Welcome to my BPD brain

20/01/18 1/4/23 1/4/25

[whatadaytopassaway]

i won't be far behind you all. I've tried so many times to kill myself and failed. i used to think that meant that there was reason for all of it. or atleast i'd tell myself that. sometimes i believed it. but the life i live, its constant anguish. missing the people that left before i got chance. if i didnt fail all those times i never wouldve witnessed seb, diesel, bella, luna, chris, sadie. i wouldve been up there waiting for them. yet for some sick reason, im left here. to watch everyone go. to endure the agony of them leaving me behind. all my life ive never wanted to live. and then every day im given another reason as to why i dont want to live. and its just like, whats the point?😂 im not happy. ill never love anyone the way i loved chris. ill never not miss him. i dont want to leave my shithole flat because sadies here. chris is here. all those memories. i dont want to progress in life. im about to lose my job, the only thing comparable to how many times ive tried to kill myself is how many times toms tried to sack me. that job used to be my anchor. even though its nearly killed me so many times. but its not anymore. i dont think anything is. i dont care about anything enough to stay. thats not to say i dont care about anything or anyone. just that the mental and physical anguish isnt worth it. it never has been. in some sick way im jealous of them. i wish id joined the 27 club with chris. now im 28. turning 29 this year. its supposed to get easier. but it doesnt. it gets worse each year. every year im further away from them. everyday i wish id succeeded before now. the only thing that stops me is the possibility of failing again and ending up cabbaged and left to rot. im already rotting. i just want it to be over. i truly hope they approve assisted dying in the uk. hopefully ill get approved with this hellish bpd diagnosis. i just want peace. i just want to fall asleep and never wake up. is that too much to ask?

[whatadaytopassaway]

if there is a god, he'll have to beg for my forgiveness

[whatadaytopassaway]

merry christmas. i started out 2025 saying this will be my year. and in some ways it was. but in others, not so much. i lost sadie on the exact same day iost chris 2 years prior. then i almost lost my job. i worked my last shift and i was certain i wasnt going back. then i fell out with L for putting boundaries in place. Around that time i got back with R. i wasnt talking to a single member of my family for months. i went back to work only because the manager that was trying to sack me left. K reached out and i got back in touch with some of my family. Just in time to see bella 2 times before she died. that was like a knife through the heart. like some sick joke. then, i end things with R because hes making 0 effort and quite frankly ive not felt anything for him in a long time. i decide to explore single life. i do for a very short time until A comes back on the scene. Finally everything feels like its falling into place. then Dan causes a major falling out. and we haven't spoken in weeks and probably wont talk again. 10 years of friendship gone in the blink of an eye. i guess what i'm trying to say is 2025 was the year of loss for me. ive lost people or animals nearly every single year since 2018. this year was like how about 4 this time. as taylor swift says, you're on your own kid, you always have been. i think that is the life lesson i need to learn before the year ends. you can't rely on anyone. dont trust anyone. maybe ill journal in here next year too.

[seraphemia]

[henessy]

in dreams i meet you in warm conversation we both wake in lonely beds in different cities and time is taking its sweet time erasing you and you've got you demons and darling they all look like me

[perfectquote]

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.”

— Aristotle Onassis

[taylorswift]

You belong with me. 💚💛💜❤️🩵🖤

Letter on my site :)

[maryoliveoil]

THINKING ABOUT HER

[sunsbleeding]

[remanence-of-love]

[lost-in-limbo-eternally]

You now have a piece of me, a physical item of my person. If something happened to me, or to myself you now have something. In a way I can already see us drifting slowly apart, and that's hard for me to think about. But now you have a piece of me, and we can never be to far apart, you can always touch it and think of me, and I feel that I'll know your doing that. Or if you want that final piece of me out of your life. You can.

[whatadaytopassaway]

I wear it daily. I hope you know that. I hope you can feel it.

[uln]

don't let them fuck up your peace just cause they can't find theirs

[whatadaytopassaway]

I love you it's ruining my life.

[taylorswift]

At this hearing, I stand before my fellow members of The Tortured Poets Department with a summary of my findings. 

Album tonight. 

Fortnight music video tomorrow at 8pm et.

https://taylor.lnk.to/thetorturedpoetsdepartment

[perfectquote]

“So I drank one, it became four, and when I fell on the floor I drank more. Nothing has changed, I still love you, I still love you.”

— Morrissey

[wvterways]

know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better know It’s for the better

[thoughtkick]

“Sometimes we break our own hearts because we expect too much.”

— Unknown