TedSchlatt (Murder Duo) Platonic or romantic depends on how you want to see it <3 (I wanted to try something clean for once). Inspired by the Smiths ^^ I can't format things sorry >-<
It had been hours of just him. Staring. Staring at the blue light tinted screen. He hadn’t even taken a shower. When he woke up, the clock read 2PM. Now it was 5. So, 3 hours. 3 hours of staring at unrealistic bodies and situations acted out through taboo media. Just him, the screen, and his air pods. Connor hadn’t come in to check on him, he was probably streaming. Not Schlatt. He didn’t have the energy to stream. All his energy was wasted in tissues littered around his bed and his sore right arm. All he did was scroll and click at whatever seemed interesting. It was a virtuous cycle. One started during lockdown.
What happened to him? He used to be 150, fit, clean shaven, actually happy with himself. Now he was pushing 200, stretch marks tapered across his thighs and hips, oily hair down to his neck, and the worst he’s ever felt in his life.
His spiral, however, was interrupted by an incoming call. Ted. Dang it. What would he even think of him? In bed for three hours just wasting away? Might as well answer. He knew Ted would just ring again and again till someone picked up the phone.
“Hey! Schlatt! Are you up?” His voice was cheery. So far from Schlatt’s demeanor.
He groaned, rubbing his forehead. “Yeah, yeah I’m up…”
“You don’t sound good. You sick or something?”
Good, now he was pressing. The last thing he needed was for Ted to figure out he hadn’t left his room.
“I’m good. Just… Tired,” he paused, taking in a deep breath, though, the air was stale, no crisp or cool to be found. Just old Texas air.
“Well, me and Eddy are heading through Texas today, and I was wondering if you wanted to eat something, join us for a meal. You haven’t been out much, right? Connor said you’ve been kinda down lately.”
Fresh… Well, not fresh, but a hot meal that to his knowledge wasn’t from a Marie Calendar’s box made his jaw twinge with hunger. The idea alone was seductive to his sun-deprived body.
“Don’t tell me its at Rainforest Café,” he let out a somewhat forced laugh, but it was low enough for the strain to be unnoticed.
“Well…” Ted chuckled. He could just hear the smile.
“What time?”
“In an hour or so. I know its last minute, sorry, but it just hit me that you were in the area.” He sounded almost ashamed, but he wasn’t one to take anything personally, not with Ted, at least.
Dang. As much as Schlatt wanted to continue melding into his mattress, to sink farther into the pit he had dug for himself, he couldn’t. For once, he’d be able to see his friend, and go out and get… Well, it was 5, so moonlight. Fresh air to suffice. Something to bring his decaying body back to life.
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there,” his voice was raspy, dehydrated. He realized he hadn’t had anything to drink except a day old cup of red which had been emptied out hours ago.
“Sweet. You think Connor can come?”
“I’ll ask…” Schlatt was hesitant to leave the room, especially if Connor happened to be streaming. He and Connor shared an audience, that he knew, so for the viewers to see him, or the husk of himself, was not the most appealing. “Let me get ready, though.”
“It’s 5:23, you aren’t up?” Ted laughed, but it hid true concern.
“Can’t a guy sleep in?” He rebutted.
“Schlatt, be honest. When did you get up?”
“2… Ish… I don’t remember.”
“What the hell have you been doing for the past 3 hours?”
“You don’t wanna know.” That wasn’t a lie. Not for the bit, or the comedic effect. He was too tired to do any of those. That was a true statement. He’d rather put a bullet through his skull than admit to Ted what he had been doing in his cave of a room for an extended period.
It was silent on the other end of the line, just for a moment. “If you need to talk, I’m here, man. Just don’t let… Whatever your dealing with mess you up.” It was short, to the point. The metaphorical door of talking was not opened but cracked. Enough to allow a glimpse of himself to be shown but conceded if need be.
“Yeah, thanks, man. Let me get in the shower, and I’ll ask, okay? It’ll be quick.”
“Yeah, talk to you in a minute.” Ted was the one to hang up.
Schlatt sat up with a whine. His back ached from lying in the same position for too long. His head spun with the sudden blood rush. “God…” He groaned. His attempt to stand up was unsteady, his knees buckling backwards, causing him to cuss out of sheer surprise. He got his balance and slid on some boxers, that way if Connor wasn’t streaming, he wasn’t privy to his bare body. He grabbed a tee and some jeans. No way in hell was Ted or Eddy going to see what his body had shaped into. He made his was to his bathroom. Luckily, their house was so big that you could go days without seeing anyone. Sometimes, it led to that mental decline, sometimes, it meant he could get inebriated with no consequences.
The shower was inviting to his weary frame. The hot water drenched his hair as soon as he stepped in.
“I really needed this…” He muttered to himself.
After his shower and getting himself ready, which took 10 minutes tops, he made his way to Connor’s office. He heard some talking, so he just entered. Most likely, he would have his headphones on, so knocking would be futile.
Connor swiveled around in his chair, seeing Schlatt in his stream.
“Hey, what’s up?” He clicked the mute button, slipping off his headset.
“Ted is heading through here later… Well, in an hour, and wanted to know if you wanted to join for dinner.”
“Man… I would, but I’m in an event, sorry dude. Tell him I say hi, though.”
Real blunt, huh. Schlatt nodded, leaving Connor to finish up whatever he was doing in the first place.
He went back to his room. It was an absolute dumpster fire of a living space. Before he got to cleaning, he whipped out his phone.
Schlatt: Connor can’t make it. Sorry. I’ll be going tho. What time?
Ted: :( Man. Alright. Around 40 mins.
Schlatt: Sounds good. See u then
Luckily he was already dressed and clean, but it was the state that he was living in that now bothered him. His first action was opening the windows. Instead of warm sunshine greeting the walls of the room, it was a soft sunset. He took a moment to just… Look. It was gorgeous, the way it dipped beneath the houses that lined the street. The Texas sun coated the sky in a hazy pink and orange, the clouds similar to cotton candy at the state fair. It was one of the few things he enjoyed about this state, besides the open carry, guns, and video opportunities. Sure, Texas couldn’t hold a candle to the nature of his home state, but it had its silver linings, the sunsets and sunrises being one of them. I got to get cleaning; he thought to himself.
His cleaning spree, rapid and much needed, was cut short by a vibrating in his back pocket.
Ted: Hey we’re here figured you wanted to ride with us
Schlatt: Be out in a few
He dropped the vacuum he had dragged out and slipped on some tennis shoes. Just something to walk in, since he was going to a boardwalk.
He walked outside, greeted by the honking of Ted’s rather dingy truck. His window was rolled down.
“Get in the back, we’re going to eat!” Ted laughed. Schlatt obeyed, having to run to Eddy’s side as luggage was piled up behind Ted.
“Hey Ted, Eddy.” Schlatt gave a curt nod to the other man sitting in front of him. He returned the gesture with a smile, albeit rather hidden from his mustache.
“Buckle up, Schlatt,” Ted reminded.
“Oh, yeah.” He did as he was told, making small talk the whole time. ‘How was the ride?’ ‘Liking Texas so far?’ It was all very meaningless. Just to keep the action moving. It was around a 20-25 minute ride until they got there. All three men hopped out of the car, which groaned at the loss of weight.
“Dude, you gotta get your suspension checked.”
“She don’t need a thing,” Ted smirked, patting the car before leading them to the entrance. Eddy opened the first set of doors, and Schlatt opened the second. ‘Why have two doors’ was something Schlatt always asked himself when going to chain restaurants like this.
Immediately, he felt out of place. It was three 20 something white men in a Rainforest Café. They weren’t the usual target audience. Except Ted. This was Ted’s ballpark, his magnum opus. He mused the decorations, ones he had seen before, but the magic still lingered for him. Eddy was impartial to the 30 minute intervals of thunderstorms, to which they walked in on one pretty much on que.
“Jesus, could it be literally any louder?” Schlatt grumbled.
“It was blaring in our ears once. We got sat next to the elephant animatronics one time. Now we request to be seated away,” Eddy playfully rolled his eyes with a shrug. Clearly, the experience wasn’t foreign.
To Schlatt, despite the rather loud atmosphere and bright colors, he couldn’t help but be reminded of the birthday parties, not even exclusively at a Rainforest Café. Like, the ones from 2nd grade where he’d go to Chuck-e-Cheese or Dave and Busters where he’d just eat chicken tenders and run around with his friends. Just for a moment, his mind wasn’t running through video ideas, porn clips, or general anxiety. For just a split second, he was 9 again running around space, pointing at the massive animatronics with his friends while his mother yelled at him to get back by her side and to not embarrass her in front of the other parents. For a moment, he was chewing misshapen pizza with animatronic creatures singing in the background, truly content with his life, even at the time it was just mediocre pizza on a Saturday. He felt his eyes sting, just for a second. Normally, he wasn’t emotional, but for some reason, his apathy was softened by the rather simple scene. It was just a restaurant, a family entertainment center. He couldn’t truly place why he was getting misty-eyed at massive animal animatronics and slightly better-than-average food, but he was. Maybe it was pureness of it all, maybe the fact his friends cared enough to drag him out here. It wasn’t truly clear.
“Dude, you alright?” Ted’s voice cut through his nostalgia trip.
He blinked a bit. “Yeah, just takes me back.” He shoved his hands in his pockets.
“Me too,” Ted smiled before having a server lead them to a table.
Schlatt glanced over the menu that he was handed. “They have alcohol here?” He was a bit surprised, but there needed to be something for fathers in their 40’s with a failing marriage to order at a ‘family outing.’ That’s at least the reason Schlatt put behind the rather out of place menu section.
“Yeah, its okay. I recommend this one,” Eddy pointed at a rather toxically blue drink. It probably had fifty different sweeteners in it, all synthetic, but Schlatt shrugged. Might as well.
“Alright, thanks.”
Food came, and it was better than expected. The safari fries had a creole seasoning to them, the flavors mellow and savory. His burger wasn’t half bad either. The cheese melted across the patty and the lettuce was fresh. The drink wasn’t awful as he thought it’d be. It wasn’t overwhelming, but it was strong. He could handle it though; he had drunk his way through 2020, so a tolerance for the drinks had been built up.
“This is actually really good,” Schlatt noted.
“Did you think we were gonna take you somewhere with crap food?” Ted joked.
“Well, you’ve said how it can be bad!” Schlatt raised his hands in mock surrender.
“Now, c’mon, you know us better then that.” Ted grinned.
“Yeah, yeah…” Schlatt shook his head with a smile, slipping out his wallet.
“No, you aren’t paying for jack-” Ted began, but it was too late. The server had approached their table, receipt in hand.
Ted tried to yank his arm down, but Schlatt reached out his hand, craning the card towards the waiter, who took it, impartial to the internal conflicts the table were undergoing. Eddy just laughed and filmed, shaking his head.
“You… You…” Ted seethed, glaring at the other man.
“I have too much money, I don’t even know what to do with it.”
“We have a sponsor! They literally offered to pay for the meals… Oh my god…” Ted groaned, head in hands.
“Well, keep the sponsor money, I don’t care,” Schlatt shot him a satisfied smirk.
Eddy blinked. “So…”
“Yeah…”
“We owe you, Schlatt, like… I dunno, a cameo or something.” Eddy glanced over to Ted, who nodded in agreement.
“You owe me nothing, just taking me out was enough.”
“It was on your dime!” Ted exclaimed.
“You drove me, though.”
“It was a 20 minute drive!” Eddy butted in, fake aggravated as well.
“Well, sucks to suck,” Schlatt leaned into the back of his chair, hands behind his head, stretching his upper back.
The waiter approached once more. “Your card, sir.” They smiled.
Schlatt took the card, careful not to seem hasty. “Thank you,” he responded.
“Wanna go to the pier?” Ted suggested. The boardwalk was right outside, so no driving was necessary. It wasn’t particularly hot outside either.
“Sure,” Schlatt shrugged.
The moon swayed in the reflection of the water. It was larger than he remembered it being, but then again, he hadn’t stepped outside in a couple days. The windchill was low, so no jacket needed. They just walked and talked, catching up on their lives. It was few and far between when they had time to just chat about things other than YouTube and videos.
“I’m gonna go to the bathroom, I’ll be back,” Eddy didn’t interrupt, but he did warn, waving as he jogged to off to the public restrooms.
It was just Ted and Schlatt, the latter running his fingers across the wooden barrier. He was careful not to get a splinter, but reckless enough to do it in the first place. Ted slowed his walk, Schlatt mirroring the action. They turned to the water. Ted leaned on the barrier, turning to his friend.
“You okay, man?”
Schlatt was slightly taken aback. “Uh, yeah, why?”
“You just haven’t seemed okay lately. I wasn’t gonna bring it up in front of Eddy, but I just wanted to know.” Ted’s hand seemed like it moved towards his own, but it stopped.
“I…” Schlatt couldn’t really explain what he was going through. Not just because he was in public. No, he’s talked about more obscene things with friends in bar more times than he could count. But this was different.
“You don’t have to share; I just want to know if you’re okay.” Ted’s voice was soft and low. Soothing to him.
“I’ve just been really struggling with some stuff.” He kept it vague. Not like he needed to know what he was doing under the sheets.
“Well, if you ever just need to take your mind off whatever’s up in your head, just give me a call. I’m up to talk anytime, okay?” His smile was sweet, genuine.
“Thanks, man.” Schlatt felt a tear run down his cheek. Ted chose not to point it out but instead open his arms. Schlatt accepted, giving his friend a squeeze. He tucked his head into his friend’s shoulder. Ted rubbed circles into his back. It was soothing. Calming. The people around them seemed to just melt away. Just the two of them by the moonlit water. It lasted only a few moments, a little under a minute, but it was well needed.
“Of course,” Ted murmured before Schlatt broke the hug, wiping his damp eyes.
They stared at each other, just for a second, before they heard approaching footsteps. Eddy.
“Hey, sorry, there was a bit of a line,” he explained.
“You’re good.” Schlatt tried to hide the wavering in his voice.
“So, I heard there’s an ice cream joint down on the end of the pier if you guys want to go get some,” Eddy suggested.
“Sure. If you want to, Schlatt,” as if a second thought, Ted turned to Schlatt.
Schlatt hummed with a nod, gaze softening at the sight of his friend.
By the time they got to the ice cream place, the lines that would have normally been there on a Saturday night had dissipated.
“Crap, they’re only open for like 10 more minutes,” Eddy bolted towards the door, Schlatt and Ted in tow.
Once in line, it didn’t take long for everyone to order.
“One chocolate in a bowl,” Schlatt said.
“Strawberry in a waffle cone for me,” Ted added.
“Just a vanilla in a sugar cone,” Eddy finished.
Ted and Schlatt turned to the other.
“Sugar cone?” They said in almost unison.
“Oh, f off.” Eddy rolled his eyes.
They all sat on the wooden pier, leaning against the rails. Schlatt was savoring his, Ted was just a slow eater, but Eddy had pretty much finished his aside from a few remaining bites of the sugar cone.
“What the hell do you guys have against the sugar cone?” Eddy frowned at the two, using a napkin they were handed to clean off his mustache.
“It’s in the name, Ed. Sugar. It’s sweets on top of sweets. Just enjoy the ice cream with a crunchy superior cone. Sugar cones have the consistency of Styrofoam,” Ted explained, taking a bite of his waffle cone for demonstration.
“Well, hold on Ted, sugar on sugar is the point of ice cream!” Schlatt interjected. “What is the point of ice cream without a good cone?”
“You have a cup!” Ted jabbed his finger to point at the truth, that yes, his ice cream was in a cup.
“It was the cheapest option!” Schlatt defended himself.
“You are a millionaire and you cheap out on a CONE?” Eddy burst out laughing.
“Wha- hey! Nonono, it was on your card, I don’t go ordering just anything!” Schlatt’s face was red, maybe from mock anger or just plain embarrassment.
“We have a sponsor! We told you this! It’s fine!” Ted was getting riled up at the sheer absurdity of Schlatt’s rather backwards logic.
“Oh my god…” Schlatt groaned, stuffing his mouth with more ice cream to avoid the conversation.
“Jesus,” Eddy breathed.
“Waffle cones are best,” Ted finished off his ice cream.
“Agreed,” Schlatt nodded.
“Well wait-”
After ice cream, dinner, and some more walking, Ted and Eddy drove Schlatt home. His home loomed in front of them, Schlatt still in the car which was parked in his driveway.
Schlatt stepped out and began his walk up to the door but paused when he heard another door shut.
“Schlatt.”
He turned around, Ted jogging up the path.
“What’s up?” His hands were deep in his pockets.
“I just wanted to give you a good hug. I won’t see you for a while, so,” Ted’s face was a bit red, but Schlatt disregarded it.
“Yeah, of course,” Schlatt opened his arms, Ted accepting the silent invitation.
Ted wrapped him in a hug, not loose or weak, but firm. “Know that I care about you, dude. A lot,” Ted murmured. It was quiet, even if no one else was around. Meant for Schlatt and Schlatt alone.
“I love you too, man,” Schlatt reciprocated. He couldn’t remember the last time he said “I love you” to another person. But he meant it.
Ted broke the hug, rather reluctantly. As much as he wanted to stay there with his friend, he knew that he needed to get back on the road. Eddy was still waiting in the car, probably confused.
“I’ll be seeing you around. Podcast filming tomorrow, right?” Ted asked.
“Yeah.”
“Try and get out of bed early, okay?” He teased.
“Screw you, man.”
“Love you too,” Ted responded, giving him a smile before turning to his car.
The words lingered for a moment in Schlatt’s mind as he waved goodbye. He didn’t enter his house till the truck was out of sight. But when he did return to his room, now clean, he felt calm for once. He opened his phone.
Schlatt: Thanks for a great night. Good luck on the road, get some rest
He got a response immediately.
Ted: Thanks! You too :)
He stared at the text for a bit longer than one should, but when he put down the phone, the lights shut off, he acknowledged that he felt better stepping outside. Hanging out with friends. Not holed up. He grabbed his phone again. He set an alarm for 10AM. Earliest he’s probably gotten up in a while. He placed the phone back down. Good. He smiled to himself before settling in and eventually falling asleep, feeling better than he had in months.
Before I figured out I was trans I thought I was a sapphic woman because of how much I didn’t like twinks/femboys and then I discovered Schlatt post twink era.
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