sweet-talk your way out of, and reality will hit you like a ton of bricks to the balls.

11/17 elle adore danser mais pas quand on regarde

/no date/ [prose thingy kinda goes with the other one] you won't always have a system of sugar coated rules to protect you, and despite what you'd like to think, you're not that great at lying to cover your tracks. you don't have perfect control of yourself, and denying your flaws doesn't make them disappear.

/no date/ i didn't let it go

it could mean something

i love you when you're not around can't stand you when you are

you won't love me but you'll stroke my fingernails

planes flying over my house then yours we feel too safe at this day in age

falling for someone you think that you choose? i tried so hard not to

can i ask you something unrelated?

it spreads like dandelions on fire and i am last to know

dance with me in my living room

hope you enjoyed that, cause i'll overthink it and i might not wake

i can't picture anyone with you like i can't picture anyone with me

adding years to her collection isn't this enough? she asks

you are a replyless fool

yes i'd hold you in my arms yes i'd kiss that stupid face i'd swear you to secrecy anyday i'm not desperate, fact i hate the taste

/no date/ spent you on a conversation hey hey they wait you out you're the king of sere-nation hey hey they wait me out

we listen for planes and trains in the dark

i sit in my ball pit basement she's in love with the world

can i sleep now?

got a mind full of cities and 600 friends

replace the other muses that were living in my head one of them is dead to me the other one's (just) dead

11/11/11 start off my day with a massive blood sugar spike…

enough with the sadistic shreiking do you enjoy inflicting pain on other people's ears? does it make you happy? there are other human beings here

…I hope a walrus crushes you :3

a song i wrote on notebook paper 2/24

"Don't Know Me"

in your mind you think that it would do no harm to make me dress up just to wear on your arm weeks and months of false-alarm demands and shaking hands

you don't know me at all you don't know me at all you don't know me at all you don't know me at all

and i don't know you

cellphone bruise and razor glint a year ago you told me i can' take a hint- ha! you're the one who doesn't get it -forget it

you don't know me at all you don't know me at all you don't know me at all you don't know me at all

and i don't know you

[guitar solo or something]

you don't know me at all you don't know me at all you don't know me at all you don't know me at all

and i don't know you

two poems (Summer 2011)

candles.

bleed, balance

drip drip

burn out

flicker

drip bleed drip

burn burn burn burn burn burn

IV bleed drip

balance.

------------

boy with glasses boy with pills, with prose and problems

finally stopped bleeding saved by being human he is calm he is calm sea is calm no more glass on the beaches

(2/25/12)

I thought I told you to never let me take you for granted and I don't understand my own systems of defense mouth launching missiles of insults resenting the change

I thought the past would be around forever and I don't understand my own methods of delusion mouth whisper kisses but only in my mind

cold by the lack of physical contact have I been replaced with helping pills they don't talk back and make you better better than I can

I used to try and understand try and draw an ampersand drawing embers in the sand a history lie-fire cry on command

I used to like to hold your hand I would've liked to hold your hand long after mine grew dull and bland and you let go.

I Realize (3/25/12)

Summer is like cuts on your arms. You think about it and have expectations but it never lives up to how you thought it would feel.

I don't know what to do with myself. It's Sunday afternoon and I already finished my homework and went on the computer and even went outside and I'm not hungry enough to eat and too lazy to exercise and I don't feel much like watching TV.

I'm cutting my fingernails over the trash can but the clippings fly all over the room anyway and fifteen minutes ago I was editing that zit out of my photo and I couldn't find the save button and mistakes are always more permanent than progress.

And I don't even care when school is going to end because Summer is just like cuts on your arms.

#December 2011

Plenty of fish in the sea and I have a shell I'm poison, baby and I know it all too well Now you've gone after a pretty red snapper, you like touching her scales Plenty of fish in the sea, darling I'll go on being a snail

#summer 2012

here are the lyrics scraps and other random crap i had saved on my phone because it's taking up a lot of space and i almost lost it once so let's get this over with

even most of the lyrics are pretty bad but there are a few decent ones also some of them are out of order but most have dates on them

2012

12.23 one razor at a time earning mother's love

12.31 nothing's shiny anymore

11.12 swallow the key solder the locks shut my face in a plastic box

11.16 staring at the sky in the dark as you wait for the movie to start

11.12 drip your drops of old amusement

10.25 take back the throne, take back what's mine i'll take back the blood you filled with my wine

10.26 the lesser of evils will lead us

12.17 i can't pinpoint the last time i held you before you changed

[no date] "summer"

i can't wait until summer. it's warm and we have no school and it has the perfect amounts of daytime and nighttime. the bad thing about summer is i always make a lot of plans but they never come to fruition, at least not as i had hoped. i hope a lot of things for summer. i think summer is better as a hope than as a reality. still, i can't wait for summer because i dislike homework and waking up early. though next summer i will probably have all that. so all i'm left with is missing my friends cause i can't see them everyday. maybe i'm better off abandoning summer. maybe i'm just jaded and annoyed in all seasons. maybe i just miss being a child when summer and winter and all the seasons meant something and i knew hot to play outside and i had an imagination. this has been an essay by me.

4.10 and we used to be broken together i've been so alone ever since you got better

4.16 thoughts of old ambitions i would if things were different slowly losing interest i'm nicer when i'm drunk

i miss what we had i'm not getting it back

6.13 i left the fan on all night it chopped my dreams, tangled

2.19 gettin lies from a girl but he chooses to believe her gettin music in his head from a radio receiver falls right in love with every pretty face he sees this boy is 96 degrees but he thinks he has a fever

6.19 did you whisper to her "hit me in the head again"

i try to tie myself together arms going seismic i threaten to explode

go on avoiding wear her like a fire it's fuel for my furnace and i am the pyre

6.22 some things rot and some things rust 6.20 you wasted my time and you wasted my trust

6.23 and i don't get mad when mosquito bites start to itch when i was a parasite at least i had a niche

6.22 the air feels just like summer sticky humidity thick as my stupidity

6.23 you spend 2012 with another girl we weren't even friends til the end of the world

6.24 nothing seems to beautiful and i keep wishing i were drunk what do you want me to say i'm stupid sober anyway

6.25 ever notice how we parody our own existence laughter is medicine and we're all junkies

6.26 my brain's got an itch i stopped hating myself and i turned into a bitch it's bad the way it all went down i may be a bitch but i keep my promises call me again if rogue wave's in town

7.4 other people's midnight is my 3am

7.4 our bodies grow up around us

7.5 what gave it away? was it my heavy breathing or was it the fact that i explicitly said you look just like the monsters that live in my head?

7.5 it's normal for her to be weird and it's weird for her to be normal she's innocent she makes no sense she's just like my dreams…

7.6 i hope your life is full of bliss i hope it's all parades and circuses

7.5-6 someday you'll find a girl who will write you an even better lovesong than i did, and when you do, invite me to the wedding.

7.11 disguise the limit

7.13 i mourn my heart and everything else that died in your hands

7.14 i had my words laid out across my lips you just kinda punched them off

7.15 you're my piece of poison cake

7.19 candy apple heart's delight i'll have you in pieces by the end of the night

7.24 the radio buzzing a perpetual fart

7.29 media re writing mirrors vomit tears and blood will river out the door from shudder shivers camera chimera feeding on your fears

8.1 the air was still i had to fix it

8.3 thoughts attempt to escape my head i'm trying to sleep i start punching the bed you've fallen before you know it's a war

8.3 i talk too much today about the feelings i had once i plan my conversations days in advance

(the origin of this one was me thinking, hmm… what rhymes in british english but not american english?)

8.10 nothing's changed since the revolution and everyone still thinks it's revolutionary

8.10 ugly jugular juggernaut 7.18 summer is my time to rot

8.13 it's the eyes that justify the suffering

8.17 "dictionary"

a heart is a chaos machine and life is a struggle to be ok

8.17 putting on placebo scars

8.18 we are not the highest tier it seems our humility fermented to fear

and so we run… small racetracks laced with pain we run… our safety drills in vain we run… from anything we know might help us heaven help us

8.18 like swallowing that sip of red wine just half a second too soon

8.25 symptoms of adulthood

8.29 desire to recreate the times you liked it's hard to ask for things you can't describe

8.29 ask me what i planned to do today guess what didn't happen today

8.30 apathy in a bottle

9.3 say something flattering love you are maddening something is shattering breaking and battering

9.5 turn to stone and feel no more turn to flesh and die

9.5 i would comfortably say to your face what i've been saying behind your back

9.5 let me out of this dusty skull

9.7 sleep little one spend your childhood dreaming this all can be taken away and it will

sleep old one sleep waste your final breath dreaming your life can be taken away and it will

9.12 crumble down like bowling pins deadly seven deadly seven deadly seven -ten split sins

9.13 i am a sound nothing to profound component of the echo underground

9.13 and stupid with bad kisses

9.18 that's when i knew it was over for sure you became the cause instead of the cure and i don't need to hurt myself anymore

9.19 most lives occur within a caffeine blur what's so much worse about a heroin haze

9.23 some things you can learn from research, some things you can learn from practice, but some things you just have to learn by being stupid

9.26 all that is mine is my discretion i am not your fight i am not your weapon

10.1 done with pronouns get your own nouns

10.2 even after you were better i just kept trying to fix you til i broke down

you think i hate you, dumbfuck? why hate a stranger? just remember who you clung to when you bore the scars of your own danger

10.4 you'll make it ok, you'll get there in time everyone has their shit to deal with wade through the shit and you'll rinse off and shine

10.9 embryonic generation

10.10 so many fake replies but when you greet me it's a natural hi

10.11 i've never been the type to know my own wants and i'm a different person every six months

10.16 i'll gladly give you everything just tell me who i am

10.18 but no word has meaning until it is consummated with the death of a tree

10.19 it's better that it's your fault i couldn't take the guilt and you can't comprehend just what you've done

10.22 our fragile civilization has fallen to its knees cause we reject what help we get we'd rather have our thieves

10.22 i give myself these nightmares an early funeral gift

10.24 and now i burn my flag to save it from those who don't deserve to wave it

we deserve the guilt for the world our fathers' fathers built this pain we can't forget for the victims' children's children feel it yet

we have not won yet we act as though the battle's dead and done we are not one bleeding from the seams for centuries torn

11.1 vulnerable we exposed our opened skin

gifts of music and inspiration you took me to the cities you built on paper you told me your dreams, your movies

your secrets

and i wrote lyrics of my thoughts drawings of my fears

time passes

minds clear, or at least change music gets old, i guess skin heals up and presence just isn't enough

11.4 the light in the bathroom's on we know that the fires burn out by dawn

11.19 it's not my conscience that's givin me guilt

11.26 you learned to play the rules or else you smoldered with the century

every house marked with a happy green sign like a video game neighborhood set up with a click overnight

steady commercial airline flatlining my pulse in the sky

11.26 cut by feathers cut from apathy cut tomorrow and last night from me count to zero count for everything arrow arrow don't let go of me

dealer breaker fake as everything

11.30 maybe we're just mad because it hurt us when we fell or maybe we're just angels who once dipped a hand in hell

12.2 brewing a storm inside my stomach

12.2 waking up with scars after the anger's gone

12.2 i wanna get so old it doesn't hurt anymore

12.1-2 write me my obitchuary i'm a woman now

12.3 i have no place in time or space

12.7 red my lips before the show

12.9 your body was there but you weren't the one making it breathe

12.9 wishing you would stop but also wishing i still did the same

12.9 i have no idea what you're talking about you must think i'm a fool

baby things aren't the way they were in school

12.10 if i were only a few years older maybe i wouldn't have missed so much

12.14 i fucking miss the person you used to be

12.14 a year ago i wish i'd told you how i felt and how i wanted to kiss you

10.9 at a certain point, you'll realize you're surrounded by gasoline. you don't have to drown. burn it off, little by little. you'll have light, you'll have heat. thrive on what would have killed you until there's not a trace of it left.

and i'll keep writing songs until i've all but forgotten your name

9.19 dark horizon but i won't let it turn my memories to poison

there's no taking back the barriers you've risen

2013

2.24 i always feel like i'm out of the loop out of the infinite loop

2011

[no date] i tripped the alarm and it fell on its face

Ophelia

She pines, in innocence forever green

Obedience- pawn of a father, wordy And quiet madness in petal layers

The plot thickens- like a soap opera, dirty: Who will be the betrayer, and who the betrayed?

Her lover in traps, his escapades off-screen,