whapohwrites

"mind like a supernova, eyes like an ocean, body like a grenade, heart like an iceberg"

[whapohwrites]

Mo

as i stare into the dark trees that covered the street where you used to park, i somehow felt the jitters when i saw you arrived that night you were already smiling at me, and i can’t help to look down because i’m afraid that you’ll see me stupidly smiling back i kept both of my hands inside my jacket’s pocket because that’s where i put all my resistance to control myself from running towards you few feets away and i can already smell your scent -  scent, that i knew to myself i will always remember  and my brain will always know that it’s yours 

i didn’t know that i would feel this longingness i didn’t even know i would definitely miss you as you were standing & laughing with the rest of the people that i love, i knew to myself that my heart is becoming fuller and fuller every time. i was hoping that they wouldn’t see me smiling that’s why i’m burying myself most of the time with the hood of my jacket oh lord, how can i feel this way in such a span of a few minutes i felt so light, so carefree so..... free so....... me i guess that’s what you made me realize without you even knowing about it the moment you lend your shoulders at me when we got alone and soflty whispered to my ear to sleep, i knew that i can finally rest my jumpy, tired heart you asked me what do i need, i simply told you to buy me a toothbrush and a bottle of water but all i ever wanted was to stay on your shoulders and just...... close my eyes how i wish i could tell you that... i already had my eyes on you the moment you let me drive you around but that’s a whole new side of the story your hugs your scent your hugs your warmth your smiles & laughs thank you for assuring me that i still exist that i’m still okay you may never know how important those hours or days to me and the sad reality that it’s also not as important for you but for me, it helped me a lot to realize that i am already okay you are still important to me as i’ve already told you a thousand times 

and if you ever need someone to talk to, someone to eat with, to go to places with, maybe not to drink with hehe, but hey, sure why not? my phone is always open for you every day even though i know you have a lot of people with you already and i’m just an ordinary tropa, i know i still think about you Mo, i’ve always wanted to ask how are you? are you okay? what happened to your day? do you still smell so good? take care Mo, always missing you everyday. xx

[whapohwrites]

08.14.19

it was the very first time i felt whole again i felt complete, i felt at ease i can feel the peacefulness of my heart that was shattered 

it was nothing to them, but it was everything to me 

they are so into their games and there was i looking, staring, watching, them with such admiration these people gave me a new hope these people gave me a new chance

again, it was nothing to them, but it was everything to me

two reds; four heads can i not go home yet? can i stay with them for a few more hours? i don’t want my real laughs to end my genuine smile to end  i don’t want this night to end 

my heart is at peace again - 

[serious]

[whapohwrites]

i tried everything that i could to stop thinking about you,  but  nothing. 

what are you doing, Mo?  are you okay? 

[whapohwrites]

My City

[ part 1 https://whapohwrites.tumblr.com/post/126996702061/an-island-there-were-a-lot-of-memories-that ] 

- 

I once fell in love with someone that I thought would be my lifetime. He made me feel so alive. Someone I called My City. 

My City was full of life, hope, and fire. The thrill, love, and warmth had kept me going for years. Years that was full of laughter, tears, and memories that no one else can understand. For years I stayed safe in my city that I always called my home. And for a moment God approved, allowed and blessed us. I was so thankful that He blessed me with warmth and peace even though everyday would feel like the last. Me and My City fought, loved and repeatedly chose one another above everything else. It was a routine. A gratifying routine that my system accepted and loved. 

I thought that staying in My City was a lifetime that I managed to bring my family. They loved My City. They were happy to the extent that they took it as their as home to which in most cases they do not often to accept changes. I never thought that they could accept this huge change in their life, but they did. For me. They were happy knowing that it made me happy and gave me a positive mindset. Even though at first, there were little mishaps, but they accepted, took My City as their own.  

We are not perfect. We have our multiple ups and downs but we strongly held each other every time. There were moments that I wanted to just leave. To go swim as far as i can. But I stayed. I chose to stay and let the noise within comfort me in the most crucial way.  I thought to myself, this is just a phase. I need to be stronger than this. I want to keep living here. I want to be here. I couldn’t just give up. I will choose to be here every time. So I always stay even there is a wide open space where I can swim back to. 

It was a 3 years long roller coaster ride of emotions. But never did I regret swimming here. I was overwhelmed, yes. But it made me happy. It made me so happy to the point where I can no longer see myself without my city. Everything within me will always have a part of it. The way I eat, dress, look, even think, it’s everywhere. Every corner, everywhere. 

But one fine day, My City is crumbling down. It’s destroying itself that it force myself to walk away. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to let my city destroy itself. I want to save it. I want to help. I want to fix everything. But no. It was like a big wave of sadness, anger, and hopelessness that washed me away forcing me to leave the city. 

I was so lost and in so much pain. All I could do is to just walk away because my city is forcing and pushing me to go away. I was so hopeless. All I could do is just cry and cry. The pain is so much. Every part of my body aches with the thought of just looking far back is my once so called home is not anymore. 

I forced myself because I couldn’t do anything about it. Even if I want to fix everything and do everything I can, I simply cannot. And that’s the saddest part of all. I had no choice but to just simply close my eyes, drop everything and just walk away. 

And here I am into the open space nowhere to go with only sadness, pain, and guilt inside my heart. Help me. I am drowning. 

started: 03/20/19 finish: 05/18/19

[whapohwrites]

To you,

Yes you. Thank you. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for letting me go. Thank you for making me feel that i’m once the most beautiful girl in your eyes. Thank you for continuously being the old you, the one who I met few years back. You, the one who made me laugh, the one who held me close to your heart, the one who made me feel the security I needed. Thank you that you tried to fix me, even though it failed but i’m still grateful for it. Thank you for making me feel that we still have the friendship we had before everything went into chaos into a huge mess. Thank you for having the privilege of knowing you and having the right to be yours, it may not be what i’m expecting it to be, but I guess that’s just it.

I wish you everything you deserve in this cruel world. I wish that you can feel the love you actually trying to give to everyone. I wish that you can feel the happiness that you never fail to bring unto me whenever I feel down and lost. Honestly, I don’t really deserve you. All I can think about is that you’re the kind of person that I would do everything I can do to stop people from hurting you. Because I don’t want them to hurt you like I did. I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. For all the sorrow and longings because of my selfishness. Trust me when I said that I never wanted to hurt you in that way, I want to end things with us in the right way but I guess everything just happened. 

I can still remember how you take care of me, the way you hold my hand because i’m so clumsy. I can still remember the words you’ve spoken into my ears whenever I need the comfort. You were my first love and always will be. We may never got the chance to start our own story, but the memories that we created before it even started is something I will never forget. 

So please, be happy. Please be happy because that’s one thing i’m always praying every night. I genuinely want you to be happy and no matter how hard or how awkward our situation is to your whole family and me, I will always be here no matter what. I know you’re always with me also because I already knew it. But now it’s my turn to let you know that I will always be here for you. You are now one of the most important person in my life that I don’t want to lose. So please be happy and continue to smile along with your beautiful brown eyes. 

[whapohwrites]

“I let you hurt me over and over again because I thought we would be okay. I thought our friendship was so resilient, and it had survived all of the hurt before, so why not again? And again. And again.

Every time we fought over the same issue, every conversation we had to try and fix us, and every time my heart shattered when it happened again, I let you hurt me over and over again because I thought my friend was still in there somewhere.

I overlooked everyone else telling me to cut you off, telling me our friendship would never work after feelings were involved, telling me I was making mistake after mistake, telling me we were being immature, telling me I was better than that.

No, instead I let you hurt me. I let you hurt me over and over again because I was selfish. I wanted my friend, I needed my friend, I craved our friendship. Apparently you didn’t crave me back. Not in the same way.

I can’t have you hurting me anymore. Let’s try being close again, let’s try being acquaintances, let’s try not speaking anymore. We’ve tried. We’ve failed. And now here we are with the same barrier between us.

I give up.

I let you hurt me over and over again because I love you. But it’s not healthy anymore. You’re now a toxic that I need to get out of my chest before I suffocate my own self. I need to give you up.” #k.e.p

[whapohwrites]

Sof x

Her smile that makes me smile. Laugh that makes me wanna laugh. Eyebrows’ long strands. Eyes that can reflect true feeling. Small curvy frame. Heart, oh her heart is as soft as a cotton but as hard as a metal at the same time. I never thought I would find someone who’s sensible as she is. Someone who’s value is much more than mine. Someone as young as her but already know her responsibilities. I never thought I can share some of my heart’s desires to her. Someone who I could share some of my laughs, my tears, my aches, and my love with her. How can I be so lucky to meet her? I met the most compassionate person. The one who you know is there for you through thick and thin. I met the most strong-willed person. I met another true friend. Happy Birthday to you my S. I will do anything and everything to keep this friendship we built from nowhere. I love you and thank you for making me feel human and making my heart as warm as it can be.

[girlbehindthisblog-deactivated2]

She is the girl with a soul full of chaos. She is a composition of methapor and a poem. She planted a flower of garden in your heart and cut them down leaving them dead. She’s a cloud that’s ready to rain on you. She will promise you the world and throw them away like a crumpled paper. You’ll see the stars in her eyes and the galaxy imprinted on her body and you’ll lost your sanity. She’s a wreck and soulless human. Her voice stung every wounds that you have. Her words are sweet that lingers to every part of your system. Her name will always appear in anyone’s mouth and it hurts like hell. She is the hot sunny day of April and her words are the cold snowy day of February. She is a combination of the ocean and hurricane, you’ll get drown once you took the risk. She’ll take you to places and kiss you leaving you breathless. Her laugh would hit you like a wind passing through your veins. Her smile would paint to your mind like a canvass. She is a beautiful disaster and beautiful in a peculiar way. She’ll destroy you in the most beautiful way without you knowing it. She’s a cliff and you’re too afraid of heights. She’s a fire and her flames dances from afar inviting you to come closer and you’ll get burned. She’s a sun that gives you light and leave you in a room with full of darkness. She has bullets on her heart that’s ready to fire anyone who will try to destroy her.

She is the reason why typhoons are name after people (via girlbehindthisblog)

[whapohwrites]

we empty ourselves of all that’s inside us for others and we hope for the love we can’t give ourselves to be given to us from them in return. we try to fix what’s lost and broken in others and hope that it might fill up what’s lost and broken in ourselves.

[mitchdahbitch]

[girlbehindthisblog-deactivated2]

I was a snowflake— cold, lonely. I tried not to care to anyone and i built walls and i never allowed anyone to enter my life. I’m being distant with everyone not because i became heartless, but it’s because i’m trying to protect myself from getting hurt. I’ve been hurt so many times and i guess i’ve changed. Pain does that to people. I’m so hard to love and i feel like people will just get tired of me in the end. I don’t want them to see the way i see myself. I don’t want to disappoint them and i don’t want to get their hopes high. I was a snowflake, i guess it’s just because that’s how my past has made me. But now i’m trying to get back with my old self. I’m getting back those pair of innocent eyes that everyone knows. The old me who’s sensitive and sweet. I’m slowly getting back my emotions and my heart. I’m picking up the broken pieces and put them back together. Being cold and alone for God knows how long is already enough for me to tell myself that i’ve grown up and i learned a lot. I’m getting back on track. Sometimes we need to be on our own to find ourselves.

i’m getting back my old self (via girlbehindthisblog)

[girlbehindthisblog-deactivated2]

I just wanted to cry right now. Cry ‘till i can no longer feel pain and sadness, until i’ll become numb. I feel so hopeless right now. I feel so alone. I just want a tight hug and cry in someone’s arms but i have no one i can run to. That’s why i’ll myself in this dark room and sit in one corner, hugging my knees and cry nonstop, this is my only way to lessen this heaviness inside me. I am so sad right now. I am in deep pain. I want to stop existing and be gone even just for a day. I don’t want to feel this. I don’t like this feeling, it’s too much to handle. It makes me want to stop breathing. Can someone please take this pain away. I can’t handle this on my own, But i’m just alone and i have no one where i can tell everything. I am so weak right now and i hate being in this kind of state, i feel so miserable. I feel so useless. The girl who used to be strong is now crying because i’m just a human being, i’m allowed to feel weak sometimes, i have this soft spot inside me. The girl who’s always been there for everyone, giving words of wisdom is now in need of s shoulder to cry on. I’m sorry for feeling this way, i just need to let this out.

[whapohwrites]

"She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, wanting to scream out loud but with all the strength she had, she kept everything inside." 02/07/2016

[whapohwrites]

him

he brings out the worst in me. and weirdly, I think I bring out the best in him.

01/21/2015

[whapohwrites]

her hands clasp and unclasp and her thoughts are crashing against each other, twisting and twirling so she can’t make sense of a single one. it is not tangible, tis realisation of hers. it is not something before her, not something that can be explained. she has never felt so utterly confused in her life and the tears won’t stop falling, she has the  sudden urge to scream, loud and without fear or shame.

[girlbehindthisblog-deactivated2]

“Why people can’t get over with an ‘almost’?” “It’s like holding something that you let someone steal it and you can’t do anything about it. They’re almost there. They almost made it. But then again something came up and they have to let each other go. And sometimes, they still want to conitnue, they still want to stay, but they have to face the fact that what they had will only end with the word almost. Everything feels so real and it hurts that ‘almost’ is the only word they can whisper once someone ask them 'what happened?’ And they’ll always think of 'what if’s’ and 'what could’ve been’s’.” Almost is the saddest word i’ve ever heard from someone who wants to have someone who will never give up on them.

Almost (via girlbehindthisblog)

[poeticallyemm]

maybe you didn’t leave me maybe i left you. but please do not act as if the alternative would somehow have saved us both. i listened intently as you screamed abuse at my back in some twisted cry for attention, never once thinking of the pain it would cause. i weeped as my cries for help fell upon deaf ears, my pleas for affection flying over your head as you ran as fast as you could in the other direction. i spewed out words of praise, comfort and warmth, trying desperately to keep you from falling under like i had so many times before. maybe i left, but please do not pretend that i didn’t do everything and anything i could to keep you by my side.

e.m.b, i’m sorry i couldn’t save either of us. (via poeticallyordinary)